Ideal vs. reasonable expectations

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2007 10:27 PM GMT
    When does one know that expectations of a certain look or rigidly specific body type are unrealistic for oneself or in terms of partners? Or rather, do gay men ever think about this? Have we ever wondered what we have passed up based on our narrow-mindedness?

    And yet so many guys continuously complain about not being happy, about not finding the right guy, about wanting to be in a stable relationship, so on and so forth.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Aug 09, 2007 10:04 AM GMT
    I think while it's great to have standards and be attracted to a certain sort of guy. Looking for an unrealistic ideal is going end up with you being lonely, as no one will ever be your perfect man.

    I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years and both of us say that we never would've imagined ending up with a guy like we did (he hoped for Matthew Rush...haha, and got Jennifer Rush).

    I think that when you're young you hope for certain things (good looks, ambition, masculinity etc) and imagine that getting them will lead to happiness, when you find someone who you think is ideal anyou discover they have other drawbacks (no personality, no morals, no sense of humour).

    As I've said in another forum, if you're hanging around waiting for Mr Perfection, then you are going to end up a lonely old man. Don't let a good man go because he has some faults and you think you can do better (you probably can't)

    Lozx
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    Aug 09, 2007 11:35 AM GMT


    There is no 'The ONE'; There are quarters and fractions of 'The One' in lots of people out there; or rather the idea of 'The One' is to open yourself up to the possibility of finding 'The One' in someone else out there who is different, maybe vastly different than what you.

    You have to open yourself up enoigh emotionally to the possibility of discovering and finding common ground, sharing what another person has, and what you have to contribute, even if it is very different than what you expect.

    Don't get bogged down in a lonely hunt for 'The One' and ignore the wonderful things that are placed right in front of you.


    R
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    Aug 09, 2007 12:11 PM GMT
    Just to play Devil's advocate against some of the other responses here....

    You're attracted to what you're attracted to. It's a little disingenuous, if you're not attracted to a person, for someone to say, "Well maybe you should be more open-minded about the people you go after!" I don't think open-mindedness is really the issue.

    I've tried dating guys that I was only somewhat physically attracted to, and it doesn't work. The spark isn't there, and if he picks up on that subconsciously then *he* gets anxious and insecure, and then I get resentful and it drives the whole dynamic down. This isn't just about a "looks" thing, either: this is why nobody should ever "settle" for someone in any aspect.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Aug 09, 2007 4:10 PM GMT
    Greg

    I don't think anyone was talking about 'settling' as you called it. JersyGYM's initial point was about 'rigidly specific body types' and if having one is unrealistic.

    I think it is. I think we are all attracted to a variety of people for different reasons and expecting to find everything we like in one nice package is unrealistic and unattainable.

    However I'm not tying to disuade anyone from holding out for the perfect man. Good luck to all those who have the time to search.

    Lozx
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:19 PM GMT
    Maybe I'm not totally awake yet...or maybe I'm not as bright as I'd like to think, but I'm not sure I understand the ?

    I can only speak for myself, don't have a specific body type, "preference." I like blondes. I like blue eyes. But those aren't absolutes. And the few guys I have gone out with - have all been out of shape. Two were what most of my catty friends would call fat. I didn't care. They were kind. They were sincere and they were nice to me. THAT is what I appreciate more than some hardbody by my side.

    Just me
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    Aug 09, 2007 6:42 PM GMT
    JGYM: I'm often amazed at the attraction I have to certain "unique" looking guys simply because I perceive (emphasis on perceive) them to have a killer personality.

    What I struggle with is being too rigid as far as compatibility and personality. Here I may be underestimating my capacity to compromise.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Aug 09, 2007 6:54 PM GMT
    I think you should be openminded, but at the same time, you need some physical chemistry or you're not going anywhere. That's what lacked in my last relationship. *Awesome* guy, would have loved to be in love with him, but lacked the physical chemistry needed to make that happen.
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    Aug 09, 2007 9:46 PM GMT
    I think the problems arise when guys think they are going to end up with a Falcon model or some Latino beauty.
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    Aug 09, 2007 9:53 PM GMT
    There's approximately 7 billion questions in the first post of this thread. I don't think a single responder responded to the same question as any other responder.
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:01 PM GMT
    Ahh, a hard man is indeed good to find,
    but a good man is harder.

    No question in my mind which comes first.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:01 PM GMT
    Who died and made you God?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:03 PM GMT
    You called it, McGay.

    What is THE question?
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:05 PM GMT
    I'm not sure there is an easy way of knowing.

    Gay or straight, everyone seems to do this; I don't think it varies by sexual orientation.

    I've seen people who can't have relationships at all because their standards are too high, and just as many who are the other extreme, who settle unreasonably and then whine about all the issues they and their partner have.

    I think it's something everyone feels out for themselves, something to be learned like many other aspects of life.
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:09 PM GMT
    I think some people are just saving themselves for god. Won't they be disappointed when they discover he really IS an old man with a long white beard. Not very sexy, IMHO.
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    Aug 09, 2007 10:24 PM GMT
    (When does one know that expectations of a certain look or rigidly specific body type are unrealistic for oneself or in terms of partners? Or rather, do gay men ever think about this? Have we ever wondered what we have passed up based on our narrow-mindedness?)i

    Ok. To answer the questions.

    first: you know when you still find yourself single after being out for many years and all your formerly single gay friends have had a number of long-term relationships. Then it's time to realise it's YOU not them who has the problem.

    Men think about this all the time.

    Everyone has regrets about the one they passed up because they thought they were too good or too fit for the other person.

    Finally, I think a lot of men think that some man is going to come along and save them.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Aug 09, 2007 10:29 PM GMT
    To make one thing str8. Everybody might have his dreams about the perfect guy. The thing is that it is all there is. Many guys say that they never imagined themselfs with their actual partners, but strangely it works. Truth is that people dont know what they really want. Even if they think they are sure.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 10, 2007 11:05 AM GMT
    Everybody has their own idea of perfection
    ...is it realistic? Probably not
    But that has to do with preferences
    I've met a lot of guys that come pretty dam close to my ideal, but they've always been more of a disappointment than not
    .... and then guys with potential all have hints of that "perfection" but all of them have little gems of the unexpected

    I've found that men who play the piano are very sexy
    ...guys with runners legs > woof!
    and guys with French accents > magnifique :)
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    Aug 10, 2007 7:48 PM GMT
    I think expectations change as we get older. Things that may have been important when we were younger (both physically and personality) become less/more important later.

    I think it also has to do with life experience. As you go through life and meet different kinds of men, certain traits become less/more appealing.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2007 8:22 PM GMT
    McGay: I think that makes the Boston Eagle heaven (or substitute with your own city's name). ;)
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 17, 2007 4:40 AM GMT
    I think finding someone is a mixture of attraction and emotional chemistry...
    if you base everything on looks alone you're gonna be bound to fail
    the unseen portion of someone's personality and attitude are really just as important
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Mar 12, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    JerseyGYMphd saidWhen does one know that expectations of a certain look or rigidly specific body type are unrealistic for oneself or in terms of partners?

    that's an interesting question that may or may not have a direct answer. it's, essentially, asking about when do you realize that your outlook is potentially limiting (depending upon what you define as what you want)?

    based on that, I would say that it's when you begin to realize that your ways of seeing produce little or not personal growth. as with a healthy diet ... we need a variety of lessons, experiences, and perspectives so that we can forge our own understanding(s). to limit, pick, and choose as though we have some sort of control over who for which we fall is a gross misconception.

    when does our perspective in terms of desires in another man become both cumbersome and unrealisitic?

    when, perhaps, you feel as though the connections you make are conditional, superficial, and disingenuous. when, perhaps, there isn't an inclination in your body that is telling that this is where you need to be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 12, 2010 6:15 PM GMT
    I don't like the word perfection. I think it stunts a persons way of thinking and limits them on mental, emotional and physical level.

    Yes, I have a few expectations and some standards (who doesn't) but not all of them are set in stone. I wouldn't say I'm narrow-minded but I would say I know what I like and what I'm willing to deal with. I expect that others are the same way. I try to keep an open-mind to a few things and I am willing to step outside my box if I see something worth the effort on my part but other then that if I'm not feeling the vibe or digging the scene then my interest level is probably gonna drop. Again I would assume and expect others feel the same way too.