25 years old, never had a boyfriend. Normal or not in the gay world?

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    Jul 15, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    So I think Im a pretty fun to be around person. I do have friends love going out,party on the weekend, but really serious during the week as Im pretty carreer-oriented.

    I'm almost 26 now and never really had a real long-term boyfriend. When you're a student and 22 years old you just figure out it's normal but I'm pretty stable and established now, and still I really dont find anyone. I dont even have a date in sight.

    I dont like internet dating websites, or going on grindr or manhunt. Those hey whats up whats ur dick size conversations are definitely not for me! So what do all gay guys do? Or are gay guys just single until they are like 30?

    so the question is : normal or not that Ive always been single in this (crazy) gay world?
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    Jul 15, 2012 7:52 PM GMT
    I met my partner Dalin at a local club. I was there for someone else but he didn't show. I got roped into joining a Wii bowling tournament because they were short one. I got paired with this cute asian guy and I seriously thought he had Aspergers because he kept quoting lines from movies. I got his number just because he was insistent that I have it.

    A couple of weeks later I had forgotten about it, was bored and called this number in my phone just to figure out who it was. We had an intelligent conversation, surprisingly. We decided to go out and things just kind of slowly worked out.

    So yeah, cute-meet happens. Go out, meet guys while volunteering, at social events, at pride, anywhere other guys go. Someone unexpected will come along and change your life.
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    Jul 15, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    Same here my friend.Don't worry i am sure you will find a hotie for you ;-) especially since you are a hotie icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    I can't give you much advice since I'm basically in the same boat. However, I would advise not blowing off sites like A4A, Okcupid, PoF, etc. There are rare instances where you'll probably come across someone interested in dating. I believe its better to go "out" there though.

    If you're lacking gay friends it makes it difficult, since I imagine most relationships will start in a bar scene if online isn't working for you. Going alone is even harder, but if your goal is to meet potential dates, etc, you'll have to push yourself to meet people.

    Meetup.com has some cool groups, but there's probably not any good gay oriented ones. It depends on your area.
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:15 PM GMT
    youarewhatyouare said

    I dont like internet dating websites, or going on grindr or manhunt. Those hey whats up whats ur dick size conversations are definitely not for me!


    Hey, have you tried okcupid? It's kind of the opposite of the hookup sites.

    (also, leaving hiv status blank probably doesnt help you...) xD


    Is it normal isnt really the right question is it? Sounds like you want a guy, so the question is more like--how do you find one? But thats not really a question anyone can answer.

    All in good time.
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    youarewhatyouare saidso the question is : normal or not that Ive always been single in this (crazy) gay world?


    Depends on who you are. I have never been single. I have always made time to have a special someone in my life. It's a conscious decision and something you have to work for.

    So many times I've read people write things like I'm focusing on myself and school or I'm career oriented and then they wonder why there is no one special in their life. It's because they haven't made the investment of time or emotion and are expecting instant relationship with someone as soon as they pick their heads up out of the books or pile of papers on their desks.

    I find it laughable when I read all the profiles on this and many other sites where everyone wants a special someone in their life. If all these people truly want someone special in there life it would seem there are more than enough guys out there you could find to build a relationship with. I suspect all are not honest with themselves or others or just aren't willing to invest the time and attention a relationship requires..

    One last thing. To all the guys out there focing on career (working 60, 70 or 80 hours a week), walk through a cemetery and count the number of tombs which have Loyal Employee of XXX Corp. on it. I doubt you will find one.

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    Jul 15, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    It is definitely normal to be single. I'm 27 and still single. Never had a serious relationship, and that is completely fine with me.


    I read this on the blog Joe.My.God, and couldn't agree more with it.

    "One of my biggest fears as a gay kid was that I wouldn’t find that 'special someone,' that one person who was supposed to complete me, fulfill me. We’re all in one way or another trained to believe this is the apex of human relationships. After learning more about gay history and politics, after reading brilliant feminist and queer critiques of marriage and romance, however, I came to understand gay friendship networks as a viable and perhaps more fulfilling relationship alternative to marriage and family life.

    "This is of course not to say that I’m against love, romance, or coupledom; this is not an either/or debate about friendship versus love, or friendship versus marriage. That’s silliness. Instead I ask readers to take seriously gay friendship networks as a unique cultural innovation, legitimate and gratifying in their own right. In recent years, as we all know, gay rights organizations have sunk enormous amounts of time, money, and energy into securing marriage and family rights for lesbians and gays. One of the main points of my book is to remind the gay community that friendship is the bedrock of all gay politics, of all gay rights struggles.

    "If it weren’t for networks of friends: friends who marched in the streets together in the 70s, friends who cared for one another during the AIDS crisis, friendship networks that historically offered an alternative to obligatory heterosexuality and compulsory coupling, there wouldn’t be much of a gay community to fight for." - Dr. Tom Roach, speaking at the Bear Week launch for his new book, Friendship As A Way Of Life: Foucault, AIDS, and the Politics of Shared Estrangement.
  • synestheticxs...

    Posts: 137

    Jul 15, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    youarewhatyouare saidSo I think Im a pretty fun to be around person. I do have friends love going out,party on the weekend, but really serious during the week as Im pretty carreer-oriented.

    I'm almost 26 now and never really had a real long-term boyfriend. When you're a student and 22 years old you just figure out it's normal but I'm pretty stable and established now, and still I really dont find anyone. I dont even have a date in sight.

    I dont like internet dating websites, or going on grindr or manhunt. Those hey whats up whats ur dick size conversations are definitely not for me! So what do all gay guys do? Or are gay guys just single until they are like 30?

    so the question is : normal or not that Ive always been single in this (crazy) gay world?


    I have no idea. I find it pretty weird for myself even at 23; I can't say if it's normal since I can't really say what 'normal' is. Then again, usually I've found that fitting in is overrated, so whatever normal is probably sucks. Good luck! And nice Metallica tat.
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    Jul 15, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    I'm also 23 and have never been in a relationship. Part of me thinks something about me is undesirable that I don't know about but the other part is also proud for not settling. The right person is out there and God will send him your way when the time is right.
  • unicoman1

    Posts: 822

    Jul 15, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    Do your thing and don't settle wait for the right guy to come a long. You will know cause he will treat ya as a king every time you are together! Have fun play safe and enjoy!
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Jul 15, 2012 11:13 PM GMT
    Normal.

    Give it time.

    There's no rush.

    Just give it time. Dont force it.

    Give yourself time.

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    Jul 15, 2012 11:26 PM GMT
    I don't know what "normal" is myself as I just only came out in April ago at 27.

    I had a few girl friends I dated before that but it obviously never lasted long and as for dating guys I am in the same boat as you are except I am older. I have never dated a guy. Sometimes I feel the same way you do in that I feel kind of behind in that one area of my life. My career, family and friends I am all good with but that intimacy I lack and wish I have too.

    What I am slowly finding out is everyone is different. There is no set timeline.

    Wish it was easier for gay men to meet outside of online dating or gay clubs as well.

    Not sure if I answered your question if it was "normal" because I don't know what "normal" is but you are definitely not alone.
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    Jul 15, 2012 11:42 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    youarewhatyouare saidso the question is : normal or not that Ive always been single in this (crazy) gay world?


    One last thing. To all the guys out there focing on career (working 60, 70 or 80 hours a week), walk through a cemetery and count the number of tombs which have Loyal Employee of XXX Corp. on it. I doubt you will find one.


    The Company Man - Ellen Goodman

    He worked himself to death, finally and precisely, at 3:00 A.M. Sunday morning,The obituary didn't say that, of course. It said that he died of a coronary thrombosis--I think that was it--but everyone among his friends and acquaintances knew it instantly. He was a perfect Type A, a workaholic, a classic, they said to each other and shook their heads--and thought for five or ten minutes about the way they lived.
    This man who worked himself to death finally and precisely at 3:00 A.M. Sunday morning--on his day off--was fifty-one years old and a vice-president. He was, however, one of six vice-presidents, and one of three who might conceivably--if the president died or retired soon enough--have moved to the top spot. Phil knew that.
    He worked six days a week, five of them until eight or nine at night, during a time when his own company had begun the four-day week for everyone but the executives. He worked like the Important People. He had no outside "extracurricular interests," unless, of course, you think about a monthly golf game that way. To Phil, it was work. He always ate egg salad sandwiches at his desk. He was, of course, overweight, by 20 or 25 pounds. He thought it was okay, though, because he didn't smoke.
    On Saturdays, Phil-wore a-sports-jacket- to the office instead of a suit, because it was the weekend.
    He had a lot of people working for him, maybe sixty, and most of them liked him most of the time. Three of them will be seriously considered for his job. The obituary didn't mention that.
    But it did list his "survivors" quite accurately. He is survived by his wife, Helen, forty-eight years old, a good woman of no particular marketable skills, who worked in an office before marrying and mothering. She had, according to her daughter, given up trying to compete with his work years ago, when the children were small. A company friend said, "I know how much you will miss him." And she answered, "I already have."
    "Missing him all these years," she must have given up part of herself which had cared too much for the man. She would be "well taken care of."
    His "dearly beloved" eldest of the "dearly beloved" children is a hard-working executive in a manufacturing firm down South. In the day and a half before the funeral, he went around the neighborhood researching his father, asking the neighbors what he was like. They were embarrassed.
    His second child is a girl, who is twenty-four and newly married. She lives near her mother and they are close, but whenever she was alone with her father, in a car driving somewhere, they had nothing to say to each other.
    The youngest is twenty, a boy, a high-school graduate who has spent the last couple of years, like a lot of his friends, doing enough odd jobs to stay in grass and food. He was the one who tried to grab at his father, and "tried to mean' enough to him to keep the man at home. He was his father's favorite. Over the last two years, Phil stayed up nights worrying about the boy. The boy once said, "My father and I only board here."
    At the funeral, the sixty-year-old company president told the forty-eight-year-old widow that the fifty-one-year-old deceased had meant much to the company and would be missed and would be hard to replace. The widow didn't look him in the eye. She was afraid he would read her bitterness and, after all, she would need him to straighten out the finances--the stock options and all that.
    Phil was overweight and nervous and worked too hard. If he wasn't at the office he was worried about it. Phil was a Type A, heart-attack natural. You could have picked him out in a minute from a lineup.
    So when he finally worked himself to death, at precisely 3:00 A.M. Sunday morning, no one was really surprised.
    By 5:00 P.M. the afternoon of the funeral, the company president had begun, discreetly of course, with care and taste, to make inquiries about his replacement. One of three men. He asked around: "Who's been working the hardest?"
  • vbportugal

    Posts: 82

    Jul 15, 2012 11:56 PM GMT
    I was opposed to using dating sites for the longest time because I felt that I wasn't good enough at meeting guys in real life. I met a lot of people but was never interested in any gay guys that I talked to. Decided to go up on a dating site and I met my current boyfriend on it. Everything has been great since and will be going onto a year in September.
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:09 AM GMT
    I agree with yourname2000, 'normal' is very relative and changes depending on your environment.

    I live in Sydney and am exactly in the same position as you. My friends all like me lol so I'm guessing I'm not a horrible person, but mine is based on the environment I surround myself in.

    I have never been one to be fond of clubs/bars etc and unfortunately that's my personality type so that in itself vastly reduces me meeting another gay person in Sydney to almost 0% lol.
    Well that's exaggerated but yeah because it's the decision I made to not go there, I know the possible outcome is to be single for alot longer and I have accepted the 'consequence' of that decision.

    Honestly though I'm blessed with super great friends so I never really feel alone.
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidThere is no normal.....the community is too big and diverse for their to be a normal. What you're doing is normal for you (presumably), and that's all that matters. If you actually want a boyfriend and you think there's something about you or something you're doing that's keeping you from that goal, that's something else though.

    This.
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    WhyWhySee said
    BRoss said... vastly reduces me meeting another gay person in Sydney to almost 0% lol.

    Only gay not in the village?


    LOL!!!
    I just laughed also at the thought that imagine if it literally was like that where I did meet the only other person who is gay not in the village and so I end up in a relationship out of the convenience that we're the only 2 haha.

    Yeah I laugh at silly random things ... and internally too.

    Actually I'm sure there are others not in the 'village' (I'm guessing by that you mean the main gay scene) just have no idea how to find them since I suppose most people who aren't in the village are not there because they are hiding as opposed to the small population of people who just don't like that scene.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2012 12:24 AM GMT
    Lets not be ridiculous here... come on.... I was 32 before I had my first bf... and I wasn't even out at the time. I wouldn't spend much time worrying about it honestly. You sound like a great guy. Enjoy life, I'm sure it will happen sooner rather than later.
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    Jul 16, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    Howdy You.

    The real issue isn't whether your situation is normal. The issue is whether you are happy. If so, then by definition it's all good. If not, then it's worth looking at this issue further.

    In case it helps, I can tell you I never dated or anything until I was 24, and I was glad things works out that way. The situation left me time to pursue an education and a career and gave me a level of maturity that I would not have had even a few years earlier. So. I'd say enjoy your life for what it is. Focus on being Mr. Right, versus looking for Mr. Right. And don't stress--things will work out.

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    Jul 16, 2012 12:29 AM GMT
    who wants to be normal? icon_razz.gif


    p.s. youre gay, its not like youre following the rules anyway. Find whatever makes you happy even if its not the norm
  • monstapex

    Posts: 478

    Jul 16, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    Why tie yourself down ..Get a f**k buddy .Then you won't be coming back here six weeks/months from now whining about how your boyfriend has cheated on you .
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    Jul 16, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    youarewhatyouare saidSo I think Im a pretty fun to be around person. I do have friends love going out,party on the weekend, but really serious during the week as Im pretty carreer-oriented.

    I'm almost 26 now and never really had a real long-term boyfriend. When you're a student and 22 years old you just figure out it's normal but I'm pretty stable and established now, and still I really dont find anyone. I dont even have a date in sight.

    I dont like internet dating websites, or going on grindr or manhunt. Those hey whats up whats ur dick size conversations are definitely not for me! So what do all gay guys do? Or are gay guys just single until they are like 30?

    so the question is : normal or not that Ive always been single in this (crazy) gay world?


    like someone else said, I wouldn't rule out the occasional hookup as having potential. I met someone through grindr that, if circumstances were different, could have ended up in a pretty decent relationship. we were friends with benefits for a while before the external circumstances took over and ended it, but I was always struck by the fact that he met through a hookup app with the intention on both ends to have a meaningless bone.... but really connected pretty damn well.

    not saying you should go looking for the right thing in the wrong places, but sometimes you'll be surprised.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    I haven't had a boyfriend before either

    I've come close a few times but it's never gelled. I don't really feel any certain way about it.
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    Jul 16, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    I'm 25 and I've never had a boyfriend. Hell, I've only been with 2 guys in my life.
  • Coug24_wyo

    Posts: 147

    Jul 16, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    I turned 25 about a month ago and have yet to have any boyfriend. Keep your head up OP, that's what I try to do. It can be tough some days especially in seclusion, so try and find ways to meet new people and get out there.