As much as I like my parents...

  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 05, 2012 11:12 PM GMT
    I don't feel they want what's really best for me. They seem to desire what they want. They want me to stay in the closet "to be safe". My mom tries to act all innocent, but she keeps trying to manipulate me to try pursuing girls when I'm away at college. Really, it's something I feel I have to force myself to experience just to please my family and others around me. Of course, I can tell they just want me to end up with a girl for their own selfish reasons. For instance, my mom wants to have grandchildren which she said is the reason she would hope for me to marry a girl. When I try to meet up with guys or meet with guys I like, she tells me "I'm rushing life". Um, no im not. I just know what I want and I work hard to get it.

    Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate what my parents have done for me, but I guess this one of those things that divides us. My sister believes that because I dated a girl in high school, that she thinks I must be bi and can find attraction in girls too. It wasn't a good relationship though. I didn't really like it. We never did it, but I never wanted to either. The thing is, when I see hot guys, I feel turned on and would have sex with them if they asked. When I see an attractive girl, yeah I admire her looks, but don't really want to do anything with her. My parents won't let me meet guys in person from the internet, and they don't want me to come out because it's "dangerous", and my mom doesn't want me telling people I'm gay because then girls won't like me. I feel they're manipulating me to be the person they want, but I know I won't meet their expectations. Anyone else have problems with their parents trying to force dating girls on them?
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    Jul 05, 2012 11:20 PM GMT
    Your parents have done things for you because they had to. It's a legal and moral responsibility of theirs to raise you. You don't owe them anything.

    She's being selfish. Parents are supposed to want what makes their kids happy over what makes themselves happy. Her mistake was assuming that she'd have grandkids. Even if you were straight, you have the option of not having kids. She has no say in the matter.
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    Jul 05, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    I get where you are coming from I had..no I HAVE the same issue with my dad. He acts as if I am straight and when other family members assumes he just goes with it. He acts as if I never came out.

    I know it is so hard, because you feel there is a seperation from your parents, and it can turn into resentment. i recently went off on my dad about it.

    I want you to be happy and I am so sorry you have to deal with it, but I suggest that you sit them down and truly tell them how you feel and let them know you wont change, you cant and if they love you they will deal. My mom always knew waaaaay before my dad but sadly she died before I could do that.

    It can be hard and you can feel alone, but you are not. Your parents do love you they are scared for you. I think deep down they are more scared than anything else. let's face it even now gays have it hard, there is something in the news everyday about suicide, bullying, murder..so just be patient as well.

    In the meantime find friends who will support you, if you are afraid to go out and meet some than stay here..there are some great people who will be there for you.

    I feel like Im about to cry just typing this, but I am sure it will work out, but you have to understand one thing as well.

    Your mom and dad are not gay and you are probably their first child to be like that. Don't expect them to be pros, or understand it so quickly, we as gays don't usually accept it right away so how can we expect our parents/friends etc to.

    Be patient, but speak on it as well. Keep communication open but don't let it get you down.i let my dad ignore it, and I seperated myself and now when he is not around I feel..relief, it should not be like that.So please just keep talking and expressing yourself but in a calm manner. I wish you the best my friend.
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    Jul 06, 2012 4:54 AM GMT
    Tell your mom straight up..what she is asking you to do can potentially destroy some poor girls life..you have to put your foot down!..but don't forget that's your mom..do it respectfully..hugzicon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 06, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    easterndude69 saidI don't feel they want what's really best for me. They seem to desire what they want. They want me to stay in the closet "to be safe".
    Welcome to the club. I've been out over 20 years and my mom still thinks that way.

    It sucks baws (not balls, cause that could be fun). But you can overcome it (sorta) if you learn to put your foot down...in a firm but non-threatening way.
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    Jul 06, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    My mom called me on the phone the other day and she's like where's that vinaigrette dressing I bought the other day oh here it is bye.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 06, 2012 7:35 AM GMT
    Your family is acting out of ignorance.
    For your own sake, you need to tell your family members plainly, that you are not attracted to girls.
    If they persist, tell them to stop it.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 06, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    You're gay - and I read that you have told that to your mom. She probably does not believe you (or thinks you may not know for sure yourself that you are gay), and is afraid that you will be unhappy if you are gay, because she is aware of the negative way that most straight people used to, and many still do, regard gay people. She probably wants you to date girls, because she believes that you will be unhappy later in life if you can't have children, and that you would be lonely later in life because you did not have a wife to live with. Maybe she also thinks you would be socially isolated if you were gay, because you could not join a country club or tennis club, and would not have a social life because you would not have the necessary wife - that you would not fit in to society. I don't know this for a fact, but most mothers of gay sons who try to discourage their sons from being gay, believe these sorts of things. They are not aware of the possibility of winding up with a same sex partner and being able to have children, and having a satisfying life outside of the straight society's typical patterns. They also worry that their sons will get AIDS if they are gay.

    If you perchance have not told your parents that you are gay, then you should tell them now. And tell them not to worry about you. And don't "date" girls just because your mother wants you to. Your parents may not believe now that you know that you are gay, but over time they will. They will get used to it, and with any luck, accept you for who you turned out to be - not what they anticipated 19 or 20 years ago.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Jul 06, 2012 8:02 AM GMT
    If you let your family dictate your life, then the only freedom you'll have is the few late years when they're no longer around - and that's not really the time you want to start living, when there are more years behind you than ahead.

    Put your foot down and hold your ground. Respect their protectiveness and their guidance but yourself also. Take on board what they have to say and make informed decisions but don't like it be orders you have to follow.

    And if all else fails; cataclysmic queenie tantrum in public.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 06, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    bad_wolf saidIf you let your family dictate your life, then the only freedom you'll have is the few late years when they're no longer around - and that's not really the time you want to start living, when there are more years behind you than ahead.

    Put your foot down and hold your ground. Respect their protectiveness and their guidance but yourself also. Take on board what they have to say and make informed decisions but don't like it be orders you have to follow.

    And if all else fails; cataclysmic queenie tantrum in public.


    Yeah, right now my parents seem to think that I must follow orders that they give me right now when really, I'm an adult and should be making my own decisions and judgments. There are several things I don't agree with them about including who I should hang out with. My mom says I shouldn't hang out with people who drink or do drugs, but no one's perfect. I know that would be considered ideal, but do we live in an ideal world where things work out perfectly by following only the ideals? No, and it's not fair to discriminate against people who do those things either. They could be nice people(and I've met people who do those things who are very nice). My dad always tries to discourage me from taking on seemingly impossible challenges or things that would considered outside of his comfort zone. He also would prefer I hung around with ppl my age(not even a year or two older) because that was how he was. Yet, I got my job because of someone who was 26 who knew me who helped set up an interview for me to get hired. There's also many nice ppl who are older than me. Idk why, but my parents seem to have prejudices towards older people. Even 21 year olds they think spend all their time at casinos and bars and "do bad stuff". Mom actually is disappointed to see I'm interested in working right now to make some money and tries to tell me not to worry about the money. I mean I want to save up for my own car so I can have more freedom(and my own transportation to a job cause right now my availability isn't flexible because we have to share a car). It's not that I don't care about school, but shouldn't I also be trying to become more responsible and independent at this time in my life? After all, after college is done, I'm going to search for a job through my own means.

    Also, back to the topic, my mom feels she can relate an incident where my sister was convinced she was lesbian by mean people that surrounded her telling her so because she would never attract guys(although she is in fact straight and is considered cool). She thinks that my feeling of being gay is from people telling me so and the feeling that I'll never get a girl. But I felt I was into men since I was a freshman. I looked up hot guys online and even had crushes on some straight guys at school. She argues that I'm young and these feelings are exaggerated because being young, all these feelings are in my head but are not real. She can twist it any way she likes it, but my attraction to guys is real. She doesn't understand. My dad thinks I need to be open to any possibility, and that even though I'm more attracted to guys, he feels he still has a right to have a preference over who I should date.

    I understand the safety concerns, but I feel they are too overprotective of me too and that is hindering my development and learning important lessons from my mistakes. I feel that I should be more open about my feelings and shouldn't be afraid to voice my opinions towards gay rights or afraid to disclose my sexuality with people when it's questioned or brought up. I'm not afraid of rejection anymore from people and I'm comfortable in my own skin. If people don't accept me for one thing, their loss. I have friends, and even if there weren't people close to me, I feel as though there are always people who will care about me in my life because I treat people well and with respect and care about them.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:11 PM GMT
    easterndude69 said
    Also, back to the topic, my mom feels she can relate an incident where my sister was convinced she was lesbian by mean people that surrounded her telling her so because she would never attract guys(although she is in fact straight and is considered cool). She thinks that my feeling of being gay is from people telling me so and the feeling that I'll never get a girl.


    Yeah, that could conceivably happen with a girl - they are more fluid in their sexuality - but NEVER happens with guys. If we think we want the dick, then we want the dick.

    Trust me, your mom knows you're gay. She's just trying to manipulate you into staying in the closet. I'm sure she's convinced herself she has good reasons, but in the end it's all about her selfishness. Give her some time to adjust, but do not give in.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 06, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidYour family is acting out of ignorance.
    For your own sake, you need to tell your family members plainly, that you are not attracted to girls.
    If they persist, tell them to stop it.


    I can't help it, but every time they try to order me to not do something, it makes me want to do it even more out of resentment towards them and not believing in me(also feelings of wanting to prove them wrong and say "I told you so"). I feel the same way towards how they force the subject of girls down my throat. It makes me want to go after them even less now. Also, my dad says that I may not be so attracted to guys when I'm older as attraction fades when I'm older. Um, doesn't the same apply to women as they get older too? They also feel repeatedly telling me things will drill the message into my head more. Except it doesn't. I just feel more like "Stop telling me this. I already know this." and "Great, I wanna do this even more now that you're telling me not to do it", or "I wanna do this even less now because you're telling me to do it."

    Also, my family feels I should go after girls more because it's too hard to get a gay guy. They really underestimate my potential, ability, and perseverance. Even if something is easier to get, I will go after the hardest to reach thing if I'm more interested in it, want it more, or would feel better about accomplishing it. So in this case, I'm more interested into going after a guy, however rare gay guys are, then after a girl.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:16 PM GMT
    anocxu saidTell your mom straight up..what she is asking you to do can potentially destroy some poor girls life..you have to put your foot down!..but don't forget that's your mom..do it respectfully..hugzicon_biggrin.gif


    This is both well put and well thought out.

    Also the desire for grandchildren is genetic, so try to be understanding. Since you, too, might want kids some day perhaps you can soothe your mom's feelings by explaining to her that some gay men have kids via IVF or with lesbians.

    Lastly, remember that while SOME of her motives may be selfish, she probably believes that she's doing you a favor too.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:19 PM GMT
    Just to play devil's advocate, because your situation sounds very similar to mine when I came out to my parents. I don't know all your details but I had years to come to terms with who i was. That I would never get married, that I would never have kids, etc.

    Your parents, since the day you were a fetus, have dreamed of your wedding, your wife, your kids, your picket fence and so on. I agree with the people here that say stand your ground, because letting your mother think you could even possibly consider going straight will just encourage her.

    But I think its unfair to assume she's being manipulative. She's being human and desperately trying to salvage her dreams and justifying it by rationalizing that life would be so much easier for you if you were straight - and she is right about that. She just needs time to understand its not ever going to happen though.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 06, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    showme said
    easterndude69 said
    Also, back to the topic, my mom feels she can relate an incident where my sister was convinced she was lesbian by mean people that surrounded her telling her so because she would never attract guys(although she is in fact straight and is considered cool). She thinks that my feeling of being gay is from people telling me so and the feeling that I'll never get a girl.


    Yeah, that could conceivably happen with a girl - they are more fluid in their sexuality - but NEVER happens with guys. If we think we want the dick, then we want the dick.

    Trust me, your mom knows you're gay. She's just trying to manipulate you into staying in the closet. I'm sure she's convinced herself she has good reasons, but in the end it's all about her selfishness. Give her some time to adjust, but do not give in.


    Funny thing is, there are better reasons to leave the closet than to stay in. It's healthier for one thing to express one's true feelings. Why should I feel like my feelings towards the same sex are wrong and should only be kept to myself? I'm not a very outward gay, but if someone asks me, I'm going to tell them the truth. I love how ignorant people can be too to say that "Once I get the pussy, that's all I'll want". I could say the same about someone who hasn't tried dick, couldn't I? How do you know you like something if you don't try it? I mean, I mostly keep these feelings to myself and remain humble unless someone gives me a hard time. As valid as these beliefs seem, they aren't ready to be accepted by society.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    easterndude69 said Also, my dad says that I may not be so attracted to guys when I'm older as attraction fades when I'm older....
    Also, my family feels I should go after girls more because it's too hard to get a gay guy.


    Edited down to highlight the two statements they're trying to convince you of. Both are completely idiotic.

    I'm sure you love your family, and they love you, but they're trying to gaslight you. Google it if you're too young to know what it means. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:24 PM GMT
    easterndude69 said

    Funny thing is, there are better reasons to leave the closet than to stay in. It's healthier for one thing to express one's true feelings. Why should I feel like my feelings towards the same sex are wrong and should only be kept to myself? I'm not a very outward gay, but if someone asks me, I'm going to tell them the truth. I love how ignorant people can be too to say that "Once I get the pussy, that's all I'll want". I could say the same about someone who hasn't tried dick, couldn't I? How do you know you like something if you don't try it? I mean, I mostly keep these feelings to myself and remain humble unless someone gives me a hard time. As valid as these beliefs seem, they aren't ready to be accepted by society.


    You sound like a pretty together guy in the face of a lot of opposition from folks you love. Kudos.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 06, 2012 6:31 PM GMT
    uoft23 saidJust to play devil's advocate, because your situation sounds very similar to mine when I came out to my parents. I don't know all your details but I had years to come to terms with who i was. That I would never get married, that I would never have kids, etc.

    Your parents, since the day you were a fetus, have dreamed of your wedding, your wife, your kids, your picket fence and so on. I agree with the people here that say stand your ground, because letting your mother think you could even possibly consider going straight will just encourage her.

    But I think its unfair to assume she's being manipulative. She's being human and desperately trying to salvage her dreams and justifying it by rationalizing that life would be so much easier for you if you were straight - and she is right about that. She just needs time to understand its not ever going to happen though.


    That is true though. But then again, taking the easy way out hasn't always proved to be profitable. Just because one life is easier to live doesn't mean it's the one I'll try living. But I get what you're saying. Even if she may be wrong, she is reacting how a human would. It's important to take into account with the problems that humans have are only human, including the homophobia and gay being a taboo. It's just the way people were brought up and led to believe.