Well at lest i'm not a fag

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    Jun 24, 2012 1:17 AM GMT
    SO my step dad has been in my life since I was 7 and he pretty much took over as my 'father' but the thing is my parents marriage was view from the church they attended and met at as a way to 'man' me up and put a father in my life to fix the feminine happy (I guess too happy) boy that I was. Obviously this story ends with tons of son and father fights between us during my adolescence years. Now that my parents are split me and my dad have been able to have many civil conversations, mostly because I have not come out to him. Hes mentioned before that he cannot wait until I get my first girlfriend and my first 'piece'. Today he even said in the middle of a deep conversation that he wants me to be myself and even if a woman wanted sex from me just stay true to myself and resist and wait for the right one, but that doesn't make me a fag.

    LIKE WTF, I know he knows, I mean everyone knows. Even at my graduation party I had hella fine ass girls at my house as my FRIENDS. We have even had major fights with me because something going on was not as manly to him and just other remarks. That shit hurts because at the end of the day I am supposed to call this man father. I don't give a fuck I am gonna come out to him and IDC how violent or heartbroken he gets he took life from me that I will never get back because of him and the other gender requirements that come in our environment! icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Kick his ass.
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    Jun 24, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Hmm I guess its true that gay men have issues with their dad. You, msuTX and also Edward23 all have issues with their dad its sad. I do love my dad because he is a very nice man.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:31 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]dontknowwhy said[/

    You, msuTX and also Edward23 all have issues with their dad its sad. I do love my dad because he is a very nice man.[/quote]

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:38 AM GMT
    It's sad you find this funny..
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Ok, I'm like really old, so I may have lost the ability to put myself in the shoes of teens.

    But is there a reason why you can just let him have his feelings and not react so strongly to them?

    Like if he is saying something isnt manly enough, is it possible to just say "ok, dad" and just let it go at that. Is it necessary to convince one another.

    He can feel his way and you feel your way and you just let him have his say but you not react confrontationally.

    Is that an option?


    I guess that's why advertisers dont advertise to us oldsters. We dont give a shit and wont buy just cuz someone else says something.
  • Machina

    Posts: 419

    Jun 24, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    I think the reason that many men (gay or straight) have problems with their fathers, is because their fathers pin many of their hopes, their dreams, and their aspirations on their sons which they feel they cannot level to their daughters.

    In the case of gay men specifically, I am of the opinion that, in light of the aforementioned, a son being gay may assault the father on a very deep level.

    I am not condoning the actions of these fathers which choose to alienate their children. No, I am simply putting forward a viewpoint which may help others to better understand why things happen as they do.
  • ScottyM

    Posts: 17

    Jun 24, 2012 2:43 AM GMT
    You have to realize that your dad's decision to accept or reject you because you're gay is 100% HIS decision. You are not responsible for how he decides to react to that information.
  • hahahehehoho

    Posts: 24

    Jun 24, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    Ummm... JUST MY OPINION. Please do not feel like this is fact or anything. I know that you have some problems with your dad but I don't think it's a great idea to not care. Maybe it's because we are young and we really just want things to go the way we want. I do think it is a good idea to come out to him but I don't think it would be best to drop it like a bomb, figuratively speaking. Ease it, try to help him understand. The gay community has to admit... Having a gay child isn't the most popular thing, right? It isn't wrong to have a gay child but it's not popular. Like parents don't go out and say in a typical conversation, oh my child is gay and talk about it.
    Also, your dad is going to be around for a while. He will still love you, you are his child. And when he gets older, there may be a slight chance that you regret not having a better relationship with your father. This may all sound like bs to you, but I really do think having a good relationship with your father will benefit you and him later. It will be tough but then again, being gay is tough. So if you need help or need someone to vent to, my mailbox is always open lol. Best of luck and stay proud icon_smile.gif.
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    CrankyMcBadass said
    dontknowwhy saidHmm I guess its true that gay men have issues with their dad. You, msuTX and also Edward23 all have issues with their dad its sad. I do love my dad because he is a very nice man.

    if you're so bloody well-adjusted, why do you act like a dick so much of the time?


    I am not well adjusted and am on a lot of meds actually
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    Jun 24, 2012 2:57 AM GMT
    Shitty situation. Come out. It's the only way to start making it better.
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    Jun 24, 2012 3:10 AM GMT
    blatalian93 saidSO my step dad has been in my life since I was 7 and he pretty much took over as my 'father' but the thing is my parents marriage was view from the church they attended and met at as a way to 'man' me up and put a father in my life to fix the feminine happy (I guess too happy) boy that I was. Obviously this story ends with tons of son and father fights between us during my adolescence years. Now that my parents are split me and my dad have been able to have many civil conversations, mostly because I have not come out to him. Hes mentioned before that he cannot wait until I get my first girlfriend and my first 'piece'. Today he even said in the middle of a deep conversation that he wants me to be myself and even if a woman wanted sex from me just stay true to myself and resist and wait for the right one, but that doesn't make me a fag.

    LIKE WTF, I know he knows, I mean everyone knows. Even at my graduation party I had hella fine ass girls at my house as my FRIENDS. We have even had major fights with me because something going on was not as manly to him and just other remarks. That shit hurts because at the end of the day I am supposed to call this man father. I don't give a fuck I am gonna come out to him and IDC how violent or heartbroken he gets he took life from me that I will never get back because of him and the other gender requirements that come in our environment! icon_rolleyes.gif


    What a jerk. I really wish ignorance and hate would just stop already. I seriously don't get why people give a shit about what two adults do involving their personal life.It is so sad we live in such a close minded world.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2012 3:15 AM GMT
    OP, it really distresses me that you believe he could be violent upon hearing you're gay. I would make sure you manage that risk by doing so in a space where he can't harm you.

    I hope things improve for you soon.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Jun 24, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    My father was ten times more liberal and accepting of my sexuality, but he was never emotionally available like my more conservative mother has always being towards me!! according to my mother my father always knew I will turn out gay, and he didn't have an issue with that! my mother on the other hand was ten times more emotionally available to me then he was! the funny thing is that without the presence and influence in her more strict moral upbringing and conservative views, today I probably wouldn't have an ounce of morals and self respect in myself.

    While my father's liberal views was a great sigh of relief in the acceptance department and the transition in coming to terms with my sexuality; it was my mother's unconditional love and emotional coaching that made me the well adjusted man I am today. I guess what I am trying to say is that having a balance of anything in one's life is the key to a more well adjusted and happy person!! .
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    Jun 24, 2012 5:18 AM GMT
    My Dad and I don't see eye-to-eye on 98% of the things that involve my life, and being gay is one of them...but I don't argue about it with him. I told him one day that if he has a problem with it to get the hell over it. I won't bring it up if he doesn't make stupid snide comments about things. So...we just don't talk about it. It bothers me now and then that I can't talk to him about certain things, but then again, he doesn't want to know so why would I.
  • danielvn

    Posts: 222

    Jun 24, 2012 11:25 AM GMT
    nah, If I were you, I would just ignore him. But that doesnt mean disrespect. But whenever he starts talking about your sexuality and gf's and stuff, just listen then forget about it. That way, life will be a lot easier icon_smile.gif Having religious parents can be a pain in the butt sometimes. but you'll be fine icon_smile.gif dont stress over it too much.
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    Jun 24, 2012 11:37 AM GMT
    Machina saidI think the reason that many men (gay or straight) have problems with their fathers, is because their fathers pin many of their hopes, their dreams, and their aspirations on their sons which they feel they cannot level to their daughters.

    In the case of gay men specifically, I am of the opinion that, in light of the aforementioned, a son being gay may assault the father on a very deep level.

    I am not condoning the actions of these fathers which choose to alienate their children. No, I am simply putting forward a viewpoint which may help others to better understand why things happen as they do.


    I think your diagnosis has some merit. The view of breeding as part of the definition of being a "successful" man is another. And here's the solution: point out how arrogant, selfish and limiting these views of fatherhood are.
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    Jun 24, 2012 12:06 PM GMT
    When my dad realized I didn't give a shit what he thought, he got over himself.

    Not saying that will work with your situation, because the urge to have parents/family understand you can be a strong one and not everyone has the chutzpah to let go of that hope. However, you will never be happy if you allow the approval/acceptance of others to be the determiner of your happiness.

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    Jun 24, 2012 12:36 PM GMT
    i dont know why reading your story pissed me off , im pissed im mad right now probably because i went through same experience (kinda) .

    get rid of him , move out.......!! why u keeping such shitty person in your life , wow i will never!ever! stand seeing such a STUPID judging guy every day ,dont come out and face the drama that comes with it ,simply get rid of him ...
  • buymeasoda

    Posts: 93

    Jun 24, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    barbieee said

    get rid of him , move out.......!! why u keeping such shitty person in your life , wow i will never!ever! stand seeing such a STUPID judging guy every day ,dont come out and face the drama that comes with it ,simply get rid of him ...


    Its hard to see this as an option sometimes but truly he is just another person and he is entitled to feel how he feels...

    I don;t think it is right to force change upon people because your opinion is right to you, that makes us no better then all the anti gay assholes.

    in the end he will feel how he feels and he owns how big of an asshole he wants to be.

    Be proud of who you are and concentrate on your future. Those are things you can control.

    I do agree that if that is the road he takes distance yourself from him. It will take time but you will find peace in understanding that he is allowed to feel like being gay is wrong. He can;t hurt you if you see his ignorance and rise above it.
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    Jun 24, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    ScottyM saidYou have to realize that your dad's decision to accept or reject you because you're gay is 100% HIS decision. You are not responsible for how he decides to react to that information.
    Truth
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    Jun 24, 2012 4:02 PM GMT


    I think it is time you had the talk with him. As one who never took the chance, I wish I had.

    First, you need to remove your anger from the conversation, try and remember that in his mind he did his best with you, often when kids don't do as their parents wish they would do, they view it as a failure rather than in this case your biology, how you were made. Your anger can only feed the irrational side of this.

    You might even consider writing him a letter first. Detail the point in time when you knew you were gay. That you understand what it was he was trying to do, but that he can no sooner make you straight than you can make him gay. Letters can be an excellent tool to put your words together in a rational way - without the emotionally charged to skew what you are trying to say. You can aways follow it up with a meeting afterward.

    By the sound of your post, you care about him - or at least have the desire to try and salvage this relationship. Often parents view this as a choice your making that they don't condone, he needs to know that no amount of "manning up" would have changed the outcome, you are who you are.

    You know this is just one of many rubs between Fathers and Sons. I went to great lengths to put my boys through the best schools, to broaden their horizons, open their minds to what the possibilities were. Imagine my personal horror when the three of them decided to start a construction company. I had intended them to go on to college, achieve higher goals. The ferocity of that conversation was no less emotional or spiritual.

    I had dreams for them, dreams that would never come true given the choice they were making. It was a mind blowing thing for me, the idea they would waste all the effort put in to grooming them for what in my opinion was going to be a better life. Not that construction is not a respectable trade. I saw a Mechanical Engineer, an Attorney and a Sports physiatrist. Poof.

    They have gone on to be very successful, obviously I accepted it, and supported them in the end, although I still ride them about returning to school. I worry, because it is what parents do.

    The magnitude of what your going to tell him will have far further consequences in his eyes. The Grand kids he may never have, the visions of "normal" all gone. He is going to worry that you'll be judged, mostly because he has likely judged all his life. He'll worry that you'll get hurt. All natural responses.

    What you need to allow for him, is the time for him to adjust to this new picture. The time to set his dreams aside and deal with what is. I can't tell you he will ever get there. Sadly some never do. I believe with all my heart that given time, my Father would have accepted me as I am. I felt it the minute I knew he was gone. I didn't get that moment face to face because I was afraid, and I didn't trust him. I was wrong.

    I understand your anger and frustration, and I hope you find a way to make this work.



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    Jun 24, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    NoNoNoYes said

    I think it is time you had the talk with him. As one who never took the chance, I wish I had.

    First, you need to remove your anger from the conversation, try and remember that in his mind he did his best with you, often when kids don't do as their parents wish they would do, they view it as a failure rather than in this case your biology, how you were made. Your anger can only feed the irrational side of this.

    You might even consider writing him a letter first. Detail the point in time when you knew you were gay. That you understand what it was he was trying to do, but that he can no sooner make you straight than you can make him gay. Letters can be an excellent tool to put your words together in a rational way - without the emotionally charged to skew what you are trying to say. You can aways follow it up with a meeting afterward.

    By the sound of your post, you care about him - or at least have the desire to try and salvage this relationship. Often parents view this as a choice your making that they don't condone, he needs to know that no amount of "manning up" would have changed the outcome, you are who you are.

    You know this is just one of many rubs between Fathers and Sons. I went to great lengths to put my boys through the best schools, to broaden their horizons, open their minds to what the possibilities were. Imagine my personal horror when the three of them decided to start a construction company. I had intended them to go on to college, achieve higher goals. The ferocity of that conversation was no less emotional or spiritual.

    I had dreams for them, dreams that would never come true given the choice they were making. It was a mind blowing thing for me, the idea they would waste all the effort put in to grooming them for what in my opinion was going to be a better life. Not that construction is not a respectable trade. I saw a Mechanical Engineer, an Attorney and a Sports physiatrist. Poof.

    They have gone on to be very successful, obviously I accepted it, and supported them in the end, although I still ride them about returning to school. I worry, because it is what parents do.

    The magnitude of what your going to tell him will have far further consequences in his eyes. The Grand kids he may never have, the visions of "normal" all gone. He is going to worry that you'll be judged, mostly because he has likely judged all his life. He'll worry that you'll get hurt. All natural responses.

    What you need to allow for him, is the time for him to adjust to this new picture. The time to set his dreams aside and deal with what is. I can't tell you he will ever get there. Sadly some never do. I believe with all my heart that given time, my Father would have accepted me as I am. I felt it the minute I knew he was gone. I didn't get that moment face to face because I was afraid, and I didn't trust him. I was wrong.

    I understand your anger and frustration, and I hope you find a way to make this work.



    Awesome post!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    Yea I don't live with him anymore and that's why our relationship has gotten stronger but the thing is I still haven't come out to him and honestly there will be no way that he can fully understand me until i do. its not about sexuality its about me being me
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jun 24, 2012 6:46 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidKick his ass.


    I don't often agree with Paul, but this time I do. Who gives a flip if we're masculine enough for somebody or whatever they want us to be. We live our lives as WE see fit and not how society tells us or our parents tell us we're supposed to act. I say kick his ass and tell him that a gay man just beat the crap out of him.