online dating, out of the loop

  • elephantgun

    Posts: 4

    Jul 03, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    I use gay meeting sites (mostly a4a) to connect with guys in my area (mid-size, midwest city), but lately I've been thinking that's not such a good idea. I know people primarily use these sites to hook up, but of course plenty still claim to be looking for friends as well.

    I've met enough guys this way not to have unrealistic expectations--in fact, whenever I meet someone, I go into it without any expectations whatsoever. Lately though, a series of disappointments has taken its toll.

    I've been stood up, a few times--by guys who agreed to meet me and then stopped all communication just short of setting up a time. I've talked to guys who seem to only want to meet me if it's at their apartment, late at night--which I refuse to do, because of a previous bad experience. I hung out with a guy regularly for a couple weeks two months ago, but I think he lost interest in me when he figured out for sure that our relationship wouldn't become sexual. And so on...

    So even though I'm trying to connect with people by using the internet, it's actually having the exact opposite effect of increasing my sense of isolation. I would like to find someone who enjoys my company for who I am and not what I have to offer physically, who's willing to do things with me outside of his apartment, or introduce me to his friends. But with just about every guy I've talked to in my area, I feel like I'm disposable--used for a minute, dumped, and not really worth getting to know.

    I'll probably delete my online profile by the end of the week. I guess the reason why I'm so bothered by this is that I feel like I'm missing out on something. The gay community of my city isn't very large; most guys know each other and see each other at the bars regularly. I don't go to the bars--I don't have anyone to go with--and even though I'm not that interested in drinking or going out, I feel like I'm missing out more on not having a network of gay friends, and therefore not having as much opportunity to meet potentially interesting guys. In short, I feel left out and stuck where I am.
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Jul 03, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    Online dating sites (including this one) are indeed likely to produce feelings of isolation if they don't lead to new connections in the real world - precisely because you're sitting alone at a computer.

    If we think about all the different ways in which we could meet new people (gay or straight), then the internet is one of several ways, and should probably only be used in proportion to the likelihood of meeting up with someone. So maybe about 20% of total 'socialising' time. Maybe you could use it in a systematic cycle - e.g. in one week you might go out to a bar, a friend's party, and a sports event and THEN spend an just an hour on the internet and try to schedule one new meeting in that time, followed by another few 'real world' events in the following week (and then one hour of internet).

    Use it as an additional tool - not the only one. Also think how people got to make connections before the advent of the web and mobile technology.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    gay men do not make friends with other gay men. They always have to be into you first. Gay rules.
  • ldnguy1

    Posts: 2

    Jul 04, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    Tritimium saidOnline dating sites (including this one) are indeed likely to produce feelings of isolation if they don't lead to new connections in the real world - precisely because you're sitting alone at a computer.


    I feel the same way - Not meeting who I'm looking for and feeling more isolated. Tritimium makes a good point. I'm finding I'm spending an enormous amount of time online.

    Thanks for the reality check.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Out in the "world" you meet and are attracted to people on a different level I feel.. via looks and personality...

    Virtual I've noticed a lot of people "Fill in the blanks" with a person they find visually attracted to. It ends up being either a big let down or too much to handle..

    I feel like someone you'd meet out in the "world" is out to have a good time and isn't cruising (altho in some cases this is wrong).. while the whole idea of getting online and going through pics of dudes is typically random and spur of the moment.. usually when one's dick is hard ;)


    Both have pros and cons...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    Another argument to use online dating websites less or as an additional tool, is - especially if you chat/send e-mails for a lil while with guys - I project stuff into them which is only a concept in my mind and which they then cannot fullfill,

    Of course, this might happen if you meet people in real life as well, but I find for myself, that I do that much more when "meeting" people through the Internet, because the "reality" part is less "real", so the potential to fill in with concepts is bigger. And this is getting more dangerous, longer this goes on without meeting the guy.
    So I make it up and then, of course, the disappointment is much bigger, than if I had met someone in "real life".