Why does it still hurt so much

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    Jul 04, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    So after a couple of months of talking to this guy online I kinda feel a very strong connection with this dude. He is actually a bit different compared to the image I have built him up to be inside my head, like, he is a bit more fem and younger than my Mr. Right or Mr. Right-now. But no matter, like, it's all good. So...we've had a lot of very deep convos and he is just an awesome guy. We talked about a lot of just really deep stuff that made me feel close to him and all that. The problem is he is very passive and kinda take-life-as-it-comes kinda lad. And kinda recently I learned that he has a (new) BF and as you can tell I am kinda crushed after learning that fact. Of course I wish him the best between him and his BF, as long as he is happy, and I try to convince myself that it is what I want, because what I want is for him to be happy and I thought, I will be happy as long as HE is happy. Also because it was the right thing to do.

    So.....it's been a few months and I thought I had moved on with my life and all that shit, but the problemo is that I still think about him for time to time, and whenever I do think of him, I am just overwhelmed with sadness and regret, and I just cannot understand why that it happened. How do I move on emotionally, and just forget about him? If such a thing as memory eraser exists, I would do it in a heartbeat, just so I do not have to feel like crap no more.

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    Jul 04, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    Did you ever tell him how you felt about him? And explicitly ask him how he felt about you?....Wait a minute- did you meet IRL, or has all the interaction been online ? If he is a take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy, could be that he was hoping you'd make a move or for things to develop further than they had by itself- which it doesn't seem to have done. Or perhaps that wasn't even on his mind.

    Maybe it's too late now (and maybe not), but you'll never know for sure and expedite emotional closure unless you ask him and get a frank answer.
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    Jul 04, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    Hapuna saidSo.....it's been a few months and I thought I had moved on with my life and all that shit, but the problemo is that I still think about him for time to time, and whenever I do think of him, I am just overwhelmed with sadness and regret, and I just cannot understand why that it happened.


    The main problemo is that you thought about him romantically at all... You've never, ever met someone until you actually, physically meet them.

    If it were me I would ask myself how I got so wrapped up in something that literally didn't exist. What's missing in my own life that I'm willing to be in pain about something that's basically imaginary.

    I think a lot of us do that at some point in our lives... invest so much - SO MUCH - in the idea of something that it begins to govern our heart as though it were an actual thing. But it's not. The hardest part is telling yourself, "That was never real. I didn't miss anything or lose anything. Because it wasn't real."
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    Jul 04, 2012 8:37 PM GMT
    METAMORPH saidDid you ever tell him how you felt about him?
    no. icon_sad.gif

    METAMORPH saidAnd explicitly ask him how he felt about you?....
    no.

    METAMORPH saidWait a minute- did you meet IRL, or has all the interaction been online ?
    Yeah but we have actually skyped and face-timed pretty regularly so it's not like it's something I build up in my head. Plus I figured he must've been interested in me or otherwise why would he kept the convo going. But now I think maybe he was just bored and he liked the attn.

    METAMORPH saidIf he is a take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy, could be that he was hoping you'd make a move or for things to develop further than they had by itself- which it doesn't seem to have done. Or perhaps that wasn't even on his mind.
    Well, or maybe as the convo went on I got stuck in the dreaded "friendship" zone? ahhhh!!!!!!

    METAMORPH saidMaybe it's too late now, but you'll never know for sure and expedite emotionally closure unless you ask him and get a frank answer.
    I suppose. I just would like to know if this is going to set myself up for further heartache? Because now it's just a little bit of dull ache but what if it's just an emotional drama that like, the Pandora's box gets opened that type of emotional roller coaster? I'm a delicate flower and I don't think I can take that kind of rejection icon_sad.gif


    I do have an important question though. If I keep on running from my feelings and not face it, will it get worse? Or by not paying attention to them, over time it will heal itself? What do you think is the best approach to it?
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    Jul 04, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    Hapuna saidSo.....it's been a few months and I thought I had moved on with my life and all that shit, but the problemo is that I still think about him for time to time, and whenever I do think of him, I am just overwhelmed with sadness and regret, and I just cannot understand why that it happened.


    The main problemo is that you thought about him romantically at all... You've never, ever met someone until you actually, physically meet them.

    If it were me I would ask myself how I got so wrapped up in something that literally didn't exist. What's missing in my own life that I'm willing to be in pain about something that's basically imaginary.

    I think a lot of us do that at some point in our lives... invest so much - SO MUCH - in the idea of something that it begins to govern our heart as though it were an actual thing. But it's not. The hardest part is telling yourself, "That was never real. I didn't miss anything or lose anything. Because it wasn't real."


    You are right Larkin. But I just dunno why....maybe I needed something to believe in.

    Le sigh
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    Jul 04, 2012 8:56 PM GMT
    Sorry for my inconsiderate cold hearted attitude about this, but I always LOL at people who get so caught up in someone they've never met that they get heartbroken when the person drops them. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 04, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    Hapuna said
    METAMORPH saidDid you ever tell him how you felt about him?
    no. icon_sad.gif

    METAMORPH saidAnd explicitly ask him how he felt about you?....
    no.

    METAMORPH saidWait a minute- did you meet IRL, or has all the interaction been online ?
    Yeah but we have actually skyped and face-timed pretty regularly so it's not like it's something I build up in my head. Plus I figured he must've been interested in me or otherwise why would he kept the convo going. But now I think maybe he was just bored and he liked the attn.

    METAMORPH saidIf he is a take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy, could be that he was hoping you'd make a move or for things to develop further than they had by itself- which it doesn't seem to have done. Or perhaps that wasn't even on his mind.
    Well, or maybe as the convo went on I got stuck in the dreaded "friendship" zone? ahhhh!!!!!!

    METAMORPH saidMaybe it's too late now, but you'll never know for sure and expedite emotionally closure unless you ask him and get a frank answer.
    I suppose. I just would like to know if this is going to set myself up for further heartache? Because now it's just a little bit of dull ache but what if it's just an emotional drama that like, the Pandora's box gets opened that type of emotional roller coaster? I'm a delicate flower and I don't think I can take that kind of rejection icon_sad.gif


    I do have an important question though. If I keep on running from my feelings and not face it, will it get worse? Or by not paying attention to them, over time it will heal itself? What do you think is the best approach to it?



    Ah OK, gotcha.

    Yeah, from what you say, it does sound as though he simply enjoyed your conversation, but it sounds as if that was as far as it went in the dude's eyes (unless there is something else you haven't mentioned).

    I know I often enjoy chatting with interesting people online, with no sexual or romantic feelings on my side. Sometimes we project our feelings/desires onto others through no fault of their own, but, eventually we learn from it.

    In reply to your question, it's far healthier (albeit usually harder for most people) to deal with your feelings head-on as opposed to suppressing them, which encourages them to fester over time at the detriment of your emotional well being, as opposed to the initial spikes of pain in facing them .

    I think Larkin made some great points.

    I've found that meeting new people and expanding my social circle/outside-activities really helps with getting over somebody.

    All the best.
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    Jul 04, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidSorry for my inconsiderate cold hearted attitude about this, but I always LOL at people who get so caught up in someone they've never met that they get heartbroken when the person drops them. icon_lol.gif


    That was cold

    guy-crying-gif-i14.gif
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    Jul 04, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    METAMORPH said
    Hapuna said
    METAMORPH saidDid you ever tell him how you felt about him?
    no. icon_sad.gif

    METAMORPH saidAnd explicitly ask him how he felt about you?....
    no.

    METAMORPH saidWait a minute- did you meet IRL, or has all the interaction been online ?
    Yeah but we have actually skyped and face-timed pretty regularly so it's not like it's something I build up in my head. Plus I figured he must've been interested in me or otherwise why would he kept the convo going. But now I think maybe he was just bored and he liked the attn.

    METAMORPH saidIf he is a take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy, could be that he was hoping you'd make a move or for things to develop further than they had by itself- which it doesn't seem to have done. Or perhaps that wasn't even on his mind.
    Well, or maybe as the convo went on I got stuck in the dreaded "friendship" zone? ahhhh!!!!!!

    METAMORPH saidMaybe it's too late now, but you'll never know for sure and expedite emotionally closure unless you ask him and get a frank answer.
    I suppose. I just would like to know if this is going to set myself up for further heartache? Because now it's just a little bit of dull ache but what if it's just an emotional drama that like, the Pandora's box gets opened that type of emotional roller coaster? I'm a delicate flower and I don't think I can take that kind of rejection icon_sad.gif


    I do have an important question though. If I keep on running from my feelings and not face it, will it get worse? Or by not paying attention to them, over time it will heal itself? What do you think is the best approach to it?



    Ah OK, gotcha.

    Yeah, from what you say, it does sound as though he simply enjoyed your conversation, but it sounds as if that was as far as it went in the dude's eyes (unless there is something else you haven't mentioned).

    I know I often enjoy chatting with interesting people online, with no sexual or romantic feelings on my side. Sometimes we project our feelings/desires onto others through no fault of their own, but, eventually we learn from it.

    In reply to your question, it's far healthier (albeit usually harder for most people) to deal with your feelings head-on as opposed to suppressing them, which encourages them to fester over time at the detriment of your emotional well being, as opposed to the initial spikes of pain of facing them .

    I think Larkin made some great points.

    I've found that meeting new people and expanding my social circle/outside-activities really helps with getting over somebody.

    All the best.


    Thanks. I think I will send him a long facebook mail and allow him to know what I used to feel, although it's not as strong as it used to be. It might be jarring but I think in the long run it will be healthier for me, and will also make me stronger.

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    Jul 05, 2012 1:04 AM GMT
    I was in a long term relationship (ended after 13 years), so I know that it's hard to move on. My best advice is just to feel the emotions of missing him when they come, acknowledge them, be proud that you've been able to move on, take care of yourself when you need to, take a deep breath and move on.

    It has been five years for me, and I can promise you that it does get easier.

    Do you think there's a possibility that you miss the connection you had with him more than actually missing him? If so, your feelings will change when you make another connection with someone new. And, let's face it, you owe it to yourself to find that feeling with someone else. Good luck, man!!
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    Jul 05, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    itstuesday saidI was in a long term relationship (ended after 13 years), so I know that it's hard to move on. My best advice is just to feel the emotions of missing him when they come, acknowledge them, be proud that you've been able to move on, take care of yourself when you need to, take a deep breath and move on.

    It has been five years for me, and I can promise you that it does get easier.

    Do you think there's a possibility that you miss the connection you had with him more than actually missing him? If so, your feelings will change when you make another connection with someone new. And, let's face it, you owe it to yourself to find that feeling with someone else. Good luck, man!!


    That was.....so beautiful. I really liked it. thx!

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    Jul 05, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    waimea dramatic thread is waimea and dramatic
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    Jul 05, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    Hapuna said
    paulflexes saidSorry for my inconsiderate cold hearted attitude about this, but I always LOL at people who get so caught up in someone they've never met that they get heartbroken when the person drops them. icon_lol.gif


    That was cold

    guy-crying-gif-i14.gif
    At least you chose a picture of a hot guy to post. icon_biggrin.gif