Try putting yourself in this situation...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:01 AM GMT
    Let's say you've been dating a guy for a few months... and things are pretty much going great. However, one night he goes to a party, gets drunk, and ends up cheating on you.

    On a good note, he's the one who tells you about the incident. You don't hear about it from anybody else. Even if he begs and pleads to stay with you, telling you that you're his world, would you break up with him or stay with him?

    I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. I think i'm leaning towards dumping him. If I was his "entire world", wouldn't that mean he'd avoid putting himself in that situation in the first place? Then again... he was doing it under the influence so to speak. I have no damn clue what to do. icon_neutral.gif
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Aug 06, 2008 6:09 AM GMT
    Dump him, move on.
    BTW the best way to get over man is to get under another one!
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    Aug 06, 2008 7:11 AM GMT
    If I walked up to you and hit you in the face, then walked away, would you let me walk back up to you and hit you in the face again? There's your answer.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 06, 2008 7:59 AM GMT
    You mean he felt COMPELLED to tell you before somebody else did... because he KNEW you'd find out

    Dating for a few Months and he cheats?
    This is just the appetizer my man icon_confused.gif
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:04 PM GMT
    Dump him, he'll just do it again. Gay world is small so you'd hear about it anyways, and when is being drunk an excuse anymore?icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:10 PM GMT
    If you've only been dating a guy, it's presumptuous to think you're the only one he's dating, unless he's told you you're the only one. If he hasn't pledged fidelity to you, he's not cheating.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:12 PM GMT
    If monogamy was the understanding between the two of you, and he cheated on you in the first few months, then move on. Getting drunk is no excuse. You are only 20 there are a lot of men out there that are a better fit I am sure.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:18 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidIf monogamy was the understanding between the two of you, and he cheated on you in the first few months, then move on. Getting drunk is no excuse. You are only 20 there are a lot of men out there that are a better fit I am sure.



    Seriously, the BEST response!!! It all depends on what you 2 determined as the parameters of your relationship.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:21 PM GMT
    dump him.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:25 PM GMT
    haha well if i were in this situation, my reaction to the news would be something along the lines of "wow, was he hot!?", so i dont know how accurate my advice will be but...

    Men are hormonal creatures, and because he was drunk and horny his hormones got the best of him. He fucked another guy, but he still loves you. I'd say just talk about it with him; if you like him, it will be worth moving past.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:28 PM GMT
    BearCub17 saidhaha well if i were in this situation, my reaction to the news would be something along the lines of "wow, was he hot!?", so i dont know how accurate my advice will be but...

    Men are hormonal creatures, and because he was drunk and horny his hormones got the best of him. He fucked another guy, but he still loves you. I'd say just talk about it with him; if you like him, it will be worth moving past.

    I would give this advice had you been in a LTR with this guy; however, a few months... not a good sign. Move along.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:30 PM GMT
    Why did he go to the Party without you in the first place?


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    Aug 06, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    a1972guy said
    SurrealLife saidIf monogamy was the understanding between the two of you, and he cheated on you in the first few months, then move on. Getting drunk is no excuse. You are only 20 there are a lot of men out there that are a better fit I am sure.



    Seriously, the BEST response!!! It all depends on what you 2 determined as the parameters of your relationship.


    I don't know. Whether it was out of guilt or because he was afraid you'd hear it from someone else, he still felt the need to confess to you. Means he knew he was in the wrong. If there were no parameters either set or implied, he'd have nothing to confess. And he'd have no reason to "beg" or "plead" to stay with you. "Under the influence" isn't justification. If he's cheating on you already, to me it indicates what's to come...or that he's not ready to commit.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:40 PM GMT


    Oh man. If he was drunk enough to lose all perspective and cheat like that, using 'drunk' to excuse being out of control, how do you know the sex he had was SAFE?
    Drunk is no excuse, at all, at all. For practical as well as emotional reasons, walk, no, run.
    Some men, when they say they love you, also will say they love ketchup. Trust is like pastry, it can be repaired, but not restored to its virgin state.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:44 PM GMT

    PS

    Had a lover that did that. Back in the '70s. It took 10 days, 2 bottles of GBH lotion and everything in the house hot washed twice to get rid of the scabies and crabs.
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:54 PM GMT
    I'll be the contrarian voice here. I can only tell you what I would do. Assuming this is someone I really like and want to stay with, I would say to him,

    "You get one pass. If it happens again, things are over. No negotiation. If you can't control yourself when you get drunk, try drinking more moderately. No excuses. And trust is something easily lost and difficult to regain. Get started."
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    Aug 06, 2008 2:57 PM GMT
    you're asking a group of strangers?

    You know this guy better than any of us.
    Sounds like you need to dig a little deeper "directly" with this guy. Lay it out: you cheated bud, drunk or not, what's up with that??

    At face value, you asking strangers to help you make a decision in your relationship and him getting drunk and having sex with a some random guy makes it sound as though neither of you are ready/mature enough to make a committment and make it work.

    Sorry, sounds harsh but there it is in my book.

    Things have been going great, but you'd dump a guy based on my opion? really?
    ...or keep him for that matter.
    Grow a pair and tell him what you think.
    and good luck.
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    Aug 06, 2008 3:24 PM GMT
    a1972guy said
    SurrealLife saidIf monogamy was the understanding between the two of you, and he cheated on you in the first few months, then move on. Getting drunk is no excuse. You are only 20 there are a lot of men out there that are a better fit I am sure.



    Seriously, the BEST response!!! It all depends on what you 2 determined as the parameters of your relationship.


    Yup! Depending on the constructs of your relationship at this point and time, that's what you need to base your decision on. If the two of you are monogamously dating (and if it were me), sleeping with another individual automatically ends the relationship.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:07 PM GMT
    I think its a question you need to ask yourself. Will you be willing to put up with it? If he did it once, he will do it again! However, I dont think he did it with the intention of hurting you. Obviously he was thinking with the wrong head.

    Take care and good luck!
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    The author of this thread doesn't say if they had an agreement in place to be exclusive. If not, just because you are "dating" does not necessarily mean you are also exclusive.

    If the author is not OK with play outside the relationship, then drunk or not, this is probably not the right guy for you. Pretty simple.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    I believe monogamy is not an automatic thing that kicks in after a certain period of time....even if you love the guy.

    I would never assume monogamy or promise it unless I actually wanted it. I would never be monogamous because "it's what is expected".

    Your situation? The guy is human. If you love somebody....set them free from this "joined at the hip philosophy" and show them you are looking at the big picture.

    Life is not black and white. Big deal....the guy had sex with someone else. That doesn't mean all the other good stuff in your relationship is void.

    Trust? Instead of setting up an arbitrary idea of monogamy as the test, how about just honesty combined with reality?

    Dump him? Dumping him sounds like a typical cliched, knee jerk reaction designed to protect your pride. It is unrealistic to expect or demand perfection from him. This is the problem I see all couples have....trying to mold (force) a perfect little life that will make you feel safe, secure, loved and valued.....it ain't goin to happen that way. I don't think anyone could ever be "the entire" world for me. That's silly drama.


    You may be hurt, but he was honest with you.

    Each relationship is different. There is no best way or purer way. Whatever is honest and works.

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    Aug 06, 2008 6:39 PM GMT
    I think all any of us can do is tell you what we'd do if it happened to us but you've got to remember it's one of those situations you have to individualize. What works best for me and the guys above or below me may be very different for you.

    Personally I wouldn't be too impressed he told me. Was that out of guilt or fear you'd find out on your own? Don't use the fact he was drunk as a get out of jail free card. Too many guys who have been piss ass drunk haven't cheated on their bf's or gf's. Really the only thing he's done for your benefit is let you know he's not ready to be in a solid trusting committed one on one relationship. That should be your key to making your decision.

    It sucks. You sincerely like the guy but be selfish enough to do what's best for you.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:44 PM GMT
    I wouldnt dump him the first time. If you are ready to dump him so easily, I would question your commitment to the relationship.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:45 PM GMT
    BigSETXjock saidThe author of this thread doesn't say if they had an agreement in place to be exclusive. If not, just because you are "dating" does not necessarily mean you are also exclusive.

    If the author is not OK with play outside the relationship, then drunk or not, this is probably not the right guy for you. Pretty simple.


    You're right. I am guessing at least he felt it was a monogamous situation or this wouldn't be a concern for him. Also he says the bf felt guilty telling him he didn't want to lose him over this. Apparently both parties consider this non acceptable in their relationship.
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    Aug 06, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
    jsttennis77 said
    BigSETXjock saidThe author of this thread doesn't say if they had an agreement in place to be exclusive. If not, just because you are "dating" does not necessarily mean you are also exclusive.

    If the author is not OK with play outside the relationship, then drunk or not, this is probably not the right guy for you. Pretty simple.


    You're right. I am guessing at least he felt it was a monogamous situation or this wouldn't be a concern for him. Also he says the bf felt guilty telling him he didn't want to lose him over this. Apparently both parties consider this non acceptable in their relationship.


    "Feeling" like it's a monogamous relationship and actually being in one are two different things. Assuming one is in a monogamous relationship without discussing the issue with the other party is in itself detrimental. Never assume, always ask.