How do you deal with mourning the loss of a loved-one?

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    Jul 06, 2012 7:15 AM GMT
    Idk if someone posted this question before, but I figured I would ask.

    If you ever have lost a love one, what was your reaction and how did you try to cope with the lost. If you want to, you can include personal stories.

    For me it was when my grandfather died. It was strange. I'm not the best at expressing emotions of sadness, but when someone close to me is in pain or anything I'm usually quiet and I like to be alone. I would stay up at night and not be able to sleep at times. I only cried at the funeral for a few minutes, but after that I stopped. I am a bit upset about my reactions because some people saw me as insensitive when I lost my grandfather. I feel like a wuss because that's the way I mourn.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jul 06, 2012 1:06 PM GMT
    Everybody mourns differently, and for varying lengths of time. Unless you're completely shutting down any feelings or totally compartmentalizing them, I'd say that you shoudn't feel bad about how you deal with sadness.

    Some people cry at the drop of a hat. I don't; in fact I very rarely cry. It's not because I don't want to--I definitely feel pain and heartache at losing a loved one, whether to death or to a break-up, and I really wish I could cry. It would probably make things feel so much better. But not everyone can just turn the faucets on. It doesn't mean that you don't feel it any less intensely or that it's less genuine.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 06, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    Probably the toughest loss I have had so far was the loss of my mother when I was 24. She had been ill for some time, I was away in law school at the time and while expected, it was very difficult.

    I remember kind of being in shock, then really let loose and let it out.....
    I generally recover quickly, but I just remember feeling a huge sense of loss and
    difficulty in direction. With time most was regained, but some of the loss will always be there.... always....

    icon_cry.gif
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    Jul 06, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    I was very close to my grandfather and one of my aunts. I miss them both, more than my mother. I have found it takes a full year to begin to put things in perpsective - after a full cycle of seasons and holidays. (In the case of my aunt, it is taking longer since this is the first presidential election we have not shared and we were really into watching the returns. And I have still not erased the last voicemail she left me.) Instead of crying, you are mourning in a different way. The sense of loss, means they are still in your heart and I hope that gives you comfort since as long as you remember them, they live. My grandfather died 30 years ago, I still miss him.
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    Jul 06, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    I cuss like a sailor.
    Punch a hole through the kitchen wall.
    I throw fit and throw the phone
    Half-way down the hall.

    Then I go down to the bar
    And make the front door slam.
    All in all, I take it like a man.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8T0A8OYLlk icon_lol.gif

    But srsly, it depends on who I lost and how I lost them. Sometimes I cry my eyeballs out. Sometimes I become infuriated. Sometimes it's a combination of both.
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    Jul 06, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    yeah, definitely different with each person. When my boyfriend died in 2005, i had random crying spells, psychosomatic GI upset, and periods of numbness.

    how i dealt was to draw strength and support from close friends. Even just having coffee and talking about silly things helped ease the burden and took my mind off of the grief.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Jul 06, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    I do the same thing....I shut down my emotions...I realized I did it as a form of protection..If I didn't feel I'd be less prone to hurt and sadness...The downside to this is when you shut down...put that brick wall up...no one can get in...This makes them think your cold and unfeeling ...you grieve within...The reality is it's healthier to express those inner thoughts.I continue to be a work in transition...All the best
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    Jul 06, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    this past February i lost a close family friend, which felt like i had lost my mother (she is still alive, but relationship with her is cordial at best). i had just gotten home from work when i found out about and i had an emotional breakdown right there in my living room. i missed 4 days of work, didn't eat, couldn't sleep. i quit my job a short time later cause i wasn't given time to process and grieve over the events that happened. as a result, i had to shut myself down to protect myself and i ended up self-destructing as a result. i suffered a mini-stroke a few months later and even though healthwise i am doing much better, the pain is still the same and it still lingers. i have good days and i also have bad days, but this was a life changing incident for me in which the happy perky vibrant person that i once was is not here, but i am working on trying to get back to that point. it won't be an easy task for me, but better to try and have failed than to not try at all.
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    Jul 06, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    I eat. It's a Jewish thing. Mom died? Quick, someone call the caterer!

    Depression sucks. I put on 20 lbs (pudgy pic on profile of me posing with wolfpuppy) when the great love of my life died. Got my bod back but now, as my next bestest bud and wolf puppy and mom all died at about the same time, I put on about 30. So fucking uncomfortable. Older now so taking longer to get rid of both the weight and the depression.

    For me betrayal is even worse than death and I've experienced plenty enough of both. But death to me is the ultimate proof that divine design is horseshit. Because our brains consist of neurons which form enduring patterns based upon our experiences so they do not let go of those we love, yet those we love die anyway, completely contrary to our make-up at the most basic level of design.

    I've got a lot of complaints about this design and I fully intend to voice them one day. Either we shouldn't attach to those we love and I'm not going with that option, or they should never die from our lives. Hey, God, Wut da fuck?
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    Jul 06, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    I've lost a friend in January in unfortunate circumstances. I was out of it for a month, didn't react to anything, didnt eat and lost 10lbs. Talking about him with other friends and hanging out with his family helped a lot.
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    Jul 06, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    theantijock saidI eat. It's a Jewish thing. Mom died? Quick, someone call the caterer!

    Depression sucks. I put on 20 lbs (pudgy pic on profile of me posing with wolfpuppy) when the great love of my life died. Got my bod back but now, as my next bestest bud and wolf puppy and mom all died at about the same time, I put on about 30. So fucking uncomfortable. Older now so taking longer to get rid of both the weight and the depression.

    For me betrayal is even worse than death and I've experienced plenty enough of both. But death to me is the ultimate proof that divine design is horseshit. Because our brains consist of neurons which form enduring patterns based upon our experiences so they do not let go of those we love, yet those we love die anyway, completely contrary to our make-up at the most basic level of design.

    I've got a lot of complaints about this design and I fully intend to voice them one day. Either we shouldn't attach to those we love and I'm not going with that option, or they should never die from our lives. Hey, God, Wut da fuck?


    I'm so sorry the things you've had to go through. I do think you are a huge inspiration for other people in this forum and a lot of people can learn from you if they're just willing to listen. Much love icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 06, 2012 5:43 PM GMT
    It's been a year since my Grandmother passed and we had a very unique relationship. I try to remember that she would want me to go on living and so I do. My biggest fear is that there is no spiritual eternity and that she is gone forever. I had so many wonderful times with just me and her that I realize everything I am almost came from her love. It has also brought my Mother and I very close to eachother so it helps to have someone to mourn with. Now I am afraid of the day my Mother will go because I have no other family.
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    Jul 06, 2012 5:49 PM GMT
    To me, mourning means the loss of the human body, but nobody can take away my memories. I often reflect on the good times and closeness I held with someone I have lost. I also have VERY vivid of dreams of them....quite often. That, to me, is my subconscious telling me that I haven't thought about that person in a while...and for the next few hours, days, weeks, that person is on my mind constantly.
    You can never bring the person back....but no one can take away your memories.
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    Jul 06, 2012 5:55 PM GMT
    My friends started dying of AIDS in 1989. Talk to any gay man of my generation - we know how to mourn and we know how to move on.

    If you truly loved someone, you never stop missing them. My best friend bill died at 31 years old; but I'll still see guys in their 50s who make me think, "I bet Bill would have looked like that by now." I dream about him still. I think of him often. So he'll never really be gone. Not for me.

    That's how I deal.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    ChoklitDaddy saidMy friends started dying of AIDS in 1989. Talk to any gay man of my generation - we know how to mourn and we know how to move on.

    If you truly loved someone, you never stop missing them. My best friend bill died at 31 years old; but I'll still see guys in their 50s who make me think, "I bet Bill would have looked like that by now." I dream about him still. I think of him often. So he'll never really be gone. Not for me.

    That's how I deal.


    ^ This.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    It depends on the circumstances.

    My Dad passed in 2008 after about 12 years of health issues. So his death wasn't unexpected, but it was still very sad.

    Since I wasn't home and was around tons of family, I didn't really grieve at first. My siblings and I actually played a football game in his honor, the day after he passed. At the viewing, we were all joking around his casket, but not in a disrespectful way. it wasn't until the viewing was ending and they closed the casket did it really hit us all.
    But even then I didn't feel I grieved appropriately.

    It wasn't until i was flying back home to AZ that certain thoughts flooded my brain: did I make him proud, did I call him enough, why didn't I visit more often, etc etc.

    So, I got home and sat down at my computer and wrote a letter to my Dad. I was violently crying while writing it, but it allowed me to finally grieve appropriately and "talk" to my Dad.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    I've attended almost 60 funerals or memorial services in my life, since about the age of 9, I think. I've seen all kinds of services (enough to know what kind I'd like for myself some day). Anyway - - some of the people I knew really well, and others - less so. It is so hard to lose the people who've meant so much to you. In my case - losing the grandparents who were so good to me - hurt the most. I think of them everyday. Sometimes I walk past their former home and just look at the gardens, trees and try to breathe in a bit of their essence. That helps me a bit. I keep pictures of them in the den and in our bedroom. The way I deal with missing them is basically to keep them in mind, and also to try to live life as they would have wanted me to live..........with happiness, integrity, kindness and generosity. I believe I'll be reunited with my family & friends one day.
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    Jul 06, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    ohboy saidI've lost a friend in January in unfortunate circumstances. I was out of it for a month, didn't react to anything, didnt eat and lost 10lbs. Talking about him with other friends and hanging out with his family helped a lot.


    I'm so fuckin' jealous right now. Hell, I'd kill a few friends just to lose 10 lbs.

    Josh1992 saidI'm so sorry the things you've had to go through. I do think you are a huge inspiration for other people in this forum and a lot of people can learn from you if they're just willing to listen. Much love icon_smile.gif


    Thanx so much Josh. Yer a sweetie. I must have misunderstood the assignment, though, I didn't know I was supposed to be inspiring. I just thought this was cheap therapy. But, hey, just in case anyone gleans the slightest bit of accidental wisdom, I've left a donation box by the door.

    Seriously, I went through a lot of crap, maybe more than most, but also I've probably had a lot more fun than most too. Life has not been boring. And people certainly go through a lot more shit than I have. You haven't had it easy and I don't know of too many who do.

    As far as I can tell from what little life I've lived, anyone who thinks this life is easy isn't doing it right. Just imagine being the survivor of a tsunami, not only losing your entire family but your entire village. How do you ever laugh again, yet, probably, someone has figured out how smile and how to still find a modicum of happiness and peace. Those are the people who teach us.

    ECnAZ said ...At the viewing, we were all joking around his casket, but not in a disrespectful way. it wasn't until the viewing was ending and they closed the casket did it really hit us all.
    But even then I didn't feel I grieved appropriately....


    I've had some of my most breathless snickers and heartiest laughs at funerals of loved ones.