how to deal with fucked up family members

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:02 PM GMT
    Hi all,

    how would you respond to this scenario:#

    Having been born originally in South Sfrica and moved heere at a young age, then having to move back to SA, I had always identified as a british person-

    I mentioned to my brother- the oldest one- who hates the british, yet lives in the UK and takes money from them and works here- that i have no loyalty to south africa and I identify as a brit- he said never speak to me again.. and he defriended me on Facebook!!!!!!

    He is one of the most irrational human being I can think of and both my brothers are unstable... just because I say that he ends up with such a reaction.. and he is the one who is STRAIGHT.

    How to deal with people like this?????

    My instinct that he has a personality disorder comes to mind...

    Its really hurtful considering my mother died beginning of this year...

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    Jun 05, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    .
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:49 PM GMT
    It's hard to say, given that we only have this one example. Is this the worst of the worst or has he had even more extreme reactions to things in the past?
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    blactor saidand he defriended me on Facebook


    My brother did the same to me. Three times. He didn't want to speak to me either. Anyway, long story short, I've decided to no longer relate to him via FB. If he wants to connect, phone only - or in person.

    I think you just have to accept your sibling for who and what he is. Just let him be. You can't change him. And if he doesn't trust or respect you, he's not going to listen to anything you have to say. Nowadays, I just let my brother be, as hard as that is for me. I see him making bad decisions but ya know, at the end of the day, he's gonna have to learn for himself. They are adults, albeit irrational at times, but there's only so much you can do.
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    Hes continualy this way- irrational, treats people with hostility and my other brother is similar... we grew up in an abusive environment so theres a lot of issues- but he seems to hate people who support the british etc and really goes from extreme to extreem- values and devalues people- like some sort of borderline

    My father was most prob a borderline personality disorder, but I have had so much therapy im pretty stable and escaped unscathed... but dealing with my family is a nightmare
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Jun 05, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    In theory your family is a bastion of support and love in an uncertain world. In reality family can be like a stone around your neck.

    As I see it, I owe my mother whatever I can do for her in her old age (Dad is dead), but the rest of them are in my life on a contingent basis. That doesn't mean I won't work on building relationships with them, it just means that there has to be a good-faith effort on both sides.

    Sounds like your brother has decided to stop trying. I think the next move is his, if he doesn't make it then there may not be much for you to do.
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    Well how many years of your youth did you spend in SA and how many did he?
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:58 PM GMT
    pretty much the same amount of time.. yet he abandined my dad when he died and made no effortsand then wrote a letter to my mother saying how much he hates her


    hes whacked
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    Even though blood is thicker than water if they want nothing to do with you (regardless of their relation to you) it is time to move on with your life. In the future if they change their ways it is up to you to accept their apology for their ignorance.

    I am currently dealing with a situation similar to yours. In my situation my brother has the family on both sides split. Apparently he is overly jealous of me but the problem isn't that. The problem is that I was born. He will never bend or change in his ways. I have accepted that.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    what upsets me i the most is that
    both my parents are dead and in a way, it feels like my brothers are all i have, yet both are fucked up douchebags- and treat me and each other like shit.

    so it ends up feeling like Im grieving the loss of my family as well as my mum.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    I recently removed my brother from my FB connections. He is a piece of work who is so screwed up. He is so spoiled by my father and he is 35 years old. Basically I told him to stop sucking my dads cock for money and learn whats its like to be in the real world. He has been in prison, rehab, stealing medical drugs. He bounces back and fourth to who ever will give him sympathy and enable his destructive abuse.

    The reason why I removed him... He is feeling high on life right now because my father bought him a house and now feels the need to shame me publicly on FB and lied about his post.

    Ok, now if I were you, sometimes you just have to let go. Family blood may be thicker than water but it doesn't mean you have to put up with the crap.

    I think there comes a point in ones life that you need just need to surround your self with positive people who can contribute equally to your life as their own.

    I stay away from most of my family and I am so happy that I do, there is always some bad crap going down and all by hear say.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    Here on R.J. and in everyday life I've met a number of people with a rotten sibling or two. I myself have this problem. After years of turning the other cheek, being nice, being kind, and getting mostly the back of the hand and slander, physical violence and theft, I scheduled some time to talk about it with my Episcopalian priest. What I was advised to do was this: "Forgive them, for they know not what they're doing. However you do not need to be subjected to this bad behavior. Let them go."

    The part about the offending brother or sister not knowing what they are doing puzzled me, and the priest explained that the person is sick, or mentally challenged or ill. So we're supposed to forgive them, because it is the best thing to do - - - but we don't have to put up with their b.s. or have the offending person around. Later, if they want to apologize and behave like a civilized person - - we'll look at that - - IF it ever happens. I'm not holding my breath in my own case.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    blactor saidwhat upsets me i the most is that
    both my parents are dead and in a way, it feels like my brothers are all i have, yet both are fucked up douchebags- and treat me and each other like shit.

    so it ends up feeling like Im grieving the loss of my family as well as my mum.


    Could they have a medical problem? If you can get them to take medication, they might be civil enough to deal with?
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidHere on R.J. and in everyday life I've met a number of people with a rotten sibling or two. I myself have this problem. After years of turning the other cheek, being nice, being kind, and getting mostly the back of the hand and slander, physical violence and theft, I scheduled some time to talk about it with my Episcopalian priest. What I was advised to do was this: "Forgive them, for they know not what they're doing. However you do not need to be subjected to this bad behavior. Let them go."

    The part about the offending brother or sister not knowing what they are doing puzzled me, and the priest explained that the person is sick, or mentally challenged or ill. So we're supposed to forgive them, because it is the best thing to do - - - but we don't have to put up with their b.s. or have the offending person around. Later, if they want to apologize and behave like a civilized person - - we'll look at that - - IF it ever happens. I'm not holding my breath in my own case.


    He sounds like a man with great views and knowledge.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    Yep, your bros are whacked. You cant change them. Just walk away from the craziness with your sanity intact. Take good care of yourself and let your bros take care of themselves.

    Look for brotherhood elsewhere. You'll find someone you can relate with and consider a "brother". I have two brothers that I no longer am close with. Believe me, I've tried but one is whacked, the other, I just can't figure out who this guy is. I sometimes refer him as a "ghost brother". I found two guys whom I grew very close with and subbed them as my brothers.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Jun 05, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    Herdity Family is Heredity Family and there is not much you can do about it, accept them who they are, stop trying to change them and establish firm limits and boundries as to what you accept and what you won't. I learned many years ago, that I could create my own gay family, who were accepting of me, and i of them. In the long run it has worked for me, and i tend to keep only stable, caring, accepting people in my life. Life is way to short to have dysfunctional people fuck it up.
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    Jun 05, 2012 2:47 PM GMT
    I too feel your pain. I have 4 brothers but only two of them bother speaking to me and worse yet, this is because I finally came out. I kept in touch (all live on the east coast and I on the west) for a long time with Christmas cards and Facebook but just this year I finally decided that I didn't need them in my life. If they want to reacquaint themselves with me, then they can find me. I deleted both of them from my FB and no long bother with them. It was hard but I'm glad I did it. Maybe he'll contact you some day once he realizes what an ass he's been but if not, enjoy life with positive and encouraging people.
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:24 PM GMT
    You knew what your brother's reaction would be when you dissed his S. Africa just as he knew what your reaction would be when he disses your Great Britain.

    Families know where all the buttons are to push.

    Now it is up to you whether or not you react to having your buttons pushed and whether or not you decide to push theirs.

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    Jun 05, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    I have a sister who I think is "borderline" and appears to have written me off for a reason that is purely ridiculous. Nevertheless, I've decided not to shut her out. In small ways I let her know that I'm always here for her. A card or voice mail on her birthday. Going out of my way to ask her how her life is at family gatherings. If she comes around, great. If not, I've not invested lots of time and emotion into the situation. Anyhow, I believe in loyalty to my family, even when they are not standing be me.
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    ......well first of all I wouldn't care about my "nationality" and I don't have loyalty to any country. I guess if he reacted negatively to that I would tell him he is retarded....not as an insult just as a fact.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    This situation is difficult, but it is not uncommon.

    Unfortunately families are not always easy to deal with.

    You need to realize that no one can really tell you how you should react. This is a very personal decision that you need to make.

    My father and I had a very rocky relationship for the majority of our time together. There were times I truly hated him for the mental, emotional and physical abuse he put me through as a young man.

    He had his good qualities, but there was always some drama that would arise. Everyone told me to walk away and forget about him. However, this was just not in my nature. I chose to maintain a relationship. I just recognized it would not be everything I wanted it to be, and it would require that new boundaries be set.

    The last few years of my father's life were probably the best we had ever shared. Though he was never without some level of high drama, we were able to share some special moments that I will always treasure.

    I certainly can't tell you that things will get better, but I can tell you there is no shame in doing what your heart tells you is right. Whether it be cutting all ties or maintaining some level of relationship.

    I can also tell you that creating an extended family can be very helpful in filling the hole that your family may never be able to occupy.

    The best advice I can give you is that if you are unsure of what your heart is telling you is the right course of action, you should get some counseling to get some clarity.

    Good-luck!
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    Jun 05, 2012 6:11 PM GMT
    blactor said it feels like my brothers are all i have,


    The key here is that you really don't have them, in reality. You cannot rely on them to be your support when you need them. That's the difficult part, but you can't force anyone to love you and be who they don't want to be.

    If it was me, I'd tell them that I still love them as family, but then move on with your life. You'll have to let them come back to you when they are ready, if they ever will be. You don't need these toxic people in your life, as difficult as it will be with the separation.

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    Jun 05, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    My family is full of crazies, including me. I am just trying to take the path to get some understanding of my issues more.

    Sometimes a break is best. Just don't speak for awhile, let wounds heal.
  • Cdnontherun

    Posts: 69

    Jun 05, 2012 6:28 PM GMT
    Good friends are gods way to recompenseicon_biggrin.gif us for the family he stuck us with. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 05, 2012 6:46 PM GMT
    blactor saidpretty much the same amount of time.. yet he abandined my dad when he died and made no effortsand then wrote a letter to my mother saying how much he hates her


    hes whacked


    So why do you need this whacky person in your life? Cut him out of your life and move on. Only let him back in if he is actively seeking mental help and then only in small doses.

    People can be toxic, especially family because they think you will continue to put up with them just because they are family. Don't play that game.