How should I deal with my fathers homophobia?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    How should I deal with his rage at me?
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    Uh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    Jun 29, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    Are you reliant on your father for anything in particular, especially financial support? If not, I would simply let him know that this is your life, and it's not your choice, but even if it were, you would expect him to support you. Then let him know that you want him very badly to be a part of your life, but if he can't learn to treat you with respect, you'd rather not have him in your life. I know it's tough, but people who don't love you for who you are just aren't worth your love. Kindly remind him that if this is the father he wants to be, then he will no longer have you as a son. If he is willing to lose you forever because he can't tolerate your sexuality, then he really isn't worth fighting for.
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:59 AM GMT
    mikeylikes saidAre you reliant on your father for anything in particular, especially financial support? If not, I would simply let him know that this is your life, and it's not your choice, but even if it were, you would expect him to support you. Then let him know that you want him very badly to be a part of your life, but if he can't learn to treat you with respect, you'd rather not have him in your life. I know it's tough, but people who don't love you for who you are just aren't worth your love. Kindly remind him that if this is the father he wants to be, then he will no longer have you as a son. If he is willing to lose you forever because he can't tolerate your sexuality, then he really isn't worth fighting for.


    The theory sounds good, but because of my childhood I suspect I DO need his approval. Also it's easy for him to walk away since he has many kids by a second marriage.
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    Jun 29, 2012 2:58 PM GMT
    Swim dude- given what I've read from your posts, you really need some help, to put it bluntly. I would find some lgbt-friendly counselors to talk to, and you can find them in "lavender pages" in a gay newspaper.
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    Jun 29, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    Ill be honest. I checked your age. I thought you were older and then thought I was wrong. Im really surprised you have an issue with this.
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    Jun 29, 2012 3:10 PM GMT
    Push him down the stairs
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 29, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    You are 36 ...if he doesn't want a close relationship with you .. respect that he is an individual with his own feelings, needs and desires .... move out if you are living at home ... don't contact him again if the doesn't want to talk to you ... if he just has mental issues, then you are just going to have to be the bigger person and the adult and shut your feelings off and let him rant .... the quickest way to end an argument is to just walk away and not respond ... a fire cannot burn if you don't give it fuel .... just be loving and caring no matter how you are being treated and pretty soon the other person will realize they are being an ass
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    Jun 29, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    Counseling for you. He MAY change, but the factor in this equation with the most flexibility is you. Once you become your own person--not requiring approval from your father--you'll be able to deal with him more effectively. Perhaps also change him with your resolute calm. Although I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that.

    Don't wait until you're 40 to start this process.
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    Jun 29, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    swimguychicago saidUh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.

    I don't know how physically dependent you are upon him, for things like housing & money, but you shouldn't be at 36. Or are you waiting for the inheritance?

    What would you do if he passed away today, from injury, disease, whatever? Could you live without him then, be independent? Better prepare for that day, because it comes to all of us that we lose our fathers if we live long enough.

    If you can do it when he's gone, and you will, then consider that you can also sever your ties when he's alive if you wish it. If his abuse and homophobia are that bad, then he's hurting you and you need to be free of him.

    So forget about dealing with rage that won't get better, and remember that walking away is also a way of dealing with it. Stories like yours really upset me, and I wish you the best.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidCounseling for you. He MAY change, but the factor in this equation with the most flexibility is you. Once you become your own person--not requiring approval from your father--you'll be able to deal with him more effectively. Perhaps also change him with your resolute calm. Although I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that.

    Don't wait until you're 40 to start this process.


    ^This^....coming from someone who has been where you are now. Mine never accepted me but it helped me to become my own person because I had to do what was right for me - not him. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    You, sir, are 36. You don't deal with him. You go see a therapist and you get on with your life. If he doesn't want to accept you, he doesn't have to. If he continues to berate you, you change your phone number and stop talking to him. At your age, you should not need validation from your father. Yes, it would be nice, but until he knows you're serious about respecting yourself and not putting up with his shit, he isnt going to stop.
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    swimguychicago saidUh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.

    I don't know how physically dependent you are upon him, for things like housing & money, but you shouldn't be at 36. Or are you waiting for the inheritance?

    What would you do if he passed away today, from injury, disease, whatever? Could you live without him then, be independent? Better prepare for that day, because it comes to all of us that we lose our fathers if we live long enough.

    If you can do it when he's gone, and you will, then consider that you can also sever your ties when he's alive if you wish it. If his abuse and homophobia are that bad, then he's hurting you and you need to be free of him.

    So forget about dealing with rage that won't get better, and remember that walking away is also a way of dealing with it. Stories like yours really upset me, and I wish you the best.


    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.


    Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.


    Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....icon_wink.gif


    Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2012 10:09 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.


    Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....icon_wink.gif


    Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.


    OK.....so what does your being a financial planner have to do with you cutting ties with your dad in order to live your life as your own man? icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:11 PM GMT
    Replace the creme in his Oreos with toothpaste.
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:12 PM GMT
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.


    Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....icon_wink.gif


    Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.


    OK.....so what does your being a financial planner have to do with you cutting ties with your dad in order to live your life as your own man? icon_confused.gif


    You made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    swimguychicago saidYou made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.

    Wouldn't it be ironic if he cuts you out of the will at some point, anyway? So that all this compromise on your part will have been for naught? Do you have any siblings, or any other relatives who are candidates for the inheritance if you're disowned?
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:21 PM GMT
    CrankySpice saidSo, let's see:

    1. You value money above all else.
    2. You have daddy issues.
    3. You are obsessed with barely-legal boys.
    4. Because you are at their level of maturity.

    Yeah, you're a prize.


    Even if I were to concede points 1-4, which I do not, I could at least note that I don't go around attacking strangers when they're talking about their vulnerabilities. Clearly, you can't say the same. In fairness, however, I'm no better than you when it comes to the whole judge not lest ye be judged thing.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2012 10:21 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    You made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.


    OK....just trying to understand the intricacies of your situation my friend. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    Take him skydiving without a parachute.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidTake him skydiving without a parachute.


    You're just trying to drum up some extra business....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    malefeet said
    swimguychicago said
    Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.


    Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....icon_wink.gif


    Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.


    OK.....so what does your being a financial planner have to do with you cutting ties with your dad in order to live your life as your own man? icon_confused.gif


    You made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.
    Well then, enjoy the greed and the berating!

    Have fun!icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 10:28 PM GMT
    swimguychicago said In fairness, however, I'm no better than you when it comes to the whole judge not lest ye be judged thing.
    Thats good.. cause i think the buybull is just that.. I use NONE of it!