This is killing me, why cant i get past him?


  • Jun 12, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    I have been broken up with my ex for a month now. We were together for 8 months, lived together for six of them. I am 30 yrs old, he is 23. I am out gay, he was DL at the time. Yes we were a mixed couple blk/wht. So here is a little backround....after we started dating it was an intense relationship. deeply in love...so much that he wanted to come out to his family and tell them he was gay. It was very hard...they did not accept it at first especially dating a white guy. i was there for him as he cried on my shoulder everyday. eventually it got better, they accepted us. We got a place together, started a life together...so sure this was the real thing. As time progressed, he got bored...started going online behind my back...eventually cheating and that caused our breakup. He moved out. I tried to just stay away from him...to heal. But thats nearly impossible when we Live in the same area, shop at the same places, go to the same bars, have the same gay friends. He is always around in some way. So, we started talking again, he said he still loves me...wants to be friends. Wants to still hangout, spend the night, have casual sex with me. I have given this a try...all it does is stir up all those emotions of love i have for him. Its kills me to know he sleeps with me and other guys, that i now live alone in this apartment that was once ours....memories all around me. We have talked about getting back together and he says someday we will but right now he "dosent want to worry about or answer to anyone but himself" This kills me inside...all i want is us back. So what do i do? I am lost...its hard to get over a guy you see everywhere, a guy who says he loves you, a guy that is so nice. He is a good guy...just selfish i guess only wants to worry about what makes him happy. It feels so good to lay with him, to touch him...then kills my soul when he walks out the door in the morning. Man....what do i do?? i cant eat, sleep, work without him always on my mind....nobody else compares to him. I have tried meeting other guys....they just dont compare. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 12, 2012 9:59 PM GMT
    Honesty > Monogamy

    This is why I prefer polygamy and open relationships.

  • Jun 12, 2012 10:47 PM GMT
    i hope that there are monogamous guys still out there....i am
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:46 PM GMT
    Don't give up on monogamy. Just because some people can't do it, doesn't mean you can't either.

    Commitment, Courage and Character > Self-centered sexual escapdes
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:48 PM GMT
    You say he can't be replaced, I think you need to work on that a little harder. I don't want to sound cold, but you had to know this was a potential pitfall getting involved with someone that young. Especially if he was DL, that by itself implies there is a whopping amount of life he hasn't looked at yet.

    You say he is selfish, I think it might be the other way around, again not to hurt your feelings further but you already experienced all this, hell he is a kid in a candy store right now. One of the first guys I met dumped me the minute he found out I was only recently out. I was baffled at the time, but I so get it now. He was looking for an LTR, to be honest I thought I was too, but I hadn't even scratched the surface. He knew that and if you were honest with yourself so do you.

    You can't hold on to him right now, either accept what he offers or cut ties. Anything in between is only going to make you crazy. Much truth to the adage "If you love someone set them free".

    As for how you go on? Move your furniture around, buy some plants, change it up - new bedding etc. if it's really that. I suspect it just smarts, I get that. But all this obsessing is only going to make a bad thing worse. Go hang with friends, shop elsewhere for a while. Do what you have to do to get this out of your mind.

    If not, risk your sanity and still loose him forever.
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    Good luck on getting over it. It can take some time to truly sort through it.

    Yes, there are real monogamists out there (and a lot on RJ, including Dave and I)... But it's certainly not everyone. There are a lot of guys that *want* to be monogamous but, as you describe from your relationship, they get bored/distracted/make mistakes.
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    reachedtheclimax saidThis is killing me, why cant i get past him?
    If you've already asked him nicely, just push him out of the way. Then you can get past him.
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    Jun 12, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    NoNoNoYes saidYou say he can't be replaced, I think you need to work on that a little harder. I don't want to sound cold, but you had to know this was a potential pitfall getting involved with someone that young. Especially if he was DL, that by itself implies there is a whopping amount of life he hasn't looked at yet.

    You say he is selfish, I think it might be the other way around, again not to hurt your feelings further but you already experienced all this, hell he is a kid in a candy store right now. One of the first guys I met dumped me the minute he found out I was only recently out. I was baffled at the time, but I so get it now. He was looking for an LTR, to be honest I thought I was too, but I hadn't even scratched the surface. He knew that and if you were honest with yourself so do you.

    You can't hold on to him right now, either accept what he offers or cut ties. Anything in between is only going to make you crazy. Much truth to the adage "If you love someone set them free".

    As for how you go on? Move your furniture around, buy some plants, change it up - new bedding etc. if it's really that. I suspect it just smarts, I get that. But all this obsessing is only going to make a bad thing worse. Go hang with friends, shop elsewhere for a while. Do what you have to do to get this out of your mind.

    If not, risk your sanity and still loose him forever.
    So much wisdom here, OP. Well said.
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Jun 12, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    I kno exactly what u mean dude

    I cannot get over my ex at all T-T

    shit sucks!!!!!
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    Jun 13, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    where to start

    actually its easy...you need to cut off all contact with him, no texting, no phone, no emails, not sure where you live but you need to start hanging out elsewhere

    you already broke up so not sure why you are engaging in behavior that shows you want to still be with him. I do not get it. Trying to be friends usually does not work in the short term, eventually you can be but not right away. You were living together within 2 months of being together which is a red flag IMO

    the guy wants to be single and have you too on occasion, do you not see what is wrong with this

    STOP TALKING TO HIM NOW....or whatever heartache comes is really your own doing.
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    Jun 13, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    Only 23 eh? Well, he's young and I guess he doesn't know what he wants yet... he's got a lot of life to experience to catch up to you.
    And hey it's only been a month and you are still sleeping with him - it's no real surprise that you haven't been able to move on. First step is to stop having sex with him...
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    Jun 13, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    jerseywoof saidwhere to start

    actually its easy...you need to cut off all contact with him, no texting, no phone, no emails, not sure where you live but you need to start hanging out elsewhere

    you already broke up so not sure why you are engaging in behavior that shows you want to still be with him. I do not get it. Trying to be friends usually does not work in the short term, eventually you can be but not right away. You were living together within 2 months of being together which is a red flag IMO

    the guy wants to be single and have you too on occasion, do you not see what is wrong with this

    STOP TALKING TO HIM NOW....or whatever heartache comes is really your own doing.


    +1 This is good advice. Cut all ties and contact. Change your cell phone number, delete FB, get a new email address. Move if you can.

    Maintaining contact with this dude and having casual sex is prolonging your misery. Moving forward means making him a distant memory ASAP.
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    Jun 13, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    I don't think it's even necessarily his age. I have met a lot of guys at 23 who have lived more than I have at 51. But this guy, 23 and just out. That is a different thing altogether.

    SO MUCH to see, do, be a part of. I don't think anyone should attempt a serious relationship till they have been out at least 2 years.. even that is pretty skimpy time wise.
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    Jun 13, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    Am I the only one who thinks moving in with someone after being together for only 2 months is...rushing? Just me? I mean, I know I'm not experienced at all really (only been in one relationship that consisted of two dates and sex he didn't enjoy) but for a 23 year old man who wasn't out to move in with his boyfriend of two months...erhmmm...icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 13, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    IceBucket saidAm I the only one who thinks moving in with someone after being together for only 2 months is...rushing? Just me? I mean, I know I'm not experienced at all really (only been in one relationship that consisted of two dates and sex he didn't enjoy) but for a 23 year old man who wasn't out to move in with his boyfriend of two months...erhmmm...icon_neutral.gif


    It's not really for any of us to question. if they both felt it was right at the time, then that's their choice. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I've known people who finally move in together after 2 years of a relationship and realize they can't stand each other after all.

    To the OP, you just have to face the facts. This isn't the LTR you are looking for.
    I do tend to agree with catfish in that, the way you're handling it right now, is just leading down the road to unhappiness, at least in the short term. You have to come to terms with where your relationships stands before you can have a FWB.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jun 13, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    reachedtheclimax saidMan....what do i do?? i cant eat, sleep, work without him always on my mind... icon_sad.gif

    Catfisih is right on.

    Been there once. Time heals all (and pretty much only time.). Experience teaches to just move on and make a clean break. The getting back together in the future is impossible. -Don't see him; don't call; don't answer when he calls; consider spending weekends in a different location. Don't let your friends bring him up in conversation. Whenever he comes to mind, will yourself to think of something else.
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    Jun 13, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    reachedtheclimax saidi hope that there are monogamous guys still out there....i am
    There are, just it time... same goes for your heart. It takes a months to form a meaningful relationship with someone, seconds to shatter it, and sometimes even years to get through the aftermath. All things will happen in their own time. Not all hearts and minds heal the same, but don't rush into a relationship for its own sake. Do it after you've found the strength to be alone, and happily single at that, then let yourself open up to the guys around you. Believe me, sometimes it's the lack of desire to be in a relationship that makes your appreciate the guys around you so much more, than you would with hungry eyes.
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    Jun 13, 2012 4:35 AM GMT


    I spent about 18 years living in the West End of Vancouver and it really wasn't easy to avoid an ex, lol.. Yikes.

    You're letting him go and grieving the loss of a great potential; he can't be what you need, and there's no shame in what you need, and none in what he needs either.


    I used to listen to this song when this happened, which it did a few times.


    I will never forget how painful this is, and so wish you strength and a warm shoulder to help you through.


    There ain't no reason for us sittin' down
    To try to talk our problems out
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use each other we must do without.

    There ain't no reason tryin' to force a smile
    When pain is really in its place
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use let's part before we lose love's trace.

    (We've got to say)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    As I look back I'm really try'n to see
    Just what it was that made us spark
    'Cause the fire's out
    It leaves no doubt, the flame's not burning in our hearts.

    We still are young and both of us have time
    To find our winter love in spring
    Yes we know the truth
    It ain't no use, we're not each other's ev'rything.

    (We always must say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Hate to say goodbye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Why we say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    The trill is gone babe, yeah, yeah, yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    I tried my best to make it work
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    But it seems that we can't get it together, yeah,
    (Wow oh ooh)

    We've got to run in the world
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Seems that we just don't want tot do it
    (Wow oh ooh oh ooh)
    I guess we run out of fluid.
    (Wow oh ooh)

    Yeah, yeah, yeah wonderful baby, baby, baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Don't go, take me baby, don't go baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Ain't no use 'cause we done run out of juice
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    (Wow oh ooh)
    So long baby bye bye baby.

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    Jun 13, 2012 4:40 AM GMT
    You should make your contact to a minimum. Only way to get over him. These thoughts you ar having are perfectly normal. But they take a while to die down... So take the necessary distance for the time being... afterwards, once you are over it, it will no longer even come up in your head

  • Jun 13, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    Thanks guys....i need to listen to my head, it says the same things you all do. Its just getting my heart to agree.
  • McMacster

    Posts: 94

    Jun 13, 2012 5:54 AM GMT
    As I can see you rly miss him and thats OK and you also want to move on but your problem is, you want to find someone like him. Thats a big mistake because everybody is diffrent. You wont find someone like him. Thats the hard truth but you have to accept it. It happend to me the same, but I'm over it.
    You have to find someone who is completely diffrent thats the only way.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jun 13, 2012 8:27 AM GMT
    The fourth dimension heals all wounds.
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    Jun 13, 2012 11:52 AM GMT
    IceBucket saidAm I the only one who thinks moving in with someone after being together for only 2 months is...rushing? Just me? I mean, I know I'm not experienced at all really (only been in one relationship that consisted of two dates and sex he didn't enjoy) but for a 23 year old man who wasn't out to move in with his boyfriend of two months...erhmmm...icon_neutral.gif


    agree...moving in after only 2 months...the guys is bored shortly after. Does not sound like a healthy relationship. Everything fast forwarded and rushed. I cannot see any HEALTHY scenerio where two guys can move into together so quickly
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    Jun 13, 2012 1:12 PM GMT
    jerseywoof said
    IceBucket saidAm I the only one who thinks moving in with someone after being together for only 2 months is...rushing? Just me? I mean, I know I'm not experienced at all really (only been in one relationship that consisted of two dates and sex he didn't enjoy) but for a 23 year old man who wasn't out to move in with his boyfriend of two months...erhmmm...icon_neutral.gif


    agree...moving in after only 2 months...the guys is bored shortly after. Does not sound like a healthy relationship. Everything fast forwarded and rushed. I cannot see any HEALTHY scenerio where two guys can move into together so quickly



    ...we moved in together after about a month. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 13, 2012 1:24 PM GMT
    jerseywoof said
    IceBucket saidAm I the only one who thinks moving in with someone after being together for only 2 months is...rushing? Just me? I mean, I know I'm not experienced at all really (only been in one relationship that consisted of two dates and sex he didn't enjoy) but for a 23 year old man who wasn't out to move in with his boyfriend of two months...erhmmm...icon_neutral.gif


    agree...moving in after only 2 months...the guys is bored shortly after. Does not sound like a healthy relationship. Everything fast forwarded and rushed. I cannot see any HEALTHY scenerio where two guys can move into together so quickly


    This. What I don't understand is: You rush rush rush into this, can't wait on anything, had to have a place, a relationship, get this guy off the DL and into the out world of living the lush gay life, which is fine, but everything was rushed, and now, a few months later, rushing as fast as possible, it all blows up and you are in slow motion, super slow, in letting go. Why not fast forward in letting go in the same speed you rushed into it? Maybe you are loving the drama of the pain of the split?
    Everyone else gave great advice, change phone, email, drop it all and leave him on the side of the road, no contact, you can do that in an hour. Have you done all that yet? Cause you certainly know how to move quickly.
    Interesting how fast you ran ran ran into this mess of a relationship, and how slow you seem to want to hold onto the pain of leaving it.