I'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years

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    Jul 13, 2012 5:20 AM GMT
    I have been a faithful husband to the only woman in my life for twenty years. I have two children, a lovely 12 year old daughter and a handsome 17 year old son. I am an established 48 year old man. For years I have been torn deep inside of my sexual preference. My marriage is like most, so I like to think, is "normal" but never perfect. We've had our ups and downs over the years and we had our share of arguments / disagreements. In the last four years I really believed my marriage was dissolving because my wife was secretly "flirting" with other men via the Internet quite extensively. It was to the point she was going out on "Ladies Night Out" with her friends and staying out real late. At one point she even secretly tried to arrange to meet one guy in person one weekend and tried to convince me not to go with her! I went with my wife and all went well. But, I could tell she had no feelings toward me. The times I caught my wife engaging in serious and explicit activity with other men on the Internet, I would approach her about it. Not always though. Her demeanor was like, as I would suspect, denial, angry, irrational, like a person who had given up and lost all feelings toward her husband. Like you got caught with your hand in the "cookie jar". You got the picture. It was a very difficult time to say the least and it really scared the hell out of me! My life was going right before my eyes and I believed I was going to loose everything! Most men do in these situations. So we like to think. Like I stated previously, I have been a faithful husband and I like to think I have also been a good husband to my wife. I am in love with my wife but I often wander her true feelings toward me to this very day. We do have sex but seldom and only when "she" wants to in most cases. Yes, she has indirectly ask for a divorce four times since we have been married. I never discussed her wishes with her. I would ignore or engage in this type of discussion with her. I do hope we will continue to be together, which I have been working very hard toward that end. My wife and anyone who knows me has no clue that I am "gay", which I have been ever since I was in my early twenties. If my wife would ever find out it would destroy my marriage and perhaps alienate me from some of my friends and family. The most frightening thought is that it would destroy any relationship I currently have with my lovely children. Prior to getting married, I have to say yes, I had sexual contact with other men of my age at the time. Only two and it wasn't much. More so in a manner for me to act upon my deep desires toward other men. This occurred when I was in my early twenties. I was confused and fighting within myself of my deep attraction toward other men. During this time I had experienced other men making advances toward me! However, fighting against my feelings deep inside, I would never act upon them. A few were very direct and to the point. On one occasion I had grounds for sexual assault! Thinking about that specific occasion, I remember very clearly that I really wanted to act upon this guys aggresive advances but I was holding back but desperately not wanting to. For over twenty years (!) I still am experiencing and fighting these gut wrentching feelings. This is the very first time I have spoken about any of this. I have always kept this deep dark secret inside me through all these years. I am getting older and I know soon that my chances of acting upon my deep life long feelings will become less likely in becoming a reality. Or at least not in the manner as I would like. Another part of this equation is that the feelings I have toward men totally go against they way I was raised and my faith. It is a VERY DIFFICULT and VERY LONELY experience. My journey has never taken me to the point of self harm or self destruction. I don't believe it ever will. I feel comfortable in sharing this with you, the reader, in this forum. I'm new to this forum and I have never visited such a forum in any manner until recently. Real Jock is the first. I stumbled across this site when I Googled gay material. The deep strong desires I have toward other men and dealing with the gut wrenching difficulties I've been experiencing all my life have finally driven me to this point. I feel comfortable in sharing this with you here, where I believe I will find people who will understand and possibly help me to deal with my life long difficulty of being "In the Closet" and the nightmares of "Coming Out".RESIZED TEXT GOES HERE
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:28 AM GMT

    "I am in love with my wife but I often wander her true feelings toward me to this very day."

    compared to

    " The deep strong desires I have toward other men and dealing with the gut wrenching difficulties I've been experiencing all my life have finally driven me to this point."

    This is sounding like BI, not gay, which is fine, you know.





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    Jul 13, 2012 5:39 AM GMT
    Hardlee saidI'm Married, In the Closet and Have Been for Years
    Sucks to be you. icon_twisted.gif












    Being gay or bi is hip now. Tell your wife. She'll probably say she's also bi and y'all can be swingers. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:40 AM GMT
    Clarification: I'm in love with my wife because yes I do love her, made commitment to her 20 years ago and she is the mother of my children. But I find I am not attracted to women but deeply attracted to men. I got married because I was forcing myself then not to act and go with my true feelings. I hope this provides clarity.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    Hardlee saidClarification: I'm in love with my wife because yes I do love her, made commitment to her 20 years ago and she is the mother of my children. But I find I am not attracted to women but deeply attracted to men. I got married because I was forcing myself then not to act and go with my true feelings. I hope this provides clarity.
    If there were truly no attraction, how did your dick get hard?

    That's why I came out at age 21. I tried to fuck a few women, but I just couldn't get it up...even with them sucking with all their might.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:48 AM GMT
    What are you trying to or want to do exactly?

    Are you trying to live a married life in the closet with no one knowing you are (possibly bi) gay?

    Are you trying to come out and live a gay life?

    Are you trying to find a way to end things on good terms with your wife?

    Or is this just something you need to vent?
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    Not to be cliche, but are you "in love" with her or just "love" her?

    Whatever the case, from what you say it doesn't sound like she's been emotionally in the marriage for awhile.

    In your opinion, do you even really have a marriage anymore outside of the legal sense?
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    Interesting question paulflexes. I don't know how to really answer it other than I know what my feelings are. Perhaps I was more "BI" then but now I do have difficulty getting hard with my wife. Like I have stated, I don't feel sexually attracted to women.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    Finally, a real gay role model. A healthy honorable man who stays true to how ows and, oh wait, you sound more like a confused teenage girl.
    Maybe you ae a confused teenage girl role model, cause you paint yourself as a terrible adult male, all confused about your life, your love, your attraction, your commitment and your partners.
    Yech.
    Drama much? Too bad you thought it so important to bring kids into such a mess. This is why they should not let straight people marry.
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:55 AM GMT
    Claystation saidWhat are you trying to or want to do exactly?

    Are you trying to live a married life in the closet with no one knowing you are (possibly bi) gay? Trying to.

    Are you trying to come out and live a gay life? Don't know but I know I am afraid to.

    Are you trying to find a way to end things on good terms with your wife? No, at least not as long as my children are dependants.

    Or is this just something you need to vent?
    Yes because like I stated I have never discussed this with NO ONE all these years.

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    Jul 13, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    Hardlee saidYes because like I stated I have never discussed this with NO ONE all these years.



    So you just need to vent?
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    Jul 13, 2012 5:58 AM GMT
    CABucky saidNot to be cliche, but are you "in love" with her or just "love" her? Yes but I don't believe to the point I should be.

    Whatever the case, from what you say it doesn't sound like she's been emotionally in the marriage for awhile. I strongly agree.

    In your opinion, do you even really have a marriage anymore outside of the legal sense?
    Yes at times and no at times. I believe she is working on our marriage as well.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    Claystation said
    Hardlee saidYes because like I stated I have never discussed this with NO ONE all these years.



    So you just need to vent?


    Not vent in the true sense of the word. Hoping to share my personal experience in a forum that I "thought" could help me understand my situation of being GAY and the difficulties I believe a good handful of people here would understand.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    I guess the question would be what type of resolution do you want?

    Your situation is complex but, unfortunately, not uncommon
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:10 AM GMT
    Hardlee said
    Not vent in the true sense of the word. Hoping to share my personal experience in a forum that I "thought" could help me understand my situation of being GAY and the difficulties I believe a good handful of people here would understand.


    You already understand your situation, it sounds like you want a way to cope with it. The problem is you need some kind of approval and it seems like you want it from your family (wife and kids).
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:11 AM GMT
    Claystation said
    Hardlee said
    Not vent in the true sense of the word. Hoping to share my personal experience in a forum that I "thought" could help me understand my situation of being GAY and the difficulties I believe a good handful of people here would understand.


    You already understand your situation, it sounds like you want a way to cope with it. The problem is you need some kind of approval and it seems like you want it from your family (wife and kids).


    Omg, who knew you were so insightful?
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:12 AM GMT
    7Famark said
    Omg, who knew you were so insightful?


    You mean meatheads cant have brains?
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    CABucky saidI guess the question would be what type of resolution do you want?

    Your situation is complex but, unfortunately, not uncommon


    That is why I believe this is a good site to actually have the courage to bring this out in this forum.

    I don't know what type of resolution I would like. However, I find though that I wished my wife did leave me or will. If that ever happens, I have promised myself I would NEVER mix with women again and definetely act on my life long feelings toward men.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:15 AM GMT
    Claystation said
    7Famark said
    Omg, who knew you were so insightful?


    You mean meatheads cant have brains?


    ur a meathead?!
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:17 AM GMT
    7Famark said

    ur a meathead?!


    So I've been told
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:17 AM GMT
    Claystation said
    7Famark said

    ur a meathead?!


    So I've been told


    shits rude!
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:18 AM GMT
    Claystation said
    Hardlee said
    Not vent in the true sense of the word. Hoping to share my personal experience in a forum that I "thought" could help me understand my situation of being GAY and the difficulties I believe a good handful of people here would understand.


    You already understand your situation, it sounds like you want a way to cope with it. The problem is you need some kind of approval and it seems like you want it from your family (wife and kids).
    He wants some gay pity sex, and then go back to a life with the ball and chain he's grown attached to.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:18 AM GMT
    7Famark said

    shits rude!


    meh
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:19 AM GMT
    Hardlee said
    CABucky saidI guess the question would be what type of resolution do you want?

    Your situation is complex but, unfortunately, not uncommon


    That is why I believe this is a good site to actually have the courage to bring this out in this forum.

    I don't know what type of resolution I would like. However, I find though that I wished my wife did leave me or will. If that ever happens, I have promised myself I would NEVER mix with women again and definetely act on my life long feelings toward men.


    Seems you want the marriage to end, but because she wants it to rather than you ending it because you have actually been gay your entire life.

    From your initial post though, it looks like she's fairly confrontational when approached on these matters. Honestly it doesn't sound like there's much of a marriage left, but it's a (understandably) a comfort zone for you.
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    Jul 13, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    CABucky said
    Hardlee said
    CABucky said


    Seems you want the marriage to end, but because she wants it to rather than you ending it because you have actually been gay your entire life.

    From your initial post though, it looks like she's fairly confrontational when approached on these matters. Honestly it doesn't sound like there's much of a marriage left, but it's a (understandably) a comfort zone for you.


    You're right. After 20 YEARS it's understandable how it can become a "comfort zone". Too much to loose and the difficulty of my children. It would be easier for her to end it than me. I made a "commitment" and I am the type of person I will ALWAYS live up to my commitments.