Has a bad relationship with your Father affected any of your relationships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    Obviously this isn't a substitute for therapy. I was wondering if anyone else has had father issues - specifically abuse. If you have did it affect your preference or feelings about men.

    I haven't seen my "father" in years, he was abusive, and I'm starting to wonder if I developed trust issues with men. I also think I'm vers but being able to please someone can that cause a feeling of validation...
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    That's normal... moving on....

    ok, all coldness aside, a lot of (not all) gay men (including myself) have experienced some sort of gap in our emotional connections between ourselves and our fathers.

    However, your sexual role in bed (since you mentioned vers) isn't solely determined by those connections that you developed... however, the psychological aspect of it is highly correlated.

    I.E: Psychologically, you want to find acceptance from a man who represents a fatherly figure to you but sexually, you may be a top only, a vers, a bottom only, etc...


    I seek psychological validation from older men but I don't necessarily feel the need to be the "bottom bitch" to satisfy that feeling.

    Just some food for thought.
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:33 AM GMT
    A bad relationship with my father was the catapult that kickstarted my childhood dream job (he never believed I could do it).

    Fortunately and unfortunately, he died before I accomplished it. I say fortunately because if he wouldn't have died, I would still be repressed by his bullshit. Although, having forgiven him, it would be nice to have him alive to see that I've risen above his low expectations of me.
  • tallchris

    Posts: 121

    Jun 07, 2012 1:13 PM GMT
    _Mohamed_ said

    I seek psychological validation from older men but I don't necessarily feel the need to be the "bottom bitch" to satisfy that feeling.



    Ah! That could explain some weird and ultimately upsetting dating experiences I have had with younger men. Maybe they were just seeking satisfaction in psychological validation from me! I had sort of concluded they were after something like that, but the pseudo-scientific tag is nice.

    Back on topic, I had a lot of separations from my father, and then he died while I was still young. That resulted in my suffering separation anxiety, which can affect relationships. Being aware of it can be very helpful in neutering it.

    It is far from the only factor which I can see at destructive work in the relationships I have had, stemming from both my childhood experiences and what I suspect are elements of my innate personality. I guess there must be positive elements at work too though there's usually no cause to ponder on them.
  • tallchris

    Posts: 121

    Jun 07, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
    Apologies for "pseudo-scientific tag". I now see that Mohamed is a psychology student.

    Sadly the sins of the fathers do not merely reverberate down the generations; they ripple out radially too.

  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jun 07, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    I do think that our relationships with our fathers leave some sort of psychological thumbprint on us, since they were the primary male figure in most of our lives. But I think that a bad relationship with one's father does not automatically mean that one will have relationship issues. Sometimes a lousy dad can be a motivator to be different and to choose better examples to live by.

    Probably more important to impacting how one approaches relationships is how one's parents interacted with each other (or with a significant other). Those are the models that somehow work their way more deeply into how one looks at relationships, in my opinion. Not 100% of the time, but often.
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    Jun 07, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    tallchris said
    _Mohamed_ said

    I seek psychological validation from older men but I don't necessarily feel the need to be the "bottom bitch" to satisfy that feeling.



    ...I guess there must be positive elements at work too though there's usually no cause to ponder on them.


    The only reason I'd want to ponder them is to not repeptively make the same mistake. We've all seen guys who date the same type of guy over and over again. And I'd like to grow emotionally. I know a lot of Freud's theories are criticized and a lot of people just focus on changing: the now. But when your stressed out and vulnearable I think we go back to innate negative behaviors. I'm just sick of dating jerks XD my father was pretty bad he would get drunk and kick me or choke me as a child... I thought I was passed all of this I went through therapy for years even after HS and I really thought I healed most of it, but I end up with guys who lie and are manipulative. I decided to break up with a guy a couple of days ago after 3 months and he told me it's because I have "daddy issues". And he kind of knew what a jerk my father was to me.