How would you go about talking to a younger brother?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    I have reasons to believe that he is gay as well but I'm not 100% positive. I think that is what makes him be antisocial every time family gets together but very outgoing with his friends(by looking at his facebook). The times when I stayed at home he would get in the fights with others for no reason and would say stupid things like how much he hates the family and doesnt want to live anymore, even though we were raised in a good home and no one has done anything wrong to him. Hes still in high school so hes going through that phase. I want to make him comfortable and let him know that I'll be there if anything.
    Since teenagers are already hard to talk to and its a very sensitive subject, I need some guidance. Thanks in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 5:44 AM GMT
    I'd beat him up for fun and tell mom it was his fault.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    BTW, shortly after taking martial arts in high school, I kicked my older brother's ass. The above scenario mysteriously stopped after that. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 6:00 AM GMT
    Well..Before you label it a gay thing..you have to do some research...Pulling him aside and trying to talk to him..probably won't work..you can start off by being around more often...taking his side/ standing up for him even though he might be acting irrational..if you take an aproach...like "We Need to talk"...he'll clam up..just stay in touch..as much as you can..And drop little lines...like.."you know i love you right.?" or.."you know you can tell me anything right.?".and eventually you'll be able to figure it out ..You could check out his facebook page to see who his friends are..If they look like the rainbow..then you'll know..icon_biggrin.gif..remember the pre adolescent brain is a force to be reconed with..and he can't tell you what's wrong with him..if he doesn't know for shure....take care..icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 6:40 AM GMT
    Its nuffin to do with being gay
    we are men & have abnormal levels of testosterone making us angry all the time
    i passed thru' that same phase


    dont ask your brother out for god's sake
    its like "What have u to do with that ?"
    Mind your own buddy

    Let him get over that adolescent stage first

    if u want u may ask him after he is normalized with all the hormone levels
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    Your brother reminds me a bit of myself. Deja vu....

    It must be really hard to approach the issue. If he knows you are gay, it should be easy to talk to him. Try to give him subtle messages like joke around with "Oh its ok if you're gay" and other stuff. He is problem struggling with accepting the fact if he is gay that could explain the whole antisocial around the family and anger bursts.

    It's hard talking to someone sensitive, I kinda have that same problem in some ways. Maybe one day you should sit him down and talk calmly to him about your experience with being gay and what you went through in high school. You don't need to say "I think you're gay". Just leave the message like: "You are probably going through a lot during high school and just like how I struggled with being gay in high school, you might be going with something similar whether it be school work or friends, so if you ever need to talk to me about anything, just let me know." - I hope you get what I mean by this.

    I know you care about your brother so try to be as loving and supporting as possible and make sure you got his side. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 7:03 AM GMT
    ohboy saidI have reasons to believe that he is gay as well but I'm not 100% positive. I think that is what makes him be antisocial every time family gets together but very outgoing with his friends(by looking at his facebook). The times when I stayed at home he would get in the fights with others for no reason and would say stupid things like how much he hates the family and doesnt want to live anymore, even though we were raised in a good home and no one has done anything wrong to him. Hes still in high school so hes going through that phase. I want to make him comfortable and let him know that I'll be there if anything.
    Since teenagers are already hard to talk to and its a very sensitive subject, I need some guidance. Thanks in advance.


    OP: if you ever need advice or anything, message me and I will try to help icon_biggrin.gif
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Jul 06, 2012 8:05 AM GMT
    Erm, he's a teenager; probability suggests he's angry by nature. Being reclusive around family but extrovert around friends seems typical behaviour regardless.

    But it's sweet you care icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 8:44 AM GMT
    Being excessively interested in peer opinion and obnoxious towards one's family is a hallmark of how some kids deal with adolescence. Unfortunately it's a developmental phase for that subset and deeply annoying. Be glad if it doesn't persist through adulthood.

    I wouldn't assume it's because he's gay, unless his Facebook is filled with shirtless, toned men (like my cousin's was at 15, but I digress).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 8:48 AM GMT
    Sam_u_el saidIts nuffin to do with being gay
    we are men & have abnormal levels of testosterone making us angry all the time
    i passed thru' that same phase


    dont ask your brother out for god's sake
    its like "What have u to do with that ?"
    Mind your own buddy

    Let him get over that adolescent stage first

    if u want u may ask him after he is normalized with all the hormone levels


    Making yourself an example of how this is definitely not a gay thing because you went through the same phase is idiotic because you are gay...

    d'oh
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 06, 2012 8:51 AM GMT
    I would make a sincere effort to listen to him. Ask him how things are going and listen to his responses. He might not really tell you anything, but you need to
    always make the effort. You didn't say whether you were "out to the family", including him.

    If you start a conversation and he doesnt' really want to answer any questions or talk... you take the initiative and discuss some issue you are having or have had... YOU ask HIS opinion and discuss it in some detail. Important to get communication going and make the extra effort to be there in the future for him.
    Above all.... be sincere and don't be fake (not that you would be). Just let him know that you care and are concerned for his welfare.

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 9:00 AM GMT
    It's very natural for teenagers to be more comfortable with their peer group than with their families. Teenagers go through excrutiating insecurity phases and families have a tendency to expose them, ungraciously and inadvertently. Families tend to give love where friends give recognition. At the same time, his acting that way towards family members is giving him his wanted attention, under a cloak of negativity. Though you may have been brought up in a good home, younger siblings have a propensity to feel less loved and less lavished with the attention that older siblings received.

    The important thing is to talk to him as the brother. Not the older brother. Not as an acting father figure. But as an equal. Take him away from the familial environment, like to a baseball game or something he enjoys. And just listen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 9:30 AM GMT
    does he exemplify any other type of behavior/mannerisms which leads you to believe he's gay? because being argumentative, antisocial etc. are pretty normal teenage characteristics.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 10:38 AM GMT
    He could be gay, a normal teen, or something else could be bothering him. If it were my brother, I would approach him privately on his own turf (his room?) and tell him very simply and honestly that I remember how hard it was to be his age and if he ever wants to talk about anything, I am there to listen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 10:45 AM GMT
    ohboy saidI have reasons to believe that he is gay as well but I'm not 100% positive. I think that is what makes him be antisocial every time family gets together but very outgoing with his friends(by looking at his facebook). The times when I stayed at home he would get in the fights with others for no reason and would say stupid things like how much he hates the family and doesnt want to live anymore, even though we were raised in a good home and no one has done anything wrong to him. Hes still in high school so hes going through that phase. I want to make him comfortable and let him know that I'll be there if anything.
    Since teenagers are already hard to talk to and its a very sensitive subject, I need some guidance. Thanks in advance.


    Don't attack the situation by trying to hit upon the gay suspicions. Just show that you're there for him in general, and work to gain his trust. I know that you're his brother and he likely trusts you, but this may require a higher level of it. Sounds like he's uncomfortable about whatever is bothering him. If you can make him feel comfortable, he'll share whatever is bothering him before too long.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jul 06, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    With much respect for you..If the kid is stating he doesn't want to live anymore..You need to talk to your parents and suggest he get therapy...His statements are cries for help and it may be easier for him to talk to a detached professional rather than other family members...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 2:40 PM GMT

    Does your younger brother know you're gay?
    If so, simply keep a warm communication going, and be a brother that he can trust with secrets, then he'll more than likely tell you without you asking. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 3:24 PM GMT
    ohboy saidI have reasons to believe that he is gay as well but I'm not 100% positive. I think that is what makes him be antisocial every time family gets together but very outgoing with his friends(by looking at his facebook). The times when I stayed at home he would get in the fights with others for no reason and would say stupid things like how much he hates the family and doesnt want to live anymore, even though we were raised in a good home and no one has done anything wrong to him. Hes still in high school so hes going through that phase. I want to make him comfortable and let him know that I'll be there if anything.
    Since teenagers are already hard to talk to and its a very sensitive subject, I need some guidance. Thanks in advance.


    Aside from the gay thing, you have just described my brother to a T. He was great with his friends and had a bunch of'm. God fucking awful to his little brother (me) and to my friends and to our family. We've almost no pictures of his younger self smiling. He used to refuse to get out of the car to join the fun at family reunions.

    Yet when he finally had his own family, he started changing, becoming a better person to our shared family. He loves to include us in dinners and even on their vacations. He'll rent a huge mountain house on a lake and get all the water toys so everyone has a great time. Have you met my brother Jekyll & my brother Hyde?

    He mostly found his love for our mom while she suffered Alzheimer's and became dependent upon us. He is a bit of a control freak. That's also when he started showing his love for me. Towards the end of mom's life he finally became the brother I always wanted. Always knew was inside there somewhere. Even mom noticed it, her faculties mostly stolen by the disease by then. In her last months alive she said to me: "you and (your brother) seem to be getting along." At first I thought it was paranoia because we did have to work in concert with each other to manage mom's Alzheimer's. But then in that moment I realized she was being honest and loving and observant and lucid and so I replied, "Yeah, you couldn't have found some better way than Alzheimer's to make that happen." She laughed.

    Since mom passed and since we've divested mutual monetary interests, he has gone back somewhat to his old ways. Still way better than he was when he was a douchebag of a brother when we were younger, but nowhere near the wonderful brother I thought for a few years i had, who I know is still in there, but who hardly ever comes out of his own personal type of closet to play.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    I was that little brother in high school. But teenage insecurity tends to push people away more often than not. Had anyone, even older my brother, pressed the question of my sexuality, my teenage self would have become even more isolated. I think the best thing you can do as a brother is to indirectly show him that sexuality to you is a nonissue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 7:39 PM GMT
    Thanks for the responses. Parents are aware of his behavior and they also think its adolescence but I'm pretty sure he isolates himself from everyone because of that. A while back he borrowed my laptop and from the search history it was pretty obvious, nothing hardcore though, maybe he was just curious at that age but now there are more signs the way he talks and carries himself. I'm not out to the fam and I know it will be harder for him, knowing my parents he will get sent to therapy if he comes out. He's already been called out few times, and not in a nice way, I saw his reaction.
    I talk to him occasionally, give him rides and help him out with money so we have some kind of relationship.Regardless, I know I wont be the first person he will come talk to if he needs that emotional support. I'm moving out of state in few months, hes going to be in college next year and looks like he will cut eveyone off once he moves out so I need to have this talk with him soon, just don't know how to approach and have that conversation. Thinking about asking if he has a gf, or why not and go from there.
  • Gloryboys

    Posts: 28

    Jul 06, 2012 7:53 PM GMT
    So your not out to the family, which means he doesn't know either correct! Ok so how about taking him outside or into his room or out for the day and telling him that you are, and see what his reaction is. This might and I say might give him the window to open up to you if he is gay and come clean, bear in mind he knows your moving out of state soon and he is off to college soon might be feeling very isolated and scared. Hope this works out well for both of you.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jul 06, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    ask him he's got a girlfriend. Or maybe ask what girls would he date if he could pick anyone.

    If he's hesitant to answer or says he's not interested in having girlfriends... then maybe ur suspicion may be valid. I dont think it would be weird to ask that.

    I wouldnt ask if he's gay or interested in guys or anything blatently obvious at this point. Rather, see if u can figure it out on ur own. Does his facebook have a lot of chicks after him? Flirty wall posts, pics with him hugging/kissing girls?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    Why not just tell him exactly what you've told us? Honestly... it's not that fucking hard.

    "Hey man.. I know that if you needed someone to talk to, I wouldn't be your first choice. But you might be surprised that we have more in common than you think... *winkwink* ... so come hang out with me if you want to talk. You can trust me. I'd never tell another soul. It would be so nice to have a chance to be your brother."

    Done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 8:35 PM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidWhy not just tell him exactly what you've told us? Honestly... it's not that fucking hard.

    "Hey man.. I know that if you needed someone to talk to, I wouldn't be your first choice. But you might be surprised that we have more in common than you think... *winkwink* ... so come hang out with me if you want to talk. You can trust me. I'd never tell another soul. It would be so nice to have a chance to be your brother."

    Done.


    I know it's not hard but it's a sensitive subject for someone his age and Im not a psychologist, I dont want to mess things up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 06, 2012 8:37 PM GMT
    Import saidask him he's got a girlfriend. Or maybe ask what girls would he date if he could pick anyone.

    If he's hesitant to answer or says he's not interested in having girlfriends... then maybe ur suspicion may be valid. I dont think it would be weird to ask that.

    I wouldnt ask if he's gay or interested in guys or anything blatently obvious at this point. Rather, see if u can figure it out on ur own. Does his facebook have a lot of chicks after him? Flirty wall posts, pics with him hugging/kissing girls?


    Bunch of fat chicks on his fb icon_biggrin.gif and hes good looking so that's a flag.