I just realised, that my Parents knew...................

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 31, 2008 9:11 PM GMT
    ........I was gay, before they were told I was gay icon_eek.gif

    Some of you may know that I have anxiety problems, and OCD is part of it.

    Anyway, Many years ago, I was referred to a psychiatrist by my doctor. One of the worst experiences of my life, BTW.

    My parents were called into the psychiatrist's office first, and then it was my turn. There was at least three of them (long time ago, and I can't remember very well) I felt very intimidated. I felt like a lab rat.

    Anyway, one of the very first questions I was asked was "are you attracted to men?" I thought to myself "fuck.........am I that obvious?" It was like I was on trial. My answer was NO.

    Now why is it, that it was only yesterday, that I realised, it was my parents that told them that icon_question.gif

    I'm a little bit upset with all this.

    My first appointment with the psychiatrist..............they talk to my parents first............one of the first questions they ask me, is "are you attracted to men?".................and I don't cop on that my parents told them...............that my parents knew I was gay all them years ago..................and I was so scared of hurting them, if I told them, for so many years.

    Why did it take me this long to realise this?

    Why did my parents not ask me, or talk to me?

    Why did they not try to make my life easier?

    Right now I feel angry and upset.

    Mike
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:16 PM GMT
    I'm sure that if they knew, then they most likely thought that confronting you about your sexuality may have caused more problems than it solved. They probably had the philosophy that you would come out to them when you were ready.
  • reload16

    Posts: 267

    Jul 31, 2008 9:21 PM GMT
    your gay? icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:21 PM GMT
    I'm pretty sure the majority of parents know or suspect in some way, shape, or form, but are likely to continue suggesting "you like girls" until you speak up and say you don't.

    It's easier to live in denial rather than confront a kid being gay, even if they know the truth.
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    I read something years ago that really helped me. It said to think about how long it took me to realize and then to accept the fact that I was gay. It said people often need just as much time, especially one's parents. I was in denial for years and so were my parents. My mom said deep down she knew but had a hard time accepting it....plus all the literature back then blamed the mother (dominant) and the father (passive).
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:35 PM GMT
    I have a dominant mom and a passive dad too.

    I have no doubt they know. Since they've caught me drawing naked men before. I don't think they really believe their own halfhearted attempt at an excuse (it's just a phase). Both sides I guess are at an impasse at the moment on which will confront the other first LOL.

    I'm fine with that I guess. icon_razz.gif
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    I knew I was gay before I was 5 y.o. When I was in my teens, I asked my mom to send me to a psychologist and she, in essence, refused. At 18, I told her over the phone I was gay and she started to cry. I said that I was surprised she didn't already know (that I was different) and she said she thought it was a phase. icon_eek.gif

    Anyway, I hope with time you can forgive your parents. They probably didn't know anything more about raising children than anyone else. And if I had kids, I'd probably be making the same mistakes.

    This raises the bigger question about humans in general. Why do people expect so much wisdom, etc., from barely evolved monkeys?
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    Jul 31, 2008 9:42 PM GMT
    CarlosGringo said

    This raises the bigger question about humans in general. Why do people expect so much wisdom, etc., from barely evolved monkeys?


    LOL. I love you CarlosGringo!

    That right there, is wisdom, my friend. ^-^
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 31, 2008 10:12 PM GMT
    I don't know why I'm so annoyed about this. At that time I could not accept I was gay, myself, and I did think it was just a phase, I was going through. So why am I angry with my parents?

    Maybe because I need their help, and they knew, and did not help, or even try to help.

    BTW, I wasn't a kid at the time. Not sure exactly what age I was. Unless you call a 20 something a kid.

    Thanks for the replys.

    Mike
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    Jul 31, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    Wow, that's a lot to learn all at once, Mike. It's entirely possible that they 'knew' but they didn't know. Just as some of us can have an amazing ability to deny it for a long time, so can our parents. My parents are still in denial, to a degree. Besides, we're all ready to come out...well, when we're ready. Even if your parents knew it, maybe they didn't push the issue after that because you said 'no' and therefore weren't ready for that conversation yet. Parents do all sorts of crazy fucked up, wrong-headed things for all the right, well-intentioned reasons.

    A big pat on the back to you, Mike.
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    Jul 31, 2008 10:42 PM GMT
    MikePhil saidI don't know why I'm so annoyed about this. At that time I could not accept I was gay, myself, and I did think it was just a phase, I was going through. So why am I angry with my parents?

    Maybe because I need their help, and they knew, and did not help, or even try to help.

    BTW, I wasn't a kid at the time. Not sure exactly what age I was. Unless you call a 20 something a kid.

    Thanks for the replys.

    Mike


    Maybe your anger comes from the fact that subconsciously you feel all the therapy could have been avoided had they just looked at you and said they knew? Maybe you resent the fact the journey you had to take to get to that point of admitting you were gay without feeling shame could have been either avoided or shortened?

    Just remember, all of that is in the past. No matter how much you would vent over it to your parents it's not going to change it. Thank God you are where you are today. I guess the only thing you could request from your parents from here on out is to just be completely open with any issues or concerns they may have about you. Remind them it would save you all a lot of time and possibly money.

    I'll tell ya one thing Mike. Obviously your parents love you very much to even go into therapy with you back then. Thats says a lot. They may have had some avoidance issues but they were willing to try there best back then to break that wall down. Love them in return for the attempt. Don't harbor any anger.
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    Jul 31, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    Sedative said


    LOL. I love you CarlosGringo!

    That right there, is wisdom, my friend. ^-^


    Aw, shucks! icon_redface.gif I mean, Meow!!
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    Jul 31, 2008 10:46 PM GMT


    Do you think this kids parents know?
    P.s
    An 11yo singing Touch my body is no bueno.

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    Jul 31, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    mnjock2003 said

    Do you think this kids parents know?
    P.s
    An 11yo singing Touch my body is no bueno.



    Hahaha show the love for that kid. It sorta reminds me of that kid from that show Still Standing. The parents were convinced he was gay. Pretty much accepted it and dropped hints but didn't make it sound like a bad thing at all. He swore he wasn't gay and every time a girl entered into the equation they were surprised but still they'd drop subtle hints. It was a great approach.
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    Jul 31, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    MikePhil said
    Maybe because I need their help, and they knew, and did not help, or even try to help.


    It seems to me they did try to help, albeit in a misguided way, by sending you to a psychologist. Yeah, we know it's silly, but they probably thought they were doing the best thing they could for you.
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    Jul 31, 2008 11:04 PM GMT
    jsttennis77 saidIt sorta reminds me of that kid from that show Still Standing. The parents were convinced he was gay. Pretty much accepted it and dropped hints but didn't make it sound like a bad thing at all. He swore he wasn't gay and every time a girl entered into the equation they were surprised but still they'd drop subtle hints. It was a great approach.


    I think some of that went under the radar for the straights, too. I remember an episode where the father and his buddy were trying to figure out the kid's computer password to read his emails. They tried one word after the other...then the father says "Try 'Sondheim'"....and of course it worked.
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    Jul 31, 2008 11:09 PM GMT
    I wish my parent's would tell me they know. I've not told them out of fear of hurting them too. Well, that and a slight fear they'll never talk to me again.

    It never fails when I'm home visiting though that they'll make some awful anti-gay comment. Last time it was about "the homos marrying in California" and the "abomination of a gay pride parade in Cleveland". I'm thinking to myself, "if they know, why are they being so mean to me?"
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    Jul 31, 2008 11:10 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    jsttennis77 saidIt sorta reminds me of that kid from that show Still Standing. The parents were convinced he was gay. Pretty much accepted it and dropped hints but didn't make it sound like a bad thing at all. He swore he wasn't gay and every time a girl entered into the equation they were surprised but still they'd drop subtle hints. It was a great approach.


    I think some of that went under the radar for the straights, too. I remember an episode where the father and his buddy were trying to figure out the kid's computer password to read his emails. They tried one word after the other...then the father says "Try 'Sondheim'"....and of course it worked.


    Exactly. The way it was written it appeared the parents were so accepting they just wanted to get over that hump of him coming to terms with it and then move forward and be the over all success he was destined to be. I appreciated the approach.
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    Jul 31, 2008 11:18 PM GMT
    It's funny. I have several sets of close friends who have told me they think their sons (coincidentally, both boys in question are about 10 years old now) are gay. I think it's great that they're willing to entertain the notion of it, and I praise them for being openminded enough to accept it, should that end up being the way the cards play out. I'm careful not to encourage them to actively 'encourage' their sons to be gay, however. I tell them not to assume or treat their sons as if they are gay or straight, but to be supportive of them if they do end up being of our superior sexual persuasion. icon_wink.gif

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    Jul 31, 2008 11:18 PM GMT
    halltd said
    It never fails when I'm home visiting though that they'll make some awful anti-gay comment. Last time it was about "the homos marrying in California" and the "abomination of a gay pride parade in Cleveland".


    It's really tragic that people so thoughtlessly say things like this without ever realizing they could be talking about their own kids, and what kind of psychological damage comes from hearing that kind of rejection coming from your parents causes.

    Of course, they always imagine it's people they don't know, not their own kids.

    Someone should do a documentary film about this.
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    Jul 31, 2008 11:31 PM GMT
    zdrew saidIt's funny. I have several sets of close friends who have told me they think their sons (coincidentally, both boys in question are about 10 years old now) are gay. I think it's great that they're willing to entertain the notion of it, and I praise them for being openminded enough to accept it, should that end up being the way the cards play out.

    There's no doubt that some kids show signs of being gay or lesbian at a very young age. This makes me firmly believe in nature over nurture in that debate.

    I remember when I was still living at home there was a boy at our church who, even at 4 or 5 years of age, was pretty obviously going to be gay. And this was a very conservative church, but it was so obvious that even his mom would joke about it (in an accepting way, not a dismissive way). Once someone at church commented about how "animated" he was and his mom, shockingly, said "Yes, I'm sure that's what they said about Elton John when he was a kid." icon_lol.gif

    I think it was her way of preparing everyone for his eventual coming out and making things easier for him. She was kind of a hero to me for this.
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    Aug 01, 2008 2:52 AM GMT
    ALL PARENTS KNOW!!! I just love it when guys try to tell me that their parents had "no clue" and that it blew them away. All parents know. If they don't, they aren't listening to their kids enough. Everyone knew when I was kid, I knew when I was a kid, I just didn't want to face the aftermath of the admission.

    I have a friend who's 9 year old son is most likely gay. In fact, I already know he's going to be into Sub/Dom roles. He asks me to boss him around to a very bizarre extent. I can already see him in leather being led around on a leash. The sad thing for the mom, depending on how you look at it, is that her already grown children are ALL gay as well. I don't know what she's doing, but perhaps she should start parenting classes.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 01, 2008 2:55 AM GMT
    Well Mike, I know its no excuse, but remember it was years ago and your parents may have just been clueless as to how best to proceed if they thought you were gay... or what. We all have things that upset us about the past. .don't dwell on it or blame your parents now.

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    Aug 01, 2008 3:19 AM GMT
    Think of it this way: your parents may have strongly suspected you were gay - they may even have been sure of it - but they also had to be thinking, "What if we're wrong?" I mean, you hadn't come out to them or anything, and it sounds like they didn't have any hard evidence. Can you imagine how hard it would be on a straight guy who's going through some tough times, if his parents took him aside and said, "Look, we know you're gay..."

    Somehow the song "Institutionalized", by Suicidal Tendencies, comes to mind.

    The psychologists, by the way, were idiots. The idea of ambushing you with something so deeply personal, so early in your first visit - when they had no sense of you as a person yet and presumably you were quite obviously uncomfortable with the whole situation already - those guys deserve a smack in the mouth.
  • redheaded_dud...

    Posts: 408

    Aug 01, 2008 3:33 AM GMT
    I'm not a parent, and God willing never will be. But I think there's something inherent in parents that want the best for their kids. Of course, "best" is subjective, and one reason it's very difficult for doctors to advertise that they're the "best" in town.

    I concur that your parents tried to help by sending you to a psychologist. It's what they knew. As Keanu Reeves said in the movie "Parenthood", kids don't come with an instruction book. Even Dr. Spock's book couldn't address every situation. And even if it did, would his answer apply to YOU? or ME?

    Your question: Why are you mad at your parents? Could it be that they didn't demonstrate the love you wanted them to? Are you an only child? did they demonstrate their love to your brothers and sisters, while withholding it from you? (My guess is that they did NOT). Parents don't always KNOW how to demonstrate love. It sucks, but it's just the way it is. Don't hold it against them too much. I don't always know how to do that with my S.O. either.
    I think it's just the human condition.