Difficulty letting go of feelings, although I was the one to end the relationship.

  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 15, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    Anyone else ever had these feelings? I was in an almost 3 year relationship with someone that I loved longer and more than anyone prior. There where things about the relationship that made it difficult. A significant age difference, and lack of acceptance from his family. I'm the older one. Aside from that, he was kind of hypocritical, selfish, and judgmental. I learned all this about him over the last year of our relationship. While still w/him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to end it - and I finally listened and did it. But I still love him. I have never broken up with someone I still love. I knew I had to do it, but two months later, I"m still not really moving on emotionally. I still dream about him. And of course, running into him out and about with mutual 'friends' is really hard. Our connection was intense. Almost constant contact thru text over the course of the relationship. We've seen each other out, and have been friendly. I know we both still have feelings. But I also know the relationship we had was not healthy, and I had to get out of it. I love the guy dearly, but there's something about him - his hypocrisy and selfishness, that always points itself out. Even since our break up, he's done things that make me wonder about him. He's an extremely good looking sexy guy, so of course all these 'friends' of mine have been like vultures trying to befriend him. And he even took an offer to 'work out' with a friend of mine, who he said he hated, and was hanging out at the bar with someone else he always said he couldn't stand. Just makes me wonder what's really going on inside his head. Anyway, just venting and wanting to hear different perspective. I really do want to break this psychological and emotional connection. I have succeeded in breaking our physical one. And yes, I miss making love to him.
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    Jun 16, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    It needs time, and falling in love again with someone else.

    If you were able to feel nothing after a break up, it would just mean you lost your time with someone you never cared for.

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    Jun 16, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    GS27_USC saidAnyone else ever had these feelings? I was in an almost 3 year relationship with someone that I loved longer and more than anyone prior. There where things about the relationship that made it difficult. A significant age difference, and lack of acceptance from his family. I'm the older one. Aside from that, he was kind of hypocritical, selfish, and judgmental. I learned all this about him over the last year of our relationship. While still w/him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to end it - and I finally listened and did it. But I still love him. I have never broken up with someone I still love. I knew I had to do it, but two months later, I"m still not really moving on emotionally. I still dream about him. And of course, running into him out and about with mutual 'friends' is really hard. Our connection was intense. Almost constant contact thru text over the course of the relationship. We've seen each other out, and have been friendly. I know we both still have feelings. But I also know the relationship we had was not healthy, and I had to get out of it. I love the guy dearly, but there's something about him - his hypocrisy and selfishness, that always points itself out. Even since our break up, he's done things that make me wonder about him. He's an extremely good looking sexy guy, so of course all these 'friends' of mine have been like vultures trying to befriend him. And he even took an offer to 'work out' with a friend of mine, who he said he hated, and was hanging out at the bar with someone else he always said he couldn't stand. Just makes me wonder what's really going on inside his head. Anyway, just venting and wanting to hear different perspective. I really do want to break this psychological and emotional connection. I have succeeded in breaking our physical one. And yes, I miss making love to him.
    You just described my last x almost to a tee.. except the age thing.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Jun 16, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    Well, I was going to say it is all part of growing up, but when I saw your age, I have to pause for a bit. What you describe is difficulties that one might experience in his twenties or so. Seems like some group support/and or therapy might help you work through this, and also some other baggage you might have going on. Good Luck
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Jun 16, 2012 4:04 AM GMT
    Yep, I've been there and done this. My experience was with a chick, but it would apply the same to a dude. You feel like crap and the pain does not go away quickly, but it will go away especially if the person you broke away from was an asshole. The only advice I have for you is have the patience of time. If the person you left was really as jacked up as you thought he or she was which caused you to leave them in the first place, then you don't have to worry about them trying to mend things with you. You will find that they just move on to someone else and you are the idiot, but good person, sitting around thinking about the fact that you broke up with them behind their bullshit. They are not thinking about you. And you should thank whatever God you serve for this fact. Move on man.
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    Jun 16, 2012 9:21 AM GMT
    That sounds aggravating. Is he just trying to make you jealous?
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    Jun 16, 2012 9:43 AM GMT
    I actually broke things off with my first boyfriend after only two weeks to be honest...our lifestyles were too different and it just didnt work.. but we kept seeing each other for months after... and remained in touch for years as friends...

    The first few months were still an emotional roller coaster.. after I moved away from the Caribbean to Europe, I was sad for two more weeks.. I still felt like I "wanted" him, even though it was obviously not working... after the two weeks away though, I was fine, and I was able to go back to being just friends, which we remained for several years after...

    Unfortunately, the lifestyle difference only became larger (he was big into partying and drugs, which I experimented with for a while, but after the break-up I went on a very healthy lifestyle kick, with lots of healthy foods and meditation and stuff, while he stayed in the party and drug scene) so that finally even a friendship became difficult....

    I called him last year when I was in the Caribbean... we talked very casually.. when I heard his voice the first time in years I had a flinch of that old "flame" interest you can get with the past (he was my first)... but even though we could just talk casually and normally, I felt no need to restart that old friendship.. there just did not seem any use for it anymore... we didnt share practically anything but those few months of a big "rush" for which I had no use. He in the meantime also left that lifestyle, but htere just wasnt that kind of connection anymore
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    Jun 16, 2012 10:04 AM GMT
    Dude don't expect to get over a 3 year relationship in a few months. You will move on in time, honestly you are in the transition period from a relationship to being single and ready to date again, sooo it's gonna be boring and emotionally hard for a while. Then you will feel yourself again and willno longer feel like he was meant for your or that the relationship was really what you wanted.

    Or you could start a drug habit, may I suggest crack.
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    Jun 16, 2012 10:08 AM GMT
    These first post fuckers.........icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 16, 2012 10:57 AM GMT
    Umm, welcome to RJ... or welcome back, idk... Umm, sometimes this happens and you miss the part of the relationship that counted more, cause you realize what really matters to you, and life, as you go about learning from your life's struggles. It's so easy to get caught up on in the past... but so self destructive. Let him go, let yourself feel what you feel, cry it out, write it out, do something productive with yourself, as long as it gets rid of the negativity in your mind. The best thing you can do is acknowledge what you think is the "mistake" in that situation and never make it again. Good luck and move on, for yourself.
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    Jun 16, 2012 10:59 AM GMT
    Amazing you chose us to unload all your woe.......icon_wink.gif
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses. I realize it will take time. And I also realize my own 'baggage' as one mentioned.
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    I had every intention of trying to remain friends, knowing however that it would take time. But since the breakup and knowing that he's hangin out with people that he always said he hated... Makes me wonder should I even want to.

    He seems to say one thing and do the exact opposite.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 16, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    Hey, sorry to hear about your situation, but it really isn't that uncommon.

    Your "logical side" made an appropriate decision, given a review of the relationship and circumstances and your emotional side hasn't come to grips with it. Congrats. Many guys don't make decisions this way, they make emotional decisions and hang on until they are truly hurt and emotionally beat up. Take some time, let things even out, be friendly, but go on. If you can
    develop a friendship with this guy... cool.. but you probably made the best decision overall. Move forward when you are ready to do so.. and again, congrats for having the self esteem and good sense to take action and move forward.
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    Jun 16, 2012 2:19 PM GMT
    Well it's not like you have to hate him, things can be civil but he just might be a person that you don't open up to intimately anymore.
    It's not like you can't say hi and bye with casual conversation but that doesn't mean you have to open up about your life as well.

    It's fine being friends with him if he's mature enough to do so but what you have to define is what kind of friendship you'll have with him.

    As for that hypocrisy that you noticed in him, there's nothing much else that's on your part that your responsible for. It is unfortunate that he's like that and if you are in a place at some point where you feel its okay to address that (if you haven't already) then do so and whatever he does with it is his own accord.

    Some people do crazy things that one can never fully understand so I suppose you just have to be grateful that you avoided something that could have gotten worse.

    I say all this on the assumption that you talked to him about why you left him already.
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    'Some people do crazy things that one can never fully understand so I suppose you just have to be grateful that you avoided something that could have gotten worse.'

    That is exactly what I was thinking, and yes I did talk to him about why I wanted to end the relationship. The straw that broke the camel's back was an argument that showed me how selfish he was. At that moment it was like a brick hit me in the head- a real eye opener, and my mind would not let me get past it. I took a few days to think about it, and my mind would not let me just let it go. It's like I knew I had to end it, because if that kind of selfishness is so prevalent in him today, then it would likely be there in the future, and show itself in a more hurtful way.
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    Jun 16, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    GS27_USC said'Some people do crazy things that one can never fully understand so I suppose you just have to be grateful that you avoided something that could have gotten worse.'

    That is exactly what I was thinking, and yes I did talk to him about why I wanted to end the relationship. The straw that broke the camel's back was an argument that showed me how selfish he was. At that moment it was like a brick hit me in the head- a real eye opener, and my mind would not let me get past it. I took a few days to think about it, and my mind would not let me just let it go. It's like I knew I had to end it, because if that kind of selfishness is so prevalent in him today, then it would likely be there in the future, and show itself in a more hurtful way.


    There you go icon_smile.gif
    I think maybe you were after a bit more of a solid closure, a listening ear and someone to tell you that you aren't crazy.

    Sometimes just saying it gives some sense of clarification and you did that so hopefully you're at peace with your decision and cheers to moving on icon_smile.gif
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    Yes, I still believe I did the right thing for me. However, because of all these left over emotions, I feel sometime as if I'm the one who got dumped. I know that is my own issue to overcome. I have never broken up with someone I love, so this is my first experience with that. And I can say, for me, it really doesn't feel much differently than being the one was let go.

    Hopefully someday soon, I will have another revealing moment like the one that made me break it off, that will make me say, 'thank God, I"m outta that one.'

    What's frustrating is that I should already feel that way, with what I had to deal with, and what I've seen and learned since the break up.

    I'm out of here to enjoy the day. Thanks for the responses. Be back later!

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    Jun 16, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    If you don't mind me asking, what exactly about him do you like? Besides the physical I mean. Maybe I'm just dense or insensitive or something but from what it sounds like, it sounds like a purely physical thing you like about him. icon_neutral.gif
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    The physical attraction was certainly there, it was the best, most passionate sex I've ever had. Aside from that, he was sweet, cute, funny and we just really clicked - for a while - and he was all previously mentioned when he was getting his way. But when he was not - he was emotionally manipulative, and acted like a baby. And towards that later few months of the relationship, he was very clingy, needy, and I felt smothered. It was like he wanted me to be with him every second. I felt trapped in the relationship to be honest. All I could think about was that I needed to get out. He had this way of twisting things and putting them back on me whenever it was clear he had done something wrong. Honestly, I felt as if I was raising a child instead of having a partner. And the last argument over something that I asked him if he'd mind doing....and the way he reacted...that was enough for me.
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    Jun 16, 2012 6:14 PM GMT
    the stuff you list as missing is the superficial stuff: his good looks, his appearances in public socialising with your friends, the image of him with someone else having a good time. these are not what relationships are made of. relationships are made of interactions, value, caring, trust, intimacy, looking out for each other, sharing, teamwork, etc. if he can't contribute 50%, then its not going to work.

    you said he's "done things to make me wonder about him" - is he actually purposefully trying to do things he wouldn't otherwise do, just to get your attention? could it be that in your grief, you're focusing on things that aren't there? i ask this because hey he's young and maybe he is just getting back into the dating game with people whom have expressed interest in him (it takes 2 to tango). after all, you broke up with him. do you expect him to be celibate for a prescribed time? if so, you should have made that clear as terms of the break up. yes, this is ridiculous. what i'm trying to say is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. and you can't predict nor control how the other person is going to react to a break-up. it seems that the self-centredness isn't only on his side of things.

    the adult thing is to be polite and respectful, despite all the water under the bridge. you don't have to be best friends, but if you broke-up and the deal is done, then you have to let go and not try to control the other person, nor allow them to control you. it means smiling, nodding, and then moving away so that you can find your new direction, and he can find his.

    good luck

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    Jun 16, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like he is just moving on...trying to open another chapter in his life.

    But it also sounds like you may be having second thoughts...especially since it seems like the breakup hasnt really been that hard for him.

    Are you having a bit of remorse from dumping him? Ive only dumped one guy after a LTR and felt very relieved when it was over...
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    Kingmo- agreed. Polite and respectful is what I have been, and will continue to be. I know I let him go, and he can do whatever he wants, and I understand he's young and is 'going with the flow..'

    What I mean by his 'doing things that makes me wonder about him' and his intentions. He repeatedly said he hated this one guy, a 'friend' of mine who at one time I did have a crush on. Since we broke up that friend asked him to get together, and he accepted. That's what makes me wonder. Was it just to try to get to me, or what...

    Anyway...guess it doesn't matter at this point.
  • GS27_USC

    Posts: 31

    Jun 16, 2012 6:30 PM GMT
    Catfish - I know I did the right thing for me. I guess I miss the 'good parts' of the relationship.

    I recognized it was unhealthy for me, and I had to end it.

    I know it's going to take more than two months to be completely over it.
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    Jun 16, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    i was in my LTR for 4 years. its been about 2 yrs + 9 months since we broke up and i'm just getting over it now. the first year i could barely have even casual sex with anyone. the 2nd year i started dating but nothing lasted more than 3 months. now i think i'm ready to let someone back in... cautiously. 2 months is still the early part of a breakup. give yourself more time to feel more stable about it. i'm not saying its going to take 3 years, but its different for everyone depending on the relationship. icon_wink.gif