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How should I deal with his rage at me?

Uh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.

Are you reliant on your father for anything in particular, especially financial support? If not, I would simply let him know that this is your life, and it's not your choice, but even if it were, you would expect him to support you. Then let him know that you want him very badly to be a part of your life, but if he can't learn to treat you with respect, you'd rather not have him in your life. I know it's tough, but people who don't love you for who you are just aren't worth your love. Kindly remind him that if this is the father he wants to be, then he will no longer have you as a son. If he is willing to lose you forever because he can't tolerate your sexuality, then he really isn't worth fighting for.

mikeylikes saidAre you reliant on your father for anything in particular, especially financial support? If not, I would simply let him know that this is your life, and it's not your choice, but even if it were, you would expect him to support you. Then let him know that you want him very badly to be a part of your life, but if he can't learn to treat you with respect, you'd rather not have him in your life. I know it's tough, but people who don't love you for who you are just aren't worth your love. Kindly remind him that if this is the father he wants to be, then he will no longer have you as a son. If he is willing to lose you forever because he can't tolerate your sexuality, then he really isn't worth fighting for.

The theory sounds good, but because of my childhood I suspect I DO need his approval. Also it's easy for him to walk away since he has many kids by a second marriage.

It would be nice to get some validation for who you are as person and as a son from your father. But if he's not willing to work with you on that then there's really nothing you can do.

Talk with a therapist on the matter and see what the therapist says.

You might simply have to learn let him go or have one of those relationships where your sexuality is never discussed. I, however, think that this can be more damaging than good in the long run.

Swim dude- given what I've read from your posts, you really need some help, to put it bluntly. I would find some lgbt-friendly counselors to talk to, and you can find them in "lavender pages" in a gay newspaper.

Ill be honest. I checked your age. I thought you were older and then thought I was wrong. Im really surprised you have an issue with this.

Push him down the stairs

You are 36 ...if he doesn't want a close relationship with you .. respect that he is an individual with his own feelings, needs and desires .... move out if you are living at home ... don't contact him again if the doesn't want to talk to you ... if he just has mental issues, then you are just going to have to be the bigger person and the adult and shut your feelings off and let him rant .... the quickest way to end an argument is to just walk away and not respond ... a fire cannot burn if you don't give it fuel .... just be loving and caring no matter how you are being treated and pretty soon the other person will realize they are being an ass

Counseling for you. He MAY change, but the factor in this equation with the most flexibility is you. Once you become your own person--not requiring approval from your father--you'll be able to deal with him more effectively. Perhaps also change him with your resolute calm. Although I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that.

Don't wait until you're 40 to start this process.

swimguychicago saidUh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.

I don't know how physically dependent you are upon him, for things like housing & money, but you shouldn't be at 36. Or are you waiting for the inheritance?

What would you do if he passed away today, from injury, disease, whatever? Could you live without him then, be independent? Better prepare for that day, because it comes to all of us that we lose our fathers if we live long enough.

If you can do it when he's gone, and you will, then consider that you can also sever your ties when he's alive if you wish it. If his abuse and homophobia are that bad, then he's hurting you and you need to be free of him.

So forget about dealing with rage that won't get better, and remember that walking away is also a way of dealing with it. Stories like yours really upset me, and I wish you the best.

mickeytopogigio saidCounseling for you. He MAY change, but the factor in this equation with the most flexibility is you. Once you become your own person--not requiring approval from your father--you'll be able to deal with him more effectively. Perhaps also change him with your resolute calm. Although I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that.

Don't wait until you're 40 to start this process.

^This^....coming from someone who has been where you are now. Mine never accepted me but it helped me to become my own person because I had to do what was right for me - not him.

You, sir, are 36. You don't deal with him. You go see a therapist and you get on with your life. If he doesn't want to accept you, he doesn't have to. If he continues to berate you, you change your phone number and stop talking to him. At your age, you should not need validation from your father. Yes, it would be nice, but until he knows you're serious about respecting yourself and not putting up with his shit, he isnt going to stop.

KyleAD saidYou, sir, are 36. You don't deal with him. You go see a therapist and you get on with your life. If he doesn't want to accept you, he doesn't have to. If he continues to berate you, you change your phone number and stop talking to him. At your age, you should not need validation from your father. Yes, it would be nice, but until he knows you're serious about respecting yourself and not putting up with his shit, he isnt going to stop.

Sensible and cute. I like you.

OP:

I'm going to be a little blunt here.
I've read the threads you've started, and I have read your posts.
Your chronological age may be 36 but your maturity level is that of a 15-year old. I do not say this with a mean intent; you are a seriously arrested development case. This is more evidence. You are reacting like a teenage boy whose father is mean to him.

You'd better find some way of resuming your maturation process, first of all. Among other benefits, it will give you the tools to deal with something like this. Secondarily, you may be able to stop perving after young men who are clearly out of your appropriate age range.

Art_Deco said

swimguychicago saidUh, bit of help guys? His rage attacks are kinda hard on me.

I don't know how physically dependent you are upon him, for things like housing & money, but you shouldn't be at 36. Or are you waiting for the inheritance?

What would you do if he passed away today, from injury, disease, whatever? Could you live without him then, be independent? Better prepare for that day, because it comes to all of us that we lose our fathers if we live long enough.

If you can do it when he's gone, and you will, then consider that you can also sever your ties when he's alive if you wish it. If his abuse and homophobia are that bad, then he's hurting you and you need to be free of him.

So forget about dealing with rage that won't get better, and remember that walking away is also a way of dealing with it. Stories like yours really upset me, and I wish you the best.

Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.

swimguychicago said
Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.

Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....

malefeet said

swimguychicago said
Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.

Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....

Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.

swimguychicago said

malefeet said

swimguychicago said
Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.

Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....

Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.

OK.....so what does your being a financial planner have to do with you cutting ties with your dad in order to live your life as your own man?

Replace the creme in his Oreos with toothpaste.

malefeet said

swimguychicago said

malefeet said

swimguychicago said
Ugly as it sounds, waiting for an inheritance. I hate to admit it, but at this point his death might be a relief.

Sometimes, there are more important things than $$$....

Probably, but I didn't become a financial planner to save the whales.

OK.....so what does your being a financial planner have to do with you cutting ties with your dad in order to live your life as your own man?

You made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.

So, let's see:

1. You value money above all else.
2. You have daddy issues.
3. You are obsessed with barely-legal boys.
4. Because you are at their level of maturity.

Yeah, you're a prize.

swimguychicago saidYou made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.

Wouldn't it be ironic if he cuts you out of the will at some point, anyway? So that all this compromise on your part will have been for naught? Do you have any siblings, or any other relatives who are candidates for the inheritance if you're disowned?

CrankySpice saidSo, let's see:

1. You value money above all else.
2. You have daddy issues.
3. You are obsessed with barely-legal boys.
4. Because you are at their level of maturity.

Yeah, you're a prize.

Even if I were to concede points 1-4, which I do not, I could at least note that I don't go around attacking strangers when they're talking about their vulnerabilities. Clearly, you can't say the same. In fairness, however, I'm no better than you when it comes to the whole judge not lest ye be judged thing.

swimguychicago said
You made the point that money isn't everything. I agreed, but implied that I became a financial planner because I'm greedier than most. That's relevant because I had to concede your point that I keep in contact with my dad in the hopes of an inheritance.

OK....just trying to understand the intricacies of your situation my friend.