long term gay monogomy? Fact or Fiction?

  • FreshstartDE

    Posts: 21

    Jul 08, 2012 8:36 PM GMT
    Just looking for some input on this topic. I'm recently single after two back to back relationships lasting almost 15 years. In both cases, things started out like most relationships do. You know, when You just can't get enough of someone. Sex constantly, thinking about them all the time, etc., and even though it seems you'll feel that way forever, it always seems to fade. The passion disappears as the years go by. So my question is, is it possilbe to have serious long term mutually enjoyable monogomous relationship or do I have to come to terms with the fact that to not grow old alone, I have to be willing to be in an open relationship ?
  • riamu79

    Posts: 42

    Jul 11, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    My partner and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the last 12 years, which we've recently opened up.

    I certainly don't think that it's impossible for gay men to be in life-long monogamous and mutually enjoyable relationships, however I now believe (read: I didn't previously) that monogamy runs contrary to the biological imperative for most men, particularly those in certain age brackets.

    From my perspective, I think that understanding, companionship and honesty are more important to a long-term relationship than sex.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:06 AM GMT
    Perhaps it's because a lot of long term relationships stay the way they are because they are "stuck" in a marriage? Kind of deters them from breaking up?

    Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the idea of life long partners. But I do believe some people just stay together at some point because getting divorced is just too much of a hassle.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:06 AM GMT
    If there is someone out there who wants monogamy I haven't found him... that is what I want... but ...still can't find it.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    riamu79 saidMy partner and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the last 12 years, which we've recently opened up.

    I certainly don't think that it's impossible for gay men to be in life-long monogamous and mutually enjoyable relationships, however I now believe (read: I didn't previously) that monogamy runs contrary to the biological imperative for most men, particularly those in certain age brackets.

    From my perspective, I think that understanding, companionship and honesty are more important to a long-term relationship than sex.
    I want that, again... icon_neutral.gif
    My butt hurts. icon_redface.gif
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:09 AM GMT
    Freshstart, here's a thought for you.

    If I fed you chocolate cake, and you loved it, so I gave you chocolate cake three times a day over and over and over and over and over again would still like chocolate cake the same way when I first gave it to you?

    If I fed you chocolate cake, and you loved it, then we paced ourselves and waited each time til we REALLY wanted it, would we ever tire of it?

    We've been together 22 years, 23 this December. Monogamous. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    PS while waiting for chocolate cake, there's romance, ongoing courting, flirting, plumbing the depths of each others' emotional selves etc. These will stay when the flesh eventually slows physical desires (hey we're both approaching 60 and like it or not, aches and pains etc make the spirit willing but the flesh sometimes weak)
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Jul 11, 2012 12:11 AM GMT
    Long term monogamy is possible if the two people involved want it to be. If only one person has an interest in it, it won't work.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    Freshstart, here's a thought for you.

    If I fed you chocolate cake, and you loved it, so I gave you chocolate cake three times a day over and over and over and over and over again would still like chocolate cake the same way when I first gave it to you?

    If I fed you chocolate cake, and you loved it, then we paced ourselves and waited each time til we REALLY wanted it, would we ever tire of it?

    We've been together 22 years, 23 this December. Monogamous. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
    Damn right, MiL! Moderation is key to long lasting sexual monogamy. I know I can do that.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    Here we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    I understand some want a monogamy and some want open but what I don't get is when guys say they lose the passion with their guy and that is why they open it up. Opening up the relationship won't get that passion back it might possibly make it worse.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:15 AM GMT
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    This is the way I look at it.

    At a certain point in your relationship you either open it up or have sex without condoms (cant really do both in my opinion.)

    I would rather take the sex without a condom than to sleep with whoever I want.

    I mean, really guys, yea our minds all wander from time to time but just go jerk off if thats what you need. The rush you get from sex with a stranger is short lived, if at all, and pointless. The idea that we have to get our rocks off with as many hot guys as possible is crazy!
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    yes
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    msuNtx said
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.


    Yay! Do you want to move to AZ, or should I move to Texas?
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    Chainers saidThis is the way I look at it.

    At a certain point in your relationship you either open it up or have sex without condoms (cant really do both in my opinion.)

    I would rather take the sex without a condom than to sleep with whoever I want.

    I mean, really guys, yea our minds all wander from time to time but just go jerk off if thats what you need. The rush you get from sex with a stranger is short lived, if at all, and pointless. The idea that we have to get our rocks off with as many hot guys as possible is crazy!


    I like those points icon_smile.gif
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jul 11, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    I prefer monogamous relationships, it's not the monogamy that's the problem. It's a willingness to put in work on other issues. It's been my experience that most guys are not willing to work, either on themselves or on the relationship.

    To me, wanting to stray is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is whatever other issues and incompatibility are going on in the relationship. If everything is going well emotionally and intellectually, who really wants someone else?
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.


    Yay! Do you want to move to AZ, or should I move to Texas?


    Both governors want gay people to have no rights so lets move to Massachusetts or hopefully Washington state allows gay marriage and we can move there and work at Microsoft icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    msuNtx said
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.


    Yay! Do you want to move to AZ, or should I move to Texas?


    Both governors want gay people to have no rights so lets move to Massachusetts or hopefully Washington state allows gay marriage and we can move there and work at Microsoft icon_smile.gif


    Ooh, I love Boston, let's do that. I'm a bitch when it comes to the cold though, so you'll have to keep me warm, mkay?
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.


    Yay! Do you want to move to AZ, or should I move to Texas?


    Both governors want gay people to have no rights so lets move to Massachusetts or hopefully Washington state allows gay marriage and we can move there and work at Microsoft icon_smile.gif


    Ooh, I love Boston, let's do that. I'm a bitch when it comes to the cold though, so you'll have to keep me warm, mkay?


    :/ I'll try. I haven't seen snow in 7 years so I don't know how to drive in that shit. But I am a good cuddler.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    running11 said
    Chainers saidThis is the way I look at it.

    At a certain point in your relationship you either open it up or have sex without condoms (cant really do both in my opinion.)

    I would rather take the sex without a condom than to sleep with whoever I want.

    I mean, really guys, yea our minds all wander from time to time but just go jerk off if thats what you need. The rush you get from sex with a stranger is short lived, if at all, and pointless. The idea that we have to get our rocks off with as many hot guys as possible is crazy!


    I like those points icon_smile.gif


    Finally someone agrees with me!

    I replaced hook ups (or lack thereof out here) with porn. Havent looked back ever since.

    I get my rocks off and deal with a whole lot less hassle!
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:22 AM GMT
    msuNtx said
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark said
    msuNtx said
    7Famark saidHere we go with the stupid biology argument, yet again..


    There are a ton of guys on this forum that value monogamy, so surely it is possible. Now...if only we all lived in the same city.


    I'll marry you bud. We can be monogamous together.


    Yay! Do you want to move to AZ, or should I move to Texas?


    Both governors want gay people to have no rights so lets move to Massachusetts or hopefully Washington state allows gay marriage and we can move there and work at Microsoft icon_smile.gif


    Ooh, I love Boston, let's do that. I'm a bitch when it comes to the cold though, so you'll have to keep me warm, mkay?


    :/ I'll try. I haven't seen snow in 7 years so I don't know how to drive in that shit. But I am a good cuddler.


    You are in good company. I've never driven in snow in my entire life.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:28 AM GMT


    Now now let's not be bashing open relationships, or the people in them.

    Being judgmental is lame, having an open mind and consideration of the differences of others is better, and an admirable quality.

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    Jul 11, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    Now now let's not be bashing open relationships, or the people in them.

    Being judgmental is lame, having an open mind and consideration of the differences of others is better, and an admirable quality.



    There is nothing wrong with open relationships, but they arent for me.

    Im just saying their are some of us who would rather come home to an imperfect man then fuck tons of perfect ones.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:30 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    Now now let's not be bashing open relationships, or the people in them.

    Being judgmental is lame, having an open mind and consideration of the differences of others is better, and an admirable quality.



    I'm just curious as to how an open relationship really makes your relationship better? It helps with sex, yes but it doesn't help with the feeling you get when your around your partner.
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    Jul 11, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    msuNtx said
    meninlove said

    Now now let's not be bashing open relationships, or the people in them.

    Being judgmental is lame, having an open mind and consideration of the differences of others is better, and an admirable quality.



    I'm just curious as to how an open relationship really makes your relationship better? It helps with sex, yes but it doesn't help with the feeling you get when your around your partner.


    The idea...to my understanding, is that the emotional connection with your partner isn't the issue, but proponents of open relationships are usually very sexually charged people and the idea of committing themselves sexually to one person for the rest of their lives isn't fathomable - so an open relationship allows them to satisfy their sexual "needs" within the boundaries of a relationship.