How do you psych yourself up to come out to your parents?

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    Jun 08, 2012 1:11 PM GMT
    Literally, how? I can't even fathom doing something like that. It seems insane yet people do it every day. It's like, you can't tell your parents because you know they'll react badly.

    Has anyone's parents ever been happy they had a gay child? No not ever. So how do you even get the courage to tell them when you know it will be bad?

    Do you just do it on impulse or what?
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    Jun 08, 2012 1:13 PM GMT
    TheOmegaMan saidLiterally, how? I can't even fathom doing something like that. It seems insane yet people do it every day. It's like, you can't tell your parents because you know they'll react badly.

    Has anyone's parents ever been happy they had a gay child? No not ever. So how do you even get the courage to tell them when you know it will be bad?

    Do you just do it on impulse or what?
    When its more important to you to live your life honestly and fully, you'll do it. No planning needed!
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    Jun 08, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    Carefully dispose of your gay porn in the bottom of the garbage can. When mom clean's your room and dumps out your garbage - shocking material ends up right on top. Coming out problem solved. Worked for me icon_lol.gif
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Jun 08, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    Actually, almost all parents want their children to be happy. Ultimately you tell them not to please or displease them, but to be honest about who you are and not to be keeping secrets about something that frankly is no big deal.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:02 PM GMT
    camfer saidActually, almost all parents want their children to be happy. Ultimately you tell them not to please or displease them, but to be honest about who you are and not to be keeping secrets about something that frankly is no big deal.


    But they will be displeased. That's the point.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    camfer saidActually, almost all parents want their children to be happy. Ultimately you tell them not to please or displease them, but to be honest about who you are and not to be keeping secrets about something that frankly is no big deal.


    My coming out was really rough and for a long time I blamed my parents for being unsupportive. I didn't want my parents to know I was gay and was meeting people off the net (my own age as friends...not for sex). My mother knew things weren't right though. All my deception and sneaking around really hurt her and I only realized years later she felt like she lost me, not because I was gay, but because I withdrew and lied so much. We didn't talk much for years and I moved halfway accross the country to get away from them. Now I realize that awful situation was 50% my fault.

    Its easy to forget our parents are people too.
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Jun 08, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    You could tell them you only have months to live. Then right about when they look like they're about to cry...that's your moment! If your family's anything like mine, eventually it will bring out some laughs to crack the awkward tension. That's probably how I would do it if I was going to do the whole dramatic convo thing. I just brought a guy over and let them figure it out, same way my sister brought boyfriends over in the past.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    Well I just told my sister to tell them.
    If you don't feel like doing it just have somebody else tell them...that way you don't actually have to be there....and then the next time you see them...they know.
  • vacyclist

    Posts: 162

    Jun 08, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    TheOmegaMan saidHas anyone's parents ever been happy they had a gay child? No not ever.

    Oooh, wrong. I was delighted when my daughter came out to me.


    As I was when my daughter came out to me! We are closer than ever, going to DC Pride together last year was very special
  • Fact

    Posts: 249

    Jun 08, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    i was 13 when i came out to my mom and dad only real experience as an adult i had was when i was 19 i came out to my aunts and just reminded myself that i am an adult and what i do is none of their business but more me sharing who i am with them and if they dont like it or if they have a problem with it then its not my problem its theirs. because that would mean they are close minded uncultured pricks.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:19 PM GMT
    Just send them an invite. I thought I heard that we throw ourselves coming out parties now.

    "...when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change."~~saying
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    Reactions can surprise or amaze you. My ultra conservative grandparents raised me and they were fine with it, due at least in part to their knowing some great older gay people with a lot of positive attributes. My radically liberal mother, on the other hand a few days after I notified her, pounded her steering wheel and shouted, "How can this be happening to our family?!" The one thing I'd suggest for any guy expecting trouble, is to have your finances in order. Be self-sufficient and protect yourself from vindictive, hateful parents.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    TropicalMark said
    TheOmegaMan saidLiterally, how? I can't even fathom doing something like that. It seems insane yet people do it every day. It's like, you can't tell your parents because you know they'll react badly.

    Has anyone's parents ever been happy they had a gay child? No not ever. So how do you even get the courage to tell them when you know it will be bad?

    Do you just do it on impulse or what?
    When its more important to you to live your life honestly and fully, you'll do it. No planning needed!

    Mark is absolutely correct, it has more to do with you than your parents. YOU have to have accepted who you are and recognize that YOUR life can be fulfilled as a gay man if you choose it to be. Only when YOU accept who you are can you really share that with others. Parents want kids to be happy and most don't care if their child is gay as long as they're happy and content. The ones you hear about disowning their kids, and there are some guys on RJ that can tell you about that, are parents who have hang ups out of ignorance as to what being gay is all about. They're stuck with the stereotypical views that they continue to hear about what it means to be gay. In my opinion, they're also bad parents for not setting their own feelings aside and ensuring that their child is happy and safe and then educating themselves with dialog about what being gay means to their child.

    You're young, it's hard to fathom your parents reaction but in most cases the reaction is NOT what you would think. Sure it's a surprise for your parents, some know before you tell them and other have to process it before you really know how they feel but you are who you are. Nothing can change who you are so when you're ready to accept who you are, you'll know it and then you'll move to the next stage of sharing that with those whom you trust and love. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    I feel like most people blurt it out unexpectedly.

    My mom found out I was gay because I was crying over my ex boyfriend to my brother and she demanded to know what was wrong...
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    uoft23 saidMy coming out was really rough and for a long time I blamed my parents for being unsupportive. I didn't want my parents to know I was gay and was meeting people off the net (my own age as friends...not for sex). My mother knew things weren't right though. All my deception and sneaking around really hurt her and I only realized years later she felt like she lost me, not because I was gay, but because I withdrew and lied so much. We didn't talk much for years and I moved halfway accross the country to get away from them. Now I realize that awful situation was 50% my fault.

    Its easy to forget our parents are people too.

    Wow, you don't hear this side very often! It's great to see that maturity in recognizing that there's always 2 sides to every coin. Fear sometimes prevents us from being rational whereas the truth allows us to know the facts and then base our decision upon that.
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Jun 08, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    How about:


    "Mom, Dad I have something to tell you...I'm...I'm.....a.........(deep breath).........




    a sock account."


    Oh wait, is that not the "coming out" we were talking about?

    But seriously...I would recommend just reading through some of the existing forums on here--probably cover all of the essentials.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    Fact saidi was 13 when i came out to my mom and dad only real experience as an adult i had was when i was 19 i came out to my aunts and just reminded myself that i am an adult and what i do is none of their business but more me sharing who i am with them and if they dont like it or if they have a problem with it then its not my problem its theirs. because that would mean they are close minded uncultured pricks.
    And? What was their reaction? Closed mined uncultured pricks or the same aunts that you always knew and loved?
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    It took me a while to build up the courage to actually tell them, but relatively much longer to process my own attraction to men beforehand. I struggled with it for most of my life, and only became true to myself in my mid-30s and started acting on those feelings.

    So when I was preparing to tell them, I knew I'd have to give them time to process it as well, just hoping it wouldn't take them NEARLY as long as it took me. I flew down to FL to visit them with the sole purpose of coming out, and I labored for the first two days to find the right place and time to do it. Funny that it took a dinner cancellation with some friends of theirs to give me the opportunity. Took a deep breath and said "Well, now that we don't have anything else to do tonight, there's something I've been wanting to share with you". A huge build-up to a somewhat lackluster response...they were absolutely shell-shocked (in hindsight, I still wonder how they could be with a nearly 40-year-old son with no wife/girlfriend/prospects to their knowledge, lol) but after a few tears shed by all told me that it didn't change anything and that they still loved me. One of the happiest moments of my life. LOVE. MY. PARENTS.
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    Jun 08, 2012 2:42 PM GMT
    A TV series in the mid '70s, Family, in which the son was gay triggered my coming out.
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    Jun 08, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    This guy posts thoughtful, sincere topics. It's interesting to read his struggling with coming to grips with being gay. It was all so long ago for me.
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    Jun 08, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    Nobody knows what your parents are like or how they'll react. Only you truly know that. If you feel unsafe or unsure about coming out; don't sweat it. Being gay is not like a coupon, it doesn't expire.

    I just told my mom last night. I just randomly said it. Just two little words "I'm gay" and it was over. She's still in her "shock" stage and won't talk to me, but she'll come around.

    And guess what: if she doesn't come around life will go on. I know I try my best to be a great human being, and I'm not defined by my sexuality.
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    Jun 08, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    booze_is_the_answer_i_dont_remember_the_

    Seriously though, that was part of how I got the balls to talk to my parents. It helped me meet gay guys and feel like I wasn't so abnormal, and with that courage I eventually talked to my parents. (I didn't talk to them drunk, though.... that would've been interesting)
  • musclefun8

    Posts: 39

    Jun 08, 2012 4:13 PM GMT
    I have some of the most supportive parents someone could hope for. Even then it was very difficult to come out to them. I knew I had to do it because I couldn't keep deceiving and lying to them. I was worried about disappointing them. They were shell shocked! It took months for them to accept it. But it was totally worth it. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me and the wall between us had been removed.
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    Jun 08, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Never told my parents. I can't see myself ever doing so either. Maybe it's because I never actually came out to anyone but one person and eventually I just let her tell whoever she wanted.

    But my parents are the conservative type who believe that homosexuality, though they know it's something your born with, is a sickness like autism or some other mental disorder. "Don't bring anybody home who'll upset US!" Yeah, as if my relationships are about making them happy and not myself. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Having two sisters who believe that a gay child is always the one who will "break their parents hearts". We were talking about someone on my dads side who had five kids and my dad said everyone always thought one of the children was gay (he used a more vulgar term) to which my sister chips: "Well, when you have that many kids, one of them is bound to break your heart..." She's also the type who wants to seem to be perfect in front of her soon-to-be fiance's parents...maybe I'll find a guy and hook up with him at their wedding. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 08, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    Josh1992 saidNobody knows what your parents are like or how they'll react. Only you truly know that. If you feel unsafe or unsure about coming out; don't sweat it. Being gay is not like a coupon, it doesn't expire.

    I just told my mom last night. I just randomly said it. Just two little words "I'm gay" and it was over. She's still in her "shock" stage and won't talk to me, but she'll come around.

    And guess what: if she doesn't come around life will go on. I know I try my best to be a great human being, and I'm not defined by my sexuality.
    Bingo!