FORUMS > All Things Gay Forum Rules

CrankyMcBadass saidI don't really understand what I'm feeling. I didn't love the guy. The sex was good but he probably had Asperger's or something. Often very inappropriate and even just plain kind of weird, but endearing and definitely great in bed.

I wonder if you lived the last 38 years looking for some level of closure to this situation. His vacant apartment, no return messages, and outright disappearance may have left a certain void and that void remained for 38 years. Though you may not have "loved" him, per se, he still was a very influential part of your life and you knew a very intimate part of each other.

Maybe one way to look at this is that you've finally achieved closure. Finding out the information you discovered did not occur by accident.

Ok read everything.
If I were you, I'd be angry that some evil prick ended your quasi-relationship. After the shock fades, you lost something you shouldn't have as well. You have every right to feel a mixture of feelings.

CrankyMcBadass saidThanks for the hugs. I still haven't sorted out what i feel. But i will at some point.

Wanna get outta the house and clear your mind for a few hours, and come to Stonewall Pride in WM on Sunday? We'll both give you a real hug, buy you a drink if you like.

Because of C's health I decided last week we wouldn't do a booth this year, instead got the Pride Center to cover for us on the SMART Ride with their own booth. So we're free to do what we want there, perhaps mostly indoors at the clubs if the predicted rains materialize. I'm sending you my cell, in case you don't still have it, give me a ring and we'll meet up. Bob

Art_Deco said

CrankyMcBadass saidThanks for the hugs. I still haven't sorted out what i feel. But i will at some point.

Wanna get outta the house and clear your mind for a few hours, and come to Stonewall Pride in WM on Sunday? We'll both give you a real hug, buy you a drink if you like.

Because of C's health I decided last week we wouldn't do a booth this year, instead got the Pride Center to cover for us on the SMART Ride with their own booth. So we're free to do what we want there, perhaps mostly indoors at the clubs if the predicted rains materialize. I'm sending you my cell, in case you don't still have it, give me a ring and we'll meet up. Bob

WTF WTF do you have to make everything somehow about the musings of your stupid life?

onaquest said[...]

May his memory be as a blessing.

It's sad and unfortunate that his brother reacted poorly to your inquiry. It obviously and understandably stirred up his memories, and how perhaps his family (mis)understood and treated gays then (even now).
Dispite his tone, I would still respond to him as both my way of closure, and, healthy civilized gay PR. I would somehow make it both concise and clear that this bright man had a meaningful place in life to the extent that neither he nor his name was forgotten.

Hugs.

all of you guys who are into hookups should be aware, this is the risk you take, you take a risk not only with std's but also with getting seriously hurt. I am glad I am not into this kinda shit. I rather get to know someone for months before I do anything and I never ever go to the guys place, that is just asking for trouble.

That's horrible. Maybe you cared more for him than you realized. You wouldn't feel this way if you didn't.

Sorry to hear of your loss, Jeff. I can well understand why you would be left all out of sorts. In my last year of HS I met a girl who was just amazing. I really, really liked her but we were never terribly close. A few years later I discovered she was murdered and was really rattled for days. My feelings surprised me but I eventually decided it was simply because I liked her very much and was saddened to think that someone who obviously had such a great future ahead of them needlessly died (road rage incident).

PS - I'm still pissed off that the person was aquitted of the murder. Overwhelming circumstantial proof but not enough. No eye witnesses to disprove the defence claim it was just "an accident".

Maybe finding out if the crime was solved would help bring closure?

Ariodante said

CrankyMcBadass said
Thirty eight years later and I have a horrible pit in my stomach, and I don't really know why.

Hell I have a pit in my stomach o_O That's horrible. And...kind of rings all too close to any gay man (and by any I mean every single one) who has ever gone out with another guy or had been going out with another guy who they thought was really into them and then one day disappears out of the blue without any communication whatsoever. While we all know they guy just flaked and didn't want to see us anymore, undoubtedly someone always jokingly makes the comment "maybe he got in a horrible accident and died".

To actually consider (and see proof of) this might have happened is really jarring.

first of all... sorry you are going through this

secondly, this is a good point, and part of the reason I think this story kind of hit me as I was reading. additionally, there is something incredibly eerie about the idea that you could literally stand outside the scene of the crime and still not know what happened. a lot of times in the internet age it is easy to pass off what you don't know as a matter of "distance" - this person is far away, so of course I wouldn't know what really happened - but this case did not have that factor, and is more disturbing as a result.....

lastly, it also makes gay relationships (fuck buddy or otherwise) seem that much more second-class, as though the connection that existed was not really important enough for anyone to provide closure. and that is really sad.

I did a Google search on a good friend from college a couple months ago to see what he was up to. I hadn't talked to him since I was like 23. At that time, we were great friends who talked on the phone a couple hours every night and ran around on the weekends. Then he met a guy and got very serious, and basically I never heard from him again.

I found out in my Google search that he died from a brain aneurism about two years ago. Even though we hadn't talked in like 20 years, I was totally stunned. It took a full week before I could clear my head and actually sleep at night. Even though we probably would have never talked again either way, the people you choose to be in your life for whatever reason (not just the family you're born into) can be important to your "story." Part of the shock was that someone who was so "alive" could possibly be dead. It also really brought home the fact we really are not here forever and any of us could be gone unexpectedly at any time.

To the OP, did I read correctly that you were a minor when you had sex with him?

graphicabc saidTo the OP, did I read correctly that you were a minor when you had sex with him?

The age of consent in Michigan is 16.

How tragic. How sad. x

After my Mother died at the end of August of last year, I figured I would try to find out what became of my Father who split when I was 13.
I thought, for sure, that SOB must still be kicking even though he would be in his 80's.

What I found is that he died in Delray Beach, FL in April, 1999. I don't know if there is some sort of military burial place there....

I wonder if I felt out of sorts that day at work back in 1999?

Yeah, Jeff. I understand how you are feeling.

How sad, sorry this happened to him - and your right to feel so out of kilter. Even if you were "just fb's" there had to be some connection if only on a sexual animal level. For him to just dissapear must have smarted at least a bit, if not a lot. Then to find this out all these years later.. that's hard.

I'm really sorry to hear that cranky, the whole situation is monstrous.

Whilst you may not have loved him you certainly cared for him and I suppose there's really been no closure on this whole situation after so long.

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Its always hard to lose people who played apart in your life.
Now, about why your feeling down. I think people can mourn the loss of anyone who was apart of their past, no matter how big of an impact they had. I work with the needy on a regular basis and have done so for 15+ years. I remember many of the thousands of clients that have sought my help over the years. Sometimes I would even think of them as my kids, even though they were much older than me. I often times think about them from time to time and wonder what happened to them. There are a few however that I know have died and I still feel sad when I think about them. I have a list of all of them and whenever any of them comes into my mind it seems as though I mourn them the way I mourn people I knew much better in my personal life. In my case I think the loss of the person is only part of it. It might sound selfish to say, but I am also mourning apart of my past. It reminds me that life is precious and life is short. Most importantly I think it reminds me that they will never impact my life again, the way they did in the past. All of the memories I have of them are all I will ever have. I have thousands of clients and while many have stopped coming to see me, and thus not playing active roles in my life, the possiblity for them to return is still there. So for you, it is probably hard for your memories of what was probably a rather exciting time of your life to be tainted with the saddness of your friend's death. I'm only guessing though. Sorry for you loss.

I'm learning to hate googling past acquaintances. I get upset when I find old neighbors in their eighties died, and I was recently disconcerted for days after stumbling upon a three year old obituary of a colleague I knew 15 years before who died within a few years of her husband, the love of her life with whom she was only able to spend about a decade. They'd dated in high school, hadn't seen each other again until their 30th high school reunion when she picked him up from the airport in a limo with a dozen roses after learning that she was the only reason he was coming he flat out proposed - it was shortly after this that I got to know them. He was a chef, she the managing director of an investment bank. Shortly after meeting them she expanded her Gramercy Park Apartment, bought a house in the Hamptons and fell out of touch. They were both dead by their early sixties. More years and luck than many get, including your friend, but still upsetting and I can't help but mourn the waste, so I can't even imagine how badly you feel. It's perfectly normal.

I did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

CrankyMcBadass saidI did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

That's crazy, JP. Sounds Tim's brother isn't a very nice person and still harbors resentment.

That's horrible. I can't believe it, what a prick!

I'm very sorry Jeff, I would do your best to put that part of it behind you as quickly as possible... don't dwell on that part of it, you have enough to process without
a religious bigot added to the mix.

CrankyMcBadass saidI did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

*shudders*

CrankyMcBadass saidI did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

Remember that vice is its own punishment. Those people are already dealing with the consequences of their hang-ups and narrow mindedness.
Let go and be good with yourself.

CrankyMcBadass saidI did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

Please tell me that dickhead made you feel no emotion other than anger. And that the anger only lasted momentarily. I'm going to church in a little while. I'll pray for God to do some smiting. I let other people pray for forgiveness and imparting wisdom and understanding and compassion. That's so new testament. I'm all about old testament and vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord and making sure the evil get their smotedown. The brother sounds like an evil ass to even respond to you with anything but a sincere thank you for your condolences.

Coach_Mike said

CrankyMcBadass saidI did email the brother yesterday and got a response this morning.

"I would like you to leave us alone. Tim made his choice to spit at God but God will not be mocked. Please do not contact me again."

Wow.

Please tell me that dickhead made you feel no emotion other than anger. And that the anger only lasted momentarily. I'm going to church in a little while. I'll pray for God to do some smiting. I let other people pray for forgiveness and imparting wisdom and understanding and compassion. That's so new testament. I'm all about old testament and vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord and making sure the evil get their smotedown. The brother sounds like an evil ass to even respond to you with anything but a sincere thank you for your condolences.

Thanks, Mike.
Actually, the brother's response doesn't even fucking annoy me, because I don't give a rat's ass about him. I'm sorry Tim had that kind of family. Obviously I never knew any of them. It makes me sad to think that this is what they thought of him.