I'm not attracted anymore!

  • Vittorrio

    Posts: 12

    Aug 02, 2008 12:48 PM GMT
    Hi all.
    I just wanted to ask a little advice.
    I've been with my partner for over 8 years, and things have been great so far. I'm just realising that I'm not attracted to him anymore.
    I'm slim and tend to keep myself in shape, whereas he is getting a beer belly and his hair is styled to something I'm really not keen on. It really does look awful!

    Lately, during sex I've found that he's really not doing it for me. I've even started to deflate sometimes.
    He's knows he's put on weight but thinks he can eat whatever I eat and not put it on. I've a great metabolism - he does not.

    Help! Can anyone give any advice?

    Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2008 1:05 PM GMT
    Try talking to him and telling him how you feel.

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    Aug 02, 2008 1:05 PM GMT
    sure, there's plenty of pretty boys to chase... good luck with that.

    We're all gonna get older, we're all gonna find our metablism has slowed, some will bald, some will wrinkle and/or gray early, some will go from a 30" waist to a 34" and some all before the age of 38.

    So, attraction is a must, but if all your going to chase is a pretty face or a body, you'll soon grow tired and probably find no one thinkin' you're looking "all that" anymore...

    You need to ask yourself what "substance" you are looking for in the relationship.
    In your case, I like think and hope that more than his belly has "deflated" your interest. Like maybe you are finding your collective iterests are changing and now, not only (I assume) are you the only one interested in staying fit, but you both don't share very many other common goals and interests in life.

    Regardless, it sounds like you'd be doing him a favor to move on. You seem to have made up your mind that it's over.

    Or you can talk to him and say, let's both get back to where we were, because for me somethings that attracted me to you are now missing or you seem to not care about any longer and I still want and enjoy those things.

    It's tough to do, but grow a pair and talk to him, not us strangers.

    Good Luck...
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 02, 2008 1:19 PM GMT
    This is what happens to a lot of couples after a while
    They start to take each other for granted
    I know all that better or for worse stuff
    But when you're in a relationship... it's an ongoing development
    People and interests change
    I also think that when you're a couple
    looking and being your best doesn't stop there
    it's down and out rude for one of you to think that by going paunchy and sloppy that you're all hunk-dorey with it
    If you want this guy... start working out TOGETHER and include him on the healthy changes in your life
    if he resists or you're not willing to go the extra mile
    time to say g'bye
  • Vittorrio

    Posts: 12

    Aug 02, 2008 1:47 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for the replies. Even the ones that told me what i really didn't want to hear.

    I think it's best to talk to him about it. If he shows no interest in bettering himself, well maybe it's the end of the road for us.

    As for meeting him when i was 20, and being with him for 8 years so far, I jusy fell head over heels. It was love at first sight. It obviously isn't all physical - there's no way to stretch that over 8 years.

    In some ways I like to think we've grown together, but in others i'm afraid we've grown apart.

    Thanks again for the advice.

    X
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    Aug 02, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    Once the attraction is gone, it's hard to ever get it back...if ever.
    In my past relationship, after about 10 years, the sexual attraction virtually disappeared. What remained was an affection we had for the other, which turned out to be more important to our relationship than the sexual part of it. We did talk about our lack of sexual attraction...it was mutual and we admitted it. But the affection remained and well, that worked for us for several more years...when I started to sense the affection was disappearing, I knew then, it was time to let go....and I did.
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    Aug 02, 2008 6:10 PM GMT
    joescorpio1970 saidTry talking to him and telling him how you feel.



    Oh Joe better advice than "Judge Judy"
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    Aug 02, 2008 6:16 PM GMT
    8 years is a lot of time and love invested.
    You guys should work on this SOON before it gets unmanageable.....don't wait. Where there is a will, there is a way.

    You may discover that there is more going on other than the belly stuff....otehr issues.

    Still, men are men and the visual is very important for the Johnson to work well.

    Don't know the dynamics of your relationship...but maybe you should have a few good romps with some hotties to recharge your batteries. But don't lie about it to your partner and don't use it as a weapon and do it to "teach him a lesson". Be honest, not vindictive.

    Then go home and be reminded of who is always there for you....who cooks you dinner, and who loves you.
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    Aug 02, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    Let me ask you a question. If you guys are eating the same things and he's putting on then that stuff probably isn't healthy for either one of you. Is there a possibility that you could cook, carry out or dine healthier? Hair can be changed, you should have developed good enough communication skills to let him know his hair style isn't accentuating his strong features.

    I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, but this stuff sounds so trivial to me. If you've just fallen out of love for him, then that's a different story I guess.
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    Aug 02, 2008 6:26 PM GMT

    .............mansoncrossingguard.jpg

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T the man.

    All I've heard here really are very shallow complaints. Bad hair and a beer gut can be cured EASILY. Now, if this partner were abusive or unfaithful, on drugs, or chronically unemployed I could understand your wavering better. However, this is an eight year relationship with a partner you love and I'm hearing doubt over a few extra pounds and some bad hair??? I don't understand that. The wrong person is writing this thread. Your partner should be the one wondering if his man is mature enough and loves him enough to communicate, understand, and stand by him through the good and the fat. Seriously, he can lose the weight and he can change his hair. Don't terminate such a significant relationship for such superficial reasons.

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    Aug 02, 2008 6:47 PM GMT
    Vittorrio> He's knows he's put on weight but thinks he can eat whatever I eat

    GuiltyGear> Seriously, he can lose the weight and he can change his hair. Don't terminate such a significant relationship for such superficial reasons.

    Do you think these could be the symptoms of deeper problems? Perhaps an "attitude"? For example, "it's my hair and I'll do with it what I want, I don't care what you like, as if you even know anything about trendiness and hair."
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    Aug 02, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    One of my biggest pet-peeves is when someone has a problem with something they don't try to change. If he has a beer belly and YOU have a problem with it because he can't eat what you can eat...maybe you should change your diet as well. I would dare someone to tell me the have a problem with what I eat/how my body looks then they eat the same thing...especially when it's their problem with me, not my problem. Try working on that at first. The hair thing is much more simple...talk to him about it. Throwing out an 8 year relationship over a stomach and hair is almost as shallow as it can go. Maybe those two things have just become scapegoats for other problems you have with him and that's the easiest way you see to resolve things...by blaming things on the surface.
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    Aug 02, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear makes a good point: " Don't terminate such a significant relationship for superficial reasons."

    Five years ago I walked on a 14 year relationship. I still believe that moving on was the right thing for me to do. HOWEVER, I realize the reasons I left were just the symptomatic ones, and not the true reasons for my 'discontent.'

    I venture to say the hair and beergut stuff are likely symptoms of something deeper going on for one or both of you. The truth is, they CAN be addressed IF you honestly care enough to do so.

    So, is your concern really that simple? What is REALLY going on between you two? And do you care enough to figure it out together?

    No need to answer that here, publicly. Just think about it. Eight years is a very significant investment of time, trust and love. Don't act in haste. Follow your heart. Be courageous - call upon expert help to assist you in understanding this fully.

    I wish you all the best.

    PM8
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Aug 02, 2008 7:16 PM GMT
    I'm with Caesarea4. Sounds like there are other issues going on, and this is the most obvious.
    For me, looks aren't that important. Looks can be a fairly good sign of other things. If someone isn't paying attention to what they eat, or how they are treating their body, their looks can start to suffer. For me, the looks wouldn't be the unattractive part; the lack of caring for their body would be.

    I think the suggestions about changing the way you eat and trying to be encouraging are great. I wouldn't waste time trying to change him though. That's wasted energy, and he will just resent you for it.

    I also have tried to change my eating habits before to go with my partner. I didn't particularly enjoy it. As I am usually pretty skinny, I try to eat more calories than I need to put on weight. This means eating bagels, among other things. He's trying to lose weight, so even having bagels in the house is a bad idea, because it means he'll be tempted to eat them. What I don't enjoy about trying to eat in a style that's conducive to him losing weight is that I have to lose weight too, or I have to eat out or when he's not around. It's also frustrating for him to see me eating stuff that he wants to eat and can't. Something else that sucked about it is that if I try to change my eating habits to make things easier for me, he doesn't notice sometimes, which makes me feel unappreciated, because I didn't really want to change my eating habits in the first place.

    We managed to find a balance somewhere along the way a few years ago, and both eat a lot healthier than we used to, but it was tough sometimes.

    Back onto the topic...

    Is it possible he's depressed? Or that he has low self-esteem issues, and he's going out of his way to make himself unattractive, because he feels unworthy of your affection? Is he prone to self-destructive behavior in other areas of his life? Is it possible that he's kind of checked out of the relationship already, and this is his way of pushing it onto you?
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    Aug 02, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
    Hey Vittorio,

    I would go to see a psychologist now.
    Best situation is both going together after talking about it first. A psychiatrist will not be overly helpful, being more of an observer; therapy where the patient comes to his own conclusions with minimal input. Psychology is very interactive.

    The reason I say this is that at about 7 or 8 years it is NORMAL to have doubts - heck, anytime doubts come into play is normal.

    We went through ours, or I did at about 11 years, which makes me cringe in shame, feel gulpingly terrified (suppose I'd left!) but superbly happy (having gotten assistance).

    What happened? Nothing other than Bill just being Bill and me becoming over-sensitive. I had doubts.

    The psychologist, after only a couple of sessions, looked at me and said,

    "Ok, I always believe that we should think things all the way through, follow trains of thought and take them to their logical conclusion. Let's see the future here. You, Doug, have now moved out and you have your own place and Bill here is on his own with a place downtown. Relax for a moment, and float in this a bit. Now, how do you feel?"

    " Oh God," I said, starting to cry, " I could never do that because it would hurt Bill and I'm..in...love.....with........him"

    I was sobbing heavily now and half laughing, too!

    The sun had just come up over my personal horizon and spring to the desert in my soul.

    That's an example of cognitive behavioural therapy. My little pool of doubt drained itself dry with a resounding slurp. Bill has never doubted, ever. Consequently I often realize how damn fortunate I am, and on occasion, when he's not looking, get teary-eyed and humble.

    -Doug
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    Aug 02, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
    Ya know I have been on realjock before and have gotten aggravated at the forums sometimes, but...

    Advice like all of you have given this man...to stick it out and work out his problems is what makes me come back to realjock everytime. I dont know of another site like this one.

    There are all these beautiful, gorgeous men on here and yes they love, are monogamous and take their relationships seriously. And more than that they take the time to help give others advice to.

    It makes me proud to be a part of this site and really value the advice given by you guys...

    most of the guys on here are real stand up guys and I would be proud to call any of you my friend.
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    Aug 02, 2008 9:46 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    .............mansoncrossingguard.jpg

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T the man.

    All I've heard here really are very shallow complaints. Bad hair and a beer gut can be cured EASILY. Now, if this partner were abusive or unfaithful, on drugs, or chronically unemployed I could understand your wavering better. However, this is an eight year relationship with a partner you love and I'm hearing doubt over a few extra pounds and some bad hair??? I don't understand that. The wrong person is writing this thread. Your partner should be the one wondering if his man is mature enough and loves him enough to communicate, understand, and stand by him through the good and the fat. Seriously, he can lose the weight and he can change his hair. Don't terminate such a significant relationship for such superficial reasons.



    This is an example of what i am talking about. We have guys like guilty on here that look amazing and could very easily have an ego and tell vittorrio to find some other hot stud...but no. He tells him to stick it out for love! And not be superficial!

    Wow, that goes against alot of stereotypes there doesnt it? It speaks volumes of the guy character on here and what an amazing group of guys they are...

    kudos to you "guilty" your A1 in my book.
  • Vittorrio

    Posts: 12

    Aug 02, 2008 9:51 PM GMT
    Hey guys
    Thanks again for the replies.

    Just to answer a few of your concerns/questions-
    It's not that I'm falling out of love with him. I still love him deeply. I couldn't imagine my life without him. It's not that i NEED him. It's not that kind of love. It's more that I WANT him to be be with me.
    But the way I look at it is, I'm starting to become unattracted to him. Physically.
    I just want him to feel that he only has one body and I'd like him to take care of it, so as he can be on this Earth as long as possible - in good health.

    After reading some of your advice I did a little research into his belly (on this very good site).
    I came across an article on how stress and lack of sleep can affect weight gain. He is stressed. And I really want to help him with this. Then I remembered that exercise can help deal with stress.

    I suggests this to him and now I think we're on our way to buying our first treadmill! I really want this to work.

    I'm not being superficial as some have suggested, I only want him to be in my life as long as possible. If he is fitter, I hope I can become physically attracted to him again. I don't want a sexless relationship with him. I want to get close to him all the time. But then I see the belly. For me, it's just a turn off.

    As for eating the same things, I can't afford to lose anymore weight. A few years ago I lost 2 stone with no explaination. Many Doctors and specialists and MANY blood tests later, still no explaination.
    So far, weight is staying on. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

    But back to the topic in question -
    hopefully, we can get on track again.

    Thanks again for all the great advice. I think we're getting somewhere.
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    Aug 02, 2008 9:56 PM GMT
    redbull said
    GuiltyGear said
    .............mansoncrossingguard.jpg

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T the man.

    All I've heard here really are very shallow complaints. Bad hair and a beer gut can be cured EASILY. Now, if this partner were abusive or unfaithful, on drugs, or chronically unemployed I could understand your wavering better. However, this is an eight year relationship with a partner you love and I'm hearing doubt over a few extra pounds and some bad hair??? I don't understand that. The wrong person is writing this thread. Your partner should be the one wondering if his man is mature enough and loves him enough to communicate, understand, and stand by him through the good and the fat. Seriously, he can lose the weight and he can change his hair. Don't terminate such a significant relationship for such superficial reasons.



    This is an example of what i am talking about. We have guys like guilty on here that look amazing and could very easily have an ego and tell vittorrio to find some other hot stud...but no. He tells him to stick it out for love! And not be superficial!

    Wow, that goes against alot of stereotypes there doesnt it? It speaks volumes of the guy character on here and what an amazing group of guys they are...

    kudos to you "guilty" your A1 in my book.


    One of my long term partners, is now 50+. He was not this age almost 20 years ago. His skin sags a bit, and he still has no grey hair, as it's all fallen out.

    Yet he's still tall, educated, and kind.
    I'll give him a few more years. Then put him into aged care.
  • Vittorrio

    Posts: 12

    Aug 02, 2008 10:02 PM GMT

    "I'll give him a few more years. Then put him into aged care."

    Thanks for adding humour to this post.
    That mad me laugh!
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    Aug 02, 2008 10:20 PM GMT
    Strictly my opinion, but....just remember...

    You can't change him. We can only change ourselves...the minute a man starts trying to mold me into something I'm not or I was, but am no longer, is the minute I say "Enough" and walk away....

    If he wants to lose weight and get back in shape, that's one thing, but to have some other person tell me "Lose weight and I'll find you sexually attractive again" is just way wrong...

    I still firmly believe you could be with the hottest guy in the world, but after a period of time, that "heat" is gonna be replaced with "ho-hum"....if there is nothing there but sexual attraction, there ain't much to talk about...

    Love and Commitment are deeper than a "hot-body"...but sometimes love isn't enough to keep two people together for a lifetime.
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    Aug 02, 2008 10:30 PM GMT

    redbull said

    This is an example of what i am talking about. We have guys like guilty on here that look amazing.


    OMG! thankyou. Photobucket

    It is really nice to be recognized for the sensitive, elegant, and down to Earth.....man that I am. Muscles and dark features be damned, I believe in love and that love is worth fighting for. Because, as gay men, after a while, when the music stops, the bar closes, and we peal our pink spandex off...we need love
    (warts and all) waiting for us in bed, not just another gorgeous trick. The poster is a guy who has it now, he won't have to scramble about like the rest of us later. This is why his story affected me. I wish him the best.

    Thank you for the lovely post, RedBull. I hug at thee.
    ...............................Photobucket

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2008 1:52 AM GMT
    This is a tough one...on so many levels. 38 year LTR here. I have found it interesting in other threads that guys don't want to have sex on the first, second or third date...because they want to get to know the potential partner on other non-superficial levels; i.e., the sex is not that important. Here, we have a LTR of 8 years in which the OP states that the only thing wrong is the sex. I think all LTRs have eventual sexual wanings, and seven to eight years (and fifteen to sixteen years) is quite common. Maybe you should try some other sex variations, places, positions, toys, an extra partner, an open relationship, playing with others together...blindfolds would certainly hide the beer belly.

    Please try communication, counselling. The sex part is not the most important part of your relationship. Do you still love him? You've said that you do. Then it's worth the bullshit. You used to beat off; try it again to satisfy those sex urges. As long as he satisfies the others, you can handle it.
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    Aug 03, 2008 2:28 AM GMT


    WOW! and thanks for being here!
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    Aug 03, 2008 3:02 AM GMT

    Seeing as the sex is the problem, I would not suggest a third or an opening of the relationship. As to why, I offer a simple metaphor: if you've been eating bologna sandwiches for a month and one night you finally get a steak sandwich with extra cheese, are you really gonna want to go back to bologna? HELL NO!! I.E.,if the spouse is not and the third is hot, that's asking for a coup de grĂ¢ce for the relationship. Mind you, I have limited experience, but common sense and my little experience I do have tells me all this third and open stuff is for strong relationships. To me, only strenght among the partners keeps it a relationship because essentially, they are screwing other people. Only an unbreakable bond between the two can negate the connections they are making with others and reroute that energy to make itself stronger.

    I agree with Rugsby that you pleasure yourself until you can get pleasure from him again. I reiterate, getting pleasure from someone else before you can get pleasure from your spouse seems half done to me and could lead to a FAIL!