Handling loneliness

  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    I guess a little background would help.

    I was a late bloomer; I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 17. I've been single for almost 4 years now, and maybe some people love it but it's something that bothers me very much; I'm very much needy of love and not ashamed for that. It's constantly on my mind, especially trying to sleep at night. Even when I was a little boy, I hated sleeping by myself.

    I know that patience is a virtue and that you can't make anything happen with sturm und drang and just rushing around aimlessly; but there's got to be some kind of way to take the edge off of feeling so lonely? I'm almost constantly depressed by it, though I never let it show on my face ('Never let them see you sweat'), and nobody really knows about it. I don't particularly have anyone I could talk to who wouldn't just give me the same old blowoffs of 'Oh you'll find someone eventually' and a pat on the back; Yeah, I know that! The thing I need help with is the right now-- how to cope with it, strengthen my spirit and my resolve so I can keep my head up.

    Does anyone have things like personal philosophies or mantras or other such that help you to calm your heart when it's restless? I'd really appreciate any input; thank you all in advance.
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:05 AM GMT

    I did a lot of writing, and plumbed the depths of my emotions (no kiss til 20 yrs old) icon_wink.gif

    I used to do a lot of romantic reading, and reading quotes. Here's a fav of mine, "The soul is a lonely voyager, even at the best of times."

    Say, your title says synesthetic. We have something in common.

    warmly,

    -Doug

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    Jul 15, 2012 7:49 AM GMT
    If you really are lonely, a mantra isn't going to make you feel better. You either need to learn to be more independent and that it's not the end of world if you don't have a boyfriend, or get a boyfriend. There aren't any words that are going to make you feel better longer than 5 minutes after you hear them.

    Personally I get lonely really easily, so I know how you feel, but it really is something you just have to deal with.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:54 AM GMT
    patience.png
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:54 AM GMT
    I handle loneliness by grabbing it firmly with my hand, giving it a good rub and tug then rolling over asleep afterwards.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    ok, i am really not trying to be rude or anything at all. i just want to make that perfectly clear.

    neediness and clinginess are not attractive attributes. desperation reeks from miles away - and people can easily pick up on that. just because you WANT a relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean that you NEED one, or can even handle one.

    my advice is to focus on bettering yourself first to get over these issues. doing so will translate into a higher self-esteem, and you will exude confidence - which is a desirable attribute.
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    Jul 15, 2012 8:16 AM GMT
    Oh honey, your post seem pessimistic and down! So you're saying you're restless, depressed and sad because you don't have love and a bf in your life? Isn't that a common *problem for most gay guys in their early 20s? You're not alone. There is a red flag (in my opinion) in your statement when you said "I am very much needy and not ashamed of that", don't tell that to a potential dude on a first date, you'll scare him away. I interpret that statement as *I'm needy, controlling and need affection/attention from you most or all of the time*. Would you want to date someone who's very much needy most of the time? I think you should learn how to be happy with yourself first, follow your goals, passions, dreams (whatever those maybe) then when you're ready to meet *Him, it will be so much better on all levels. Having said all that, I sense your post may be a bit more serious citing that your spirit might be *broken and need to be strengthen*, I suggest you might want to talk to a therapist or a counselor to make you feel better. Good luck. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:49 PM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidpatience.png


    ^Image saved XD^
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    xsocalguy8x saidOh honey, your post seem pessimistic and down! So you're saying you're restless, depressed and sad because you don't have love and a bf in your life? Isn't that a common *problem for most gay guys in their early 20s? You're not alone. There is a red flag (in my opinion) in your statement when you said "I am very much needy and not ashamed of that", don't tell that to a potential dude on a first date, you'll scare him away. I interpret that statement as *I'm needy, controlling and need affection/attention from you most or all of the time*. Would you want to date someone who's very much needy most of the time? I think you should learn how to be happy with yourself first, follow your goals, passions, dreams (whatever those maybe) then when you're ready to meet *Him, it will be so much better on all levels. Having said all that, I sense your post may be a bit more serious citing that your spirit might be *broken and need to be strengthen*, I suggest you might want to talk to a therapist or a counselor to make you feel better. Good luck. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    Actually I would prefer to meet a guy who is needy of me that way. If he isn't needy of me, or if I'm not needy of him, then there's no point in being together other than the sex. I thank you for your advice, but anyone who is too much of a pussy to be upfront about the reality of their human needs is of no interest to me. Guys who are always confident come off like vain pricks to me because anyone who doesn't carry any baggage is lying.
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidI handle loneliness by grabbing it firmly with my hand, giving it a good rub and tug then rolling over asleep afterwards.


    I do that too! icon_lol.gif
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    getnassty saidok, i am really not trying to be rude or anything at all. i just want to make that perfectly clear.

    neediness and clinginess are not attractive attributes. desperation reeks from miles away - and people can easily pick up on that. just because you WANT a relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean that you NEED one, or can even handle one.

    my advice is to focus on bettering yourself first to get over these issues. doing so will translate into a higher self-esteem, and you will exude confidence - which is a desirable attribute.


    I'm confident enough to tell you that your advice sucks.
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidI handle loneliness by grabbing it firmly with my hand, giving it a good rub and tug then rolling over asleep afterwards.


    ^fukken lol'd
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    I did a lot of writing, and plumbed the depths of my emotions (no kiss til 20 yrs old) icon_wink.gif

    I used to do a lot of romantic reading, and reading quotes. Here's a fav of mine, "The soul is a lonely voyager, even at the best of times."

    Say, your title says synesthetic. We have something in common.

    warmly,

    -Doug



    Thank you, you're very nice. ^_^ I like the quote! It reminds me of Robert Frost for some reason. And yeah, synesthesia is kind of weird, isn't it?

    ~Seth

  • Jul 15, 2012 10:57 PM GMT
    I think a lot of us can relate. It's not easy being alone. Especially when it's been over an extended period of time. As human beings, we're programmed to want the personal, close interaction with another human being. We want that feeling of safety and security. I'm sure even the tallest, most built guy on this site could relate to that. It doesn't matter how many muscles you have, if the most important one isn't satisfied. Everyone longs to have that special someone to make them feel like they are worthy, and like they have value. It's not sad, it's human nature, and it's OK. It doesn't make us clingy, or needed, or pathetic. It makes us who we're supposed to be.

    I can't give you any clear cut advice on what you should do. There's no cure for being lonely, except for trying to stay a little busier. Of course going out with friends, seeing a movie, or burying yourself in your work isn't going to be a proper substitute for a hug, or sleeping next to someone you love.

    You have to just ride out the storm, and in the end, you will find someone...we all will. We just have to be more patient. I think because we see everyone around us in some sort of relationship, it makes us want it more. All we need to do is think--it's not time yet, but MAN, when it finally happens, it's going to REALLY be worth waiting for.

    Hang in there kid, it'll happen.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:19 PM GMT
    we all have needs for intimacy and i don't mean sex. i handle loneliness by putting myself out there to help others, even if it's not a huge help. it gets me out of my shell

  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Jul 15, 2012 11:33 PM GMT
    I can relate here...and feel it very strongly as I type this.

    OP, I know what you're going through and I have been alone all of my life. I have given up on a lot of my dreams and hopes, knowing they will never come to fruition for me. You are fortunate enough to have lots of living ahead of you. On the other hand, I feel that my best days are behind me and I'm ready for the end to come at any moment......

    You can handle loneliness better at a younger age. For me, it's a way of life and will be there until the end (soon, I hope).
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    turtleneckjock saidI can relate here...and feel it very strongly as I type this.

    OP, I know what you're going through and I have been alone all of my life. I have given up on a lot of my dreams and hopes, knowing they will never come to fruition for me. You are fortunate enough to have lots of living ahead of you. On the other hand, I feel that my best days are behind me and I'm ready for the end to come at any moment......

    You can handle loneliness better at a younger age. For me, it's a way of life and will be there until the end (soon, I hope).


    That is very depressing to read. You still have another 20 to 30 years ahead of you.

    I think you have to be comfortable in company of one (meaning just you alone)....you can't rely on people to fulfill you in any way. It is great if you find someone to be your other half or a great group of friends, but you can't always count on that.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:57 PM GMT
    synestheticxserenade said
    xsocalguy8x saidOh honey, your post seem pessimistic and down! So you're saying you're restless, depressed and sad because you don't have love and a bf in your life? Isn't that a common *problem for most gay guys in their early 20s? You're not alone. There is a red flag (in my opinion) in your statement when you said "I am very much needy and not ashamed of that", don't tell that to a potential dude on a first date, you'll scare him away. I interpret that statement as *I'm needy, controlling and need affection/attention from you most or all of the time*. Would you want to date someone who's very much needy most of the time? I think you should learn how to be happy with yourself first, follow your goals, passions, dreams (whatever those maybe) then when you're ready to meet *Him, it will be so much better on all levels. Having said all that, I sense your post may be a bit more serious citing that your spirit might be *broken and need to be strengthen*, I suggest you might want to talk to a therapist or a counselor to make you feel better. Good luck. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif


    Actually I would prefer to meet a guy who is needy of me that way. If he isn't needy of me, or if I'm not needy of him, then there's no point in being together other than the sex. I thank you for your advice, but anyone who is too much of a pussy to be upfront about the reality of their human needs is of no interest to me. Guys who are always confident come off like vain pricks to me because anyone who doesn't carry any baggage is lying.


    OP, I know he may have come off as too bold but I don't think he deserved your backlash either. Essentially, he is trying to tell you that as people we tend to be attracted to others when they are not only themselves but confident and proud of it. It's hard to view someone who really needs to be coddled as attractive. And to respond to the second part of your response, it's really a matter of perception; you should never make large sweeping assumptions personality characterstics until you really know someone, as this can prevent you from meeting really great people: just because someone is confident does not mean they do not have a great capacity to love you unconditionally and see you as their everything. Some people I could not stand turned out to be my best friends. And I don't expect the love of my love to necessarily knock me off my feet, but if they do "hey" I will be able to handle it, and not assume he's a jerk! People have a mass mentality: they see you with friends laughing and they want you, because they see someone who has a great spirit ... it's hard to let our inner selves shines when we go out alone, thought it is really courageous! I suggest your surround yourself with those that love you, treat yourself to a dose of love everyday; slowly you will not be able to handle all the attantion guys will give you ...
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    HI Syn. I haven't read all of the responses, so apologies in advance if I echo that which others have said.

    My advice is to let go of your loneliness and instead focus on serving others. Not just occasionally. Instead, dig in hard. Help the homeless. Feed the hungry. Encourage the abused and neglected. Help a child learn a sport. And consider serving on the board of a non-profit. (As someone who works for a non-profit, I can tell you that volunteers are our lifeblood.)

    Why my suggestion? Because loneliness is usually part and parcel of boredom. But when you work to make the world a better place, you fill your day. You get the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve cared for others. And possibly you will find that you’re actually in a good place in life.

    The other thing is that you’ll meet other good, decent people who care about others and try to do the right thing. So you’ll not only make new friends, but you’ll likely meet the sort of guys who are really dateable—decent guys who will make you feel good about yourself.

    I hope this is helpful and that you’ll let me know how things go. Feel free to drop me a line if I can do anything to help you—I would love to hear how things turn out for you!


  • rowerchgo

    Posts: 31

    Jul 16, 2012 12:39 AM GMT
    I read somewhere that you shouldnt tie your hapiness to a person, place or goal.... Those are outside your control and should be enjoyed for the moment. Enjoy your life for yourself, go out and make friends, join a gay sports league, volunteer.... Having a boyfriend is not that much better than any of those things, enjoy what you have :-)

    And btw, whats up with the italics? Lol
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    synestheticxserenade saidI've been single for almost 4 years now


    OMFG DYING OF LOLS

    (OP, you just walked right into one of this site's biggest inside jokes)
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:43 AM GMT


    The summer sky, a tangy blue,
    Emotions, smooth, and jagged too,
    The sound of waves pulse in the dark,
    Across my eyes the colours spark,
    10 years ago, so far away,
    10 years from now; like some highway,
    Senses cross-connected, why?
    I can't explain it, still I try,
    The cinnamon that's in your voice,
    The sounds of colours of your choice,
    The squeezing pressure from your tension,
    - I could tell without your mention,
    It's a gift, or just a curse?
    I'll take it 'cause there's things far worse,
    It gives new meaning, anyway,
    To seeing what you have to say! icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Jul 16, 2012 6:32 AM GMT
    eurofreak said
    OP, I know he may have come off as too bold but I don't think he deserved your backlash either. Essentially, he is trying to tell you that as people we tend to be attracted to others when they are not only themselves but confident and proud of it. It's hard to view someone who really needs to be coddled as attractive. And to respond to the second part of your response, it's really a matter of perception; you should never make large sweeping assumptions personality characterstics until you really know someone, as this can prevent you from meeting really great people: just because someone is confident does not mean they do not have a great capacity to love you unconditionally and see you as their everything. Some people I could not stand turned out to be my best friends. And I don't expect the love of my love to necessarily knock me off my feet, but if they do "hey" I will be able to handle it, and not assume he's a jerk! People have a mass mentality: they see you with friends laughing and they want you, because they see someone who has a great spirit ... it's hard to let our inner selves shines when we go out alone, thought it is really courageous! I suggest your surround yourself with those that love you, treat yourself to a dose of love everyday; slowly you will not be able to handle all the attantion guys will give you ...


    Why thank you eurofreak for *interpreting* my *hidden* message, you're cool in my book. icon_biggrin.gif I also think that part of this will come with age/maturity level through dating/sex/love experiences which some guys do have and some just don't.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    OP..Do you think you need someone to "Complete You"??...(Not being rude ).. Put your self in a position where you have the guys beationg down the door..Love yourself..your family...others..build solid friendships with solid people so you have a more objective view of who you are and what you need to improve..remember it starts with you..and.."A MAN IS NOT A PLAN"..Amen..(I am starving)icon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    I would encourage you to get involved in organizations or a charity that interests you so you can at least "get out there" and be in a place to meet people... and a special guy .. if that comes up. Even if you don't meet anybody initially, giving your time can be a huge help to those who perceive that they are lonely.

    I spend some time alone and enjoy it, but I also spend alot of time with clients, friends, family and social activities.