I need to end my almost 14 year relationship. Not an easy thing to do...

  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 08, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    I'm bummed out. My relationship of thirteen years going on 14 this August is not working out.

    My partner is married, to his career. He's an architect and works ALL the time. The only thing he can talk to me about is work, when he does speak to me. He works very long hours. Usually gets home after midnight has a glass of wine in front of the television where he falls asleep with the glass of wine precariously in his hand balanced on his lap.

    We've spoken about it ad nauseam. He makes false promises about changing his life and getting out of something that he claims to hate.

    That's what gets me. He claims to hate what he's doing but will not change it. I advised him to get a brokers license so he can still make money but have a bit more freedom. He agreed to start this process last year this January. Hasn't happened. I even did the research for him and found a few real estate classes convenient for him. Nothing has ever come of it.

    He is constantly understress and is always depressed and negative. His energy is extremely low.

    We have not had intercourse in over 11 years. Sex to him consists of me give him a bj in the morning on the off chance he can get an erection. Oh yeah, he has ED that can't be addressed w/ Cyalis or viagara.

    I'm a highly sexual person who's put it on the shelf for the sake of my relationship. I express my love through my sexuality. I cannot do this with him. He uses his ED as another reason to get depressed and feel sorry for himself. I personally don't think an erection is always necessary for an intimate connection.
    Yes, I've cheated on him. Not ashamed or sorry about it. I've even told him and he just accepts it. No anger or discussion. " I know why you did it", he said. This just made me feel worse. I don't think it's right.

    I give affection and get none back from him. I am present in our relationship. I'm not really sure where he is. Not with me.

    I'm an LMT and just started a new job. I'm going to save up $10000 and leave next year.

    I thought that because I was capable of necessary change he would have been as well. I stuck it out for so long because I loved him. I don't feel like I love him anymore.

    His lack of communication and coldness is killing me. This doesn't feel like a partnership to me. I am alone more than I'm with him.I feel alone when he is sitting next to me on the couch nodding out. I don't need to be with him 24/7. I believe in quality over quantity. I understand his career is important to him but what about me?
    I think 14 years of my life is more than enough. I'm getting out.

    Wow. I must really be at my wits end to use this forum for this.
    It's kind of a scary decision at this point in my life. My life will be harder but I think it will be worth it for me. I just don't want to get stuck living like this for the rest of my life. I feel like this relationship is blocking me from being with the kind of person I really want to be with. I'm going to be single again at 45.
    Oi vey!

    Any compassionate constructive feedback? icon_cry.gif

    I anonymized this due to some sensitive subjects I mentioned out of respect for my partner. I do have an active profile here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 5:33 PM GMT
    Oh wow... where to start... well, first of all... no one here can tell you because you do X, Y, and Z with your partner, you love him and therefore should be with him. No one can tell you that because... well.. we are NOT you.

    You have to sit with yourself and think up of two lists...

    one list is all the things you love about your partner, the other... all the things you would like to see changed.

    THEN, write down all the things YOU have done, that you think your partner may not have liked.

    Now ask yourself whether or not you truly believe your partner for 14 years was ok with you cheating on him...

    From my knowledge, I can tell you that no human being in a relationship of 14 years would be "ok" to find out his or her partner cheated on him... it doesn't work like that because our brain is biologically wired to admire long-term emotional bondage... and anything that cuts that cord, causes the brain to release serotonin and dopamine - which are associated with depression.

    Basically, to start this off, I want you to know that the behaviour you may be seeing in him - which is his addiction to work and lack of sexual function (Erectile dysfunction - ED) is because his brain is no longer attracted to you - he feels you have abandoned him for who he is - even though you may SAY otherwise, your actions proved it... and actions speak louder than words when we are referring to what the brain thinks.


    You brought this on yourself... so if you feel like you have to leave him, then do so, but that's because you brought it on yourself.

    -------------------------------------

    Now, if we were to assume you just recently cheated on him, then scratch everything I said above (although, I find it highly unlikely that you waited 11 years without sex and then finally cheated on him for 3 years).... The breaking point is about one year.

    I feel you have been trying to convince yourself that you are on the greener side and he is not to give yourself an excuse to leave him.

    -------------------------------------

    I don't see how this relationship can work anymore to be honest. It's sad... and unfortunate...


  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 08, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    _Mohamed_ saidOh wow... where to start... well, first of all... no one here can tell you because you do X, Y, and Z with your partner, you love him and therefore should be with him. No one can tell you that because... well.. we are NOT you.

    You have to sit with yourself and think up of two lists...

    one list is all the things you love about your partner, the other... all the things you would like to see changed.

    THEN, write down all the things YOU have done, that you think your partner may not have liked.

    Now ask yourself whether or not you truly believe your partner for 14 years was ok with you cheating on him...

    From my knowledge, I can tell you that no human being in a relationship of 14 years would be "ok" to find out his or her partner cheated on him... it doesn't work like that because our brain is biologically wired to admire long-term emotional bondage... and anything that cuts that cord, causes the brain to release serotonin and dopamine - which are associated with depression.

    Basically, to start this off, I want you to know that the behaviour you may be seeing in him - which is his addiction to work and lack of sexual function (Erectile dysfunction - ED) is because his brain is no longer attracted to you - he feels you have abandoned him for who he is - even though you may SAY otherwise, your actions proved it... and actions speak louder than words when we are referring to what the brain thinks.


    You brought this on yourself... so if you feel like you have to leave him, then do so, but that's because you brought it on yourself.

    -------------------------------------

    Now, if we were to assume you just recently cheated on him, then scratch everything I said above (although, I find it highly unlikely that you waited 11 years without sex and then finally cheated on him for 3 years).... The breaking point is about one year.

    I feel you have been trying to convince yourself that you are on the greener side and he is not to give yourself an excuse to leave him.

    -------------------------------------

    I don't see how this relationship can work anymore to be honest. It's sad... and unfortunate...




    Hi and thanks for the feedback.
    It was actually 10 years before I went outside of our relationship. After the first 3 years I gained a lot of weight and never made much of an effort to look for sex elsewhere. I did please my partner w/ BJs in the morning. It was when he told me he wasn't attracted to me because I'd gained weight then after I lost the offending weight, he still couldn't express intimacy towards me that I sought solace elsewhere. I had a 3 year FWB connection with a guy who left for the west coast. He is younger and accepted my situation. My partner met him a few times as well and condoned my visit to him after he moved away. Only cheated on him with his person and it was always safe. But I know my partner was not happy about it.

    I've never cheated on any past boyfriend before this relationship and will NEVER do so again. I never thought I ever would.

    He also lied to me about his ED in the beginning of our relationship. He used Viagra in the beginning. What I don't get is how come it doesn't work now.

    I know my cheating was not right or ok but I am not perfect and the loss of my sexuality was unthinkable for me. I felt undesirable and wanted to prove to myself I still was.

    I don't hate my partner. I've fallen out of love with him. That doesn't feel too good. I know we will always befriends and leaving him will be devastating for both of us. I can't go on being in a relationship with a living ghost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    The use of "oi vey" was the tipping point for me.
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 08, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidThe use of "oi vey" was the tipping point for me.


    On what side did you fall?
    I'm not Jewish just exasperated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're expecting. It sounds like you've already decided. Are you looking for confirmation/permission from the RJ community to give you courage to break up?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 10:35 PM GMT
    Pretty much seems like this is not working for you? Not sure what to tell you.. sometimes things just don't work... sometimes you can fix them... but sometimes there is nothing you can do....

    The purpose of existence is merely to exist...
    By existing merely to exist,
    Existing in itself has no purpose

    -Greenhopper
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    How you gonna break it to him? Ya gonna maybe sing it?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said45 is not 50, 55 or 60 !

    Exfuckingcuse me!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 11:05 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    Caslon19000 said
    daviddoublebay said45 is not 50, 55 or 60 !

    Exfuckingcuse me!


    SORRY !!

    My POINT was not about a certain age.... but rather that if he knows that it's over, it's better to go ahead and leave now rather than waiting 5, 10 or 15 more years.

    You better backtrack, buddy! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    Caslon19000 said
    daviddoublebay said45 is not 50, 55 or 60 !

    Exfuckingcuse me!


    SORRY !!

    My POINT was not about a certain age.... but rather that if he knows that it's over, it's better to go ahead and leave now rather than waiting 5, 10 or 15 more years.


    LOL good save.

    There are a lot of layers to relationships, never just one side. By the sounds of it you know what you have is not what you want, you tried to save it - failed. So time to move on. Having made that decision, I am wondering why would you wait another year? Seems silly.

    If it is the financial burden of a move, then break up with him and remain room mates. Share the bills, and at least you can make positive forward movement without any recriminations. I mean seriously? Fuck his morning blowjob. If he can't be bothered to make an effort - he would be greeting his old friend lefty from now on.

    Having been a party in a one way relationship, there is no upside. The sooner you cut the strings the sooner you can move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 11:20 PM GMT
    Even though your mind is pretty much made up, it seems by your writing this you have at least some doubts about whether you are doing the right thing. Although you have discussed the situation extensively, has it been in the context of a relationship killer? Not at all suggesting you make any threats because that wouldn't work anyway, but just a thought. Before you tell him conclusively it's over, maybe share with him what you've written here, even let him read it. If he has no interest in changing, then if you are currently 97% sure, you can be 100% sure instead.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 08, 2012 11:27 PM GMT
    When you invest that degree of time in a relationship, it should mean a great deal at all levels (I know... 13.5 years myself)... I do think you need to take a stand, the relationship isn't working and you feel "left out in the cold".. talking hasn't apparently worked. You are going to have to take some action.

    Now I'm not saying you need to kick him to the curb, but you need to move forward with your life and you aren't happy at present. Take concrete action to terminate the relationship, if he is shocked and wants to make it work... it is up to him to take the initiative. If you get more bull..... it's time you need to move forward without thim.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 08, 2012 11:52 PM GMT
    You have talked about it, so he must have seen it coming. As soon as you are able to do so, get a U-Haul truck, load your stuff, leave him a letter (the wording in your OP will do just fine) and go.
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 08, 2012 11:59 PM GMT
    I guess the reason why I wrote this is confirmation I'm doing the right thing. I don't have any gay friends who I can talk to about this. Everything I've told you guys I've said to him.
    I'm tired of saying the same thing or pleading the same cause to no avail. Yes, I'm staying due to financial reasons and we already live like roommates except we share a bed. A very cold bed.
    He doesn't want to lose me. He knows I am not happy and seems to think telling me he's not happy with himself will make me feel sorry for him and stay. That is what used to work. Now I'm at the point where I don't care and it's not "our problem" but "his". I

    I really appreciate the show of support and confirmation.

    I guess It'll be my turn to through myself into my work as that's what I'll be doing to change my current situation.
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 09, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    Caslon19000 said
    daviddoublebay said45 is not 50, 55 or 60 !

    Exfuckingcuse me!


    SORRY !!

    My POINT was not about a certain age.... but rather that if he knows that it's over, it's better to go ahead and leave now rather than waiting 5, 10 or 15 more years.


    yes. Thank you! I agree 100%
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 09, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWhen you invest that degree of time in a relationship, it should mean a great deal at all levels (I know... 13.5 years myself)... I do think you need to take a stand, the relationship isn't working and you feel "left out in the cold".. talking hasn't apparently worked. You are going to have to take some action.

    Now I'm not saying you need to kick him to the curb, but you need to move forward with your life and you aren't happy at present. Take concrete action to terminate the relationship, if he is shocked and wants to make it work... it is up to him to take the initiative. If you get more bull..... it's time you need to move forward without thim.


    Cool. Thanks for this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    You have given this a lot of thought, and you're not doing anything rash. I've never had a relationship that long, but a good number of shorter situations. When I am thinking of ending something, here's what I do - and what has helped me decide which direction to go: I give the situation a lot of thought, and draw a line down the center of a piece of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. One side has all the reasons to keep the relationship. The other side has the reasons to end it. I start writing. I use both sides of the paper if necessary. By the time I'm finished writing, my path is very clear - and I take action.

    Good luck with your situation. Will you let us know what you decided and how it turned out?
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 09, 2012 12:08 AM GMT
    Ex_Mil8 saidYou have talked about it, so he must have seen it coming. As soon as you are able to do so, get a U-Haul truck, load your stuff, leave him a letter (the wording in your OP will do just fine) and go.


    You'e right. I think he does see it coming. Especially now that I am being more distant and not as caring.

    I won't be mean to him as it's not in my nature but I am growing more distant in my attitude toward the relationship. It's easy because he's never around. I'm glad to be working more.

    Thanks.
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 09, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidYou have given this a lot of thought, and you're not doing anything rash. I've never had a relationship that long, but a good number of shorter situations. When I am thinking of ending something, here's what I do - and what has helped me decide which direction to go: I give the situation a lot of thought, and draw a line down the center of a piece of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. One side has all the reasons to keep the relationship. The other side has the reasons to end it. I start writing. I use both sides of the paper if necessary. By the time I'm finished writing, my path is very clear - and I take action.

    Good luck with your situation. Will you let us know what you decided and how it turned out?


    Thanks! I will make that list and definitely keep you guys posted. When it's all done and I've moved on I'll let you guys know who i am too. That may be a while from now though.

    This will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do so far in my life.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jun 09, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    OP, the thing that jumps out at me is that you need to hear what your partner thinks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    LJay saidOP, the thing that jumps out at me is that you need to hear what your partner thinks.


    Excellent point
    (how he sees the relationship; how he sees its' strength and its' future; what he wants in life; and what he thinks of you).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2012 12:45 AM GMT
    11 years? I thought 5 years was bad. Do what you must but do not burn any bridges.
  • soon2bsingle

    Posts: 10

    Jun 09, 2012 3:48 AM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said
    LJay saidOP, the thing that jumps out at me is that you need to hear what your partner thinks.


    Excellent point
    (how he sees the relationship; how he sees its' strength and its' future; what he wants in life; and what he thinks of you).


    Well, he says he loves me and that he wants to have children and a house in the country. But I feel at this point he's just telling me stuff that I want to hear or have said myself.
    He doesn't EVER initiate any discussions regarding our plans for the future.

    It was actually a reason for a past argument. I had (and still kind of don't) no
    idea what he wants from me outside of companionship or for our relationship. Those are things I like to discuss but he gets uncomfortable when i bring stuff like that up.

    We've been together for over 13 years. While I was out of the country and missing him i called home and asked him if he wanted to get married?
    He replied, "Eventually".

    I'm what he can put on hold in his life. Not much has changed in our relationship over the years. I just feel more distant now and he still is in denial. He always acknowledges how cold and withdrawn he can be. He is aware of it but still does it. I think if you apologize for something and do it over and over again the apology means less and less.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 09, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    That's sad. That's a lot of time invested in a relationship to see it end. I don't think you'd be posting here though if you werent looking for some sort of hope to make it work. Maybe I'm wrong but I can't blame you for having enough. Maybe try moving out but not breaking up and seeing if that's enough to motivate him to change.

    Either way. Good luck