Til death do us part

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:07 PM GMT
    Hi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:10 PM GMT
    Try only doing threesomes????
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:10 PM GMT
    Do you share common interests? Shaun and I go to the gym together, play card games/video games together, go to the river/pond to fish...I mean, is the only thing y'all do together sex and fight?


    HottJoe saidHi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:13 PM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidDo you share common interests? Shaun and I go to the gym together, play card games/video games together, go to the river/pond to fish...I mean, is the only thing y'all do together sex and fight?


    HottJoe saidHi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?



    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Sounds like fun to me. I wouldn't be complaining.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Yes, we enjoy many of the same things and built a life together.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:18 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidSounds like fun to me. I wouldn't be complaining.


    I want more fun ;)
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    It's more fun that way. This means I'm a dom top with more important stuff to say than your silly post to which I am replying but which I relegate to submissive bottom status. icon_wink.gif

    Actually, I hate wading through long quoted crap just to get to the meat of what someone is saying and usually post like I would like to see the replies.

    jmusmc85 said
    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???


    On to the OP's question, well, questions. I can relate to almost all of what you are asking about.

    We had a lot of drama at various points over the years - never physical with each other, but other stuff was thrown and broken. Never by me but I definitely played my part in it. We've kinda gotten over that, for the most part - we're fighting much better these days. I don't chase the bf down and confront him like I used to, I say my piece then let him be when he's stewing, and he is more respectful in return. No one has threatened to walk out on the other in several years now, and it used to happen all the time when we were fighting. There are books I found helpful in having the "right' attitude when fighting. This one is for heteros and is a little dated but I have read it several times cover to cover. I HIGHLY recommend it.

    840732.jpg

    Drunk and surly doesn't work. If that's how he deals with things, and you want to stay with him, you can't make him change but you are gonna have to learn how to deal with it without internalizing it or taking it out on him. I don't love Alanon - a lot of victim posturing by a lot of folks - but it might be worth a few visits just to get a sense of commonality with guys who drink to much. My bf has been sober since 1988, so my experience here is more than a little dated.

    On the sex thing, well, it is really important to get on the same page. At least you're talking about it. What I do know is, if you can't get on the same page, you are probably going to get it elsewhere at some point in time. Even if you don't want to, even if you don't mean to. In our case, we finally realized we couldn't be absolutely everything to each other, forever and ever, so we opened things up a little. I would say, in my PERSONAL opinion, three ways are barely even open - you get to pick and choose together and it's all about finding someone who meets both your needs and wants. Not a huge deal IMO, if your egos can handle it.

    If you don't have other common interests and activities, look for them! We like cooking, TV (don't judge me), gardening, entertaining, travel, board and card games, etc. It doesn't have to be exotic - just something to bind you together when you're not having sex, which is most of the time even when you're horny little bastards.

    Hugs.



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    Jul 12, 2012 5:35 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidI want more fun ;)

    Don't you think that's normal, though? Seems to be the way we're wired, to want more. Even if you had enough that you were completely satisfied for awhile, you'd eventually return to the point of wanting more.

    Do you ever tell him you want more when you're sober?
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:37 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    ConfederateGhost saidDo you share common interests? Shaun and I go to the gym together, play card games/video games together, go to the river/pond to fish...I mean, is the only thing y'all do together sex and fight?


    HottJoe saidHi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?



    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???



    I KNOW SO Annoying! This bitch thinks he is a trailblazer or something
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    ConfederateGhost saidDo you share common interests? Shaun and I go to the gym together, play card games/video games together, go to the river/pond to fish...I mean, is the only thing y'all do together sex and fight?


    HottJoe saidHi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?



    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???



    Because he is a difficult twat, simply for the sake of being so. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:41 PM GMT
    How about common interests besides sex??
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:43 PM GMT
    Derp saidHow about common interests besides sex??



    Do you think we have a lot of common interests?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    unfounded7 said
    HottJoe saidI want more fun ;)

    Don't you think that's normal, though? Seems to be the way we're wired, to want more. Even if you had enough that you were completely satisfied for awhile, you'd eventually return to the point of wanting more.

    Do you ever tell him you want more when you're sober?


    I've started the conversation sober, but it usually doesn't end that way :/
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    Jul 12, 2012 5:47 PM GMT
    You see how confusing this is now??? It's like "What do I read first?!?! I don't know!! Ahhhhh!!!!"


    dontknowwhy said
    jmusmc85 said
    ConfederateGhost saidDo you share common interests? Shaun and I go to the gym together, play card games/video games together, go to the river/pond to fish...I mean, is the only thing y'all do together sex and fight?


    HottJoe saidHi, this is not a troll question, but trolls who are lol are welcome to respond. icon_smile.gif

    So, my bf and I have been together 8 years and we are a high drama couple--as in I can't imagine what the neighbors must think. We love each other and any attempt to break up ends in puddles of years. This happens more times per year than I could begin to estimate.

    We have fantastic sex, and he's a top most of the time, however I always feel like Peggy Bundy having to beg for it. He literally makes me feel deprived of sex and I tell him so. His answer is to get drunk and surly. I want to stay with him forever but I don't know if I want monogamy for the rest of my life and I told him that.

    Last night we had this conversation while we were perhaps a little more intoxicated than usual, and first he said if I want an open relationship, it's over, but after awhile of going over all of our fears v desires he says I should call up my friend so we can have a threesome. Then we both backtracked and decided to be monogamous again.

    Wtf, are two guys in their 30s who don't have religion or children supposed to do with each other for the rest of our lives?



    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???



    I KNOW SO Annoying! This bitch thinks he is a trailblazer or something
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:48 PM GMT
    Derp saidHow about common interests besides sex??


    We have a lot of common goals and interests, and also have our own hobbies.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    Thanks, this is really encouraging. I'll have him read your post too icon_smile.gif

    showme saidIt's more fun that way. This means I'm a dom top with more important stuff to say than your silly post to which I am replying but which I relegate to submissive bottom status. icon_wink.gif

    Actually, I hate wading through long quoted crap just to get to the meat of what someone is saying and usually post like I would like to see the replies.

    jmusmc85 said
    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???


    On to the OP's question, well, questions. I can relate to almost all of what you are asking about.

    We had a lot of drama at various points over the years - never physical with each other, but other stuff was thrown and broken. Never by me but I definitely played my part in it. We've kinda gotten over that, for the most part - we're fighting much better these days. I don't chase the bf down and confront him like I used to, I say my piece then let him be when he's stewing, and he is more respectful in return. No one has threatened to walk out on the other in several years now, and it used to happen all the time when we were fighting. There are books I found helpful in having the "right' attitude when fighting. This one is for heteros and is a little dated but I have read it several times cover to cover. I HIGHLY recommend it.

    840732.jpg

    Drunk and surly doesn't work. If that's how he deals with things, and you want to stay with him, you can't make him change but you are gonna have to learn how to deal with it without internalizing it or taking it out on him. I don't love Alanon - a lot of victim posturing by a lot of folks - but it might be worth a few visits just to get a sense of commonality with guys who drink to much. My bf has been sober since 1988, so my experience here is more than a little dated.

    On the sex thing, well, it is really important to get on the same page. At least you're talking about it. What I do know is, if you can't get on the same page, you are probably going to get it elsewhere at some point in time. Even if you don't want to, even if you don't mean to. In our case, we finally realized we couldn't be absolutely everything to each other, forever and ever, so we opened things up a little. I would say, in my PERSONAL opinion, three ways are barely even open - you get to pick and choose together and it's all about finding someone who meets both your needs and wants. Not a huge deal IMO, if your egos can handle it.

    If you don't have other common interests and activities, look for them! We like cooking, TV (don't judge me), gardening, entertaining, travel, board and card games, etc. It doesn't have to be exotic - just something to bind you together when you're not having sex, which is most of the time even when you're horny little bastards.

    Hugs.



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    Jul 12, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    Cool, glad I could be a little help. PM if you want to talk more.

    HottJoe saidThanks, this is really encouraging. I'll have him read your post too icon_smile.gif

    showme saidIt's more fun that way. This means I'm a dom top with more important stuff to say than your silly post to which I am replying but which I relegate to submissive bottom status. icon_wink.gif

    Actually, I hate wading through long quoted crap just to get to the meat of what someone is saying and usually post like I would like to see the replies.

    jmusmc85 said
    Why do you quote ABOVE the message???


    On to the OP's question, well, questions. I can relate to almost all of what you are asking about.

    We had a lot of drama at various points over the years - never physical with each other, but other stuff was thrown and broken. Never by me but I definitely played my part in it. We've kinda gotten over that, for the most part - we're fighting much better these days. I don't chase the bf down and confront him like I used to, I say my piece then let him be when he's stewing, and he is more respectful in return. No one has threatened to walk out on the other in several years now, and it used to happen all the time when we were fighting. There are books I found helpful in having the "right' attitude when fighting. This one is for heteros and is a little dated but I have read it several times cover to cover. I HIGHLY recommend it.

    840732.jpg

    Drunk and surly doesn't work. If that's how he deals with things, and you want to stay with him, you can't make him change but you are gonna have to learn how to deal with it without internalizing it or taking it out on him. I don't love Alanon - a lot of victim posturing by a lot of folks - but it might be worth a few visits just to get a sense of commonality with guys who drink to much. My bf has been sober since 1988, so my experience here is more than a little dated.

    On the sex thing, well, it is really important to get on the same page. At least you're talking about it. What I do know is, if you can't get on the same page, you are probably going to get it elsewhere at some point in time. Even if you don't want to, even if you don't mean to. In our case, we finally realized we couldn't be absolutely everything to each other, forever and ever, so we opened things up a little. I would say, in my PERSONAL opinion, three ways are barely even open - you get to pick and choose together and it's all about finding someone who meets both your needs and wants. Not a huge deal IMO, if your egos can handle it.

    If you don't have other common interests and activities, look for them! We like cooking, TV (don't judge me), gardening, entertaining, travel, board and card games, etc. It doesn't have to be exotic - just something to bind you together when you're not having sex, which is most of the time even when you're horny little bastards.

    Hugs.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    Do whatever you feel is best for you.

    My boyfriend and I have already had discussions about monogamy and open relationship status because I was wary of dating somebody so much older than I am when we started dating, but I soon realized that it's highly likely that nobody my age would be as caring, intelligent, and knowledgeable as he is.
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    Jul 12, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    Would you like one of the other 100 answers I've offered to others, or your own personal answer?


    jmusmc85 saidWhy do you quote ABOVE the message???
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    Jul 12, 2012 6:37 PM GMT
    Look at me!!! I'm just posting random shit anywhere because I'm unique and a flower!!!

    ConfederateGhost saidWould you like one of the other 100 answers I've offered to others, or your own personal answer?

    Here I go again!!!!

    jmusmc85 saidWhy do you quote ABOVE the message???


    My own. Cunt.
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    Jul 12, 2012 6:39 PM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidWould you like one of the other 100 answers I've offered to others, or your own personal answer?
    WE ARE NOT PSYCHIC.
    WE DO NOT HAVE ADVANCED TELEPATHIC READING SKILLS.
    WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE REPLYING TO WHEN YOU POST ABOVE THE QUOTE UNTIL AFTER WE SCROLL DOWN AND BACK UP.
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    Jul 12, 2012 6:43 PM GMT


    HottJoe, to add to showme's excellent posts and advice. Have you two examined the romantic aspects of your relationship? There's sex, there's companionship, and there's that romantic thing. icon_wink.gif


  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 12, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    The decision of having, or not having, an open relationship is a very personal one between couples.
    I can see both sides of the issue, but a couple has to come to the decision that works for them - and they have to be in complete agreement.
    I would suggest that you set aside a time to have an open, honest discussion on the matter. Sober, no drinking before or during. Agree to be honest with each other, and not get angry. The minute someone loses his temper the discussion gets shut down and will be re-visited when you can both stay calm.
    Lists the pros and cons of having an open relationship. Write down every point. Don't critize any point made. Discuss your reasons for and against.
    If you decide that it's not something that's good for you as a couple, then move on and work on the issues knowing that you are not going to open up the relationship sexually.
    If you decide that it's worth exploring, then set rules on how it will be done. The third party has to be agreeable to both of you. It will be a one time thing, with the plan to discuss what happened afterward and if it worked or not before you get involved again. If one of you did not like the experience, then you have to start the discussion over and decide to try again or not to. You have to agree to be adult about it and agree to not let it affect your relationship regardless of the outcome. And, you have to agree to not rush into it, to take steps to find the right person to join in and not the first guy that comes along. Don't go out, get drunk, and pick up some random guy. I would also be honest with the guy you choose and let him know it's your first time doing this so, he's not blind-sided. And, it's just sex, not an emotional involvement.
    I think the most important thing is that both of you openly and honestly communicate all of your feelings with each other, not hold anything back, and to agree to not let any discussion get out of hand and end in a big arguement. This may be the most difficult part since you admit to being a high drama couple. I also think you need to keep this discussion between the two of you and not bring friends into the conversation.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 12, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    HottJoe, to add to showme's excellent posts and advice. Have you two examined the romantic aspects of your relationship? There's sex, there's companionship, and there's that romantic thing. icon_wink.gif




    We have our moments but yeah you might be on to something.