Is anyone monogamous?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:37 AM GMT
    I have been cheated on so many times and it has ended relationships and hurt so bad. Are there any gay guys that are really monogamous?
    I get so tired of the games people play.
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    Aug 09, 2007 12:59 PM GMT
    Red, you live in Lynchburg, I see. Is it possible - just POSSIBLE - that you're trying to recreate some idealized hetero marriage using two men?

    1) The idealized hetero marriage almost never exists. Straight people in marriages have some kind of sex outside of the relationship in overwhelming numbers - men and women.

    2) The dynamics of two men together is different from a man and a woman anyway...

    Sex outside of a relationship is "cheating" only if that's the way you define it. There are different appropriate rules for different couples.

    Just think about it....

    J.
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:09 PM GMT
    dont let the guy above me get your hopes down. I know plenty and I do mean plenty of women/men, men/men and women/women who only have eyes for each other.

    its about a persons will and desire to make it work, there are people out there, they are rare....but they are.

    I for one would never ever ever ever ever cheat on a bf...so if your one and im one, that makes 2 and im sure there are A LOT MORE.

    Im so tired of this men are animals who want to spread their seed bullshit, yeah, thousands of years ago. a Man has both the physical and chemiscal control of one of the most advanced species we know of on earth. It's just their excuse to justify behavior they know damn well they can control.

    there is always a choice
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:09 PM GMT
    *chemical
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:10 PM GMT
    My man and I have been monogamously partnered for 8 years. We talked about opening the relationship early on, but neither of us wanted to. I think it depends on the two guys, and calling monogamy an aping of heterosexual norms is lazy and disingenuos. Different dynamics work for different people. Monogamy shows a level of commitment that some, but not all, men find difficult
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:19 PM GMT


    I have been in three long term monogamous relationships. No one cheated on anyone else, no one found a new interest, no open relationships. We did finally break up - but for other reasons (job changes, to immature to commit, just too different in long run).

    I demand monogamy, I want the deep sharing and honestyt of a true partnership.

    I know many others that do too.

    R
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    Aug 09, 2007 1:29 PM GMT
    Was monogamous for 16 years in my former relationship. Tend to be that way myself. Different people are different.

    Sounds like the issue is communication. We don't like to talk about this up front, and that's where we get hurt later on.
  • jc_online

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    Aug 09, 2007 1:56 PM GMT
    I agree the issue in mainly communication - before you start dating seriously.

    I was in a 7 1/2 year relationship that ended, I believe, because we couldn't communicate about intimacy and what each of us needed. We kind of defaulted into monogamy because we didn't talk about it and that was the societal example we grew up with.

    Although single at this time, I can't imagine getting into another relationship where physical monogamy will be expected. But I do look forward to that future relationship being emotionally primary/monogamous.

    I don't think we should condemn ayone's choices by saying one definition of a relationship is any weaker/stronger/immature/lazy etc. Rules of relationships should be defined by those in a particular relationship; not anyone on the outside peering in.
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    Aug 09, 2007 2:00 PM GMT
    I'm monogamous since day 1 with my husband. We met 20th october 1999, it's almost 8 years now. We've had ups and downs but we got through. :-)
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Aug 09, 2007 2:08 PM GMT
    ::shrugs::

    I was in a 3 year relationship. Neither of us ever had sex outside the relationship.


    My parents have been married for 30 years this summer. Neither has ever had sex outside their marriage.




    It's all about communication. Unfortunately, that's remarkably difficult for most people, especially about things like this. PSBBigJoey is right to a point, sex outside of marriage is only cheating if you've defined it that way. But you HAVE to communicate about it in advance. I know several over 10 year, very strong and solid relationships that involve outside play. They work well because they communicate about it and both sides are ok with it.

    Some people are wired for monogamy. Some are not. If you are, then you have to make sure you're dating someone wired for and interested in monogamy, or things will implode.
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    Aug 09, 2007 2:09 PM GMT
    Finally--a thread where I can talk about marriage without hijacking the thread! :)

    Monogamy is an important ideal to me. I think the issue of gay marriage is essential to transformation of gay culture. It is true that straights are not always the best examples of marital fidelity. However, they have to deal with the fact that there are legal consequences to cheating. Their spouse can divorce them and get half their money, take the children, the house, etc.

    I think that when gay couples enter into legal civil unions or marriages and discover that cheating has more than just emotional consequences, but can damage them financially, they will start to work harder on monogamy. I look forward to the day when society accepts gays, but also expects them to get married like everyone else.

    I think that the best solution to the cheating problem is this--I think that a gay couple should stand before their friends and families and make public vows of commitment, something like, oh, say, "forsaking all others, 'til death do us part." Making these vows in public, and asking for support from friends and family, doesn't guarantee success, but it helps.

    Real men keep their vows. If you're a real man, your word is your bond, so you know that if you've taken vows in public, it's a matter of masculine honor to live up to them.

    Remember, redonred brought this all up, not me! :)



  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Aug 09, 2007 2:15 PM GMT
    Ashpenaz: I'm all for monogamy if it's your thing, but I don't know if punitive damages are a good incentive.

    It's been pretty well established in psychological trials that punishment *after* something is highly ineffectual.

    If you're staying with someone because you're afraid for your MONEY, what kind of relationship is that?
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    Aug 09, 2007 2:23 PM GMT
    What is so special about monogamy? You're not going to win a prize. God's not going to let you into heaven just because you only had one guy's cock up your ass or vice versa. Your straight neighbors won't like you more because you're monogamous. You won't be the envy of all the gays on your block. Even if you are monogamous with each other, he's still not "yours" and you're not "his". It's an empty, hollow word. It's got zilch to do with marriage. It's got zilch to do with character and self esteem. You've got a cock. Use it or lose it.
  • thisguy023

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    Aug 09, 2007 2:24 PM GMT
    It's about making rules together at the start and sticking to them. Relationships will fail if one of the two involved changes the rules without discussing it with the other.

    I have been married now for five years and have been together with my man for more than twelve. And I agree, it's all about communication.
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    Aug 09, 2007 2:34 PM GMT
    The civil unions and gay marriage we are fighting so hard for mean there will be legal consequences for cheating. Monogamy will at least be implied in these contracts. So, the battle for marriage rights is a battle for restrictions on sexual behavior.

    If you don't want your partner to cheat, then my suggestion is take public vows and sign a contract--now available in Massachusetts, NJ, etc., and coming to a state near you!

    Again, this is my suggestion--and it does not imply a lack of respect for other peoples' choices--we all have to do what we think is best.

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    Aug 09, 2007 2:41 PM GMT
    To defend my earlier post, I never implied that monogamy was innately virtuous, I simply said that it was a lazy generalisation to say that men can't be monogamous, and should not be expected to uphold monogamy.

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 09, 2007 2:55 PM GMT
    I can be monogamous in a full satisfying relationship. I mean, in communication, sexually, love, faithfullness and respect to each other.

    I was totally faithful with my ex bf. during our 2 years relationship. Until I find out his cheating on me. Even then it take me a couple of months before I finally takes my clothes infront of another man. I just not gonna be a fool anymore. Just like everybody else I have my pride, you cheat on me, I cheat on you.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Aug 09, 2007 3:20 PM GMT
    How... liberating Ashpenaz. Do you really mean that fighting for marriage rights is fighting for restrictions on sexual behavior?



    I have to say, I have never before heard anyone make an argument that made me question my devotion to the cause of gay marriage. You just have.

    Punitive punishment is the worst possible reason EVER to be in a relationship. And if that's what someone needs to rely on to keep their partner faithful, then I want no part of that relationship.

    I plan to get married. I plan to get married to someone who loves me and is monogamous (probably) with me, because we've talked about it and he WANTS to be, not because he's AFRAID to do otherwise. Fear is not a healthy way to run a relaitonship.
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    Aug 09, 2007 3:25 PM GMT
    Hmm. Even if you don't approve of marriage qua marriage, it's still worth fighting for. Under the law, a gay relationship is inferior, so whether you choose to marry or not is irrelevant, you should fight for the right to choose
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    Aug 09, 2007 3:30 PM GMT
    Can we put the "marriage" vs. "civil union" vs. "relationship" thing in another thread - that will REALLY divert this one.
  • DiverScience

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    Aug 09, 2007 3:44 PM GMT
    Yeah, sorry, that wasn't my point at all to divert the discussion.

    My point was simply that threat of punitive punishment is not a solid foundation for a relationship of any sort.
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    Aug 09, 2007 3:47 PM GMT
    I'd have to agree with Joey. This is about communication in a relationship, and really is a precursor to the marriage topic.

    Ashpenaz, I think that that would be served better somewhere else.

    To relate from someone who lives in Gay Marriage Central for the US, one of the reasons that my relationship ended was because of gay marriage being possible. Imagine being asked 4-5 times a day, every day, for months on end "Are you going to get married?" Really makes you look more critically at your relationship. Because the communication wasn't there, I couldn't see myself committing to marriage, although I had committed myself to the relationship and monogamy (we had already had the big ceremony with 400 people, so this was a legal issue. We were already a committed couple in the eyes of our friends and family.

    That said, I'm more open to a non-monogamous option for the next relationship. Granted, it probably won't go there, but I'm more open to talking about it now.
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:05 PM GMT
    i like the concept of monogamy, the ideals of it and the intimacy degree of it.

    I want it, with someone, and have that hope and desire that i will find it. Thats what i want in life.

    Theres a stage where in goes past the physical and is entirely an emotional thing. Conincidently, after being closed to myself for about 10yrs, recently i have been given a new breath of life and have that push towards intimacy and trust and love etc etc, it excites me more than plain old porn.


    (sometimes i like growing up :) )


    I think i should start a love is.... thread
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2007 4:19 PM GMT
    I've been in relationships where I got cheated on as well and that probably explains the premium I put on monogamy.

    Like a few other guys who have posted here, we've been monogamous for 8 years now and yeah, it's all about know exactly what each expects. We're very open and honest about what we want and we can check guys out with each other without it becoming a huge jealousy issue. We live by the "go out and work up an appetite, but come home for dinner!" philosophy ;-)

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    Aug 09, 2007 4:24 PM GMT
    I believe it is entirely possible - yet I also realize that people cheat. Still, somehow, that hasn't changed my view that it is possible. Hopefully you (redonred) can feel the same way despite having your heart broken.