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msuNtx saidOther than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.

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CrankyMcBadass said

msuNtx saidOther than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.

Sadly, he's not the first person I've known who got murdered. He's not even the second.

Well here is hoping that you feel better. Maybe you could send flowers to the funeral? Write in the card Go Blue or something.

msuNtx said

CrankyMcBadass said

msuNtx saidOther than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.

Sadly, he's not the first person I've known who got murdered. He's not even the second.

Well here is hoping that you feel better. Maybe you could send flowers to the funeral? Write in the card Go Blue or something.

I think you misunderstood, sweetz. He was murdered 38 years ago. That's why his apartment was vacant.

CrankyMcBadass said

msuNtx said

CrankyMcBadass said

msuNtx saidOther than the fact that he just up and left out of your life and then 38 years later he is dead. Your feelings seem to be quite normal. He was a part of your life and I think when anyone that has been involved in our life has been murdered we react differently than just a normal death. If he was your gay experience then that could also have something to do with the weird feeling as well.

Sadly, he's not the first person I've known who got murdered. He's not even the second.

Well here is hoping that you feel better. Maybe you could send flowers to the funeral? Write in the card Go Blue or something.

I think you misunderstood, sweetz. He was murdered 38 years ago. That's why his apartment was vacant.

Ohhh yes I did misinterpret. That is my Texas edumacation. Told you I wasn't that bright. Well that makes it even worse :/ I'm sorry bud.

Oh, I misunderstood this too. I thought he was just killed. You were saying you found out he had been murdered all those years ago.
In any event... very sorry to hear about this.

It really makes you think twice about that quick Grindr hookup with some random dude, eh?

I am very sorry, JP. I'm almost in as much shock as you after reading your account. I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling or what knowing this does to your memory of him. Even though you didn't love him, it seems pretty clear to me he left quite an impression on you even though it had been buried in your subconscious all these years until now.

My biggest hugs and sympathies.

GWriter saidOh, I misunderstood this too. I thought he was just killed. You were saying you found out he had been murdered all those years ago.
In any event... very sorry to hear about this.

Yes. It solved the mystery of why he disappeared from my life. He wouldn't have just left----he was pursuing a doctorate in physics and was very smart.

It sounds like you had been growing very fond of him, even if you hadn't been in love with him yet. And I think most of us have some kind of nostalgia for our first/early really positive sensual, sexual experiences. It's rough when the memories of those things are tainted by something so terrible. I think it's natural to feel emotionally drained and somewhat wrung out.

I think Ariodante and others have said it best already, though. I certainly empathize, and send my hugs as well.

pocketnico saidIt really makes you think twice about that quick Grindr hookup with some random dude, eh?

I am very sorry, JP. I'm almost in as much shock as you after reading your account. I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling or what knowing this does to your memory of him. Even though you didn't love him, it seems pretty clear to me he left quite an impression on you even though it had been buried in your subconscious all these years until now.

My biggest hugs and sympathies.

Thanks Nico. I've been very disconcerted since i discovered this, even though it took place a lifetime ago.

tigrisblue saidIt sounds like you had been growing very fond of him, even if you hadn't been in love with him yet. And I think most of us have some kind of nostalgia for our first/early really positive sensual, sexual experiences. It's rough when the memories of those things are tainted by something so terrible. I think it's natural to feel emotionally drained and somewhat wrung out.

I think Ariodante and others have said it best already, though. I certainly empathize, and send my hugs as well.

Thanks for the hugs. I still haven't sorted out what i feel. But i will at some point.

CrankyMcBadass said
Thirty eight years later and I have a horrible pit in my stomach, and I don't really know why.

Because the degree of separation was just too damned close!

Wow that's really sad to find out like that.

All I can say is that send a kind message to the older brother and tell him that even after all these years you remember his brother as genuine kind person he was.
It might not offer him much solace but at least the older brother should know that Gay men have souls too.

Big hugs from me, too.

No wonder you are in shock. The mystery of your FB just disappearing on you has stayed with you all those years and now finding out, that, what actually happened, was a worst-case scenario, must be pretty unsettling. Like you said, you daydreamed about him repeatedly in the years since, so whether it was love or just lust from your side, he left his mark on you.

It's one of the sadder parts of being gay, that friends and lovers can suddenly disappear because hospitals and police only notify his family. They in turn don't contact his gay friends because they don't know about them or just don't care. And you are left with a mystery for the next 38 years..

Fivealive saidWow that's really sad to find out like that.

All I can say is that send a kind message to the older brother and tell him that even after all these years you remember his brother as genuine kind person he was.
It might not offer him much solace but at least the older brother should know that Gay men have souls too.

Good idea.
Tim was kind. But he was very bad at assessing people. And I'm imagining this terrible scene where this guy approaches him and Tim too eagerly went with him. The other guy may not have even been gay, just a predator.

CrankyMcBadass saidI don't really understand what I'm feeling. I didn't love the guy. The sex was good but he probably had Asperger's or something. Often very inappropriate and even just plain kind of weird, but endearing and definitely great in bed.

Maybe you didn't love him but you surely care about him otherwise you would have forgotten about him and never thought of following up on it.

Try not to think about it too much

Don't have time to read everythign here, but I read the first post so far and wanted to send a hug. Pretty crazy. I'm glad it wasn't you in his place.

It is so very difficult to encounter the fact that not all of the transactions in our lives are neatly defined. The edges that are left raw and the seams that are never completely sewn have a way of reminding us of our own complexity. I hope that you are able to celebrate Tim's passing force and the part of the puzzle that you shared. It's just one of those times when we will never know the whole picture.

so sorry.. what a horribly sad story.. HUGZ n Kisses

Terrible story.

Shocking story. If you want to get more info you can always write back to his brother and just say you knew him from a class or you were lab partners, or something. Little white lie. Wouldn't matter.

I'm guessing the neighbors knew something and just weren't talking, since it was unsolved. They had to have seen the police, and coroner removing the body, if in fact he took his killer home to his apartment. Do you know whether he was killed at his apartment or killed somewhere else?

I sometimes think about a few individuals from my college years - - and wonder whatever happened to them - - where they are now, etc. A few years ago I saw the name of an old b.f. in a list of deceased guys who'd attended my high school. I wrote a few letters and found out he'd died in 1998 of drugs. So sad, Suck a great looking guy back in the day. Just Say No to drugs, guys. It's simple.

Wow, Jeff, so very sorry to hear this... I was wondering if it was going to have good ending as I read along. Pretty horrible.

Glad you have a special place for him in your heart and that you took the time to find out what happened. I'd probably want to hear how it all was delt with and maybe where he is even buried. It has special meaning for you, work through it.
I'm sure he would be touched to know after all these years, you haven't and will never forget him.

That is terrifying and tragic. I'm sorry dude.

I'm sorry to hear about the news. I would be rather disturbed by it, even if it explains why the guy disappeared without even saying goodbye.

As for the brother, try putting yourself in his shoes. Your brother got murdered under mysterious circumstances 38 years ago, and it probably hit your hard during that time. Suddenly, someone enquires about your brother, and claimed to know him during the period when he got murdered, but did not know about the murder. How would you react?

I'm not trying to justify his hostility, but it may not be something he wants to revisit. Imagine if he was the one who had to identify the body, etc...

I think Doug pinpointed it... even though you didn't love him in the romantic sense, this man left a pretty substantial impression upon your life, and holds a special place for you, as is evident from your words above.

I'm so sorry, JP. Unsettling news to say the least. Big long distance hug to you.