Just need to talk.

  • outsideguy

    Posts: 6

    Jul 15, 2012 1:29 AM GMT
    Ok, for starters sorry for the long story;


    I am 24 and have been with my partner since I was 18, we moved into together after a month of dating. The relationship has been a great one until about a year ago. At the beginning of our relationship I was very jealous of everything he did, like who he thought was cute or who looked at or talked to, this came about because I would always check his computer to see what he was doing and came across some myspace accounts he created pretending to be someone else and getting pictures of guys from the town we live in, it seems innocent but the conversations he would have, I would of considered it cheating. He got "caught" 5 times and has stopped as of about 3 years ago. I slowly got over it and moved on and now don't have any jealousy issues which is nice but things are very different now. He has always gotten annoyed if I wanted to hang out with friends or go do anything outside the house. I am a very social person and I haven't had real friendships in a long time because of this. I even tried joining a gym so I could work out but he wouldn't let me because "he knows what happens at gyms". But rarely we will do stuff together outside the house (bike, go eat, see a movie) but thats the extent of my social life and its taking a toll on me. We fight about once a week if not more, our sex life sucks, most of the time he just lays there and I do the work or just give up. I am an emotional person and he knows this but, never says 'love you" when he leaves or goes to bed, unless I say it first.

    I have always worried that I would do something to chase him away or make him unhappy, but in turn I have forgotten about myself and it feels like I am the one who is unhappy and being pushed away. I don't want our relationship to end, but I don't know how much more of this mentally I can take. I have a good job, but really can't afford to move out because I have always based my purchases (car other bills) on my current living situation. Plus the fact I have never really been on my own. I guess I'm just scared of the unknown. Part of me wants to live life, I know im not missing much, but I have never been to a bar or took a vacation on my own to travel, etc. I really don't know what to do, and I not asking for a answer, I just think there has to be someone who was or is in the same position as me.

    Again sorry for the long story and the scattered thoughts, just having a crappy day.
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    Jul 15, 2012 6:19 AM GMT
    He wouldn't let you join a gym!?!

    Kid, you have a much bigger problem than a crappy day. Sounds to me like your boyfriend is controlling to the point of emotional abuse. Start saving your money so you can gain some independence. Look for counselling, too, because you could benefit from the guidance of someone who can help you recognize when you are being taken advantage of.

    I get it: you dont like the status quo but are afraid of the alternative(s). Do something now before your fear of the unknown starts becomes too paralyzing.
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    Jul 15, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    Seems like a classic case of "I don't want you to see what's really out there so you don't leave my sorry ass." Pretty insecure of him, IMHO. (luckily you caught yourself doing something similar and stopped it years ago; that's commendable of you)

    You're human and your own person. You deserve to make your own choices. He doesn't get to decide that. Be patient and plan ahead to liberate yourself. It sounds scary, but your independence and happiness are worth it. It's always worth noting that your personal happiness is just as important as your partner's. Don't ever feel like one has more priority over the other.
  • Havasu

    Posts: 135

    Jul 15, 2012 6:31 AM GMT
    More evidence of my theory that the worse you treat a gay guy, the more likely he'll want you.
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    Jul 15, 2012 6:50 AM GMT
    Find a different guy, someone who actually wants to be with you.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:06 AM GMT
    You need to free him up so that he can fuck with someone else's head and get on with your life and do all those things that you want to do. So what if you are not in a relationship, you need to remember that that you are a worthwhile human being and life is too short to be miserable. All the best.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:27 AM GMT
    Any relationship that limits what you are able to do is a bad one. If your partner is telling you what you can and can't do, it is doomed to eventually fail.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:33 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidAny relationship that limits what you are able to do is a bad one. If your partner is telling you what you can and can't do, it is doomed to eventually fail.


    THIS
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:34 AM GMT
    Firebrand said
    SkittleGangsta saidAny relationship that limits what you are able to do is a bad one. If your partner is telling you what you can and can't do, it is doomed to eventually fail.


    THIS


    First hand experience, right?
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:36 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta said
    Firebrand said
    SkittleGangsta saidAny relationship that limits what you are able to do is a bad one. If your partner is telling you what you can and can't do, it is doomed to eventually fail.


    THIS


    First hand experience, right?


    lol yes. Most definitely... (Also, OMFG why haven't they broken up again yet?!)
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:56 AM GMT
    My ex was the exact same. Jealous of everything. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends without him, not allowed to join a gym for the same reason or go swimming. Our apartment building has a private pool and I was t allowed to be in there without him and he would only stay in there for a maximum of 30 minutes every few weeks. He'd read my email and phone messages. After I broke up with him he looked up my credit info and started yelling at me about using my credit card specifically referencing purchases. It was nuts. Sometimes it's hard to believe that someone you love is abusing you. I know it took me years to figure it out. Talk to your friends and relatives about it. It's likely they notice it too and are scared to bring it up. People love you and will do amazing things to make sure you'll be ok.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    Blueavenger saidAfter I broke up with him he looked up my credit info and started yelling at me about using my credit card specifically referencing purchases.


    O.O That is class A crazy
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    Jul 15, 2012 8:05 AM GMT
    That all sounds miserable.
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    Jul 15, 2012 8:08 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta said
    Blueavenger saidAfter I broke up with him he looked up my credit info and started yelling at me about using my credit card specifically referencing purchases.


    O.O That is class A crazy


    I was livid when I bought dinner and the next day he calls me and yells at me saying that he's not paying for the dinner I charge to my card. (this is after I left him, too)
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:25 AM GMT
    Hey there,

    I know how you feel, as I have been there before. He wasn't as controlling, but if I did do anything on my own, regardless of how innocent it was (watching a movie with friends) I would hear about it later. about how I was probably cheating on him. Everything in your post sounds exactly the same. My advice is to get out. TRUST me, its going to hurt A LOT, but you have to do you first. Take a look from the outside. If you were a stranger looking in on your relationship, would you think it was a healthy one? don't add in all the variables that you know, just what you see. I talked myself out of leaving all the time; he's just had a bad day, he just loves me too much, it was my fault anyway. they are all signs of emotional abuse. It will only get worse the longer you stay. Just b/c you leave, doesn't mean that he won't change in the future. Never block people out of your life for good, unless your life is better without them in it 100%. Save up the money or move in with a friend, watch your spending and try to move on past it. It has been 7 months since my break up and im still having problems. My self esteem is about a 1 and I constantly think I'm not good enough. I have just recently realized its b/c I was always made to believe I wasn't good enough. If you ever need to talk or anything, just shoot me a PM. Good luck!
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:34 AM GMT
    I feel your pain. I am in a 10 year relationship where it's gotten to the point of old married people. Our sex life sucks, and i know part of it's my fault, but he has let him self go physically, and he smokes which is a BIG problem. I don't think he cares enough about what I think to change though.
    I also feel like I can't have a social life or friends without him giving me grief about it every time we get in a argument or he says things like "you spend more time with so and so than you do with me" which is ridiculous.
    He has health issues, and can't do alot of stuff, so I feel like I'm missing out on life alot because he can't do stuff, or won't. I'm not entirely sure at this point.
    I feel like we've gotten to that point of being like an old couple who's going to spend the rest of our days sitting at home watching television or facebooking ourselves to death. FB is really my only social outlet besides the one or two people I maybe talk to at the gym once a month. It really sucks. I hate to see anyone else feeling the way I do.
    Shit this has now become more about me than you. Thanks for reminding me how much my life sucks icon_sad.gif

    But seriously, just want you to know you're not alone. I too feel like a prisoner sometimes. I'm not on a chain, but i feel very limited in what I really want to do. I guess that's a price for being in a relationship? I really don't know.
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:37 AM GMT
    oh and the fighting, yes lots of that here. And you feel like you lost yourself? Living your life to make someone else happy? But know if you leave you'll be very sad for a long time? Yep. But maybe it's worth it to try to work it out? Maybe things will change?
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Op..Why are you so submissive ??..This guy has got a grip on your mind and body...! Not Healthy...!!.. Are you independent enough to break away and be on your own??..This guy is making shure you can't do that!..Wish you luck..i really do..

    Do what i did to my X..chew up 5 pieces of Hubba Bubba chewing gum..and stick it in his armpit hair when he's sleeping..! He'll know your'e not happyicon_biggrin.gif
  • outsideguy

    Posts: 6

    Jul 15, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidOp..Why are you so submissive ??..This guy has got a grip on your mind and body...! Not Healthy...!!.. Are you independent enough to break away and be on your own??..This guy is making shure you can't do that!..Wish you luck..i really do..

    Do what i did to my X..chew up 5 pieces of Hubba Bubba chewing gum..and stick it in his armpit hair when he's sleeping..! He'll know your'e not happyicon_biggrin.gif



    Thanks for all the replies. Its weird because in my head I think what it would be like to be single and see what I have missed and life and "discover" who I am, but then I revert to the crap, "do I love him, should I leave, will he move on and find someone else in a week, can I be on my own?" I have tried talking to him about this and I have told him, that I want to hang out with friends (but he says that he doesn't like them and gets pissed when I try to hang out), When I told him I want to join a gym, besides the comment of he knows what goes on their, he says that I can't afford that (when my job gives me a discount at a local gym only $15 a month, but he spends 100s of dollars on bike stuff and pays around $30 for a porn site. I have even told him I wasn't happy and he says "i don't know what to tell you".

    Another thing that has started to really get to me is, the types of guys he is into... I am a slim guy and I feel that I look ok. But he always looks at guys right at 18 and they weigh like 110 pounds ( he likes twinks), it just takes a hit at my confidence because I am not that anymore. But its funny because he will spend a few hours looking at twink porn and sites like tumblr (I didn't snoop for that he does it right next to me) deep down I just wish he would spend half that time feeling the same feelings for me instead of lusting over some 18 year old.
    I know you guys are only getting one half of the story, but thanks for listening and helping me out.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    You guys sounds like an old married couple. Sad, cause you're not, you should both be enjoying life and travelling together. Maybe its time to move on.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:42 PM GMT
    outsideguy said
    Anocxu saidOp..Why are you so submissive ??..This guy has got a grip on your mind and body...! Not Healthy...!!.. Are you independent enough to break away and be on your own??..This guy is making shure you can't do that!..Wish you luck..i really do..

    Do what i did to my X..chew up 5 pieces of Hubba Bubba chewing gum..and stick it in his armpit hair when he's sleeping..! He'll know your'e not happyicon_biggrin.gif



    Thanks for all the replies. Its weird because in my head I think what it would be like to be single and see what I have missed and life and "discover" who I am, but then I revert to the crap, "do I love him, should I leave, will he move on and find someone else in a week, can I be on my own?" I have tried talking to him about this and I have told him, that I want to hang out with friends (but he says that he doesn't like them and gets pissed when I try to hang out), When I told him I want to join a gym, besides the comment of he knows what goes on their, he says that I can't afford that (when my job gives me a discount at a local gym only $15 a month, but he spends 100s of dollars on bike stuff and pays around $30 for a porn site. I have even told him I wasn't happy and he says "i don't know what to tell you".

    Another thing that has started to really get to me is, the types of guys he is into... I am a slim guy and I feel that I look ok. But he always looks at guys right at 18 and they weigh like 110 pounds ( he likes twinks), it just takes a hit at my confidence because I am not that anymore. But its funny because he will spend a few hours looking at twink porn and sites like tumblr (I didn't snoop for that he does it right next to me) deep down I just wish he would spend half that time feeling the same feelings for me instead of lusting over some 18 year old.
    I know you guys are only getting one half of the story, but thanks for listening and helping me out.


    Get out now. He is using and abusing you. Those feelings of "I still love him" are very deceptive. Leaving hurts. But you will feel infinitely better for doing so. Trust someone who's been there.

    $30 a month for a porn site? Really? Come on, man.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    So i'm all about toughing it out..balls to the wall...fighting to the end..BUT..
    This guy is not good for you!!...He has put all the tools in place so you can't move on...But you are young and this is a good step..
    OP i am assuming that you are being honest ..and not just venting..so i am posting accordingly...START PLANNING YOUR ESCAPE !!
  • outsideguy

    Posts: 6

    Jul 15, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidSo i'm all about toughing it out..balls to the wall...fighting to the end..BUT..
    This guy is not good for you!!...He has put all the tools in place so you can't move on...But you are young and this is a good step..
    OP i am assuming that you are being honest ..and not just venting..so i am posting accordingly...START PLANNING YOUR ESCAPE !!


    What do you mean with being honest or venting?
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    Way too young to be pretending to be in a relationship. Stop now.
  • outsideguy

    Posts: 6

    Jul 15, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidWay too young to be pretending to be in a relationship. Stop now.


    ? Don't quite know what you mean? LOL sorry its early