Struggling with Reasons to Live

  • Thorbaugh

    Posts: 110

    Jun 10, 2012 5:04 PM GMT
    I posted this hesitantly to get another perspective.

    I'm struggling so much right now with a number of issues.

    I feel very much in the hole when it comes to things I need to deal with which include:

    SLEEP APNEA (using a cpap)
    OBESITY - focusing on a healthier diet and exercise at least 3x a week.
    INSULIN RESISTANCE - taking some metformin
    VITAMIN D - levels are non-existent - starting to take levels of vitamin D
    TESTOSTERONE - very very low, got some gel from my dr.
    CAREER ISSUES - Good job but don't care for it anymore.
    LONELINESS - don't really have a social support system
    DEPRESSION - find it hard to even do basic household chores or take care of myself / struggling with suicidal thoughts.
    STRESS & ANXIETY
    LYMPHEDEMA - seeing a dr. that treats this.
    LEG WOUND that is healing
    UNEXPLAINED URINARY ISSUES - may relate to the obesity / insulin resistance. This issue drives me crazy as I can have frequency / urgency.

    And really struggling with reasons to live - I've used anti-depressants before but I've either had a bad reaction (sleeplessness, etc) or especially with the last one it created more suicidal thoughts.

    There are guys on here that might simply say - yeah, you've got so much bad going on - why don't you hang it up.

    I know that it would destroy my parents if I made that choice so I find reasons to hold on...but it's getting harder.

    I just feel really alone and I find that there are some good compassionate voices on here.

    I just know that I hurt a great deal and I find myself crying for long periods of time.

    Thanks so much for just "listening"
  • briz

    Posts: 20

    Jun 10, 2012 6:11 PM GMT
    Hi mate, Just do the possible each day, and work up from there. Take care.
  • rowerchgo

    Posts: 31

    Jun 10, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    Well, at least there are two good things - you identified the issues that bother you, and you have someone that cares at least minimally about you that make you think twice about your actions.

    I would recommend looking for your local gay health center/ non profit organization for support groups and why not, perhaps volunteer opportunities. Whenever you think you have hit rock bottom, there always seems to be someone worse than you out there :-)
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    Jun 10, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    Your post sounds like it could've been written by someone who was once my friend. She didn't make it. I wish I'd known what to say to her. I can say that I feel similarly much of the time, honestly. You're not alone in trying to muster up the strength to stay here. I hope you find some answers.
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    Jun 10, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
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    Jun 10, 2012 7:29 PM GMT
    Get some help, call a hotline, get out and do some exercise, anything but taking your own life. Please.
  • paramoore

    Posts: 71

    Jun 10, 2012 7:52 PM GMT
    Don't ever forget ... you've got a lot of people pulling for you.

    If someone cashes in early, I think it reflects a failure as society as a whole. Thanks for reaching out, we're here for you.
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    Jun 10, 2012 7:56 PM GMT
    Find 5 picture of hott guys and tape them to your refrigerator door. Know that your success at dieting will bring you closer to looking like them.
    With each 3 pounds you lose, add an additional hott guys' photo.
    With each 10 pounds you lose, replace the old (or less hott photos) with 10 new hott photos.
    Reward yourself visually (and physically), knowing that the more weight you lose, the better you'll feel, the happier you'll be, and be closer to shaking off lots of the problems you have.
    Set your goal and go for it! When you get there, set new goals, and repeat!
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    Jun 10, 2012 8:04 PM GMT
    You're right in that 99% of the people here are extremely compassionate and helpful. Engage us. Go post in some of the lighter forums. Message some guys you feel you have something in common with. Let us get to know your personality. There's a little bit of a family feel here most of the time. Then reach out and actually meet some of the guys who live near you. You'll at least be a little less lonely. And I've found there are guys here who have the expertise to give advice or share knowledge on just about any topic. (Just beware of the ones who share expertise and knowledge on every subject).
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jun 10, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    OP, you and I have a lot in common. With the exception of the Vitamin D and testosterone, I can match you down the line. My lymph issues amounted to two bouts with cancer. I was fired from my job of more than two decades due to a combination of backstabbing, money grabbing and infantile politics. Believe me I know where you are coming from.

    Some days are better or worse than others, but I still have a little bit of stiff upper lip left. The best advice I can share is from mom. she is no longer around, but I can still hear her quietly saying, "Do something for someone else." Yesterday it was letting some kids sit in the shade on the porch to cool off. Today it was talking to an old lady who is lonelier than I am. Not much, but it helped me to step away from my problems for a little while.

    Hang in there. Don't be afraid to come here or to ask for help. You aren't alone.
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    Jun 10, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
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    Jun 10, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Depression CAN be overcome. Many of us have been there.

    Find a supportive therapist.
    Find medication that works with minimal side-effects.
    Lean on whatever friends and family will support you.
    Make a plan of concrete things you can do to improve your life, even if they're small steps.
    Try to help other people in some way. Be needed by someone.
    Accept whatever you can't change.

    The bottom line is that you only go 'round once. Decide what you want to do with your time. You only get one shot at it.

    Remember depression is a brain disease that makes you think false things are true. It blocks you from seeing reality. Don't trust what you feel right now; things are better than you realize.

    Best of luck to you.
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    Jun 10, 2012 8:17 PM GMT
    OP

    Do yourself a favor. You've just listed all the reasons why you are negative about your life.

    For your own sake, list all the reasons why you should have reasons to be excited about your life. This should include how you can overcome alot of the negative things you have listed.

    Everyone can give their $.02 psychiatric evaluation, but it does absolutely nothing until you can convince your own mind that there's a flip side to all of the things you feel negative about.
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    Jun 10, 2012 8:21 PM GMT
    Now just try not to smile and laugh at this. Remember when we could appreciate the humor in the simplest things ?

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    Jun 10, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    Caslon19000 said


    At first all I could think was WTF, but this was very touching and beatiful icon_smile.gif.
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    Jun 10, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    SlickCalifornia saidNow just try not to smile and laugh at this. Remember when we could appreciate the humor in the simplest things ?



    That's adorable! Which reminds me:

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    Jun 10, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    Good for you - you are able to identify what needs fixing. 90% of people can't even do that!

    You list several important points. The main thing is not trying to address them all at once. No one can do that! Just take them one at a time, starting with the easiest one. Because when that will bring you a reward, you will feel more positive, and eventually get on a roll!

    For example: "OBESITY - focusing on a healthier diet and exercise at least 3x a week." Remind yourself that such goals are not achieved in week or even months, but in years. You want this to be a long-term goal, not a short-term one, because if it were short-term you would only end up putting it all back on again, as happens with everyone else eventually. Just take it easy, slowly. For example, when you would normally eat bread, eat raw eggs instead. When you would normally eat a dessert, eat a raw carrot. Try making your own vegetable soup - you will learn a new skill, can dream up your very own recipe by getting creative, and will be eating more healthily. Just take it one step at a time. And try not to focus on all the goals - forget them for a while, concentrate on one, and the others will slowly fall into place. Just enjoy the precious feeling of being alive: read up on how the universe began, how life on our planet began, how our race developed, how you appeared - and you will realise that you won the lottery of life!
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 10, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    Everybody falls sometimes
    Gotta find the strength to rise
    From the ashes
    And make a new beginning

    Anyone can feel the ache
    You think it's more than you can take
    But you're stronger
    Stronger than you know

    Don't you give up now
    The sun will soon be shining
    You gotta face the clouds
    To find the silver lining

    I've seen dreams that move the mountains
    Hope that doesn't ever end
    Even when the sky is falling
    I've seen miracles just happen
    Broken hearts become brand new
    That's what Friends can do...icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:01 PM GMT
    I don't mean to over-post on your thread, but hopefully something will be of use to ya...

    http://poetkitty.com/2010/02/suicide-and-enlightenment/
    The girl writing this article makes an interesting point when she says-

    "...kudos to the old self for recognizing that the willingness to let it all go – to truly die – is actually a golden ticket. And even more kudos for having the wisdom to not actually do the deed – to just cultivate that willingness, and continue the game of the dream-life.

    Nowadays, I choose to nurture the willingness to detach and let grace lead me where she will. Pranananda has said to me before – Your life is not your own. That’s starting to make an amazing amount of sense. It does not belong to the egoic self that wants to drive the boat. My life is the divine. It is not, and can never be, my way. Because “my”, in that little ego-sense, doesn’t even exist. ".

    You may discount what she wrote, due to her obsession with death being more of a hobby or an identity rather than an escape from extreme physical or emotional pain... but her conclusion about the whole thing stands out to me. I've heard similar things from people who've entertained thoughts of suicide or even attempted and had a huge life change afterwards. I know my own experience with this a few years ago made me think like this... it's as if something needs to die, not necessarily you, but some way of being or thinking. And in a way it can be liberating, to let go of ways of being that are killing you, and let yourself live.

    Tell me to shut up whenever! Seriously! icon_biggrin.gif lol
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    If you feel you can't find a reason to live in your life, try to find it in some place else. See if you can join a group that deals with such problems.
    Also remember that universe cares. I was in a similar situation in college and can understand what you feel. What I realized I needed to do was to distance myself from the environment I was in and start a new life. Today am happy and doing great. Hope this helps.
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    Thorbaugh saidI posted this hesitantly to get another perspective.

    I'm struggling so much right now with a number of issues.

    I feel very much in the hole when it comes to things I need to deal with which include:

    SLEEP APNEA (using a cpap)
    OBESITY - focusing on a healthier diet and exercise at least 3x a week.
    INSULIN RESISTANCE - taking some metformin
    VITAMIN D - levels are non-existent - starting to take levels of vitamin D
    TESTOSTERONE - very very low, got some gel from my dr.
    CAREER ISSUES - Good job but don't care for it anymore.
    LONELINESS - don't really have a social support system
    DEPRESSION - find it hard to even do basic household chores or take care of myself / struggling with suicidal thoughts.
    STRESS & ANXIETY
    LYMPHEDEMA - seeing a dr. that treats this.
    LEG WOUND that is healing
    UNEXPLAINED URINARY ISSUES - may relate to the obesity / insulin resistance. This issue drives me crazy as I can have frequency / urgency.

    And really struggling with reasons to live - I've used anti-depressants before but I've either had a bad reaction (sleeplessness, etc) or especially with the last one it created more suicidal thoughts.

    There are guys on here that might simply say - yeah, you've got so much bad going on - why don't you hang it up.

    I know that it would destroy my parents if I made that choice so I find reasons to hold on...but it's getting harder.

    I just feel really alone and I find that there are some good compassionate voices on here.

    I just know that I hurt a great deal and I find myself crying for long periods of time.

    Thanks so much for just "listening"


    Dude. I'm sorry to hear about your problems. But the good thing is many of them can be solved by losing weight and incorporating exercise into your normal routine (e.g sleep apnea and the need for CPAP, insulin resistance, lonliness, stress, anxiety, unexplained urinary issues, etc...).

    Start a reasonable workout plan with reasonable goals. Take baby steps and before you know it you will be a completely rejuvinated person. Establish a support system, go for it AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

    In regards to your hypovitaminosis D...just start taking some over the counter vitamin D pills and get a little more sun (fore the 3pm mark).

    Best of luck to ya!

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    Jun 10, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    Sir, I kind of used to be like that when I was younger.


    When you're depressed, you really see things worse than they really are. And most of the times one is not fully aware of the good things in life.


    Instead of focusing on the bad things in your life, try to see how you can overcome them, or palliate them.

    Be grateful of each second of your life.

    Each minute is a gift from life. Being here, having a body, everything is priceless.

    Happy people are not happy because of what has happened to them. Many them they're happy IN SPITE OF THEM. They enjoy every single little thing.

    Enjoy your meals, the music you listen to (please, don't listen to sad music), beign able to walk. Having a roof to live under, having the possibility to communicate, having had loving parents.

    It's as easy as realizing that you're blessed. And that the power to change your life is only in your hands. And you're stronger that you currently acknowledge.

    Is it really that difficult? You came here for some advice and have already gotten some. From perfect strangers who can't even see your face.

    LIfe's easier if you flow more easily. If you let people be part of your life.

    Good luck with everything.
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:28 PM GMT
    And don't fucking take your life...
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    If you're gonna dig, then dig to the Heavens! Don't stop drilling until you've dug through!

    But seriously, the only person who can give you a reason to exist is you. It must come from within because if you place your meaning for existence wholly on another person you're at great risk for losing your reason in its entirety.

    Living in the moment can be tough but no matter what, keep moving forward toward a future that suits your existence!
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    Jun 10, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    You've taken some steps towards resolution of your issues, so that you can lead a happier life. Congrats on that...

    ... but you haven't said whether you are being treated for your depression, stress, and anxiety. That can be a difficult nut to crack on your own. If you haven't, you really need to discuss this with your physician and a mental health professional.

    I've had depression in the past, and sometimes you just need a prescription solution to halt the downward spiral, so that concrete actions on changing your life can take hold.