Immediate Chemistry vs. Slow Build

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    Jun 23, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    Hey guys...wanted to get some solid RJ advice! On recent dates I've been on, I think I focus a lot on the 'immediate chemistry' i have with the guy vs. taking the time to get to know them and see if attraction builds over time. My question is, should I be doing that? Or is it the wrong tactic?

    Would love to hear from some of you and get your opinion!

    Brad icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 23, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    Take your time to get to know them.

    Let me put it like this, as a guy I find that I can look at a guy and say "damn he is hot, I want to bang." This is lust, and that immediate chemistry you are talking about. It is usually extremely superficial.

    When I actually get to know someone and enjoy their personality, I find that I grow more and more attracted to them over time. This is me actually liking the person. While I do prefer guys who are somewhat fit, they dont need to be a greek god for me to enjoy getting to know them, and when I like them on the inside they physically become more attractive to me.

    So...get to know some nice guys and see what happens.
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    Jun 23, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Chainers saidTake your time to get to know them.

    Let me put it like this, as a guy I find that I can look at a guy and say "damn he is hot, I want to bang." This is lust, and that immediate chemistry you are talking about. It is usually extremely superficial.

    When I actually get to know someone and enjoy their personality, I find that I grow more and more attracted to them over time. This is me actually liking the person. While I do prefer guys who are somewhat fit, they dont need to be a greek god for me to enjoy getting to know them, and when I like them on the inside they physically become more attractive to me.

    So...get to know some nice guys and see what happens.


    yah, that's what i'm hoping for! just need more patience icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 23, 2012 3:24 PM GMT
    ^^dont force it. If you enjoy someone's company see what happens. You would be surprised, but dont try to force yourself to like someone you dont.

    Just dont file people away immediately when you meet them, it takes time to get to know someone.
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    Jun 25, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    But to get to know them more you really have to dig in and experience special and unique moments with each other

    I feel like meeting around for coffee isnt going to help at all
  • ac416

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    Jun 25, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Lust and chemistry are different. If I have chemistry with someone it doesn't go away like lust and once uve had that instant connection it's hard to date when you know it ain't going to come if its not there immediately, thats my experience anyways which makes dating hard , but on the plus side u know your holding out for something more special and not settling .
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    Jun 25, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Take your time. Chemistry is very important, and you either have it or you don't. But chemistry can be blocked by things like nervousness and uncertainty. It can take some time for both of you to relax enough to really connect. Don't expect an instant spark with every guy. That only happens in the movies.
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    Jun 25, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    I think that there has to be some attraction right off the bat for you to go out with the guy. Then, when you know more about him, if you like him, maybe slowly the chemistry will develop. I kind of don't believe in instant chemistry, that would be more like *I'm in lust, horny and wanna bang you right now kind of chemistry". icon_lol.gif Take some time and get to know him, I mean, it doesn't really hurt to know a potential partner/bf right? If you find out things about him that you don't like, you can always run in the future. icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    Simple Answer: You need both. You need immediate chemistry. Doesn't necessarily have to be fireworks, but you have to want to kiss the hell out of him by the end of the date. But there needs to be more. The slow burn that comes from discovering this person, and finding the things that make him laugh or cry. When the relationship gets boring, you're fucked.
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    This is the way I've been approaching it...
    I don't want to rush into anything. I'm leery of anything that'll tempt me too much and get me out of my right mind. So having a slowly building relationship feels right. Obviously, if there wasn't any initial chemistry at all, it wouldn't make much sense to continue dating, but I don't really want to be swept off my feet, not immediately. I want to remain standing as I get to know someone.
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:25 AM GMT
    I recently meet this guy and I have the exact same problem. He is extremely nice, but I'm not attracted to him physically. I told myself that true attraction takes time. So, I ended up meeting him for a 2nd time and spend couple of hours walking around the city. I think he has some potential, but I don't want to lead him on. What if I'm never attracted to him? Would it be unreasonable to go on a 3rd date with him (or should I've known by the 2nd date if I'll ever be attracted to him)?
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    Initial chemistry to start out. Without which it is kinda hard to keep going if both of you don't feel any spark.

    First impressions make a lasting impression.
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    It can happen either way. My last boyfriend the spark was instantaneous... we basically went to lunch, went back to his house and had sex, and were together a long time. The guy I'm currently dating I didn't expect anything from it but a good friend... and the heat built gradually and snuck up on me.

    It can happen in any time frame. I don't think a "focus" really helps find the right guy in that respect icon_smile.gif.
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:47 AM GMT
    sweetyork saidI recently meet this guy and I have the exact same problem. He is extremely nice, but I'm not attracted to him physically. I told myself that true attraction takes time. So, I ended up meeting him for a 2nd time and spend couple of hours walking around the city. I think he has some potential, but I don't want to lead him on. What if I'm never attracted to him? Would it be unreasonable to go on a 3rd date with him (or should I've known by the 2nd date if I'll ever be attracted to him)?


    Hmm, I had this ^^ happened to me twice before. Two of the guys I didn't really feel ended up being really good gay friends of mine. I went out/hung out with them about 2-3 dates and it didn't revolve into anything else. We just left it at that. One of them has a serious bf now. I think you already know the answer to your question hun! icon_cool.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 25, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    Larkin saidIt can happen either way. My last boyfriend the spark was instantaneous... we basically went to lunch, went back to his house and had sex, and were together a long time. The guy I'm currently dating I didn't expect anything from it but a good friend... and the heat built gradually and snuck up on me.

    It can happen in any time frame. I don't think a "focus" really helps find the right guy in that respect icon_smile.gif.



    This.
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    Jun 25, 2012 8:18 AM GMT
    You're overthinking things.
    Either you like the guy and go on another date, don't like the guy and don't date him again, hop into bed with him and then go on another date, or hop into bed with him and don't date him any more.
    After your date ask yourself if you'd want to go out with this guy again.

    Sometimes sparks are great, sometimes sparks mean you two want to kill each other.
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    Jun 25, 2012 8:20 AM GMT
    Chainers said^^dont force it. If you enjoy someone's company see what happens. You would be surprised, but dont try to force yourself to like someone you dont.

    Just dont file people away immediately when you meet them, it takes time to get to know someone.


    Y SO SRS?

    Y U NO MAKE FUNNY POST?
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    Jun 25, 2012 8:26 AM GMT
    I believe you can't control the flow of chemistry. Either it happens or doesn't; either quickly or not. I prefer to take things slow, even if there is an initial spark of chemistry, I prefer to slow down the flow and see if a good relationship could be made better by trying to get to know each other's good, bad, and ugly first. I find showing people my bad and ugly helps me weed out the weaker minded and passive assholes before I go through a whole song and dance courtship to find out. I like to show people a lil tidbit of what I could be like at my worst; though I'm in full control. Its rare a guy has the balls or heart to bear with me. With my personality and illness, that is what I need. Courage, and love.
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    Jun 25, 2012 8:59 AM GMT
    To OP: Immediate chemistry attraction is usually all about looks, some cases also scent/sex pheromones(controversal). We are men and most of us want someone who looks good, or one we are are drawn to visually, representing of someone sexually gratifying. But I would not focus soley on that when falling for someone, because it should also be about who they are as a person.What is inside? What is their character and shared values? Tuck the second head away in the pants and let the bigger head do the thinking.
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    Jun 25, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    Emesis54 saidThis is the way I've been approaching it...
    I don't want to rush into anything. I'm leery of anything that'll tempt me too much and get me out of my right mind. So having a slowly building relationship feels right. Obviously, if there wasn't any initial chemistry at all, it wouldn't make much sense to continue dating, but I don't really want to be swept off my feet, not immediately. I want to remain standing as I get to know someone.


    huh, that's a good way to put it. I think i am the type who wants to be swept off my feet...but you're right...better to build the foundation first
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    Jun 25, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    Why do they have to be mutually exclusive? Wouldn't it be better to meet someone there's a spark with and enjoy that as you get to know them?
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    Jun 25, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    go_vols said
    Emesis54 saidThis is the way I've been approaching it...
    I don't want to rush into anything. I'm leery of anything that'll tempt me too much and get me out of my right mind. So having a slowly building relationship feels right. Obviously, if there wasn't any initial chemistry at all, it wouldn't make much sense to continue dating, but I don't really want to be swept off my feet, not immediately. I want to remain standing as I get to know someone.


    huh, that's a good way to put it. I think i am the type who wants to be swept off my feet...but you're right...better to build the foundation first


    Being swept off my feet is fun, but I guess I want to stay independent to a certain degree, as well as be able to focus on my own personal goals in life... I don't want someone to completely take that away from me. If the other guy and I can both do that and come together and enjoy our time together, then, awesome.