Coming out of the closet... how to choose a friend to confess

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    Jun 17, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Hi guys, I'm 19 and i'm still in the closet. I know for sure im gay for about 2 years now, but i had my doubts all my life. Thing is, I dont know any gay person, so im pretty alone with my thoughts here. And its getting overwhelming, I want to explain everything to someone, have someone to talk to. I feel so alone , and I just cant stand being a liar and a fake person everysingle day in front of my friends.

    I want to reveal myself to a friend first, since ive always had some issues in my family. But the thing is, i dont know who to talk to. And I was wondering if any of you guys had any tips on which friend you should talk too first (girl or guy) and if it happened to you and you came out of the closet first to a friend, I'd like to know how it went and what gave u the balls to say it.

    Im so scared (obviously) of my friends reaction, I dont want to sound cocky or anything, but ive always been popular, with guys or girls, had so many friends. I was the high school jock that no one would want to make fun of, in fact i use to pick on the other kids. I know people change, so did I, and my true friends dont care about that older me. But when I think of all my true friends (guy or girl), I cant stand the thought of losing one of them because im gay, or even the fact that they will talk and act differently around me (because i know they will).

    Im just fucking tired of being alone, and attached to my old reputation, which i think will make it even harder for me to get out. And thats y i wanted to come out to a friend, at least one, just so i can finally be true to someone. Omg just thinking about it it gives me the hickups lol.

    Anyways, if you have any thought on how to choose a friend to talk to, when to do it, how to do it, anything honestly regarding coming out to a friend, it would be really appreciated.
    Thx
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    Jun 17, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    Your best/closest friend is your best bet!icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 17, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    I have no best friend per say. I never wanted one, not a great fan of chosing someone over somebody else. Just got lots of good friends, a dozen true friends. But still, i feel like once ill be out my true friends will drop dead lol
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    Jun 17, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    vinny42 saidI have no best friend per say. I never wanted one, not a great fan of chosing someone over somebody else. Just got lots of good friends, a dozen true friends. But still, i feel like once ill be out my true friends will drop dead lol
    There is ALWAYS a friend that is closer than the rest.. one that you relate to better than others..
    Your 'true' friends wont go anywhere. If they do, they werent your 'friends' to begin with.
  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    Jun 17, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    It might sound a little cliche, but it's true, if they're really your friend they won't care. If any of them end their friendship with you over it, yea it'll hurt, but it's better to know who the true friends are. I think you'll pick the right person to tell, they'll take it better than you imagined and you'll have a huge weight lifted off your back. As for who to tell first, that's got to be your call. We don't know your friends like you do. Get it over with and I'm almost positive you'll feel better than you ever have... Good luck.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Jun 17, 2012 8:32 PM GMT
    First of all, your assumptions about exactly how people are going to react are mostly going to turn out to be wrong (just like anyone's assumptions about anything in the future turn out to be).

    In my case I found it easier to tell people in reverse order of how long I knew them. Coming out is a part of defining yourself and how you want to live your life, and it can be more difficult for people whose definition of you has been set for longer.

    I started with a female acquaintance as a test run. Then, I told a good male friend who I was really close to but had only known for 2 years and went on from there. With family I told the younger ones first and lastly on to older siblings, parents and grandparents who had known me since I was born.
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    Jun 17, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    I told my cousin first. She's pretty weird and I knew it would be no big deal to her at all. Try to think of the person who you know will be okay with it and who isn't the closest person to you (because we all know how hard it is to tell the people closest to you). I think a cousin's a really good choice because they're kind of friends while still family. I hope that helps. Good luck!!!
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Jun 17, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    First of all, we don't know much about his situation or the area in which he lives. If there are gay support organizations there, I strongly suggest that he join one.

    If he is still dependent on his parents for support, he could be cut off if they found out that he's gay. That could make it exceedingly impossible for him to continue his education.

    If we knew more about him and his situation, we could offer better suggestions.
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    Jun 17, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    Some may actually already know...I know it sounds weird but those close to you will sometimes pick up on things and you telling them just confirms it for sure, be prepared for some people to distant themselves from you...it happens, life goes on and you will meet new friends..most people will most likely stick by your side though and try to understand and be supportive.
  • TexanNC

    Posts: 39

    Jun 17, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    I'm an old man compared to you and just started coming out to some of my friends this year. If you have friends you know won't give a shit, tell them. Those are your true friends. If you worry a friend will change their mind about you and can't see you for you and realize you're the same person, they're not real friends.
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    When i first came out I told 5 or 6 people I knew as a group. It went really well. They were all guys and they immediately asked me who was the most attractive. It was dumb, but funny and endearing. I would say just do it! Try with people who you know are friendly to gays and people who you're close but not extremely close to. That made it easy for me. I told the guys and then after I gained that confidence I told my brother.

    Coming out is just like bottoming. The first 4 or 5 times it's hell, and then after that it's so easy and actually pleasurable. And remember just like bottoming for a really big dick, sometimes it's just not safe to come out. But you also might find that the real big dick (people it's hardest to come out to) feels the best when you actually do it. If you get my ANALogy!!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    FRE0 saidFirst of all, we don't know much about his situation or the area in which he lives. If there are gay support organizations there, I strongly suggest that he join one.

    If he is still dependent on his parents for support, he could be cut off if they found out that he's gay. That could make it exceedingly impossible for him to continue his education.

    If we knew more about him and his situation, we could offer better suggestions.


    This is true...sometimes coming out turns ugly and sometimes people are cool and supportive, it all depends on how understanding the people around you are...I would get a strong group of friends from a GLBT organization that you can fall back on if your ever in need of support.
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    Jerebear saidFirst of all, your assumptions about exactly how people are going to react are mostly going to turn out to be wrong (just like anyone's assumptions about anything in the future turn out to be).



    ^This is true. I lost quite a few people in my life for this reason. But I gained some new, wonderful people in my life. One went out of his way to tell everybody that I was gay, and to shun me.

    One of my closest friends since we were 14, I came out to him a couple of years ago. He said that he knew, and I told him my reason for taking so long was because of the homophobic comments he used to make. He apologized, and I saw a different side of him. It made us closer.

    As a matter of fact, I am going to his wedding in 3 months. He told me to invite a date. icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    Coming out of the closet... how to choose a friend to confess

    "Confess" is an interesting word to have chosen here, since it is normally paired with the concept of guilt and shame. I recognize that you make the point that you feel yourself to be a liar and a fake, which may explain your choice of confess.

    But you might have said: "how to choose a friend to reveal myself" or similar. Not purely a semantic distinction, it does make me wonder if you are ashamed of being gay, not just the concealment of it. Because that will have a lot to do with how you approach telling other people, and how you think about yourself.

    And I don't think that concealment is a mark against you, but rather against society. It's good you want to be open with people, and I can understand the difficulties and tension that concealment causes you. Just be careful you don't hurt yourself in your rush to come out.

    Here's a group that specializes in helping with your dilemma. Read their site (you really have to delve, some links aren't obvious), and see if there's a chapter near you. Even if you just speak with them it may ease your mind to have told SOMEONE about yourself, and receive their support & suggestions.

    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    About a year ago, I was in the same exact position as you are. But I knew I had to come out or I would go crazy. I believe girl friends usually take it better than guy friends, which was why I decided to tell them first. Funny thing is, some of them already had a feeling I was. So just tell a girl friend of yours who you can really talk to. And don't keep thinking "what if's" because that will only scare you more. You will be surprised. Some of the people I thought would be the least accepting turned out to be the ones who were most supportive.
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    vinny42 saidHi guys, I'm 19 and i'm still in the closet. I know for sure im gay for about 2 years now, but i had my doubts all my life. Thing is, I dont know any gay person, so im pretty alone with my thoughts here. And its getting overwhelming, I want to explain everything to someone, have someone to talk to. I feel so alone , and I just cant stand being a liar and a fake person everysingle day in front of my friends.

    I want to reveal myself to a friend first, since ive always had some issues in my family. But the thing is, i dont know who to talk to. And I was wondering if any of you guys had any tips on which friend you should talk too first (girl or guy) and if it happened to you and you came out of the closet first to a friend, I'd like to know how it went and what gave u the balls to say it.

    Im so scared (obviously) of my friends reaction, I dont want to sound cocky or anything, but ive always been popular, with guys or girls, had so many friends. I was the high school jock that no one would want to make fun of, in fact i use to pick on the other kids. I know people change, so did I, and my true friends dont care about that older me. But when I think of all my true friends (guy or girl), I cant stand the thought of losing one of them because im gay, or even the fact that they will talk and act differently around me (because i know they will).

    Im just fucking tired of being alone, and attached to my old reputation, which i think will make it even harder for me to get out. And thats y i wanted to come out to a friend, at least one, just so i can finally be true to someone. Omg just thinking about it it gives me the hickups lol.

    Anyways, if you have any thought on how to choose a friend to talk to, when to do it, how to do it, anything honestly regarding coming out to a friend, it would be really appreciated.
    Thx


    The first people you should tell are those you trust the most...those that already confide in you and vice-versa. In most cases, they won't care that you're gay. They might be surprised, but that's understandable. As long as you show that you're the same person you've always been, most people don't care.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    I told 1 friend at a time. I told the friend that was closest to me then kinda spread to others. It worked and all of them are very supportive.
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    Jun 17, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    Thx alot for all the great comments guys,

    And btw i chose the word confess because im french, and when i translated in my head thats the word that came in my mind.... because i dont feel ashamed or guilty for being gay, I actually think I have an advantage over the rest of the guys because of that fact (might seem wierd to some of you) but its true. I feel stronger now that i know what i am, but the problem is that im the only one who knows right now...

    I think ill start by telling one of my close friends that i know for about 3 years right now, like you guys suggested. We are really close, our family situation is alike (both from Europe, with crazy brothers) Shes been completly honest to me all her life, and so did I, but not when it came to sexuality... And the other day I broke down in front of her house, started crying like a baby . The most frustrating part is that, as much as she was supportive, i couldnt say shit... I just kept telling her ull understand one day why im like that right now...

    Just another thought, I know this guy from my high school, who came out of the closet in secondaire 5 (or 12th grade in the rest of Canada and USA). I dont know him well, I talk to him whenever i see him but thats it. But hes the only gay guy i know, and hes very nice and open-minded. I started thinking that, even if it would be a giant suprise to him, maybe i should come out first to him, as he went throught the same process already. But again, hes not a friend of mine, and even though im sure 100% he would be supportive and wont tell anyone, I just dont think its appropriate to randomly go out to him and reveal myself, question him about 100000 things and so on... Any thoughts on that ?
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    Jun 17, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    Tell your hairdresser. S/he will make sure the whole world knows within a few days (or hours). That'll save you the trouble of telling anyone else.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 17, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    whatever you do, don't tell your father's boyfriend.
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    Jun 17, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Find the girl who you think will be the best fag hag who may or may not also be the one who is the biggest gossip. She'll love you, and tell everyone else, saving you the trouble.
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    Jun 17, 2012 10:38 PM GMT
    calibro saidwhatever you do, don't tell your father's boyfriend.
    What if his father's boyfriend was actually one of his high school classmates?
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    Jun 18, 2012 12:42 AM GMT
    dude, you're living what I went through 1.5 years ago! almost to the T. Chosing somone to come out to is hard, I choose my best friend as my first, he is very conservative christian in fact we were in a bible study together. lol I choose him because I knew if he could except it, everyone else could and if they didn't, screw it, at least i still have my best friend. I told him at a dennys, you could see his brain explode. I being the pastors kid and all, me coming out as gay distroyed what he belived about homosexuality. (it being a choice.) He didn't freak, he didn't get mad, he said okay and shrugged. haha. he called later that night and talked more about it once he had time to digest what happend. To this day we're as close as ever and he doesnt act any different around me. my other friend and family followed suit. Some of them don't agree or don't understand, but they know that they care for me and that's what really matters. feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. And it takes a while to make some quality gay friends lol, I'm still working on that. Went on my first date yesterday. All will come if you are active towards what you want.
  • ATLguy

    Posts: 28

    Nov 20, 2012 8:01 PM GMT
    regeneret223 saiddude, you're living what I went through 1.5 years ago! almost to the T. Chosing somone to come out to is hard, I choose my best friend as my first, he is very conservative christian in fact we were in a bible study together. lol I choose him because I knew if he could except it, everyone else could and if they didn't, screw it, at least i still have my best friend. I told him at a dennys, you could see his brain explode. I being the pastors kid and all, me coming out as gay distroyed what he belived about homosexuality. (it being a choice.) He didn't freak, he didn't get mad, he said okay and shrugged. haha. he called later that night and talked more about it once he had time to digest what happend. To this day we're as close as ever and he doesnt act any different around me. my other friend and family followed suit. Some of them don't agree or don't understand, but they know that they care for me and that's what really matters. feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. And it takes a while to make some quality gay friends lol, I'm still working on that. Went on my first date yesterday. All will come if you are active towards what you want.

    Similar situation with me. very conservative christian family and all. My dad has mixed feeling about homosexuality and the rest of my family are full blown hateful homophobes. I decided in the moment while in the car with my dad, who im most close to, that I wouldn't leave that car until I unloaded what had been eating away at me all my life. My dad may have views that made me hesitant to come out to him, but he loves me above all else. His reaction surprised me and I think it will change his view on homosexuality. He said that "nothing can come between him and me, absolutly nothing!" and now i feel closer to him and free to grow and be the person I want to be.
    If someone really loves you then your relationship will endure almost anything, and they will be willing to change and review their beleifs for your sake.
    Im ready to begin looking for someone to love and explore life with.
    Cheers my friend icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    First of all, I know it's easy for us to give you advice on what to do but in reality actually doing it is way harder. However trust me that coming out is one of the best things that can happen to you.
    I was too part of the "popular" group in High School and you'll be surprised to know that 3 of us were closeted gays. So don't really worry about your popularity, in the end why would you want to pretend to be someone you're not, it's better to have few friends who really love you for who you are instead of having all the energy drain from you cos you have to take care of an image.
    When I first came out, I chose a friend who I knew had a lot of gay friends (kinda like a hag) so I knew she would be cool with it, so I think you should go for a friend who you know has a gay friend and is still friends with him/her. If you don't know any, you should casually ask your friends their point of view on homosexuality and test the waters ;).
    As for the balls to come out and say it, well the courage will come (even though you don't think so) it's gonna be, or at least it was for me, like verbal vomit. I remember that day when I was literally shaking at a coffee place with my friend and I had a plan on how to come out but when the moment came I forgot about everything and said "emmm...I am gay".
    Those 3 words changed my life, it was the real beggining of my life. I didn't have to pretend to be someone, finally I could be just me. . Trust me, even if you think it's hard now, the benefits you'll get from coming out are incredible. After having the support of someone, it will get easier for next coming outs with the people you care about like other friends and family. Cos after all, IMO, I only come out to people who are important in my life, I don't go out and shout I'm gay cos str8 people don't go out and shout it. So don't let your sexuality define who you are.
    Anyway man, hope this helped somehow. And I send you the best of vibes and wishes from here hoping that everything will be alright, which I'm sure will be.
    Coming out has been one of the best experiences, you'll feel like you don't have to carry all that weight you're carrying right now by yourself.
    Please tell us how it goes icon_biggrin.gif
    BEST OF LUCK!!!!!!


    Sorry for the long post, hehe