Partner cruising gay chat sites - okay or not?

  • ned_2005

    Posts: 1

    Jul 08, 2012 11:41 AM GMT
    How should a person view it when someone who supposedly has a "significant other" is logging onto websites like this one or gay.com or others? Of particular interest to me, I suppose, is how it should be interpreted when they list their status as being single. Is that a sign that the person is really unhappy with the relationship on some level and is looking for someone new, or does it suggest that the person is dishonest (perhaps even in other significant ways) and should probably be avoided? Or is it simply reading too much into the situation and these websites (and the people on them) shouldn't be taken seriously? Just interested in how others feel about this topic.
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    Jul 08, 2012 12:05 PM GMT
    I know this is off topic and I apologize for it, but, really, you need to stop getting your haircut at church.
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    Jul 08, 2012 12:07 PM GMT
    Depends on the guy, there are several possible answers for his behavior, from innocent to guilty as Hell. And another factor is how secure you feel with the relationship (assuming you have a personal interest in making this your first post on the very day you've joined RJ).

    I'm partnered and yet active on this site, listing myself as having a monogamous relationship. I tell my partner all the goings on here. Even bring him over to the screen to read stuff, though he's not interested in being active here himself. When I meet guys from here for drinks or dinner I always ask him to come along, which he does.

    So he has no concerns about my being on this site (which is not principally a dating or hook-up site, though it can certainly be used for that purpose). He might be less comfortable if he saw me describe myself as single, and worse, saying I'm here to meet guys. And he happens to be on Silver Daddies himself, where he has friends from before he met me. And so I told him to stay there, enjoy his online friends, don't drop them because of me, I don't feel threatened.

    The best spin I could put on that kind of listing you indicate would be someone who likes to tease, to still play the game. Who needs lots of flattery & attention, which he might not get if listed as already committed.

    You might ask yourself if he has that kind of ego, and if you're failing to stroke it enough (I meant stroke his ego, but maybe the other meaning is applicable, too). BTW, how do you know what sites he uses, and how he lists himself? Snooping would suggest the relationship is already in doubt. Or is this yourself we're describing, you the one whose actions are in question, wondering how he'll react to it? The same comments apply to him with you.
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    Jul 08, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    You're on RJ and you listed your status as single so...
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    Jul 08, 2012 12:59 PM GMT
    When I have partner with whom I consider my 'significant other' there is no need to venture onto such sites, I have a great circle of friends, I don't need to cruise gay.com for anymore. All that being said, if it's something you are both cool with and list yourselves cleary as in a monogamous relationship, then whatever works for that dynamic and I know plenty of guys for whom it does, I guess trust and being open about it is key but I would keep a cyncial eye on it all the same!
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    Jul 08, 2012 1:44 PM GMT
    We have an Adam4adam profile to meet new people but we are monogamous.I check out RealJock all the time.Being on gay sex sites like Grinder and listing your profile as single is totally inappropriate however.
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    Jul 08, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    It could be any of the above buddy... Some guys come on to look at photos and flirt and maybe even cam... other guys come on and hook up... for some it's just entertainment and it's harmless.

    And even if they DO hook up it doesn't mean they don't love their partners... it IS possible, despite what many ppl would say or think, to be in a loving relationship and still want sex with others. Some guys are just sluts and fuck around. What's important is that their partners be respected. So if they DO hook up it's best if they both have a chat and both agree to it and understand what is happening.

    If this is happening to you, you might want to have a chat with your partner. But first you need to figure out how YOU feel about it. Who really cares what WE think. If it bothers you, then you need to be honest and tell him and let HIM decide how important going on hookup sites is for him. And he needs to be honest with himself. If he agrees to stop for YOU then he might slip up again. So it's important that both partners be honest with themselves and others.

    My 2 cents' worth...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    Even on places such as this (and even grinder) you can find completely monogomous guys just using it as a social/platonic experience.

    However, listing yourself as single has a few possibilities, in order of likelihood, either he is looking to leave his current boyfriend, single is just the default option which he hasn't changed, or his boyfriend is ok with him telling others he is single for purposes of flirting.

    There are probably more variations on this but the truth is you are never going to know till you ask.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 08, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    Well I've had a partner and have been logging into Realjock for the last 5 years
    almost on a daily basis. He knows all about it of course and knows it is
    for "social recreation" purposes.

    I think it is totally up to what the two guys agree to, so long as they both know what the other is doing and there is an understanding. My relationship has always been built on trust, so I don't have some jealous boyfriend checking up on me. It is the tempation that is the problem for many guys....haha.
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    Jul 08, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    McGay saidI know this is off topic and I apologize for it, but, really, you need to stop getting your haircut at church.
    ...Dude??.................


    <---------------(secretly cracking up)
  • dillon2012

    Posts: 11

    Jul 08, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    McGay saidI know this is off topic and I apologize for it, but, really, you need to stop getting your haircut at church.


    Says the man with a receding hairline...
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    Jul 08, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    In my case, we MET in R.J. Forums, and we're both still here, years later. We both have friends here and in Facebook, plus a couple of other sites. No issues. It IS possible to have platonic friends and not cross a line that would hurt the other guy.
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    Jul 08, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    Maybe ask him why he is doing it? If he's just looking for friends there are a lot more respectable ways of doing it than on hook up sites where friendship is usually just a pretense for sex.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jul 08, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    Kind of depends on the site and the profile he has on it. If it's RealJock that's one thing, but if it's on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, or Grindr, that might be another thing altogether.
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    Jul 08, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    ned_2005 saidPartner cruising gay chat sites - okay or not?
    Only if he picks up a hot guy to share.
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    I have been partnered for over 14 years. I have never cheated, nor plan too. i go on here to chat with people. With my family life I dont have a chance to be social, this kind of fills in that void. I dont list im single, I may know why people do. I have had experience that once someone sees Im partnered, they stop talking to me, or avoide me from the beginning.

    There is several answers to this, but some folks need to not worry about other peoples relationships, and focus on their own. Just saying.
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    whatever you two agree upon. you guys should discuss the terms of your relationship, and your extra-curricular socialising. that includes in real life and online.
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    ned said, " Of particular interest to me, I suppose, is how it should be interpreted when they list their status as being single. Is that a sign that the person is really unhappy with the relationship on some level and is looking for someone new, or does it suggest that the person is dishonest (perhaps even in other significant ways) and should probably be avoided?"

    Interesting question in bold.

    Why indeed would someone in a relationship list themselves as single?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 08, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    McGay saidI know this is off topic and I apologize for it, but, really, you need to stop getting your haircut at church.
    U should stop being so bitchy
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    I'd chop his penis off and feed it to the canary.icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    I guess you have become day old milk and have curdled. Must be giving the EWWWW factor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    I'm actually more worried about all the married dudes hitting him up on face book.
    Asked him to change his preference to straight.

    or straight-acting like mine
    jk...don't have FB.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    Um, cruising? No.
  • RTDoran

    Posts: 14

    Jul 08, 2012 9:29 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell I've had a partner and have been logging into Realjock for the last 5 years
    almost on a daily basis. He knows all about it of course and knows it is
    for "social recreation" purposes.

    I think it is totally up to what the two guys agree to, so long as they both know what the other is doing and there is an understanding. My relationship has always been built on trust, so I don't have some jealous boyfriend checking up on me. It is the tempation that is the problem for many guys....haha.


    This fellow hit the nailed directly on the head. If the trust isn't applied to each party, then it's all moot. In my partnership for 18 years there had to be two componets: trust and communication. And, we had that till my partner died.
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    Jul 08, 2012 10:14 PM GMT
    Is this a gay cruising site? I've never had the experience.

    I believe a worthy goal is to keep RJ from being a cruising site so it won't get blocked where I work. That would suck.