No sex life: Help!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2012 8:58 AM GMT
    Hey guys feel like talking bout this on here as I can't with anyone else.

    I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years. I was 19 when we met he was 21. We are both very similar type personalities and he's a great guy. But we never have sex. I don't mean hardly. In six years we have had actual anal intercourse sex once. All the other times (which are infrequent ) were blow jobs or hand jobs. Over the past year or so even that has died off, and I'm not into just getting a hand job in the shower anymore.

    We live apart as we work far apart. He works nights and I work days but I have been paying half the rent for his apartment for the last 1.5 years (so he doesn't have a flatmate).I have also half furnished it. I have a key and all but generally only go there on weekends as he gets home at midnight and I start at 7am. When we're together we cuddle on the lounge or in bed but there is no passion or sex. We just went on a two week overseas trip together and didn't have any type or sex, handjob etc at all. When we kiss it's more so a peck on the lips not a passionate kiss.

    When I bring this up with him he becomes really defensive and says it's because I won't let him top me (one time he tried it ended in a mess... I was so embarrasssed) and we work opposite hours etc. I will be working really close to his unit next year and he has asked me to move in officially but I'm reluctant to as I don't know if it will work.... and I'm scared of being even more cemented into a sexless relationship.

    I've been thinking about asking for an open relationship so I can at least get something but I'm not sure if he will be open to the idea and don't wan't to hurt him. He is a really good guy and I love him a lot but I can't handle this much longer'But I'm scared to leave as I've been with him so long and I'm out of form in terms of sex... other guys would probably laugh at me in bed, Any advice or ideas guys?!!? Please...
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:10 AM GMT
    not exactly advice,just a few tips,how about get a new job with similiar shift that ur bf has,at least at the end of day,after work,u can spend some time with bf since i assume u guys dun have much time 2 see each other in the present.As for sex life,just pack ur bag,go camping,mountain hiking(very brokeback mountain) or traveling,it could spice up ur sex life,hope it help.
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    Jul 15, 2012 12:32 PM GMT
    Your're already thinking and behaving like someone who wants to be with someone else by chatting online with other guys. Not that anything is wrong with that, but most guys in commited relaitonships don't want their mates messing around online with other guys etc. Not sure if thats happening or what not, but basically you need to talk to him one on one. Let him know your needs so that he can try to fulfill them. If he cannot. If he avoids, refuses, makes excuses..etc..Then its best you two just be close friends if possible. Considering there is such a lack of sex going on maybe you two simply don't mesh well sexually. You''ll have to be the ultimate judge on that. But my advice is to have a sit down talk with him about. Relationships are about communication. If you can't make this clear and understandable to him about your needs, you'll just end up meeting someone new and not communicate to them either, hoping for some good-sex outcome. Maybe moving in toegther will change your sex lives. Maybe its just timing and chance working against you both. I see a lot of maybes. He is obvious a good guy and worth it to you since you're paying for stuff. So go get some dark chocolate, hand feed it to him and tell him, "Baby its time." Otherwise, happy hunting. icon_wink.gif
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Jul 15, 2012 12:34 PM GMT
    you are roommates not a couple, move on
  • buymeasoda

    Posts: 93

    Jul 15, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    runnerdude88 said
    When I bring this up with him he becomes really defensive and says it's because I won't let him top me (one time he tried it ended in a mess... I was so embarrasssed).


    In every relationship i find there is a point in which you need to review where your at and if this is good for both of you. As for sex I wouldn;t be embarrassed about what happened when you bttmd... it happens.. when your not prepared.

    My advise is try again. Sex is about exploring your boundaries that is how you keep it fresh year in and out. Try new things and exploring new ways of getting eachother off. thers lots of great info on how to avoid ending in a mess on here and other sites.

    i would look to each other and talk about it before you start looking elsewhere

    good luck
  • hahahehehoho

    Posts: 24

    Jul 15, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    DONT ASK FOR AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!!! Doesn't really work out... I agree with the previous posts and try your best to ameliorate some of the problems by talking with each other and deciding. I like the idea of possibly some shift changes not all if possible. That way you can see him a little more. Also, dont be embarassed about what happened trying bottom. It takes a few tries to really get it right and its fun to mess around. Isn't that what you want at the end of the day? Fun with the man you love? So go get em tiger and best of luck ^^
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    Sit your boyfriend down and tell him "IT"S NOT WORKING"...something has to change !!..OR ELSE !!..icon_mad.gif
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    Jul 15, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    ASHDOD saidyou are roommates not a couple, move on


    They're not roommates. icon_wink.gif

    Here: "We live apart as we work far apart. He works nights and I work days but I have been paying half the rent for his apartment for the last 1.5 years (so he doesn't have a flatmate).I have also half furnished it. I have a key and all but generally only go there on weekends as he gets home at midnight and I start at 7am."

    OP, have you thought that you may be hurting by NOT discussing everything that you have posted here?

    There's different kinds of hurt. One kind happens when you are upfront with things that hurt immediately, but are truths that require mutual addressing.

    Another kind of hurt is the building up of a time-bomb that eventually explodes. That kind of hurt contains a secondary hurt, when your bf discovers that all this time you never told him until it was too late.

    ... just points to consider,

    warmly, Doug
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidSit your boyfriend down and tell him "IT"S NOT WORKING"...something has to change !!..OR ELSE !!..icon_mad.gif


    Exactly. It sounds like he's saying "I want a more fulfilling relationship, and this isn't it. I want to break up." Only problem is that he's too scared to actually be honest with himself, let alone be honest with his boyfriend.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:37 PM GMT
    redsoxfan791 said
    Anocxu saidSit your boyfriend down and tell him "IT"S NOT WORKING"...something has to change !!..OR ELSE !!..icon_mad.gif


    Exactly. It sounds like he's saying "I want a more fulfilling relationship, and this isn't it. I want to break up." Only problem is that he's too scared to actually be honest with himself, let alone be honest with his boyfriend.
    ..

    True...Very true..So this is where he will have to overcumm..I mean overcome..icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    Rape Him?

  • Jul 15, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidRape Him?


    FAIL icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2012 6:28 PM GMT
    msuNtx saidRape Him?


    where's our "like button!?!" i about died laughing icon_biggrin.gif

    runnerdude88, my almost-sexless relationship ended this past wednesday so i totally feel ya. phenomenal guy, so sweet in all other areas, we just had some unfortunate circumstances that formed a mental block for him: a mental block he informed me he may never be able to get past. we had honest discussions multiple times about our lack of sex and ultimately it boiled down to he "just couldn't" and i felt unwanted; neither is acceptable. a few days after the break up, i can see that, while i will miss the emotional intimacy and cuddle-time we had, in the long run i would have been in a very sexually frustrating relationship.

    all i'm sayin is if there's two hot gay guys in a relationship and they ain't havin' the sex, it's probably not gonna work out.
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    Jul 15, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidSit your boyfriend down and tell him "IT"S NOT WORKING"...something has to change !!..OR ELSE !!..icon_mad.gif


    Like giving it up, the boy wants to TOP.

    Seriously it doesn't have to be this difficult. You want him, you want sex with him, you want more time with him. Change your shift. Meet him at the door buck-ass naked, lubed up, and then climb all over him.

    No man will turn that down.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:04 PM GMT
    Umm six years and same old shit?? It's so sad hearing about people's lives stagnating like this. Sounds like you have an extremely passive personality, which is bad and something everyone can work on.

    He's not sexually aroused by you, and you want sex. You were the one who said it. I feel sex is about sharing a moment with each other not just jacking each other off.

    Learn more about life and relationships and stop forcing yourself into something you aren't happy with. Let your emotions emerge.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jul 15, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    there's going to have to be compromise. On your part, or his. There's also more ways to have sex than just oral, anal, and hand jobs (between the legs is an easy option). tell him that if there's no actual sex (or anal sex because that seems to be the actual main focus) that you two are only "good friends" and you still want to hang out.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:22 PM GMT
    Sex is an important part of a relationship, and when you are both young, you should be enjoying it, you have the rest of your lives to act old, for now, carpe diem. I had a simliar situation with an ex-bf, we lived in different cities and he would rarely have sex with me when we spent time togther because he felt 'intimidated' by the fact I worked out a lot. To me, he was the sexiest guy (and the only guy) I had eyes for, warts and all but after 9 months of me trying and getting the usual response, I gave up and moved on and it was for the best. We only were going out for a year, you guys have more history but really, thats a long time regardles. Good luck my friend!
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jul 15, 2012 7:25 PM GMT
    It is time to site him down and have what I like to call the conversation. Human being are not angles--we need to communicate to understand what we need and want. Without communication, no relationship can ever work.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    runnerdude88 saidHey guys feel like talking bout this on here as I can't with anyone else.

    I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years. I was 19 when we met he was 21. We are both very similar type personalities and he's a great guy. But we never have sex. I don't mean hardly. In six years we have had actual anal intercourse sex once. All the other times (which are infrequent ) were blow jobs or hand jobs. Over the past year or so even that has died off, and I'm not into just getting a hand job in the shower anymore.

    We live apart as we work far apart. He works nights and I work days but I have been paying half the rent for his apartment for the last 1.5 years (so he doesn't have a flatmate).I have also half furnished it. I have a key and all but generally only go there on weekends as he gets home at midnight and I start at 7am. When we're together we cuddle on the lounge or in bed but there is no passion or sex. We just went on a two week overseas trip together and didn't have any type or sex, handjob etc at all. When we kiss it's more so a peck on the lips not a passionate kiss.

    When I bring this up with him he becomes really defensive and says it's because I won't let him top me (one time he tried it ended in a mess... I was so embarrasssed) and we work opposite hours etc. I will be working really close to his unit next year and he has asked me to move in officially but I'm reluctant to as I don't know if it will work.... and I'm scared of being even more cemented into a sexless relationship.

    I've been thinking about asking for an open relationship so I can at least get something but I'm not sure if he will be open to the idea and don't wan't to hurt him. He is a really good guy and I love him a lot but I can't handle this much longer and am worried I will cheat on him unless something happens soon. I'm always chatting to other guys on grindr and other sites ... I know its wrong but it's hard not to! But I'm scared to leave as I've been with him so long and I'm out of form in terms of sex... other guys would probably laugh at me in bed, Any advice or ideas guys?!!? Please...


    Break up with him. You're already looking outside of the relationship. You're both too immaturely dealing with the issues of the relationship as evidenced by being stubborn to bottom because it made you feel embarrassed and you won't tell him that.

    I'd say go to couples counseling if you were married because you never learned how to communicate what you want and need to be happy in a mature manner, but to me, it sounds like you are really just friends and haven't had enough experience with other guys to know when you actually have sexual compatibility yet or not. You're only young once and you haven't experienced the slut phase yet (obviously you are wanting to be one as evidenced by Grindr chats). Until you go through the slut phase, you're more likely to cheat in a meaningful relationship because you didn't "sow your wild oats" yet--which means get it out of your system to the point you aren't even tempted anymore because hookups don't offer the sort of sex you are looking for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    As far as having ONE bad anal experience... "Messy", in your terms, grow up. We're gay men and we have to realize that real life isn't always pristine and pretty like in a porn movie. "Stuff" happens. Get up, rinse off and get back on the damn pony.

    So he got a chocolate surprise, that's nothing that a shower won't fix.
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    Jul 16, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    ASHDOD saidyou are roommates not a couple, move on


    They're not roommates. icon_wink.gif

    Here: "We live apart as we work far apart. He works nights and I work days but I have been paying half the rent for his apartment for the last 1.5 years (so he doesn't have a flatmate).I have also half furnished it. I have a key and all but generally only go there on weekends as he gets home at midnight and I start at 7am."

    OP, have you thought that you may be hurting by NOT discussing everything that you have posted here?

    There's different kinds of hurt. One kind happens when you are upfront with things that hurt immediately, but are truths that require mutual addressing.

    Another kind of hurt is the building up of a time-bomb that eventually explodes. That kind of hurt contains a secondary hurt, when your bf discovers that all this time you never told him until it was too late.

    ... just points to consider,

    warmly, Doug


    OMFG MENINLOVE ARE B&
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    Jul 16, 2012 4:29 PM GMT
    I thought the whole benefit of dating guys was the knowledge of male sexuality and that men like sex, often. If m lover said not interested, I'd already be looking, because I'm a man, that's the deal, want a relationship, be sexual. If I wanted a person who withholds and plays games, I'd date women.