Apologizing to People

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    Hey guys-

    So for the past few weeks I have been looking at things from a little bit of a different perspective and I wanted to start apologizing to some people for some things that I have (stupidly, immaturely, and cold-heartedly done).

    I was wondering- are some things better left unsaid or is it worth apologizing (note:these aren't people I wish to bring back into my life- just apologize so that I know I have genuinely tried to make amends)??

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    You can't go wrong with apologizing, even if you're not in the wrong. It's hard to say at first, like when you first tell someone you're gay, but in reality, it's just two simple words: "I'm sorry"

    Explain why you feel wrong and tell them how genuine this apology is. The situation always goes two ways for me: either they accept it or don't.

    If they accept it leave it at that. Don't beg for forgiveness or act overly appreciative. Just say "thank you" and move on.

    If they don't accept it say "Well, I apologized and did all I can do. I feel better about myself and sorry you can't accept my apology." or something along those lines.

    TL;DR Apologizing makes you feel better, builds character, and turns you into a better person.
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    You have to look at each person individually. Some people you might take box of cookies to if they are a neighbor that you had problems with. Or if it is an old friend just text and say hi and just apologize. most of these people have their own lives and probably don't care either way. But it is in your heart that apologizing will matter. It makes you a better person and it is up to the other person to accept it or whatever.
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    braddomo said...Or if it is an old friend just text and say hi and just apologize


    I have a huge problem with this, especially with people in my age range. In text messages you can never tell emotion or sincerity. This goes with online forums like this too. The best way to show someone you are sincere about your apology is to do it in person.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 07, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    running11 saidHey guys-

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?



    If at all possible I always try to apologize in person. I feel that it gives a stronger impact to my words and I get to actually see the other person's expressions and feel the empathy between us. It is by far the hardest, but in my opinion also the most fulfilling because then you know that at least on your part, you've done all you can to put it behind you and there is no baggage or anchor to hold you there.

    If an in-person apology is not possible, then I usually send a genuine old-fashioned hand written letter or a card of some sort or at least an e-mail. It all depends on the circumstances and the subject and the person. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 07, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    Thanks you guys icon_smile.gif I appreciate the advice
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:20 PM GMT
    running11 saidHey guys-

    So for the past few weeks I have been looking at things from a little bit of a different perspective and I wanted to start apologizing to some people for some things that I have (stupidly, immaturely, and cold-heartedly done).

    I was wondering- are some things better left unsaid or is it worth apologizing (note:these aren't people I wish to bring back into my life- just apologize so that I know I have genuinely tried to make amends)??

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?


    <3 icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    running11 saidHey guys-

    So for the past few weeks I have been looking at things from a little bit of a different perspective and I wanted to start apologizing to some people for some things that I have (stupidly, immaturely, and cold-heartedly done).

    I was wondering- are some things better left unsaid or is it worth apologizing (note:these aren't people I wish to bring back into my life- just apologize so that I know I have genuinely tried to make amends)??

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?


    AA has us do just what you are doing. If there is any harm it will cause you or the other person, it is better left unspoken. The main thing is you feel sorry for what you have done.

    A harder issue is forgiveness, but by forgiving others you can begin to forgive yourself for the choices that you made which led to that which you are apologizing for.

    Now when it comes to genuinely feeling sorry and making amends, sometimes the best amends to make is to not say anything at all. Just move on and learn from your mistakes.
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    Sustenance said
    running11 saidHey guys-

    So for the past few weeks I have been looking at things from a little bit of a different perspective and I wanted to start apologizing to some people for some things that I have (stupidly, immaturely, and cold-heartedly done).

    I was wondering- are some things better left unsaid or is it worth apologizing (note:these aren't people I wish to bring back into my life- just apologize so that I know I have genuinely tried to make amends)??

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?


    AA has us do just what you are doing. If there is any harm it will cause you or the other person, it is better left unspoken. The main thing is you feel sorry for what you have done.

    A harder issue is forgiveness, but by forgiving others you can begin to forgive yourself for the choices that you made which led to that which you are apologizing for.

    Now when it comes to genuinely feeling sorry and making amends, sometimes the best amends to make is to not say anything at all. Just move on and learn from your mistakes.


    I don't believe the apologies I want to make will do harm- if I did,I would not do them. But I do want certain people to know that I am sorry I wronged or hurt them- for my own healing as I carry some guilt for some things I have done.
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidOne of the hardest lessons life hands out is that sometimes you can't repair things with an apology or any other gestures.
    Some things just have to stay broken.


    I'm not trying to repair things, I am trying to be sincere and a good person.
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Jun 07, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidOne of the hardest lessons life hands out is that sometimes you can't repair things with an apology or any other gestures.
    Some things just have to stay broken.

    But one must at least try.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    running11 said
    JPtheBITCH saidOne of the hardest lessons life hands out is that sometimes you can't repair things with an apology or any other gestures.
    Some things just have to stay broken.


    I'm not trying to repair things, I am trying to be sincere and a good person.


    I know, I know. You just have to make really sure that the apology will somehow benefit the other person, rather than just make you feel better for having done it.
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    Jun 07, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    its a good thing that you've come to this realisation. it means that you're becoming an adult, you're able to see things from another person's perspective, and you can feel their feelings. its called empathy.

    the sad thing about apologies is that they are a dime a dozen. people say "sorry" or the even more flippant "my bad" so easily and so often that the words have lost their meaning.

    a real apology has a few components to make them meaningful:

    1) describe what happened
    2) describe what you did and how your actions impacted them
    3) tell them how you wish it would've happened instead
    4) tell them how you plan to act the next time this situation occurs
    5) look them in the eye and say you're sorry
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    Jun 08, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    running11 saidHey guys-

    So for the past few weeks I have been looking at things from a little bit of a different perspective and I wanted to start apologizing to some people for some things that I have (stupidly, immaturely, and cold-heartedly done).

    I was wondering- are some things better left unsaid or is it worth apologizing (note:these aren't people I wish to bring back into my life- just apologize so that I know I have genuinely tried to make amends)??

    Have you guys ever had to apologize to anybody for something big?

    How did you start it? In person or how?


    Consider starting by reading about "The 9th Step" in any 12 step program. It's all about making "amends". Just because we're "sorry", doesn't mean we're going to get forgiveness and a warm reception. You need to be ready for responses which are...what they are. You then might consider reading about the Steps 4-8 so that you can be more aware of what really goes into making amends.

    Your desire to make amends is a good sign. Don't turn back. You're on the right path. It takes a good person to admit when they have done harm.

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    Jun 08, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    I think apologizing is kind of ridiculous. You might be sorry something happened but the actual apology is just a very small part of making amends.

    You don't need to acknowledge that you are/were a douche... trust me, they know icon_razz.gif

    Apologizing without the intent to do anything further is a waste of your time and theirs imo.
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    Jun 08, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    I think it's a thoughtful gesture, honestly. An old boss of mine really flipped out on me a few years ago and ended up getting fired. Alcohol was the big culprit in her case.

    To me it would be nice if she were to apologize, only because it would tell me she is in a better place mentally and emotionally. But I would have no expectation of being in contact beyond that.

    FWIW.

    Good luck, OP. No matter what you decide, I think it's awesome you are giving this serious thought.
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    Jun 08, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    running11 saidHow did you start it? In person or how?

    Too many variables to advise you. Depends on the person(s), depends on the issues. But I think a real man takes the initiative, and controls the situation.

    Earlier this week I was having a discussion with a condo board member, about our association accounting practices, of all things. I thought (and still do) that he was totally wrong.

    Finally his ignorance and stubbornness ran out my patience. I slammed my fist on the table (we were outdoors along the river at night, a lovely full moon above us), and stormed off without saying a word. I immediately knew I'd have to patch this up later.

    So last night I encountered him, along with the other board members. I immediately hugged him, and apologized that I lost my temper. All is now well, I believe.

    I still think he's a jerk about this issue, and he probably thinks I am, too. But on the surface I will be cordial, and continue to go out to dinner with him, as we have before, and have a good time.

    Yah know, this is what grownups do. You just suck it in, take the hits, and look at the big picture. Which isn't always about you personally. The only thing I ever worry about are my long-term goals.

    I can take some damage, so long as my ultimate goals aren't threatened. And I'll apologize if that will serve my ends. In the Army we used to speak about narrow fox hole vision, versus broad battlefield vision. Which do you have?
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Jun 08, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    Sometimes it's just best to SAY, "I'm sorry," even when what you're THINKING is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," "I'm sorry you misunderstood," I'm sorry you're an asshole," or "I'm sorry you're such a fucking moron."