How much fighting is too much?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2012 10:09 PM GMT
    So I'm in my first relationship ever with a guy, and we've been fighting a lot recently. Most of it is my fault and I've said some really degrading things that I wish I could take back and make up for.

    I don't know why I can't control myself when we fight and I wish I wouldn't lash out or think/say the things that I do, cause I'm usually a super friendly and encouraging person.

    So how much fighting is too much or above the norm? Any thoughts on anything related to this are appreciated. Thanks
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:03 AM GMT
    Fist fight? One is too much.

    Verbal fight? Get used to it. People disagree sometimes...even those you love.
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    One?? That would just never work.


    paulflexes saidFist fight? One is too much.

    Verbal fight? Get used to it. People disagree sometimes...even those you love.
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    Nah, none of it is physical...just always verbal. I guess I was just shocked at how ugly we can be as humans and I don't like it haha
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    Verbal arguments (including constructive criticism) have the important potential of getting people to think, and rethink their ideas and ways. It's a never ending thing. ... until you die.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidOne?? That would just never work.


    paulflexes saidFist fight? One is too much.

    Verbal fight? Get used to it. People disagree sometimes...even those you love.
    Depends on what kind of "fist" fight.
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    Jun 24, 2012 10:59 AM GMT
    I'm sure a lot of people will disagree but maybe your verbal sparring needs to turn into physical sparring. I'm not talking about knock down drag out fights that end with the neighbors calling 911 and I'm not talking about if the arguments are over deep seated issues that really need to be worked out. But if a lot of the fighting comes from frustration or pent up irritation or little things like not putting the cap on the toothpaste then sign yourselves up for some boxing or kickboxing lessons. There's something about controlled combat that's calming and bonding. It also has a finality about it like "OK, this is over now". My brothers and I could argue all day long and wake up and argue some more but if we went a few rounds that was it and we were back to being friends again. Whatever we were arguing about was pretty much forgotten (or finalized....I still say LA is the capital of California because I lost that fight).
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    Jun 24, 2012 11:08 AM GMT
    I think you should figure out the causes of your anger. Do you get angry the same way at others you're not close to? If so, maybe anger management is something you need to look into. If not, are there small things that annoy you that you hold in until you finally explode? In that case, maybe you need to communicate more often. Could also be just incompatibility between you both. Whatever, the first step is really trying to understand what is causing your anger.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jun 24, 2012 11:09 AM GMT
    MuchoMasQueMusculo saidIf you're at a point where you question yourself as a decent human being then maybe you two don't have enough in common to get along with each other. I can't say for certain but perhaps the lack of commonality is bringing out the worst in you.


    I think MuchoMas has a point. Verbal fighting on occasion is a natural part of relationships, but if it's constant and cuts deeply enough for you to question your decency, there's probably something else at work here beyond garden-variety disagreements.

    You might want to see a therapist to help you understand why you feel this way and maybe figure out why your disagreements trigger such responses from you.
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:44 PM GMT
    I was talking to a family friend once and they were telling me how they've come up with things to make sure disagreements don't wedge their relationship.

    their golden rule is that they never sleep on an argument, even if by the end they have to agree to disagree just so that they don't wake up the next feeling more bitter about it.

    they tell each other they love each other and exchange a peck and a hug.
    i know it might sound a little robotic or routined but i think that it can really make a huge difference if you put the focus back on the love for each other and not the disagreement.

    sorry if that came across non-masculine or something but i love that idea and will try my best to emulate something similar.
    hopefully this may be something that could help you too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:52 PM GMT
    It's universally accepted that in a relationship: you're going to fight

    But when it gets to the point where you are fighting too often (i.e. more than once a week) it can turn everything ugly

    It's your first relationship, which most don't always work out (for the record) icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:56 PM GMT
    Coach_Mike saidI'm sure a lot of people will disagree but maybe your verbal sparring needs to turn into physical sparring. I'm not talking about knock down drag out fights that end with the neighbors calling 911 and I'm not talking about if the arguments are over deep seated issues that really need to be worked out. But if a lot of the fighting comes from frustration or pent up irritation or little things like not putting the cap on the toothpaste then sign yourselves up for some boxing or kickboxing lessons. There's something about controlled combat that's calming and bonding. It also has a finality about it like "OK, this is over now". My brothers and I could argue all day long and wake up and argue some more but if we went a few rounds that was it and we were back to being friends again. Whatever we were arguing about was pretty much forgotten (or finalized....I still say LA is the capital of California because I lost that fight).
    Controlled combat? Don't you mean rough sex?
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:09 PM GMT
    Some people have a mental sickness where they feed off of negtivity and get gratification from the reaction and control of another person. Anger just fuels it. Hopefully this isn't the case with the OP. If the relationship is full of weekly verbal disagreements and verbal abuse, then maybe its time to address the problem by talking it out together first. If one cannot control their anger and its a problem...then one should seek professional help. Also realize and note that certain people in life that we meet may know how to push our buttons. So avoid those types of guys who would push your anger button.
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:09 PM GMT
    sexybabenash saidNah, none of it is physical...just always verbal. I guess I was just shocked at how ugly we can be as humans and I don't like it haha


    This is a step in the right direction I think, and speaks of self awareness. Now take it a step further and act on it. Examine your words before you utter them. Your love for your man is an excellent filter for this. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 24, 2012 1:13 PM GMT
    You can express yourself in a disagreement, however heated, wihout saying a bunch of defaming, derogatory comments. My partner and I have had only a handful of serious fights over the 13+ years we have been involved.....and none
    have we ever called "names" or threw in a bunch of trash talk. I don't like
    negative drama in my life like this, if I were involved with someone who did,
    it probably wouldn't last very long.

    I'd think carefully.... when you argue. Whats the point and what are you trying to achieve? Too often times, it becames a chance to trash the other instead of working through an issue that you might have with somebody you love.
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    Children lash out.
    Children fight.
    Adults calmly communicate their feelings while listening to the feelings of their partner.

    Those of you who say fighting is "normal" daily behavior obviously didn't have a very good upbringing. Yes, an occasional argument is normal, and probably even healthy, but this "lashing out" that the OP says he's doing is dysfunctional and destructive. OP: I think you need to see a therapist to determine why you're doing this and more importantly, learn some tools to extinguish your rage before it flames into hurtful words. If you're not going to do this, then go ahead and end the relationship because there's no way in hell it will last. Not only will it not last, but you will both end up leaving with more rage and an even lower self esteem as a result of the abuse.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jun 24, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    sexybabenash saidSo I'm in my first relationship ever with a guy, and we've been fighting a lot recently. Most of it is my fault and I've said some really degrading things that I wish I could take back and make up for.


    If you really care for the guy, and the reasons for the arguments (as you claim) are your fault, why would you resort to saying degrading things to him? More importantly, how long do you think he's going to put up with that? Sometimes we don't know what we've got until it's gone. Bite your tongue.
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    I agree physical violence is not the answer, that is the result of frustration and not getting your way. Violence is not a healthy relationship. With physical violence the stronger/best trained of the two will win most of the time and it solves nothing.

    If you are arguing more than a couple times a week, it is time to look at the relationship to see if the positive aspects still outweigh the negative ones. When things get heated, walk away and come back with a clear mind. That is what distinguishes humans from the rest of the world.

    On another note, how much drinking is going on? If the purpose is to get drunk every time there is alcohol, there is another problem. Alcohol gives us an excuse the next day for our behavior the previous day, not a justified one though. If getting "mean" is common outcome, then treatment of some kind is warranted.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:01 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan saidI agree physical violence is not the answer


    Blackhawks fan.....physical violence is not the answer
    Physical violence is not the answer....Blackhawks fan

    Something just isn't right here. I hear an occasional hockey match breaks out at a Blackhawks fight.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidIf you really care for the guy, and the reasons for the arguments (as you claim) are your fault, why would you resort to saying degrading things to him? More importantly, how long do you think he's going to put up with that? Sometimes we don't know what we've got until it's gone. Bite your tongue.


    HndsmKansan saidYou can express yourself in a disagreement, however heated, wihout saying a bunch of defaming, derogatory comments. My partner and I have had only a handful of serious fights over the 13+ years we have been involved.....and none
    have we ever called "names" or threw in a bunch of trash talk. I don't like
    negative drama in my life like this, if I were involved with someone who did,
    it probably wouldn't last very long.

    I'd think carefully.... when you argue. Whats the point and what are you trying to achieve? Too often times, it becames a chance to trash the other instead of working through an issue that you might have with somebody you love.


    +1
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Coach_Mike saidI'm sure a lot of people will disagree but maybe your verbal sparring needs to turn into physical sparring. I'm not talking about knock down drag out fights that end with the neighbors calling 911 and I'm not talking about if the arguments are over deep seated issues that really need to be worked out. But if a lot of the fighting comes from frustration or pent up irritation or little things like not putting the cap on the toothpaste then sign yourselves up for some boxing or kickboxing lessons. There's something about controlled combat that's calming and bonding. It also has a finality about it like "OK, this is over now". My brothers and I could argue all day long and wake up and argue some more but if we went a few rounds that was it and we were back to being friends again. Whatever we were arguing about was pretty much forgotten (or finalized....I still say LA is the capital of California because I lost that fight).


    Yeah, when I took Jiu Jitsu and boxing, it was like I had popped a Xanax on the way home. I get the same effect from lifting heavy or doing sprints or some other intense cardio.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Jun 24, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    Maybe you should both check out a short workshop in nonviolent communication. You would pick up insight into your own and your partner's ways of communicating and learn some better skills for resolving things. It could help you in your relationship with your boyfriend and with others too.

    http://www.cnvc.org/

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    Jun 24, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    Coach_Mike said
    blackhawksfan saidI agree physical violence is not the answer


    Blackhawks fan.....physical violence is not the answer
    Physical violence is not the answer....Blackhawks fan

    Something just isn't right here. I hear an occasional hockey match breaks out at a Blackhawks fight.


    LOL and yes they do, doesn't make them right. And every time it happens I berate the players and fans that encourage it.

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    Jun 24, 2012 10:11 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan said
    Coach_Mike said
    blackhawksfan saidI agree physical violence is not the answer


    Blackhawks fan.....physical violence is not the answer
    Physical violence is not the answer....Blackhawks fan

    Something just isn't right here. I hear an occasional hockey match breaks out at a Blackhawks fight.


    LOL and yes they do, doesn't make them right. And every time it happens I berate the players and fans that encourage it.



    Did you see the clip of the mom who went out on the ice carrying her purse to yell at the officials for not stopping a fight at a youth league game? That was pretty cool. But her son must have been humiliated.
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    Jun 24, 2012 10:38 PM GMT
    Slapping is okay. Punching is okay. Kicking is okay. Now hair pulling is too much fighting.