Attracted to all the wrong kinds????

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 9:12 AM GMT
    I'm just seeking the thoughts of the guys in here regarding seeking all the wrong kinds of guys. No matter how many things I have in common with a guy, it always seems there is the fatal flaw. One of four;

    1.) 1,000+ miles away
    2.) Confused
    3.) Unavailable in one way or another, emotionally, mentally, still attached to an ex, etc.
    4.) Neurotic - not meant in a negative sense at all, but still approaching life with a dysfunctional approach learned from previous severe abuse of one sort or another.

    I have one of the biggest hearts you will ever find in a human being, I care no matter how well I know them. Often times I care too much to my own detriment, but I know its the only way to live a happy life. With that said I've also had enough experience to know that you can't be both someones lover and someones doctor.

    What gives? Anyone have any insight to share....

    Clueless in SD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 11:23 AM GMT
    YngHungSFSD said

    I have one of the biggest hearts you will ever find in a human being, I care no matter how well I know them. Often times I care too much to my own detriment, but I know its the only way to live a happy life. With that said I've also had enough experience to know that you can't be both someones lover and someones doctor.

    What gives? Anyone have any insight to share....

    Clueless in SD



    i can relate, i think i mentioned this in another thread too, i have what my Nursing friends and i have called "Florence Nightingale" syndrome. we gravitate toward guys who need "help" or "rescuing" of some sort.

    perhaps your big heart leads you to these guys, and you in turn want to reach out to them and help them through, or maybe just be that beacon for them. again, it all goes back to having that huge heart. i certainly follow your thought process.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 02, 2008 11:41 AM GMT
    It's true...
    you can never fix something in someone else
    if you understand that from the get go
    it'll save a lot of time and pain
    But...
    that being said you're never going to get a custom fit in an off the rack world
    How's that for a gay metaphor? icon_rolleyes.gif
    with every relationship there are some compromises that need to be made
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Aug 02, 2008 2:29 PM GMT
    I'm never sure if this is a good thing to do or not, but is it possible to hold yourself back a little, till you've figured out what all of the deal breakers are?

    If you start seeing/talking to a guy, can you make sure that he's not confused (and is honest about that) before you form a strong connection with him?
    Can you probe him further about his exes, or what prescription medication he's on? Find out about his neuroses?

    My personal defense mechanism is to hold myself back, till I know enough about the other person. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Holding yourself back can create other problems for you (not quite as exciting, maybe you never fall as deep in love, maybe it's not quite as thrilling at the beginning), but you've got problems no matter what; I think it's just a question of which ones do you want to deal with?

    I guess another question is whether or not you are actually attracted to the circumstances that you listed. Do you like the drama and excitement of being attracted to guys that live far away, are confused, unavailable or neurotic? Nothing wrong with that, if that is the case; just good to be aware of.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 2:43 PM GMT
    Well, I don't really know what I want... so I don't look for anything.
    I'm the kind of person who would wait his whole life to get into a serious relationship if he doesn't find someone right.. and how do I know he's right? I don't. So far I haven't encountered such species icon_biggrin.gif But I hope I'll know when the time's right and the guy's right...

    So I can't tell you how to know who's right and who's not, because from my point there are no right people... I guess it's up to you to decide if you're gonna put your heart on the table or stand back and spend your life waiting icon_smile.gif Honestly I don't know which one's better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 4:13 PM GMT
    That's an interesting list. I think you'll find many men share this same predicament. Both of us went through this before we met.

    The self-possessed, the needy, the rich, the poor, the physically superior and the inferior all can come in one or more of those four categories. The difference is how they handled or are handling it.

    I had thrown up my hands in despair before meeting Bill, but was told by a psychologist not to let events, circumstances or people define myself or how I conducted myself. This included what I found attractive in a person. However, as a caveat, he said that when someone said they were confused or screwed up, cold or unemotional etc, to take them literally, at face value and if you feel like it, walk. Otherwise, he'd advised, you may become damaged in areas of self esteem surrounding judgement and self confidence. Thinking, for example, that

    "I always pick the wrong people." It could be the other way around!

    Also remember, and I (Doug) am not trying to insult those with problems hell we all have 'em, that honey attracts flies. So though putting your goodness out there is the right thing to do, as how can someone great recognise someone else great without it showing, you'll also be desireable to many who might be described as parasitical.

    ps in our years together, Bill and I HAVE been doctor to each other, but that came AFTER we were a committed couple.

    Gosh, I sure hope some of this helps!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    The people who are more likely to take advantage of your good nature are the ones clamoring for it. They are more visible and therefore you are going to spend more time with them. They will do whatever they can to keep you hooked or coming back for more. However, these people burn out friends, family, and partners. They move onto someone new as soon as the current person takes a stand with them.

    Think about the people who would appreciate you and what you do for them. They don't need your attention and won't make it a condition of your relationship. They will like you for who you are and not place demands on you. Most of all, they've worked through their issues and won't bring them to a new relationship.

    I've thought about creating a tee-shirt that says, "I'm not your ex" (part of item 4 on your list). I've used that statement with my boyfriend because there are times previous relationships have affected ours. I also remind myself not to bring the past into present relationships and to focus on today - what is right there in front of me.

    However, being a human being who acknowledges his feelings will open you to being hurt, which is a big part of life. Pain teaches us a whole lot more than pleasure does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 5:16 PM GMT
    lissenup said...

    I've thought about creating a tee-shirt that says, "I'm not your ex" (part of item 4 on your list). I've used that statement with my boyfriend because there are times previous relationships have affected ours. I also remind myself not to bring the past into present relationships and to focus on today - what is right there in front of me.

    ...


    LOL...I'll buy one!!!

    Number 3 is the worst for me. It eats me alive when a guy just cant open up past the first two weeks. 1 you cant change, 2 (unless you're talking about sexuality) is pretty much all of us on different levels that we all either deal with or let it take over our lives and turn into 4, which should be pretty obvious from the beginning.

    Hey, we're young, you're hung, and we'll all be just fine. We have plenty of time to wind something wonderful. Just don't settle!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 5:24 PM GMT
    looknrnd said
    lissenup said...

    I've thought about creating a tee-shirt that says, "I'm not your ex" (part of item 4 on your list). I've used that statement with my boyfriend because there are times previous relationships have affected ours. I also remind myself not to bring the past into present relationships and to focus on today - what is right there in front of me.

    ...


    LOL...I'll buy one!!!


    That'll be $29.99.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 5:27 PM GMT
    P.S. YngHungSFSD, have you thought about volunteering? It's a good way to relieve those pesky icon_wink.gif altruistic feelings in a structured way! And people appreciate the help as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 5:33 PM GMT
    Of course everybody is 1000+ miles away. You live in fucking SOUTH DAKOTA! For god's sakes, man, get the hell out of there! My god! What could be worse than South Dakota...other than maybe NORTH Dakota .... Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and any of those other fly-over states!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 5:46 PM GMT
    Caslon5000 saidOf course everybody is 1000+ miles away. You live in fucking SOUTH DAKOTA! For god's sakes, man, get the hell out of there! My god! What could be worse than South Dakota...other than maybe NORTH Dakota .... Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and any of those other fly-over states!


    Oh I love your sensitivity Caslon! Well, let's see, if you move to the SF bay area, you wouldn't be 1000 miles away! LOL Isn't it funny that someone who's looking for someone with a big heart, can't find them and someone with a big heart can't find another....hmmmmm. Perhaps we need another category in the profile for big hearts!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 6:06 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    Caslon5000 saidOf course everybody is 1000+ miles away. You live in fucking SOUTH DAKOTA! For god's sakes, man, get the hell out of there! My god! What could be worse than South Dakota...other than maybe NORTH Dakota .... Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and any of those other fly-over states!


    Oh I love your sensitivity Caslon! Well, let's see, if you move to the SF bay area, you wouldn't be 1000 miles away! LOL Isn't it funny that someone who's looking for someone with a big heart, can't find them and someone with a big heart can't find another....hmmmmm. Perhaps we need another category in the profile for big hearts!

    what?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 6:09 PM GMT
    lissenup said
    looknrnd said
    lissenup said...

    ...


    LOL...I'll buy one!!!


    That'll be $29.99.



    Will you accept a wire from my Nigerian bank account?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 02, 2008 9:06 PM GMT
    Thanks guys a lot of great comments here. I will definitely take one of those shirts man...you stumbled upon a gold mine.

    I am getting out of this state too. I have a contractual commitment to be here until May, but beyond that I'm so out of here...I've already started packin the uhaul in my mind.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 03, 2008 12:05 AM GMT
    You gotta wonder what all these defective dudes you have experienced think of your defects? Or are you the standard of perfection?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 03, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYou gotta wonder what all these defective dudes you have experienced think of your defects? Or are you the standard of perfection?


    To YngHungSFSD:

    I first read your post a few days ago and thought the same thing, but did not want to play devil's advocate (or succumb to my intuition) so quickly. In my experience you usually get the same results if you keep doing what you've always done. Additionally, it always helps to objectively evaluate oneself when attempting to arrive at the root of a problem--it's surprising what you might find on the inside.

    Apart from your "big heart," might there be something about you which needs some tweaking? Seriously, no one is that perfect.