Open Relationships

  • friscoboy987

    Posts: 3

    Jul 01, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    So I'm having a bit of a dilemma in my relationship right now. My boyfriend has gone through stages where his libido goes down either from depression, stress, or some other factor. We opened the relationship once before, but we said no sex allowed. When I did fool around with other guys, it was just some wrestling and jerkin off.

    Again, there was no sex involved or kissing. I like both of us to be honest about these things, but when I told him he felt hurt and jealous, and of course I felt guilty. His libido is down at the moment, and he tells me that I could go ahead and do it if I want, but to not tell him anything. Now this I feel would be hard to do because like I said I like to be honest with my boyfriend. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel as males we have that need to have a release with other guys, and just leave it as that, leave them as strangers.

    Our relationship is awesome right now, we get along so well, but I don't know if I can go on without sex for more than a month. I know I might get battered by people here for trying to open my relationship, but like I said I think it's just something that exists in most males. I mean, why do you think so many guys cheat? I'm just trying to be honest about it. Any intakes guys?
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    Jul 01, 2012 8:00 AM GMT
    friscoboy987 said..."I feel as males we have that need to have a release with other guys, and just leave it as that, leave them as strangers"


    Although i don't understand your above statement and i highly dissapprove the generalization, it is kind of you that you are a honest person but if your partner is not happy with what you are doing then please don't do it or move on if you have a temptation to have sex at any cost(even at the cost of ruining your beautiful relationship for which everyone is after to be in a beautiful relationship and waiting for so many years and many others who are still waiting to meet their beloved. If you already have a beautiful one, why ruin it? Love & Relationship are so fragile.So please secure it only if you feel like at any cost.)

    Quotes from your post

    [quote]"Our relationship is awesome right now, we get along so well", [/quote]
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jul 01, 2012 3:10 PM GMT
    What's the dilemma? If he's given you permission to fool around with other guys but doesn't want to hear about it, not telling him about your escapades isn't being dishonest; it's being considerate of his feelings.
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    Jul 01, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    slimnmuscly saidWhat's the dilemma? If he's given you permission to fool around with other guys but doesn't want to hear about it, not telling him about your escapades isn't being dishonest; it's being considerate of his feelings.
    ^ Words of wisdom.
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    Jul 01, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
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  • friscoboy987

    Posts: 3

    Jul 01, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    I think there gets to a point where masturbation is not enough. And ok yes, he DID give me permission, but he also would get hurt if I told him. So it's a bit of a contradiction, and like I said I like to be honest about things and I don't like to keep secrets. I only want sex with my partner, but I do get the temptation to jerk off with other guys. I don't want to feel guilty about that either, but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize my relationship.

    I'm not generalizing or applying this to tall males, but really just think about it. Why do you think so many gay men have open relationships? Why do you think so many str8 guys cheat on their girlfriends and wives? This is my OBSERVATION, but I'm starting to believe that most men are not programmed for monogamy. Of course, the guy should discuss this with his partner before venturing out, because if he does not then I consider that cheating. Most people, especially women, take this as a difficult concept to understand because they are filled with Emotions. Conversely, most men can have sex or even jerk off with another guy or woman, and the guy will just leave it at that, it won't mean anything whatsoever. I know this is a controversial issue, but this is just my observation. I am taking people's responses into consideration, so thanks for the people above who responded.
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    Jul 01, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    friscoboy987 saidSo I'm having a bit of a dilemma in my relationship right now. My boyfriend has gone through stages where his libido goes down either from depression, stress, or some other factor. We opened the relationship once before, but we said no sex allowed. When I did fool around with other guys, it was just some wrestling and jerkin off.

    Again, there was no sex involved or kissing. I like both of us to be honest about these things, but when I told him he felt hurt and jealous, and of course I felt guilty. His libido is down at the moment, and he tells me that I could go ahead and do it if I want, but to not tell him anything. Now this I feel would be hard to do because like I said I like to be honest with my boyfriend. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel as males we have that need to have a release with other guys, and just leave it as that, leave them as strangers.

    Our relationship is awesome right now, we get along so well, but I don't know if I can go on without sex for more than a month. I know I might get battered by people here for trying to open my relationship, but like I said I think it's just something that exists in most males. I mean, why do you think so many guys cheat? I'm just trying to be honest about it. Any intakes guys?


    You decide what is right for you.Open relationships are right for some,not for others.Thats a discussion you need to have with your partner and the fact that both of you are talking about this is a good sign.Communication no matter how touchy a subject is a huge plus.
    The whole issue of 'monogamy' among gay men opens up a can of worms.I can only answer for myself and say that I am constantly amazed at how deluded most gay men can be......but then again to be fair when looking at the hetersosexual couples I know that are still together[very few] I don't think any of them are happy.The ones that broke up all did because the guy had something on the side.And yes I know women can have something on the side as well-but it usually is men who stray most.
    Just my jaded two cents-
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jul 01, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    friscoboy987 saidI think there gets to a point where masturbation is not enough. And ok yes, he DID give me permission, but he also would get hurt if I told him. So it's a bit of a contradiction, and like I said I like to be honest about things and I don't like to keep secrets. I only want sex with my partner, but I do get the temptation to jerk off with other guys. I don't want to feel guilty about that either, but at the same time I don't want to jeopardize my relationship.


    What he's doing is compromising. He knows that you jerking off with other guys is an extremely safe way to address your needs in a way that he currently can't, but it's natural, especially given the cultural programming around monogamy, not to want to know the details.

    He's being considerate of your needs and asking that you be considerate of his in return. If you decide opening the relationship isn't the right thing to do now, keep in mind that letting the status quo continue will also jeopardize it. So you'll have to keep trying to find solutions if this isn't the one.

    On another note, are his libido problems related to medication he's taking for depression, and/or has he had his testosterone levels levels checked, etc.? Are you able to work on restoring his libido together without his feeling pressured by you? That seems like a good idea whether you open the relationship or not.
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    Jul 01, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    When I see open relationship discussions and the word "stress", I wonder if he's started taking a SSRI drug called "Lexapro" or "Celexa". These drugs are great for stress management because they kill your ability to obsess over something.

    Lexapro works great. But, the side effect is it tends to also disable the mental focus needed to build an orgasm. And, you must wean yourself off...very...slowly.

    Don't ask me why I know these things.icon_rolleyes.gificon_redface.gificon_sad.gificon_eek.gif
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    Jul 01, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERE"On another note, are his libido problems related to medication he's taking for depression, and/or has he had his testosterone levels levels checked, etc.? Are you able to work on restoring his libido together without his feeling pressured by you? That seems like a good idea whether you open the relationship or not."


    This - and - can he take anything (pill) that could help his libido? Is he seeing a therapist and has a GP that knows him? Important factors.
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    Jul 01, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    I'm curious also if he started taking beta-blockers for blood pressure.

    Good news is regardless of your BMI or caffeine intake, your blood pressure stays normal.

    Bad news, it sells Viagra.

    Not sure if they're safe to use simultaneously either.

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    Jul 01, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    Saw the movie "3 Day Weekend" on NetFlix recently. Situations and relationships that seem realistic, though not 'regular.'
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    Jul 01, 2012 10:30 PM GMT
    WholeNewMan saidIf it feels wrong to you, it feels wrong to you. No amount of advice from others will enable you to talk yourself into feeling something other than what you feel.
    That last sentence is incorrect. If it weren't, I'd still think the word "dang" will send your goddamn ass straight to fucking hell.

    <-- Raised Church Of Christ.
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    Jul 02, 2012 6:39 AM GMT
    What's the problem?
    He gave you permission. He just doesn't want the report (or video).
    That's not cheating when he gives you permission. And ihaving an open relationship doesn't mean he has to hear all the details.