LDR situation? Thoughts please.

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    Jun 10, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    Hello all,

    Recently, I met a guy through work with whom I've been chatting (not seriously), on and off since October of 2010. Well, fast forward, we started becoming serious about 3 months ago, doing the phone calls every night/Skype, etc... He lives in another state, and is about 1200 miles from me. We chat back and forth through Instant Messenger at work, etc.

    Over Memorial Day I went to pay a visit. We had an awesome time together, and I was thinking that this guy has potential to be the one. Did a few romantic dinners, walks in the park hand in hand, etc. We sat down at this time to decide if to take it to the next level and be exclusive, even though we're distant. His project with my company ends there in September, and he said that he is open to pretty much moving anywhere.

    So we mutully agreed to an exclusive LDR, and things are going fine and well. About a week ago, I've noticed that he has been getting a little distant with me. He had always told me what a great guy I am, he's developed a strong liking for me, etc. I went ahead and opened a dialogue with him about it, since one of the things that I mentioned that we should be with each other is open and forthcoming with everything. He then told me that he is feeling stressed with work (which I understand), and having a relationship is stressing him even more. I was quite surprised. So I asked him to elaborate some more on the issue, but he couldn't give any specifics. He has begun to distance himself. Every night, we would exchange pics from the day, but all of a sudden, that stopped. We were supposed to have Skyped a dinner date a few nights before this conversation, but he called me 5 minutes before going to bed.

    I mentioned in our conversation that I care for him a lot, but I feel like he's distancing himself, and I'm not going to be dangled like a carrot in front of a bunny, seeing that you don't know if you're ready and develop slowly. (his words) He admitted to treating me like this, and apologised, but never got a concrete reason behind all of it. I feel like now, I can never get a straight answer from him, and everything has to be open ended with him. So I just stopped calling, texting and e-mailing. He then sends me little one liners like, "I'm over at sister's house, and we're making a bonfire," or "I hope you're having fun on your holiday.

    Yesterday, I got a picture from him (doing our normal exchange) I responded with one, but made the caption very brief. I really care for this guy, but it seems as though maturity wise, he's very immature, and he's 32. I feel like he plays the delayed texting game just to keep me on my a string in case something else doesn't work out. Any advice? Now note, we started off texting/calling/messaging every morning, and there won't be a day that went by that we didn't talk. He's now starting to say things like, "I am still trying to figure out how to make you as happy as you make me," and "I don't look as good as you..." WTF?

    My best friend thinks he's just having a hard time, and that I should stick it out and be patient, and he will come around eventually. She says that some people are slower than others and it takes time. Another friend says don't waste your time. He's just using you to be his uplifter until someone else comes along. What do you guys think?

    Any input you may have, I would certainly appreciate.

    Cheers,
    Sean
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    Jun 10, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    A 1500-mile LDR turned into my first partner. But our circumstances may not match yours. For 6 months we alternated visiting, me for 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks alone, then him 2 weeks with me, and so on. But we were both retired, and had that free time. Finally he proposed to me, and we moved to a place where we could be together, no more LDR.

    Frankly it sounds like your LDR is rather tenuous. At 3 months you might invest a little more time with him, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. And a really long-term LDR isn't very common. It begins that way, like mine, but really needs to eventually become more conventional, in order to last a long time, IMHO.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Jun 10, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    It also sounds like this a case of "Wait and See". He really could be having a lot of stress at work, or he could just begin to be cooling off, or maybe he's just got into that comfortable zone where he doesn't have to give a lot of compliments all the time and skype....patience my friend. When are you seeing him next?
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    Jun 10, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    Thanks mates for the replies. Well, I went on holiday last week and was supposed to have taken a 4 hour drive to see him on Thursday, but he got so stressed at work, his boss sent him home for 5 days, so he flew out to the mid-west to see his family. He told me that he will make it up to me by flying to Houston to spend time with me, but he has yet to follow up on that. I was really dying to see him, and was a little disappointed, but I understand how things go.
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    Jun 10, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    LDR. Well did this a couple times in verying distances. One that lasted longest was around 6 months and spanned 2300 miles. I think you need to folow your gut, it never fails. If something is telling you there is more to what meets the eye here, I pretty much bet you are right on.

    Of course I say this and I am the last one to take my own best advise.icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    Thanks so much mates! What's making me confused though is that i would text him genuine messages like, "Morning sunshine... Wanted to let you know that you're beautiful, and to keep smiling today, no matter what the day throws at ya... " and he would send a response like, "you're the beautiful one..." Like WTF?
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    Jun 11, 2012 12:55 AM GMT
    GTPSean saidHe told me that he will make it up to me by flying to Houston to spend time with me, but he has yet to follow up on that. I was really dying to see him, and was a little disappointed, but I understand how things go.

    My LDR guy was in Houston, and when I went there (usually on motorcycle) we spent time in the Montrose section, and also hit some great restaurants around town. I also used to like Rich's, when it was still gay-owned. When he came up to visit me in North Dakota, we had virtually nothing to do. icon_sad.gif

    And actually, I DON'T know if I understand how things go. When it was his or my turn to visit the other, that was absolute - we made it happen, no matter what. I don't feel there's a very deep commitment here, sorry.
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    Jun 12, 2012 3:47 AM GMT
    Update: Thank you so much mates for the great advice. I spent the weekend thinking about it, and realised that with him being so evasive and distant, I decided to end the relationship tonight...

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Jun 12, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    Ending it was probably a good choice, especially considering that he was distancing from you.

    I'm recently out of a LDR and will take serious thought before getting back into another.

    To be successful, there has to be an extraordinary amount of communication and trust. If you have problems with trusting your partner, or he trusting you, things are doomed. Likewise with communication -- you can't bottle things up and expect your partner not to notice. With LDRs, one learns to watch for subtle clues -- if your behavior changes, your partner will notice, so be open about things that are bothering you.

    Respect his need to socialize. Remember that you're not with your partner and that he will be hanging out with friends, attending events, etc. Give him his space for this and don't let jealousy about his activites take hold.

    Finally, take into account that with a LDR, it's going to take longer for you to learn about your partner. If there are dealbreakers in the relationship, such as drug use, alchoholism, compulsive behaviour, toxic ex-wives, etc., it'll take longer for you to figure things out. Something that you may have realized in a few weeks of living with the guy may take months, especially if he's good at masking and putting on a happy face.

    The distance may also color your pereceptions of him -- you may be in love with an idealized version of him rather than what he really is.

    Though I don't regret my long distance relationship, I think that living with the guy or seeing him in person daily would have revealed the factors that caused the breakup much more quickly.

    Best of luck to you!
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    Jun 13, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    Hey mates,

    I felt like I had done the right thing by breaking it off. He came back with how stressed out he is at work and the fact that the project he is working on needs him to focus. He said if " I gave him a chance to think, " he would not have chosen a relationship. I told him that he's 32 and needs to put on the big boy panties. He's a Jr. Project Manager. I'm an IT Director. Don't tell me I don't understand about stress. Then I about heard enough.

    Cheers,

    Sean