Breaching into an Open Relationship

  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 08, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    Yes I know it has been covered before, but just not in a long while. Background- 10 years together. Have had some faithful issues. Want to breach the subject of a more open relationship. Any guidelines you find work or don't work?
    I am proposing-No sleep overs, safer always wins, not when you can spend time with your husband, and disclosure.
    Asking permission is difficult because partner travels and reaching them isn't always feasible.

  • Hotgymguy22

    Posts: 98

    Jun 08, 2012 6:26 PM GMT
    Maybe it's just me, but open relationships are asking for trouble and something I'd never do. What happens when your partner has a strong connection to someone else? It would probably put strain on the relationship as he might grow resentment towards you. If you have to go to an open relationship, it's usually not the best indicator of a healthy relationship. In fact it is often the opposite. You're inviting in problems and the possible negative side effects far outweigh the positives. If its just about sex you will find it. But what happens when you have chemistry with someone that was intended to only be a hookup? I've seen it happen way too many times before.

    Also, speaking from the perspective of a single, it's not really fair to have the best of both worlds. I'd love to meet a great guy, but you know how much time I spend filtering out partnered people? A lot! It makes finding potential dates even harder. I could have everything in the world in common with a guy in an open relationship... But I can't date him because technically he's "taken".
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    Jun 08, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    In the 36 years my husband and I have been together, we have been "open" and "closed' and all points betwixt and between. I can understand hotgymguy22's opinion that wanting to open your relationship is "usually not the best indicator of a healthy relationship"; but it's rarely as simple as that. One of the things I have learned in these past three and a half decades is: the only thing you can't be for your partner, is someone else. And if you want to play with other guys, denying yourself won't be healthy for your relationship, either.

    Latenight30, I think your proposed "rules" are good ones; the question, of course, is what your partner thinks of them. But I think if you guys can agree on your "do's and dont's", give it a try. And if it doesn't work out, for either or both of you, for whatever reason or for no reason, then you stop. Most important, of course: safe Safe SAFE!

    But you can't spend a relationship worrying about, "what if he falls in love with someone else"? That can always happen. But if you really love each other, it probably won't.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 08, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    You are so right about you can't be Everything to someone. Another friend of mine who has open status told me this. I agree. It was the clearest it has ever been put.
    Am I looking to fall in love- NO!
    Do we want to have to start over and train someone-NO!

    I think a relationship is way more than just SEX. It's your home, your friends, your shared responsibility's. I know who I Sleep with and I know who I'd like to have sex with. It has always been separated in my mind and my heart.

    I just don't want to ever hurt my partner. I know he probably doesn't have the same urges I have. Okay, but since I do, if he ever wanted to. I wouldn't deny him.

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    Jun 08, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    OP with as sexy as you are there is no way in hell i'd share you!icon_redface.gif
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    Jun 08, 2012 9:20 PM GMT
    I think second to safe is that you need to be open and discuss what's going on and who you've seen. Not necessarily every detail but open communications with your partner will eliminate that 'suspicious' feeling about whether you're heading out the door with your bags forever. If you have good communications and trust, I don't think having sex with someone else is going to decimate the relationship, what I think will decimate it is when one person doesn't have the drive and the other ends up unfulfilled because it's a 'monogamous' relationship. This leads to pent up frustration and searching for ways to relieve the sexual desires (ie: cheating). Having sex does not mean fall out of love and as long as you talk about it, develop agreeable boundaries and don't start cutting your partner out of your life (sexually, emotionally, physically) then I think there can be a workable arrangement that satisfies both of you.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jun 08, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    Hotgymguy22 saidMaybe it's just me, but open relationships are asking for trouble and something I'd never do. What happens when your partner has a strong connection to someone else? It would probably put strain on the relationship as he might grow resentment towards you.

    So what. You think if your lover spends time with someone else he may develop fondness for them--and that's a bad thing? What does that say about the same relationship if it were monogamous? They're with you out of ignorance? You have to keep them in the dark about who else is out there in order to keep them?
    No thanks! icon_eek.gif

    What works for different people is different of course, but open relationships can be incredibly healthy with the right combination of attitude, emotional security, and communication. I can scarcely imagine anything else. I love my bf and I'm simply not bothered by him being with other people. He does have significant affection for most of the other people he sleeps with, but his love for me is not diminished in anyway; I'm simply happy that he has great experiences. The reverse also being true.

    That said, some people are much less secure in their relationships. Maybe not a good idea then. Really hard to say. BUT, I do think that if you're thinking about it it's worth discussing. But then I'm a huge fan of "no bs" communication between, well people in general, but especially with the people I love.

    How secure are you two in your relationship?
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    Jun 08, 2012 10:58 PM GMT

    Having been a participant in more than one open relationship, I think it's pretty critical that you think really carefully about this. Your putting an awful lot on the line. I have seen it happen more than once that one mate gives the green light hoping that his partner would never actually do it. Then, when they actually did - shit hit the fan. Seems the approval was not quite what it appeared on the surface, he felt pretty slighted that he wasn't enough. Granted there were other problems, nothing is ever as easy as it seems. It ended badly. So if you really want to protect what you have.. be REALLY REALLY sure he is 100% on board.

    I have also been party to some really great functional open relationships, the best of which had a "play together only" rule. Now of course that only really works if both parties are into the idea. 2 of the couples are "play at will, so long as the other knows", which also worked.

    I am very close to 1 couple in particular. I met them shortly after I came out, I'd never been part of anything with more than 2 people involved and I was pretty hesitant. I hadn't been with but a few guys at that point, but I had pretty much established I was a strictly a top. LOL it wasn't until I got busy with these guys that I realized I was apparently "blessed". It never even occurred to me, I mean when your still in the closet that last thing your gonna do is get caught staring at other guys junk. I always assumed I was "average". I also learned I have the staying power most porn stars would kill for. Although initially it was hot, it got pretty bumpy, around the third time we hooked up. The bottom got a little too into it and the top got pretty threatened. It was predominantly the bottom of the couple that I "synced with first - although his partner was the one who did all the convincing to get me to come over. He started feeling like a bit player, and the two of them had to work that out. Ha, to my advantage I now had 2 bottoms. I'm now really close to them both on a lot of levels, and have been for years.

    Then as you have said, I have also seen couples who lie and cheat because their significant other put down his foot and said no way. That never ends well either. Good luck!