Alphatrigger's Guide To Sanity and A Modicum of Ettiquette For "Dating Apps".

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2012 3:42 AM GMT
    Grindr.

    Adam4Adam.

    Scruff.

    And all them other ones that have inherited the dubious mantle of being the go-to resource that replaced the old Gaydar.co.uk and Gay.com here in the US (much less "PlanetOut.com" as my introduction to online faggotry Internet Dating).

    You'd think that with all these apps that the gay bar and club/disco would be deader than Britney Spears' well-worn snatch, but they have indeed mutated, like most other forms of life exposed to a potentially hazardous and/or radioactive substance.

    Yet the bars, clubs, discos, and even interstate rest area bathroom stalls live on, basking in the technological glory of GPS-enhanced text and image messaging.

    Oddly enough, an innocent casualty of this evolution of gay communication has been the death of common courtesy: arguably, one could say that this is not limited to merely the Gay Queendom, but even the hets are struggling from a crushing deprecation of manners (much less spelling, grammar, and nuance) with all this new-fangled messaging flying about).

    Without further ado then, here is a simple guide to how to win (or lose less frequently) on the interwebs dating scene.

    - When chatting up a hot lad for the first time, avoid the following words:
    "Sup"
    "Hi"
    "Yo"
    "Looking?"
    "Get out of that towel and into my ass"
    "I'm at the rest area at {insert highway location} and need to get fucked by your big cock"
    #YCYL, btw....

    Using these verbal short step-ups from mere grunting and pointing to your ass or your junk, is an indicator that you might suffer from mental impairments of some sort, or that you are just too fucking lazy to read profiles and get a more complete picture of the dude you're viewing.

    Also, using all of these over the space of a day or three and not getting a response from your intended rape victim playmate?

    Good chance he is not at all interested. Or maybe - jusssssst maybe, he is busy and has other matters pressung his time instead of cruising for ass or cock online.

    Learn to let go after the second attempt without a response, because the repeated monosyllabic greetings make ya look a little cray-cray after about the thirteenth time.

    - Unless you are { convincingly hotter than 87.923% of the male population | a porn star | Channing Tatum | Jamie Bamber | Peter Le } sending a pic of your wrinkled sack and sausage as your very first message will go farther toward getting you blocked than favourited. Or to put it into a memorable YCYL-ish slogan: Faces First, Asses Later - #FFAL

    - Specific to Scruff and Growlr (really people? "Growlr"...? Really...?) — if you aren't a hairy guy enthusiast ... or are under 25 and think that 28 is knocking on death's door, do yourselves a favour and either:

    • GTFO and use Grindr or Skout instead where all your other twink pals are busy douchebagging it up
    • Grow up (and optionally: grow some hair). Mithra willing, you too will see the ripe old age of 28.

    - Speaking of age: Guys ... for the love of the fat Buddha - PLEASE stop subtracting 10 years from your actual age. It's not like the rest of us can't figure that shit out when we actually meet, and then we excuse ourselves for a powder to never return.

    If you fudge your age (by a lot: one might overlook a clerical data entry error for a year or two, but saying you're 35 when you are nearly 50 makes one think you to be a dishonest, lying liar who tells lies.

    How might we trust the other bits like STI status, drug use, or that nice spiel about your oh-so-cute rescue dog that you saved from Death's Cruel Euthanizing Needle, but actually you've turned into purée and kept its skin for use as a merkin?

    - Freudian Slips: Asking me if I like pumping my hot cum in your ass and then quickly following up with "I only play safe" (which you should, idiot) and stating your 5-months ago all-negatives test status.... sends a HELLA confusing mixed message.

    - Understand a little thing called "Context". If we meet and talk primarily (after proper introductions and some pretense of getting to know each other, natch) about how I'm going to fuck your ass until you are as rag doll, chances are more than good that I am going to file you as a fuckbuddy at best. And if you are a shitty bottom that never heard of a douche - consider that having your top wearing a condom layered in your doody is a probable cause for a one time, ill-remembered playdate.

    Texting and even calling me repeated after I have ignored/not returned the message is a one way ticket to being registered in my book of "Residents of Crazytown".

    Tops: (I speak to my brother tops here) - have some fucking patience. Give your bottom boys enough time to prep their asses. Remember that "cleanliness is next to godliness", and a tight pink clean puckered ass is the truest sign that there is a supreme being that loves us.

    Bottoms: INSIST on having, and then MAKING the time to clean out your peanut-crusted shit-factory. I'll give you the time, but few things kill a boner faster than hearing that you played "Angry Birds" on the shitter and forgot to douche because Level 5-16 was so fucking hard.

    Yeah, I was so fucking hard too, until I have to wait for ya to gussy up your fart-box when ya had me thinking you had that shit covered.


    Well, I've gone TL;DR with this 20 minutes ago - so boys and men ... take it under advisement for happier Grindr'ing/Scruffing/etc.

    Peace and be well. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2012 8:50 AM GMT
    You had me at "Mithra willing." icon_biggrin.gif

    A nice primer nonetheless, should I ever decide to venture into one of these apps...

    Tarutaru FTW!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2012 8:55 AM GMT
    Tedb3.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2012 9:24 AM GMT
    catch saidYou had me at "Mithra willing." icon_biggrin.gif

    A nice primer nonetheless, should I ever decide to venture into one of these apps...

    Tarutaru FTW!


    Tarutaru BLM / SMN / BRD 75.

    Meh, I was lazy and didn't feel like getting a Maat's hat for all them other jobs in the game, lol...
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jun 09, 2012 9:38 AM GMT
    #FFAL, pure gold!

    Thank you Sensei ,

    kander_miyagi_medium.jpg

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    Jun 09, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    AlphaTrigger said
    catch saidYou had me at "Mithra willing." icon_biggrin.gif

    A nice primer nonetheless, should I ever decide to venture into one of these apps...

    Tarutaru FTW!


    Tarutaru BLM / SMN / BRD 75.

    Meh, I was lazy and didn't feel like getting a Maat's hat for all them other jobs in the game, lol...


    Wow! I only got my RDM up to his 20s before I finally gave in to focusing on school full-time. Just barely did the subjob quest too... my little taru probably hated me icon_redface.gif