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I'm In Shock

  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:27 AM GMT
    My very first week of college, before classes had even begun, my roommate (who turned out to be a colossal douchebag but I didn't know that yet) and I went to one of the university buildings where they showed recent-run movies for 50 cents in the auditorium. In those pre-VHS days, film societies were the main way to see movies other than in theaters, and Ann Arbor had seven or eight full-schedule film groups.

    So we bought our tickets and milled around, chatting as we waited for the doors to open, and we were approached by an older guy, all of 21.I was 16 at the time, though I didn't tell people that. He kind of joined in our conversation, then told me privately that he was a grad student who didn't know too many people yet, and would I like to catch a movie with him next week? He gave me his number.

    So a couple days later I called him. We went to see "Claire's Knee" , a French film by Eric Rohmer, and then he invited me back to his place for coffee. I sort of knew what was up and I was both scared and intrigued. Sure enough, before the night was over he had me in his bed. Tim was an uber-geek, a physics student, smart but socially awkward, with a long, lean and terrifically defined body, which I now realize sort of set the standard of all the men I've been attracted to ever since.

    I was never in love with him, and although there was no such term for it at the time, we became fuck buddies. We didn't get to meet all that often because we both had heavy courseloads and I was playing piano weekends in cocktail lounges to earn my way through school. But from September of 1973 through the early spring of 1974, we met when we could, for a movie or a bite, but always to end up screwing like bunnies.

    Then one day after I hadn't seen him for almost two weeks I went to his apartment because he hadn't been answering his phone. The apartment was vacant. He was simply gone. I tried asking the neighbors but no one knew anything, or at least they weren't saying. So I gradually forgot about it over time.

    I just learned tonight that he was murdered. I got the basic facts from google earlier and then found someone with his unusual last name on Facebook who turned out to be his older brother, who I emailed. He sent me a message and told me what happened. A guy had picked Tim up for sex, but then robbed and killed him.

    Thirty eight years later and I have a horrible pit in my stomach, and I don't really know why.

    Edit: I don't think I made this clear, reading it over: He was murdered back then, not recently. That's why his apartment was vacant.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:40 AM GMT
    wow............ hugz!
  • Dante_101 Posts: 562
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    o wow. That is a really sad story. Im sorry to hear that
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    Oh wow. That's unreal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    I can't, and won't say there was something you could've done to prevent this, but one idea of the feeling in your stomach, could be a belief that you may have been able to prevent his death.

    Another possibility is that you're in shock..

    Yet another, theory is that you could have ended up being your friend, should he had decided to Rob and kill you. Once, again these are simply speculations, but each decision that we make in life creates a ripple that can eventually take us to the end of the road, in your case you were lucky enough to not have gone through that.

    I'd say offer up a prayer for his soul wherever it may be, this helps calm me down whenever i experience moments of shock. Hopefully it will help you as well ^-^
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:43 AM GMT
    That is indeed shocking.

    Did the older brother say if the killer was convicted?
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass said
    Thirty eight years later and I have a horrible pit in my stomach, and I don't really know why.


    Hell I have a pit in my stomach o_O That's horrible. And...kind of rings all too close to any gay man (and by any I mean every single one) who has ever gone out with another guy or had been going out with another guy who they thought was really into them and then one day disappears out of the blue without any communication whatsoever. While we all know they guy just flaked and didn't want to see us anymore, undoubtedly someone always jokingly makes the comment "maybe he got in a horrible accident and died".

    To actually consider (and see proof of) this might have happened is really jarring.
  • Karl Posts: 4955
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:47 AM GMT
    oh this really sounds like a sad movie
    so sorry to hear that.
    I have just also been shocked when I read those final lines
    hugs...
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidThat is indeed shocking.

    Did the older brother say if the killer was convicted?

    I didn't write back. The brother was actually kind of hostile, asking me why I cared and if i was one of Tim's tricks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:49 AM GMT
    Hugs for you, JP.

  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 6:51 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass said
    Art_Deco saidThat is indeed shocking.

    Did the older brother say if the killer was convicted?

    I didn't write back. The brother was actually kind of hostile, asking me why I cared and if i was one of Tim's tricks.

    OIC, thanks. Clearly he doesn't understand that a mere trick in the gay world, where names are barely exchanged, would be unlikely to follow-up 38 years later.
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:00 AM GMT
    I don't really understand what I'm feeling. I didn't love the guy. The sex was good but he probably had Asperger's or something. Often very inappropriate and even just plain kind of weird, but endearing and definitely great in bed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass saidI don't really understand what I'm feeling.


    I don't think anyone could tell you, but if I were to attempt to put myself in a hypothetically similar situation it might be something like forced delayed closure. Even if like you said you didn't love him and even if his sudden departure wasn't devastating, somewhere in the back of your mind he was alive. Somewhere in your mind he was alive and he went off somewhere, somewhere in your mind he set off on his own life and met people, went places, went to sleep and woke up again. Even if for the slightest moments as the years went on somewhere in your mind he was somewhere, doing something. Receiving this news forces you to rip all that out, because he wasn't doing any of those things. You are forced to rip out all the little moments he might have crossed your mind because none of them happened because his life had ended when you saw his empty apartment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:11 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass saidI don't really understand what I'm feeling. I didn't love the guy. The sex was good but he probably had Asperger's or something. Often very inappropriate and even just plain kind of weird, but endearing and definitely great in bed.

    Dunno, but I'm sure there's some fancy name for it. But I would think a normal reaction.

    I know I had odd feelings when I learned that people I've known over the years had died without my being aware of it until much later. Though none were sexual lovers, which must add some additional element.

    The murder aspect, and your having checked on him without success, would also make this an emotional jumble. Maybe even mixed with some guilt, that had you been seeing him more, he wouldn't have hooked up with this guy?
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:16 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    CrankyMcBadass saidI don't really understand what I'm feeling.


    I don't think anyone could tell you, but if I were to attempt to put myself in a hypothetically similar situation it might be something like forced delayed closure. Even if like you said you didn't love him and even if his sudden departure wasn't devastating, somewhere in the back of your mind he was alive. Somewhere in your mind he was alive and he went off somewhere, somewhere in your mind he set off on his own life and met people, went places, went to sleep and woke up again. Even if for the slightest moments as the years went on somewhere in your mind he was somewhere, doing something. Receiving this news forces you to rip all that out, because he wasn't doing any of those things. You are forced to rip out all the little moments he might have crossed your mind because none of them happened because his life had ended when you saw his empty apartment.

    That's getting somewhere near it.
    I have had occasional daydreams about him once every few years or so, daydreams in which we continued to see each other,and he got sort of more normal over time (hey, they were my daydreams and I could make him do anything I want!) and maybe we'd get used to each other more and actually fall in love. I don't know, that's sort of childish. I think he really did love me, though. But I was too young for those feelings; I'd only turned 17 a month before he was killed.

    So confusing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:21 AM GMT
    Ariodante said...somewhere in the back of your mind he was alive. Somewhere in your mind he was alive and he went off somewhere, somewhere in your mind he set off on his own life and met people, went places, went to sleep and woke up again. Even if for the slightest moments as the years went on somewhere in your mind he was somewhere, doing something. Receiving this news forces you to rip all that out, because he wasn't doing any of those things. You are forced to rip out all the little moments he might have crossed your mind because none of them happened because his life had ended when you saw his empty apartment.

    Very insightful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass said
    That's getting somewhere near it.
    I have had occasional daydreams about him once every few years or so, daydreams in which we continued to see each other,and he got sort of more normal over time (hey, they were my daydreams and I could make him do anything I want!) and maybe we'd get used to each other more and actually fall in love. I don't know, that's sort of childish. I think he really did love me, though. But I was too young for those feelings; I'd only turned 17 a month before he was killed.

    So confusing.


    I can only feebly relate instances when I've had feelings for someone but they didn't materialize into anything. Years went by and in my mind I would play out what the world would be like if they had materialized. I wrote a tortured piece (the only thing remotely close to a piece of writing of some substance) where I opened a door and physically went to the past. In my writing all days of our past still exist, physically. We simply abandon them. So in it I return to a night one year before, and everything is overgrown and falling apart (because that day continued to age). I returned to this collapsing Past Day because it had been the night where I thought a boy had made a connection with me, and it had been a magical night. So despite the aging world falling apart precariously around me I traveled to this ruined landscape just to be in that moment.

    I don't know exactly why I bought this up, but it reminded me of your situation in some ways, because receiving this news kind of news forces you to step back into the past because you have to be in that place to deal with those feelings.
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:30 AM GMT
    Ariodante said

    I can only feebly relate instances when I've had feelings for someone but they didn't materialize into anything. Years went by and in my mind I would play out what the world would be like if they had materialized. I wrote a tortured piece (the only thing remotely close to a piece of writing of some substance) where I opened a door and physically went to the past. In my writing all days of our past still exist, physically. We simply abandon them. So in it I return to a night one year before, and everything is overgrown and falling apart (because that day continued to age). I returned to this collapsing Past Day because it had been the night where I thought a boy had made a connection with me, and it had been a magical night. So despite the aging world falling apart precariously around me I traveled to this ruined landscape just to be in that moment.

    I don't know exactly why I bought this up, but it reminded me of your situation in some ways, because receiving this news kind of news forces you to step back into the past because you have to be in that place to deal with those feelings.

    I love the idea behind your story.
    I've been sitting here reliving some of our nights together. I never liked to stay over, though he always wanted me to. But I had early classes so I would slip out late at night and walk home through the very very quiet Ann Arbor night still feeling his lips pressed against the back of my neck.
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    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 7:46 AM GMT
    I am sorry for your loss.

    It is a loss of sorts because you are now having to say goodbye to a part of your past - and what sounds like pleasant memories.

  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 8:57 AM GMT
    This must be hugely disorienting. Sorry that the brother was kind of a jerk about it, but maybe the whole family has some issues about social interaction?

    I found out last year that someone I really hated had died without my knowing and it was weird. To find out that a guy you were friendly with (even in a defined kind of way) was killed in circumstances that somewhat mirror your relationship to him, has to trigger all kinds of emotional responses.
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    onaquest saidI am sorry for your loss.

    It is a loss of sorts because you are now having to say goodbye to a part of your past - and what sounds like pleasant memories.


    Thanks for the hug.
  • meninlove Posts: 27379
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 1:36 PM GMT

    Excerpts:


    " I sort of knew what was up and I was both scared and intrigued. Sure enough, before the night was over he had me in his bed. Tim was an uber-geek, a physics student, smart but socially awkward, with a long, lean and terrifically defined body, which I now realize sort of set the standard of all the men I've been attracted to ever since."

    "Often very inappropriate and even just plain kind of weird, but endearing and definitely great in bed."

    " I have had occasional daydreams about him once every few years or so, daydreams in which we continued to see each other,and he got sort of more normal over time (hey, they were my daydreams and I could make him do anything I want!) and maybe we'd get used to each other more and actually fall in love. I don't know, that's sort of childish. I think he really did love me, though "

    "I would slip out late at night and walk home through the very very quiet Ann Arbor night still feeling his lips pressed against the back of my neck."

    These bits speak to me. They tell me he had quite an impact in your formative years of romantic/sexual coming of age in early manhood.

    That you remember these things in the way you do, and that you feel the way you do getting this tragic news tells me more about that heart of yours and what a wonderful heart it is. And what a wonderful man it's in.

    -Doug

    xxooo
  • GWriter Posts: 1245
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry to hear this. You clearly had a strong connection to this guy in some way. Best wishes for getting through this.
  • msuNdc Posts: 4056
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    Other than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.
  • Aristoshark Posts: 23899
    QUOTE Jun 23, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidOther than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.

    Sadly, he's not the first person I've known who got murdered. He's not even the second.