Fear of aging alone!!

  • Geklamie

    Posts: 5

    Jul 15, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    I have to say that as I grow up, my fear of living a lonely future increases takes over my thoughts at night. Not that I can't enjoy myself's company, because I really do...but seeing my school friends getting engaged and some that are even getting married gets me thinking: What the hell is going to happen with someone like me?!

    Well I wouldn't really mind being single in my full "twenties" decade length of time...but I think I'd like a hug or kiss from someone special when I'd have a crappy day at work or a fight with my boss...I might not feel comfortable sharing my bed at night with someone as a 21 year old, but I'd never want to sleep alone when in need of someone beside me!!

    You see...that's the way gay men think of their future in the Middle East. Not that I am complaining, but I'm just saying that men's situation in the region is so fucked up! Living here is like a long laugh you'd get after hearing a good joke, only to realize that it doesn't mean anything at all as you stop laughing.


    I do always tell myself: But you're 21...all the life ahead of you idiot!!!

    ...But yea, 21 years passed like 21 days!! and it doesnt get any slower, a few years time you'd find yourself 35 and a lil bit more, you recognize you're turning 54 next month.

    Life goes on fast I must say...I mean for the LOVE OF JESUS the first Lord of the Rings movie is11 years old now!!!!
    and trust me on that one, time -truly- would never move any slower, anymore.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:32 AM GMT
    I feared this too for a long, long time. Through much pain and beauty I realized how codependent I really am. Everything changed after that, and I no longer feel that I could ever be lonely. You must give love, not lust nor despise, to receive love back.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:52 AM GMT
    I'm going to be 40 next month (yikes!). But I understand. Just do what makes you happy in life and follow your dreams as corny as that sounds. Don't wait til you're my age and regret not doing so much. Believe me, relationships will hit you in the head like a bowling ball when you least expect it.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:56 AM GMT
    Don't live in fear of your future. Live in appreciation of your moment. Freeing up the emotional worry space, you may find that you'll look around to discover amazing things right in front of you.
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    Jul 15, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    In my 20s I wanted a life companion. Someone to date and be commited to. I hated the way my gay community was so racially divided and didn't value relationships. The words like "date" or "love scared them off. Everthing was just sex, sex, and more sex. Well as good as sex feels, its overated when it comes to the needs of the human spirit. So anyways, alone I was as I'd see those in my age group, straight friends, straight family getting married and so on. It made me think those same thoughts you currently have. I came to accept that I cannot compare my life to others. I have to live my own path and follow my own aspirations. I have to believe and have faith that I will be happy and find contentment whether that be with someone or without. Please don't feel like you're alone in that mind set of wondering what will become of yourself being alone. Anyone in touch with their humanity goes through it. All men need fellowship. Like some have mentioned, with more growth you will evolve in the way you look at and deal with life. Cherish the moments you have that are good. Hold on to the people that matter in your life. Hold onto those who come into your life and bring joy to it. Embrace the love of others and return that love. Soon that special person just might walk by and feel your love being spread, and then decide they want to draw in closer. icon_smile.gif And its not always who or what you expect.
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    Jul 15, 2012 1:13 PM GMT
    Single people are now the norm. In Canada, as of the previous census in 2006, for the first time in history, there are more single people than married/partnered/common-law. http://www12.statcan.gc.ca/census-recensement/2006/rt-td/ms-mat-eng.cfm

    Do not measure your personal success on your relationship status. Be the best person that you can be, and relationships will follow. The relationships of tomorrow may not look like they do in the past. They may look like a series of deep friendships which change and grow over time. They may not be locked down in a marriage certificate, but rather in common law collaborations. I have an ex (a man) who fathered two children for a lesbian couple, and he remains the "father" of the children, while the child lives with the lesbian mothers. He has a great relationship with the kids and the lesbian couple, and he is in a gay relationship. I know of open relationships where two men are married, but they play sexually with other couples or singles, and maintain their own household and intimate bond with each other. I know single guys who have multiple partners whom they love (polyamorous) and share deep intimate friendships like they couples do, but they prefer to live on their own. And I know married people who look like the traditional couple and share their lives together, have 2 children, own property together, but they don't sleep together, they sleep with other people. Relationships are changing. You can define whatever works for you.

    But I understand your fear. I was in a long term relationship and we were supposed to get married too, but things fell apart. He wasn't ready to change. It was difficult for me to accept and I felt abandoned and alone. But ultimately, we remained friends, and I became a stronger person on my own. Sleeping alone is great, until you learn to sleep with someone else... and then you have to get used to sleeping alone again.
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    Jul 15, 2012 1:21 PM GMT
    There's nothing wrong with being alone
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    Jul 15, 2012 1:25 PM GMT
    Geklamie saidI have to say that as I grow up, my fear of living a lonely future increases takes over my thoughts at night. Not that I can't enjoy myself's company, because I really do...but seeing my school friends getting engaged and some that are even getting married gets me thinking: What the hell is going to happen with someone like me?!

    Well I wouldn't really mind being single in my full "twenties" decade length of time...but I think I'd like a hug or kiss from someone special when I'd have a crappy day at work or a fight with my boss...I might not feel comfortable sharing my bed at night with someone as a 21 year old, but I'd never want to sleep alone when in need of someone beside me!!

    You see...that's the way gay men think of their future in the Middle East. Not that I am complaining, but I'm just saying that men's situation in the region is so fucked up! Living here is like a long laugh you'd get after hearing a good joke, only to realize that it doesn't mean anything at all as you stop laughing.


    I do always tell myself: But you're 21...all the life ahead of you idiot!!!

    ...But yea, 21 years passed like 21 days!! and it doesnt get any slower, a few years time you'd find yourself 35 and a lil bit more, you recognize you're turning 54 next month.

    Life goes on fast I must say...I mean for the LOVE OF JESUS the first Lord of the Rings movie is11 years old now!!!!
    and trust me on that one, time -truly- would never move any slower, anymore.

    facepalm-lioncopy.jpg

    You know, there is no guarantee that you will grow old. Lots of people die young. You could be one of them. Ever think of that? Well, there you go something new to worry about.
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    Jul 15, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    michalchi29 saidThere's nothing wrong with being alone
    ...with you! icon_wink.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 15, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    A lot of guys feel that way. Pick one and spend your life with him, through thick and thin. Agree to disagree sometimes and try to never go to bed angry. Show one another the respect and love you both deserve.... And don't let the sex dry up, because that's poison.

    That recipe may sound daunting, but remember if you do it right, it only has to happen once. (:
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Jul 15, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidDon't live in fear of your future. Live in appreciation of your moment. Freeing up the emotional worry space, you may find that you'll look around to discover amazing things right in front of you.


    This.
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    "....but I think I'd like a hug or kiss from someone special when I'd have a crappy day at work or a fight with my boss...
    .....but I'd never want to sleep alone when in need of someone beside me!!"

    I hear ya and wonder about the same things.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jul 15, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Get a dog --- problem solved icon_wink.gif

    Romeo.jpg
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    Geklamie saidI have to say that as I grow up, my fear of living a lonely future increases takes over my thoughts at night. Not that I can't enjoy myself's company, because I really do...but seeing my school friends getting engaged and some that are even getting married gets me thinking: What the hell is going to happen with someone like me?!

    Well I wouldn't really mind being single in my full "twenties" decade length of time...but I think I'd like a hug or kiss from someone special when I'd have a crappy day at work or a fight with my boss...I might not feel comfortable sharing my bed at night with someone as a 21 year old, but I'd never want to sleep alone when in need of someone beside me!!

    You see...that's the way gay men think of their future in the Middle East. Not that I am complaining, but I'm just saying that men's situation in the region is so fucked up! Living here is like a long laugh you'd get after hearing a good joke, only to realize that it doesn't mean anything at all as you stop laughing.


    I do always tell myself: But you're 21...all the life ahead of you idiot!!!

    ...But yea, 21 years passed like 21 days!! and it doesnt get any slower, a few years time you'd find yourself 35 and a lil bit more, you recognize you're turning 54 next month.

    Life goes on fast I must say...I mean for the LOVE OF JESUS the first Lord of the Rings movie is11 years old now!!!!
    and trust me on that one, time -truly- would never move any slower, anymore.


    Don't worry. If you're trying to conform to Western standards, you still have a few years to play the dating game, find your partner, get a mortgage on a split-level with a 2-car garage, adopt 2.5 kids, & live happily ever after.

    For us over-the-hill single guys, however, it's apparently a horrid, horrid story.
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    This is the price we pay as gay men without children, whether by accident or design; at best, we'll be favorite uncles rating a couple cards, phone calls or letters a year from our siblings' preoccupied grown progeny. Even partnered, if widowed we only have each other as a community for support. That's what I fear.
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    Your way of thinking is not bad at all..So now one of your goals is to organize your life in such a way that you are not alone when you are old...Start out by building solid friendships...trust me...Great things come from solid friendships !!..including long lasting relationships..Hugz!
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidGet a dog --- problem solved icon_wink.gif

    Romeo.jpg


    absolutely a good place to start...refocuses your attention outward.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 15, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidThis is the price we pay as gay men without children, whether by accident or design; at best, we'll be favorite uncles rating a couple cards, phone calls or letters a year from our siblings' preoccupied grown progeny. Even partnered, if widowed we only have each other as a community for support. That's what I fear.


    Eh, doesn't sound like anything to fear, especially as you point out we have a whole community. (:
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    I've been dealing with this as of late. So many gay guys, are just so about sex, and sex, and sex. Sex is fine, but, it's rather an empty thing.

    CNN talked about this a while back. In the 1980's folks had 2.5 close friends on average. Now, with our electronic, compartmentalized, world, folks are at just 1 close friend, if they're lucky.

    More folks are single.

    Modern research says you need to do three main things to lead a long and happy life. 1. Eat right. 2. Exercise. 3. Avoid loneliness.

    I've given this lots of thought, after my very good friend lived with me for 3.5 years, and then, moved, and abruptly disconnected. It has given me a whole range of emotions, the most prevalent of which is loneliness. No fights, no bickering. It just ended. Despite my efforts to evolve our friendship to a new place, it's not happened. I am desperately lonely many days.

    I've tried to engineer an "intelligent community" and gone to meetups, moved to a social place, hang by the pool, etc. I've not met a new best friend. I'm very lonely.

    I think many young folks, and gay folks, too..have lost the ability to communicate aurally, and get stuck in GPS apps like Grinder, Scruff, or Hornet, or adam4adam and go from 1 trick to another. DFW is especially that way, and is a very cliquish place.

    In 2012, it's amazing to see the number of gay head cases lurking with torso shots, and incapable of any level of enduring relationship / friendship with folks.

    As of late, media sources say nearly 35% of all middle aged men are reporting feeling lonely. We isolate ourselves in climate controlled places, and do not shake enough hands.

    I lived by myself for many years, and..for many years, especially in my 20's and 30's I got enough social interaction from work and the gym, and was happy to live alone, but, now... my heart hurts. It is a horrible feeling, but, it's reality, and, of course, there will be another day, and, given time and creating the right situations, someone else will come along, perhaps, at some point.

    Being lonely is hard on your physical and mental health. That doesn't mean that a 21 year old kid has to be "partnered" but we all like to know that we're loved, needed, wanted, and that we matter to someone, even if it's just one person... It's part of the human condition.

    My parents were married for 58 years. Mom passed on 3 years ago this past June, and it was so very hard on Dad. Dad now has congestive heart failure, and can't live alone, but, he lives in a community in Nebraska where he goes to breakfast, dinner, and supper, with folks he has known for 80 years, as part of the village where he lives. I think many of us long for that community.

    Being lonely isn't a need for panic, but, it's better to not be alone, and, it's a natural thing, and it's good for us not to be lonely.

    Relationships change, for whatever reason, and that's life's cycle, but, enduring relationships are a precious thing. So many gay men seem scared to even be friends, much less have an enduring friendship. On to the next trick.

    It's o.k. to be an introvert, but if you aren't, being alone can be tough.

    I make a very good living (6 figures plus), have reasonably good health for my age, but...I am at a point in my life that I'd love to share it with someone...a friend, a partner...Working out helps, but...it's not enough. I'm not into religion or folks who don't take care of themselves, so that narrows the field...and..I'm gay...which really narrows the field. I have a job that allows me to work from anywhere and I don't have a office in any real sense. (I work for a F500 networking company.)

    I did a social experiment on ourtime.com. I put my pictures up in a straight profile. It is overwhelmed with responses, but, I just don't think I can go there with any level of integrity.

    I get inundated by creepy gay guys without a last name, or, sometimes, even a first name. While I sometimes remove the "filter" here, if you know me well, you know I'm kind to the fault, a giver, and very compassionate.

    I don't know the answer other than that life can change in an instant, and that at times we feel alone, we are not alone in how we feel.

    One man's codependency might well be another's synergy. It's all perspective, I suppose.

    Instant messaging is NOT the same as a good friend. Not even close. We all like to be part of the village.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 15, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're a great catch. I can't imagine why you're having trouble finding a partner. Treat the guys you're with respectfully and you'll find love (:


    chuckystud saidI've been dealing with this as of late. So many gay guys, are just so about sex, and sex, and sex. Sex is fine, but, it's rather an empty thing.

    CNN talked about this a while back. In the 1980's folks had 2.5 close friends on average. Now, with our electronic, compartmentalized, world, folks are at just 1 close friend, if they're lucky.

    More folks are single.

    Modern research says you need to do three main things to lead a long and happy life. 1. Eat right. 2. Exercise. 3. Avoid loneliness.

    I've given this lots of thought, after my very good friend lived with me for 3.5 years, and then, moved, and abruptly disconnected. It has given me a whole range of emotions, the most prevalent of which is loneliness. No fights, no bickering. It just ended. Despite my efforts to evolve our friendship to a new place, it's not happened. I am desperately lonely many days.

    I've tried to engineer an "intelligent community" and gone to meetups, moved to a social place, hang by the pool, etc. I've not met a new best friend. I'm very lonely.

    I think many young folks, and gay folks, too..have lost the ability to communicate aurally, and get get stuck in GPS apps like Grinder, Scruff, or Hornet, or adam4adam and go from 1 trick to another. DFW is especially that way, and is a very cliquish place.

    In 2012, it's amazing to see the number of gay head cases lurking with torso shots, and incapable of any level of enduring relationship with folks.

    As of late, media sources say nearly 35% of all middle aged men are reporting feeling lonely. We isolate ourselves in climate controlled places, and do not shake enough hands.

    I lived by myself for many years, and..for many years, especially in my 20's and 30's I got enough social from work and the gym, and was happy to live alone, but, now... my heart hurts. It is a horrible feeling, but, reality, and, of course, there will be another day, and, given time and creating the right situations, someone else will come along, perhaps, at some point.

    Being lonely is hard on your physical and mental health. That doesn't mean that a 21 year old kid has to be "partnered" but we all like to know that we're loved, needed, wanted, and that we matter to someone, even if it's just one person... It's part of the human condition.

    My parents were married for 58 years. Mom passed on 3 years ago this past June, and it was so very hard on Dad. Dad now has congestive heart failure, and can't live alone, but, he lives in a community in Nebraska where he goes to breakfast, dinner, and supper, with folks he has known for 80 years, as part of the village where he lives. I think many of us long for that community.

    Being lonely isn't a need for panic, but, it's better to not be alone, and, it's a natural thing, and it's good for us not to be lonely.

    Relationships change, for whatever reason, and that's life's cycle, but, enduring relationships are a precious thing. So many gay men seem scared to even be friend, much less have an enduring friendship. On to the next trick.

    It's o.k. to be an introvert, but if you aren't, being alone can be tough.

    I make a very good living (6 figures plus), have reasonably good health for my age, but...I am at a point in my life that I'd love to share it with someone...a friend, a partner...Working out helps, but...it's not enough. I'm not into religion or folks who don't take care of themselves, so that narrows the field...and..I'm gay...which really narrows the field. I have a job that allows me to work from anywhere and I don't have a office in any real sense. (I work for a F500 networking company.)

    I did a social experiment on ourtime.com. I put my pictures up in a straight profile. It is overwhelmed with responses, but, I just don't think I can go there with any level of integrity.

    I get inundated by creepy gay guys without a last name, or, sometimes, even a first name. While I sometimes remove the "filter" here, if you know me well, you know I'm kind to the fault, a giver, and very compassionate.

    I don't know the answer other than that life can change in an instant, and that at times we feel alone, we are not alone in how we feel.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    Obsessive fear of ending up alone (especially at 21) seems pretty neurotic. You could find the lifelong partner of your dreams tomorrow, live with him for 30 years, and then misfortune could take him away from you, and you'd be just as "alone" at 51 as you are now. There are no guarantees in life, and there is no safeguard against being "alone." I put "alone" in quotes because, at the end of the day, we're all alone and none of us alone. You can try all you want to temporarily bypass your fear of being alone, but it will always be there regardless of who is sharing your bed or your home - that is, unless you deal with this fear as a symptom of your relationship with yourself, your spiritual life and your life in general. I'd recommend rather than looking outward for the partner that is going to save from your fear of growing old "alone" (something no one can really do), you turn your attention inward, and make a choice to gain deeper consciousness as to what is really at the root of this fear. Work on your relationship to your life and your spirituality, and this knee-jerk fear of growing old alone will no doubt shift one day. This is truly a disease of perception.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Jul 15, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    guyathome74 saidIn my 20s I wanted a life companion. Someone to date and be commited to. I hated the way my gay community was so racially divided and didn't value relationships. The words like "date" or "love scared them off. Everthing was just sex, sex, and more sex. Well as good as sex feels, its overated when it comes to the needs of the human spirit. So anyways, alone I was as I'd see those in my age group, straight friends, straight family getting married and so on. It made me think those same thoughts you currently have. I came to accept that I cannot compare my life to others. I have to live my own path and follow my own aspirations. I have to believe and have faith that I will be happy and find contentment whether that be with someone or without. Please don't feel like you're alone in that mind set of wondering what will become of yourself being alone. Anyone in touch with their humanity goes through it. All men need fellowship. Like some have mentioned, with more growth you will evolve in the way you look at and deal with life. Cherish the moments you have that are good. Hold on to the people that matter in your life. Hold onto those who come into your life and bring joy to it. Embrace the love of others and return that love. Soon that special person just might walk by and feel your love being spread, and then decide they want to draw in closer. icon_smile.gif And its not always who or what you expect.



    Preach!!! I get approached by guys on the regular, however I know what they are looking for, but that's not what I'm looking for so I keep it moving.

    black-women-church-men.jpeg
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    Jul 15, 2012 4:29 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidCNN talked about this a while back. In the 1980's folks had 2.5 close friends on average. Now, with our electronic, compartmentalized, world, folks are at just 1 close friend, if they're lucky.

    That's a quite sobering statistic, and validates somewhat my anachronistic inability to share enough of myself online to make genuine friends. All my straight friends I met in the offline world and I made all my real gay friends, the ones who last, 20 years ago.


    HottJoe said
    Eh, doesn't sound like anything to fear, especially as you point out we have a whole community. (:

    Related to chuckystud's post, what I really feared was relying on the gay community, which is largely virtual with fewer consequences for bad behavior.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 15, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    eagermuscle said
    chuckystud saidCNN talked about this a while back. In the 1980's folks had 2.5 close friends on average. Now, with our electronic, compartmentalized, world, folks are at just 1 close friend, if they're lucky.

    That's a quite sobering statistic, and validates somewhat my anachronistic inability to share enough of myself online to make genuine friends. All my straight friends I met in the offline world and I made all my real gay friends, the ones who last, 20 years ago.


    HottJoe said
    Eh, doesn't sound like anything to fear, especially as you point out we have a whole community. (:

    Related to chuckystud's post, what I really feared was relying on the gay community, which is largely virtual with fewer consequences for bad behavior.


    I think you're a great guy and you add a lot to our virtual community. Not sure that helps to ease your fears, but I think it's gotta count for something. (:
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    Jul 15, 2012 5:08 PM GMT
    NyRuinz said
    guyathome74 saidIn my 20s I wanted a life companion. Someone to date and be commited to. I hated the way my gay community was so racially divided and didn't value relationships. The words like "date" or "love scared them off. Everthing was just sex, sex, and more sex. Well as good as sex feels, its overated when it comes to the needs of the human spirit. So anyways, alone I was as I'd see those in my age group, straight friends, straight family getting married and so on. It made me think those same thoughts you currently have. I came to accept that I cannot compare my life to others. I have to live my own path and follow my own aspirations. I have to believe and have faith that I will be happy and find contentment whether that be with someone or without. Please don't feel like you're alone in that mind set of wondering what will become of yourself being alone. Anyone in touch with their humanity goes through it. All men need fellowship. Like some have mentioned, with more growth you will evolve in the way you look at and deal with life. Cherish the moments you have that are good. Hold on to the people that matter in your life. Hold onto those who come into your life and bring joy to it. Embrace the love of others and return that love. Soon that special person just might walk by and feel your love being spread, and then decide they want to draw in closer. icon_smile.gif And its not always who or what you expect.



    Preach!!! I get approached by guys on the regular, however I know what they are looking for, but that's not what I'm looking for so I keep it moving.

    black-women-church-men.jpeg


    HAHAH I guess it did kinda sound preachy now that I re-read it. icon_lol.gif