Coming out to new people.

  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 28, 2012 8:31 AM GMT
    Hey guys, i'm new to this site and this is my first forums post so forgive me if this has already been asked..
    I consider myself out of the closet, my family knows, and my close friends know, but everytime I meet someone new or I see someone I haven't seen for awhile things get a little bit awkward. I'm not the type of person who flaunts around my sexuality, but when the topic of not having a girlfriend comes up or me being single comes up I dont exactly know how to tell people im gay. Everytime i'm about to tell someone I get really nervous, the "what if" questions pop into my head, and I usually dont tell them.. at least not right away. Does it get any easier the longer you've been out? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jun 28, 2012 8:44 AM GMT
    I don't know what you mean by the "what if question."

    But if you have your family and close friend's support, then why should it matter what these new people (strangers) think?

    Unless you are in an area where it's unsafe to be gay, most people don't have the gal to talk bad about you right in front of your face or attempt to physically harm you.

    Can't spend your entire life worrying about what every new person will think about you when they find out you are gay.
  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 28, 2012 8:53 AM GMT
    @TheBizMan
    Yeah sorry if that didnt make sense, the biggest "what if" question that I can really think of is "what if I tell my straight buddy and he thinks I like him?" Thanks for the reply man icon_smile.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jun 28, 2012 9:03 AM GMT
    Boredasaurus said@TheBizMan
    Yeah sorry if that didnt make sense, the biggest "what if" question that I can really think of is "what if I tell my straight buddy and he thinks I like him?" Thanks for the reply man icon_smile.gif


    I dunno.. tell him you don't?

    If he doesn't believe you or continues to feel uncomfortable around you after you break the news... then so be it. Guess he wasn't your "buddy" after all.

    The sad truth is, you may lose a lot of people you THOUGHT were friends after revealing your orientation. You can't do anything about that. The good news is, you will in turn, have a true understanding of who your real pals are.
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    Jun 28, 2012 1:16 PM GMT
    Acknowledging that you're gay in response to questions regarding your relationship status isn't flaunting your sexuality. Wearing a Tom of Finland shirt depicting 2 leather guys sucking cock - THAT is flaunting your sexuality.

    It definitely gets easier as you get older, because you learn to not give a shit about what other people think. You get more comfortable with yourself and who you are. You get tired of avoidance and lying, worrying about "what if...". You start to get offended by the idea that you have to keep it a secret, just in case someone else is offended. Fuck that. Their insecurities are their problem - not yours.

    The next time it comes up - just casually let it out. No big proclamations. No "Sit down we need to talk..." If your buddy thinks you're into him, just laugh it off and tell him to not be so full of himself. Unless you DO like him. That's another topic altogether.

    You're friends are your friends because they like you. If they don't like you for who you are, they're not exactly friends. Of course - they don't know who you really are unless you tell them.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Jun 28, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    I understand where you're coming from, even though your family and friends know, when you meet somebody new at class, at a bar, at work, on the streets, on a sports team, etc., and one of the first question is "do you have a girlfriend?" It's hard to figure out if you should answer with a simple "no" or if you should immediately say "I'm gay." Strapguy gives some good advice, but for me it can sometimes be easier said than done.
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    Jun 28, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    At this point in my life I don't give a shit, I am a homo so I state it when asked or when relationship questions come up. Most of us spent way too much time 'accessorizing' in the closet, now it is time to relax and not be afraid to be who we are. Of course, I am suggesting this as a man who lives in Southern California and not a location where my orientation can be punished or really looked down upon. Most people here get it and aren't too judgemental, if at all.
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    Jun 28, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    I met a guy last weekend. Really nice. Very straight. Much younger than me. We hit it off talking and hanging out. He asked me if I would go with him to a bar and I said sure. At some point he talked about us meeting girls. I told him it was fine but I played for the other team.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jun 28, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    just be smart and play it by ear. I have a good read on people. You can lie if you have to. If you aren't going to see them again who cares.
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    Jun 28, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    Boredasaurus said...but everytime I meet someone new or I see someone I haven't seen for awhile things get a little bit awkward. I'm not the type of person who flaunts around my sexuality, but when the topic of not having a girlfriend comes up or me being single comes up I don't exactly know how to tell people I'm gay.


    How about this: "I just haven't found the right person yet."

    Or this: "It's really none of your business but if you must know I'm gay."

    Or use either one depending on the person or circumstance.

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    Jun 28, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    "still looking for Mr Right" should do it
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jun 28, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    If you feel comfortable with the new person then feel free to tell them. There really is no need to tell everyone new that you meet that you are gay.
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Jun 28, 2012 2:18 PM GMT
    It's not flaunting, if you're just being yourself, ya know? There's nothing wrong with being gay, regardless what others seem to think.

    In other words, why worry? Why add another thing on your plate? I've said this before. I just figure everyone knows already that I'm a little funny and go on with my life. When they say, "oh, what does your wife do?"

    "My husband works in finance."

    And then we continue with the conversation.

    Now, the issue I think you are really asking, about people you don't know very well...who cares what they think? Are they going to paint your living room? Buy you dinner? Fix your cross-axle on your truck? If they don't want to talk to you, screw them, who needs them. If are someone you might have some kind of weird relationship, then sure, you can tell them. But you don't have to "out" yourself. Just keep doing the every stuff.

    Look, life is a freegin' crazy, looney, wacky place. This kinda stress, in this century is not worth your energy. Don't dwell on "that moment." If you're afraid of coming out, you will give people the impression that being gay is somehow bad or something you should hide. We know that's not true. But people, as a whole, are fickle. So? Don't tell people you're gay. Figure they already know (especially if you show up in a fetching black dress) and go from there.

    Peace,
    Bardy
  • jmanorlando

    Posts: 205

    Jun 28, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    This all depends on the people, are they friends or people that always cared about you or social media gossips (ie - as soon as you comment they will tweet or facebook - omg guess who's gay?)

    For gossips, pass and say "I just haven't found the right one yet"

    For friends a unique way to kind of open the conversation, When they ask do you have a girlfriend you can reply:
    - I don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend
    - I don't have a girlfriend, but I do have a boyfriend
    - No but can you introduce me to some of your gay friends

    Basically, share with people you trust and would consider friends 1, 3, and 5 years down the road and as for the rest give them a simple answer and move on.

  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 28, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the great replies, it really means alot icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 28, 2012 8:11 PM GMT
    the key thing is to give information that states that you are comfortable with yourself, not seeking approval. the best advice someone gave me was

    "when you are comfortable with yourself, other people will be comfortable with you"
  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 28, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    BambinoRex saidthe key thing is to give information that states that you are comfortable with yourself, not seeking approval. the best advice someone gave me was

    "when you are comfortable with yourself, other people will be comfortable with you"


    Good quote thanks icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 28, 2012 8:20 PM GMT
    BardBear saidIt's not flaunting, if you're just being yourself, ya know? There's nothing wrong with being gay, regardless what others seem to think.

    In other words, why worry? Why add another thing on your plate? I've said this before. I just figure everyone knows already that I'm a little funny and go on with my life. When they say, "oh, what does your wife do?"

    "My husband works in finance."

    And then we continue with the conversation.

    Now, the issue I think you are really asking, about people you don't know very well...who cares what they think? Are they going to paint your living room? Buy you dinner? Fix your cross-axle on your truck? If they don't want to talk to you, screw them, who needs them. If are someone you might have some kind of weird relationship, then sure, you can tell them. But you don't have to "out" yourself. Just keep doing the every stuff.

    Look, life is a freegin' crazy, looney, wacky place. This kinda stress, in this century is not worth your energy. Don't dwell on "that moment." If you're afraid of coming out, you will give people the impression that being gay is somehow bad or something you should hide. We know that's not true. But people, as a whole, are fickle. So? Don't tell people you're gay. Figure they already know (especially if you show up in a fetching black dress) and go from there.

    Peace,
    Bardy


    ^This. Well said!

    Since coming out I have been told by people who have known me for most of my life that I'm the happiest they have seen me in years. While I don't go around farting glitter everywhere I go, I am not ashamed of being gay. If the subject comes up in conversation, whether with total strangers, acquaintences, or old friends, I readily admit I am gay. I will no longer hide as if being gay is something shameful or wrong. Bigots be damned. There is something profoundly liberating about accepting yourself and not giving a flying fig what others think.
  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 28, 2012 8:27 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    BardBear saidIt's not flaunting, if you're just being yourself, ya know? There's nothing wrong with being gay, regardless what others seem to think.

    In other words, why worry? Why add another thing on your plate? I've said this before. I just figure everyone knows already that I'm a little funny and go on with my life. When they say, "oh, what does your wife do?"

    "My husband works in finance."

    And then we continue with the conversation.

    Now, the issue I think you are really asking, about people you don't know very well...who cares what they think? Are they going to paint your living room? Buy you dinner? Fix your cross-axle on your truck? If they don't want to talk to you, screw them, who needs them. If are someone you might have some kind of weird relationship, then sure, you can tell them. But you don't have to "out" yourself. Just keep doing the every stuff.

    Look, life is a freegin' crazy, looney, wacky place. This kinda stress, in this century is not worth your energy. Don't dwell on "that moment." If you're afraid of coming out, you will give people the impression that being gay is somehow bad or something you should hide. We know that's not true. But people, as a whole, are fickle. So? Don't tell people you're gay. Figure they already know (especially if you show up in a fetching black dress) and go from there.

    Peace,
    Bardy


    ^This. Well said!

    Since coming out I have been told by people who have known me for most of my life that I'm the happiest they have seen me in years. While I don't go around farting glitter everywhere I go, I am not ashamed of being gay. If the subject comes up in conversation, whether with total strangers, acquaintences, or old friends, I readily admit I am gay. I will no longer hide as if being gay is something shameful or wrong. Bigots be damned. There is something profoundly liberating about accepting yourself and not giving a flying fig what others think.


    +1 for both of you haha, thanks guys
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    Jun 28, 2012 11:58 PM GMT
    Boredasaurus saidHey guys, i'm new to this site and this is my first forums post so forgive me if this has already been asked..
    I consider myself out of the closet, my family knows, and my close friends know, but everytime I meet someone new or I see someone I haven't seen for awhile things get a little bit awkward. I'm not the type of person who flaunts around my sexuality, but when the topic of not having a girlfriend comes up or me being single comes up I dont exactly know how to tell people im gay. Everytime i'm about to tell someone I get really nervous, the "what if" questions pop into my head, and I usually dont tell them.. at least not right away. Does it get any easier the longer you've been out? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys.


    Why are you worrying about it? Tell the people you want to tell, and don't tell the people you don't. You can still be out without advertising it to everyone you come across. Typically, I'll mention it if it comes up in conversation, but I don't go out of my way to share or hide it.
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    Jun 29, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    coming out is a huge challenge facing a lot of gay people.I think,as long as your family and close friends accept you,who cares what others think!!!! Your family and close friends will always be there to help you out.I say,tell them and if they stay....that's just awesome.......if they don't....their loss.....straight people get the wrong idea of gay people,like we are stalkers or something.....sigh....smh.....idiots.....
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    Jun 29, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    yeah man it get's easier; actually getting a kick out of it (the reactions you get), until I started working on a Alzheimer's unit...imagining having to come out ten twenty times a day to the same people.
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    Jun 29, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidI met a guy last weekend. Really nice. Very straight. Much younger than me. We hit it off talking and hanging out. He asked me if I would go with him to a bar and I said sure. At some point he talked about us meeting girls. I told him it was fine but I played for the other team.


    How did he respond?
  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 29, 2012 2:43 AM GMT
    simple_me saidcoming out is a huge challenge facing a lot of gay people.I think,as long as your family and close friends accept you,who cares what others think!!!! Your family and close friends will always be there to help you out.I say,tell them and if they stay....that's just awesome.......if they don't....their loss.....straight people get the wrong idea of gay people,like we are stalkers or something.....sigh....smh.....idiots.....


    +1 haha
  • Boredasaurus

    Posts: 91

    Jun 29, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    redsoxfan791 said
    Boredasaurus saidHey guys, i'm new to this site and this is my first forums post so forgive me if this has already been asked..
    I consider myself out of the closet, my family knows, and my close friends know, but everytime I meet someone new or I see someone I haven't seen for awhile things get a little bit awkward. I'm not the type of person who flaunts around my sexuality, but when the topic of not having a girlfriend comes up or me being single comes up I dont exactly know how to tell people im gay. Everytime i'm about to tell someone I get really nervous, the "what if" questions pop into my head, and I usually dont tell them.. at least not right away. Does it get any easier the longer you've been out? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys.


    Why are you worrying about it? Tell the people you want to tell, and don't tell the people you don't. You can still be out without advertising it to everyone you come across. Typically, I'll mention it if it comes up in conversation, but I don't go out of my way to share or hide it.


    Thanks for responding, and I dont advertise it to alot of people, but with the new friends I am gaining and the new friends i'm bound to meet things can get a little awkward, at least for me when they ask why i'm single or why I dot have a girlfriend. Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my forum icon_biggrin.gif