Never been very good at this gay thing.

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    Jun 26, 2012 7:22 AM GMT
    I've never been very good at this gay thing. I don't have much in common with the typical, tacky gay guy. I don't care for Beyoncé or Lady Gaga. I don't wear stinky cologne and I don't talk with a freakin' effeminate speech pattern. I prefer being around men who act like men and I haven't been able to find anywhere to be around this type except maybe at the gym. I live in the SF Bay area and the gay community out here is pretty much a joke.

    I'm single, don't smoke or do drugs and own my own house. I'd love to meet a man, but I don't know where to look anymore. I don't really frequent the bars too much since they are absolutely horrid. I have no desire to stand around with a drink in my hand watching clips of horrifying films like "Hairspray" or "To Wong Foo".

    Also, these bars are mainly populated by guys who go there with their friends or boyfriends. I always thought bars were supposed to be for meeting men. Why hang out at a bar if you are just going to hang out chatting with your friends or bf? If I had a bf that's the last place I'd want to be. And what's up with all the gays who smoke? I'm interested in a man who takes care of his body.

    I also don't go to White Parties and hang out in a pool with silly guys tossing a beach ball around with a stupid grin on my face.

    I consider myself a normal dude who just happens to really like the company of and having sex with straight acting men.

    When I discovered RJ I thought I had struck gold. I thought I would finally be able to meet other men like myself, men with similar interests, but that's been a bust. Except for the random jock, most won't even speak to me. They're either into other beautiful guys or really ugly guys. I guess I fall somewhere in between? I'd like to believe that I'm halfway OK looking. I'm realistic and know I'm not a super handsome guy and that I'm an ectormorph, but I sure as Hell don't think I'm the most terrible looking guy out there. I feel like I'm in some sort of Limbo and sometimes it just makes me want to shut down this account.

    It would be nice to find someone that I'm really into, to go to the movies with, or have dinner with. Sex would be nice too, but only friendship would be fine too. I'd rather be alone than have to settle for someone who does nothing for me.

    Don't get me wrong, I have made some friends here and there, even online, but not on this site. Also, when I do hook up with a guy, I usually find out he's in a relationship. Trust me, I would rather not be hooking up with unavailable men, but that seems to be the way it's turned out. Have yet to meet an available man that I am compatible with. I'm 45 and it's starting to dawn on me that such a guy may not exist. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I were born straight. I've been shown more interest from women than any hot man.

    I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm wondering if I'm the only guy who feels this way. I'm rambling and venting, but some serious feedback would be nice. However, if you're just going to make rude comments or jokes please go elsewhere. The last thing I need are bitchy haters who are looking for someone to pounce on with their vitriol.





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    Jun 26, 2012 7:41 AM GMT
    Sounds like you're the bitchy hater.
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    Jun 26, 2012 8:00 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidSounds like you're the bitchy hater.

    Try living in the SF Bay Area for 14 years.
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    Jun 26, 2012 8:12 AM GMT
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    Jun 26, 2012 8:25 AM GMT
    Helios69 said
    paulflexes saidSounds like you're the bitchy hater.

    Try living in the SF Bay Area for 14 years.
    Try accepting that other people are different.
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    Jun 26, 2012 9:08 AM GMT
    Hi Helios - like the Greek god Helios I take? Very nice name.(Mythology buff here, sorry! icon_redface.gif )

    Helios69 saidI've never been very good at this gay thing. I don't have much in common with the typical, tacky gay guy. I don't care for Beyoncé or Lady Gaga. I don't wear stinky cologne and I don't talk with a freakin' effeminate speech pattern.

    ...

    Except for the random jock, most won't even speak to me.


    You might be finding problems because of these contrasting two paragraphs/statements - terms like tacky and freakin' and well, the way you describe others might sound hurtful. We've got a community of different people here; I know you feel upset, disillusioned even, but perhaps they'd talk to you more and help you network if you were... well, a little nicer on the words perhaps? I'm not talking about political correctness a hundred percent of the time, but cordiality goes a long way I suppose. People feel less afraid to mingle and speak up.

    You know, an effeminate man might have plenty of straight-acting friends interested in a fellow straight-acting stable careered man. I know a man who looks like a bear and paints his nails bright green - he's a social butterfly with friends of every walk of life. Having different friends can be a big help in your social life.

    With that aside, let's address this part by part:-

    Helios69 saidI'm single, don't smoke or do drugs and own my own house. I'd love to meet a man, but I don't know where to look anymore. I don't really frequent the bars too much

    I also don't go to White Parties
    I consider myself a normal dude who just happens to really like the company of and having sex with straight acting men.


    That's all fine and dandy really - but have you ever stopped to consider that straight-acting men that you fancy - men like yourself that is - a normal-seeming (is that even a term) man who prefers other heterosexual-seeming (is that even a term yet again) men - might share the same haunting habits and liking as you do?

    Perhaps the same sports you like? The places you'd rather be in? They probably wouldn't be in the bars either, if you don't like being in them. (I can vouch that not everyone smokes or go to bars; I don't smoke or go to bars either, for that matter, and I have a 9 to 5 job.) Since it's not easy to tell a person's orientation, how about going to a bar wearing the shirt or cap or medallion of your favorite team? Someone could be someone else's wingman. They could alert you, or introduce you around if you asked.

    If you don't prefer the San Francisco community, how about going on a holiday to other states? You might find what you like. Vegas sounds like an interesting place, as it's got many visitors. You'll never know what you'll find, and if you know anyone from a gay community from Vegas, all the better.

    Helios69 saidIt would be nice to find someone that I'm really into, to go to the movies with, or have dinner with.

    That does sound ideal actually - but is that really something a guy would want? I know women like that kind of thing (my mother's single friends are forever going on about it) but I'm not entirely sure if a man would do that, unless he was a bit of a romantic/effeminate bottom? I've heard some bottoms like being led around, but I'm not too sure if that might end up your type. What are you looking for specifically? Are you going to top, be the gentleman? If so, I think you actually already pass as someone's type. They might be a little out of your range of tastes I'm afraid.

    Helios69 saidI just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm wondering if I'm the only guy who feels this way.

    You're definitely not. A lot of us as people will have issues fitting in, either at work or in a community. But like I said, being kind, using kind words and cordiality will most likely help us ease in. It takes time, and I know it isn't easy, but once you make friends you'll find yourself able to reach out and make other friends.

    I'm not sure how useful my suggestions will be, but I didn't want you to go away without a serious answer. Good luck, Helios.
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:13 PM GMT
    Let's see:

    I don't smoke or do drugs. Most guys here on RJ don't do that either.

    That was really your only complaint other than guys going out to the bars/white parties. If you don't want to find druggies- don't go to druggie environments. Look online for a gay sports team in the SF area. Those types of guys might be more fitted for you. Or look into a gay gym, gay camping group. There are really endless possibilities for guys beyond online and the clubs.

    P.S: Don't HATE on Hairspray.
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    Helios69 saidI just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm wondering if I'm the only guy who feels this way. I'm rambling and venting, but some serious feedback would be nice. However, if you're just going to make rude comments or jokes please go elsewhere. The last thing I need are bitchy haters who are looking for someone to pounce on with their vitriol.

    Not intending to be rude, but the things you like and don't like in the gay community mostly match with the guys I know here who are your age. You seem to be describing a younger set, not your own, at least from what I see in this Florida community. Sure there's some occasional gay campiness for fun, but not much, really. Most of our friends in your age range are rather down to earth, reliable and serious, while at 63 it's me who's usually the silliest and goofiest in our group.

    Which leads me to wonder if you're looking in the wrong places, associating with the wrong crowd, or living in the wrong community. Maybe that's what makes you "not very good at this gay thing".
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:44 PM GMT
    You sound boring and angry. You need to lighten up. I am sure what you feel is projected when you go out.
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    By definition, straight acting guys don't have sex with men... man, i hate that phrase... i don't know why so many of us continue to define ourselves according to the heterosexual norms we should so aspire to escape... if you don'tlike guys that wear make up ordress up in a dress then say it straight... similarly, if you'd prefer to meet a guy that watches football, goes hiking, etc then put that out there... you'll find it'll help... cause 'straight acting' is one of those terms that means something different to everyone... and nothing positive to most
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    You sound like such a pleasant person. I can't believe someone like you is having trouble dating.
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    Jun 26, 2012 1:52 PM GMT

    Helois said, "I consider myself a normal dude who just happens to really like the company of and having sex with straight acting men."

    Apologies for dropping this bomb on you, but that's a gay thing.

    As for this, " I don't care for Beyoncé or Lady Gaga. I don't wear stinky cologne and I don't talk with a freakin' effeminate speech pattern. "

    You just described a couple of straight men we know, married w/kids.

    You also should consider that both those women have a vast straight following. icon_wink.gif
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Jun 26, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    Any time you find yourself blaming an entire community for your feeling out of place, you either need to a) look for a different community or b) consider that the problem might be in you and the way you choose to look at others. Plenty of guys who you might genuinely like, when they hear you talk this way, will happily stamp "sounds like the Family Research Council" on your forehead and move on. So I'm not sure what you're hoping to get out of this post.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    76coopers saidif you don'tlike guys that wear make up ordress up in a dress then say it straight... similarly, if you'd prefer to meet a guy that watches football, goes hiking, etc then put that out there... you'll find it'll help... cause 'straight acting' is one of those terms that means something different to everyone...

    This is excellent advice. I'm quoting this for truth - you do need to be specific when it comes to interest. If only there was an up-vote or Like button in this forum. Thumbs up, man.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    Helios69 saidI've never been very good at this gay thing. I don't have much in common with the typical, tacky gay guy. I don't care for Beyoncé or Lady Gaga. I don't wear stinky cologne and I don't talk with a freakin' effeminate speech pattern. I prefer being around men who act like men and I haven't been able to find anywhere to be around this type except maybe at the gym. I live in the SF Bay area and the gay community out here is pretty much a joke.

    I'm single, don't smoke or do drugs and own my own house. I'd love to meet a man, but I don't know where to look anymore. I don't really frequent the bars too much since they are absolutely horrid. I have no desire to stand around with a drink in my hand watching clips of horrifying films like "Hairspray" or "To Wong Foo".

    Also, these bars are mainly populated by guys who go there with their friends or boyfriends. I always thought bars were supposed to be for meeting men. Why hang out at a bar if you are just going to hang out chatting with your friends or bf? If I had a bf that's the last place I'd want to be. And what's up with all the gays who smoke? I'm interested in a man who takes care of his body.


    Because bars are cruisey. What you have to realize are these two things:

    1) for everybody regardless of sexual orientation, the bar scene gets old
    2) The time that you find somebody is when you least expect it.

    So the reason why you're getting annoyed with the scene is that you definitely are looking in the wrong places. You rant with "I don't like this, I don't like that" so what do you like? Start from there, since nobody likes a negative nancy going about how the queers suck. Also, know that even the most masculine dudes are going to drop a purse out of their mouths from time to time. I knew a gay guy who talked like a gay guy from my old hometown and wrestled for my rival high school. Since he was serious and fairly passionate about it, that makes him badass rather than well... not. So some of the nitpicking you do is also uncalled for in that aspect.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    My gym is full of TYPICAL Gay pretty boys. One look......and I knew Everything about them.

    I KNEW everything ....until I started to listen to the conversations around me.
    These 'pretty boy airheads' turned out to be doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs. Their topics of discussion were NOT of the Lady Gaga variety.

    Nowadays I'm friends with many of the same guys I misjudged entirely.

    I'm still a SNOB.......and I still judge folks with lightning speed. But I've become a lot more open to acknowledging that I might be wrong.

    The Best Part of finding out that I am not the only non-typical gay guy---in fact I'm not even all that special---

    is that I AM MUCH HAPPIER. I am no longer alone in my own especially amazing unique form of uniqueness----in a club that only had room for ME.
  • gumbosolo

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    Jun 26, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    Balancing: well put.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    Balancing saidMy gym is full of TYPICAL Gay pretty boys. One look......and I knew Everything about them.

    I KNEW everything ....until I started to listen to the conversations around me.
    These 'pretty boy airheads' turned out to be doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs. Their topics of discussion were NOT of the Lady Gaga variety.

    Nowadays I'm friends with many of the same guys I misjudged entirely.

    I'm still a SNOB.......and I still judge folks with lightning speed. But I've become a lot more open to acknowledging that I might be wrong.

    The Best Part of finding out that I am not the only non-typical gay guy---in fact I'm not even all that special---

    is that I AM MUCH HAPPIER. I am no longer alone in my own especially amazing unique form of uniqueness----in a club that only had room for ME.


    Wow. That was an amazingly insightful post!^^
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:23 PM GMT
    Balancing saidMy gym is full of TYPICAL Gay pretty boys. One look......and I knew Everything about them.

    I KNEW everything ....until I started to listen to the conversations around me.
    These 'pretty boy airheads' turned out to be doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs. Their topics of discussion were NOT of the Lady Gaga variety.

    Nowadays I'm friends with many of the same guys I misjudged entirely.

    I'm still a SNOB.......and I still judge folks with lightning speed. But I've become a lot more open to acknowledging that I might be wrong.

    The Best Part of finding out that I am not the only non-typical gay guy---in fact I'm not even all that special---

    is that I AM MUCH HAPPIER. I am no longer alone in my own especially amazing unique form of uniqueness----in a club that only had room for ME.
    I am the exact same way. Although I deal with self-absorbed drag queens and I am chill enough to hang out with them, I also recognize that highly skilled professional people exist. Not to say that the drag queens aren't talented, but I just wanted to point out that there are more gay guys out there that are career driven than those that are going to white parties. Hell- my high school English teacher (who I saw at pride the other day) is an example of that as is our own weather man, Sven Sundgaard.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    gumbosolo saidBalancing: well put.



    Ditto!
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    I didn't know there was only one way to be gay.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidSounds like you're the bitchy hater.


    Maybe you would find someone if you didn't come across as so frumpy and crotchety. There's no such thing as a typical group of anyone, so take the time to get out there and actually get to know the person before you just shrug them off. There are plenty of amazing people out there who prove our first impressions to be false.


    tumblr_m65is6DDlK1r7ksvdo1_500.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    Balancing saidMy gym is full of TYPICAL Gay pretty boys. One look......and I knew Everything about them.

    I KNEW everything ....until I started to listen to the conversations around me.
    These 'pretty boy airheads' turned out to be doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs. Their topics of discussion were NOT of the Lady Gaga variety.

    Nowadays I'm friends with many of the same guys I misjudged entirely.

    I'm still a SNOB.......and I still judge folks with lightning speed. But I've become a lot more open to acknowledging that I might be wrong.

    The Best Part of finding out that I am not the only non-typical gay guy---in fact I'm not even all that special---

    is that I AM MUCH HAPPIER. I am no longer alone in my own especially amazing unique form of uniqueness----in a club that only had room for ME.


    THIS.

    +1
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jun 26, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    Helios, from your post you sound like one great big walking piece of judgmental negativity. This sort of person isn't attractive to many people -- gay, straight, or otherwise -- so you need to change that. Look for organizations, clubs, groups that share common interests with you and then try to become a part of those circles. If you think the gay world out there is all about "Beyonce´, Lady Gaga, stinky cologne, and effeminate speech patterns", then you really need to get out more.
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    Jun 26, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    OP I'm half your age and I share the same views. I'm not into the scene, I don't go to gay bars(often), my friends are mostly straight and people can't tell that I'm gay so most of the times I have to make the first move....it all depends on you. Get yourself some girlfriends, if you havent yet, they are great at matchmaking. There are tons of different things you can do where you can meet people, especially in SF. You just never know where and when your guy will show up so why shut the doors? its not like youve made an account and guys will line up to date you. So cheer up, try to keep that positive energy, people are drawn to that and don't give up icon_wink.gif