Just friends

  • scubaguy1981

    Posts: 69

    Jun 12, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    So my BF and I just ended it. I'm still madly in love, but he's not anymore. He wants us to remain best friends. If that's the best he can give me, I feel I have to take it to remain in his life. How do I make this easier?
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    Jun 12, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    I don't think there is any "easier" for that kind of pain and disappointment. Only time is likely to heal it. I'm sorry. I'd hug you if I could. icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 12, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    We need a group hug!
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    Jun 12, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    i am sorry to hear that bro icon_sad.gif.

    it depends, i met people whom they were BF's and broke and became friends.

    to me it will feel awkward to become friends especially you are into him, it will HURT like hell! This is what i think and i can't give you an advice because i suck when it comes to relationships.
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    Jun 12, 2012 9:33 PM GMT
    Can you be friends with him? Are you holding onto hope that he will see what he's missing?

    To me, you are vulnerable, and he may take advantage of that vulnerability by making it a "have his cake and eat it too" situation...

    Only you know. So sorry to hear it ended. icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 12, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    I think that's a great thing, as long as he means it. Not trying to be skeptical, but just make sure he's not just saying that to make you feel better, then he fades himself out of your life. I'm sure he still loves you, though.

    I always say, "you can't force someone to love you". So, it's up to you to come to terms with your own feelings for him vs. his feelings for you and whether you can continue a friendship with him or not.
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    Jun 12, 2012 9:39 PM GMT
    scubaguy1981 saidSo my BF and I just ended it. I'm still madly in love, but he's not anymore. He wants us to remain best friends. If that's the best he can give me, I feel I have to take it to remain in his life. How do I make this easier?


    Cut him completely out while you rebuild your life. In time you can consider whether you let him back in as a friend.
  • scubaguy1981

    Posts: 69

    Jun 12, 2012 9:42 PM GMT
    That just seems harsh. I live on an island, I am going to see him, unless I just stop going out and hanging out with our mutual friends.
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    Jun 12, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    If the break up was amicable and you still want to be in his life, be his best friend or if you're still very hurt and can't get over him yet, break if off, take some space and let him back in the future when you're ready. There is also a risk that you might lose him for good if you pick the latter choice. Sorry to hear the break up though, it's always hard. I'm friends with my ex, not best friends though, just more casual acquaintances now and we live in different city.
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:01 PM GMT
    I think its really hard to be friends with someone you're still in love with. Why put yourself through that pain on an almost daily basis? Breakups are hard enough.

    You don't have to be hostile to him since you said you live in such a small place, but I wouldn't make an actual effort to be friends until your feelings have subsided.

    You need really evaluate what being a friend means, and if you can handle that. Is he going to tell you about his dates? Who he's interested in? About their sex? etc Being friends with someone you're in love sounds really painful to me - especially an ex.
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:12 PM GMT
    Sorry man, that can not be easy. Any breakup is tough and you must go through a grieving process because you've lost something you love. Go easy on yourself, allow yourself to express all the stages and know that RJ is a great place for comfort and reassurance.

    On a positive note, if this could be one, it's good that the two of you could talk about it and that it didn't just continue until emotions based on anger ended it. I hope you can continue to appreciate who he is and he you. I also hope that in time, you find someone else that appreciates and understand you and that can offer you the love and companionship you desire. Good luck!
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    It is going to be really hard. The hardest part is going to be playing two roles, both the best friend and the ex lover. You are going to come across a lot of jealousy and emotional speed bumps. Sometimes it might feel like a wall. Just know that you should strive to hold onto that friendship but also remember to distance yourself from heartache. Always remember to not sacrifice yourself and if it gets tough, find that separation. Good luck sir. Coming from a guy kinda in the same situation.
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:30 PM GMT
    I've been friends with my ex for years now. He even comes to visit me and stays at my house. It was awkward at first. Give yourself time to adjust. It won't be easy. Avoid touchy topics, like people you two are dating, etc. Keep the conversation light. Do things together that casual friends would do, like go see a funny movie or have coffee. You'll make it through this.
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    scubaguy1981 saidThat just seems harsh. I live on an island, I am going to see him, unless I just stop going out and hanging out with our mutual friends.


    On islands this is pretty common... Even after break-ups, we tend to stay friends... sorry it will just take time
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    Jun 12, 2012 10:57 PM GMT
    Take a sabbatical. Wait until after you've fallen in love with someone else, however long that takes. Then come back and be his friend. Ask him to wait. He will. The same thing happened to me, and when I came back to him, I didn't love him like that anymore. I am just happy we are still great friends. Probably will be forever, I hope.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 12, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    I've honestly never been able to remain friends with any of my ex-boyfriends....conocidos, yes...but not friends. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    scubaguy1981 saidSo my BF and I just ended it. I'm still madly in love, but he's not anymore. He wants us to remain best friends. If that's the best he can give me, I feel I have to take it to remain in his life. How do I make this easier?


    I'm in a similar situation with my ex, only I'm on the opposite end. Based on the last four months of experience with this, I can tell you that it won't be easy for either side--especially if you're still living together. Make sure you take your space to do what you want and need to do over the next few months. Only communicate with him when or if you feel it's appropriate. If he makes a nice gesture, thank him, but don't feel obligated to reciprocate. He may not love you in the same way, but that doesn't mean he'll stop caring.

    It's possible you may not be able to make it work. It may be too hard for you to see him in another light. Just lay it all out on the table for him. He made this decision, so he needs to respect your needs. Everything needs to be done on your terms. Focus on healing and being you for awhile. It's the only way to move on. It's that simple.

    Good luck man. Hang in there.
  • scubaguy1981

    Posts: 69

    Jun 12, 2012 11:24 PM GMT
    Luckily, I maintained my own place the whole time. So I have somewhere to stay.
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    Jun 13, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    scubaguy1981 saidSo my BF and I just ended it. I'm still madly in love, but he's not anymore. He wants us to remain best friends. If that's the best he can give me, I feel I have to take it to remain in his life. How do I make this easier?


    Cut him completely out while you rebuild your life. In time you can consider whether you let him back in as a friend.


    +1

    It's the advice I would give anyone in your situation, too. Right now, the risks of completely wrecking any relationship (and your heart) are just not worth trying to be friends.

    You can though keep the bridges open. You can have a heart-to-heart where you explain how you feel, how painful it is for you to be with him, and that you just need a few months to "flush him out of your system," and then you'll be best friends again.
  • scubaguy1981

    Posts: 69

    Jun 13, 2012 10:47 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for all of the advice. Went out to dinner with him and a few friends for a birthday. So weird not sitting next to him. I think I'm strong enough to make this work. One day at a time.