A BIG change is going to happen for me....UPDATE

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    Jul 16, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    I'll be formally coming out to my mom, sister and brother(and bro in law) within the next few days.

    They've always known something was amiss and while they have tried to help me cope, they couldn't or rather not come to the conclusion that I may be a gay man.

    Mum and I have been texting each other for the upcoming discussion that they are going to have with me. They want to figure out to why have I chosen this 'path'. Its cute because I know I never chose any path in regards to my sexuality.

    There is good because my mum says that while its hard to process it, I am her son and she will support me. All she wants is for me toJ watch out for my health and keep my faith. Also she's stressed that my father should never know. This I can agree because my dad is extremely bigoted/religious against the LGBT communities. His temper and anger would destroy everything and I will never let my Mother get in harms way.

    I will update this thread when the actual time comes but thought I would give my fellow RJ'rs a heads up to whats going on.
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    Jul 16, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    It sounds like at the very least your mom will be supportive. Best of luck.
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    Jul 16, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    Hope for the best! I was extremely nervous when I came out to my mom when I was 15. She cried a bit, but she got OK with afterwards.
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    Jul 16, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    Well, good luck or whatever.

    This seems kinda strange in several ways:

    1) your mom already knows, but you're coming out to her;

    2) you're 29, but this still sounds traumatic to you;

    3) You live in Canada where I thought they had moved passed all the drama. Apparently, not.
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    Jul 16, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidWell, good luck or whatever.

    This seems kinda strange in several ways:

    1) your mom already knows, but you're coming out to her;

    2) you're 29, but this still sounds traumatic to you;

    3) You live in Canada where I thought they had moved passed all the drama. Apparently, not.


    Answer 1:

    They sorta veiled/denied the notion of the possibility . As mentioned they going to be a vocal acknowledgement ,to quote Anderson Cooper "the fact is, I am a gay man"

    Answer 2:
    Its not traumatic for me but they are going to see me in a new light and need adjustments

    Answer 3:
    I come from an Islamic background and having to live six years until last year in Karachi Pakistan you can be assured that drama doesn't care for any continental boundries.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Jul 16, 2012 3:28 AM GMT
    didn't read past the first sentence, GOOD LUCK!
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    You know I've got your back. I hope everything goes well. Hugs.
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    Jul 16, 2012 4:30 AM GMT
    My mom ranted and raged forever... really caused a rift between us at first

    Now I took her to a gay club in LA and gay pride parade in NY... and she really enjoyed herself at those events

    though I know she still prefer to have a straight son, at least she can manage to be open-minded .. thats good icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 16, 2012 4:31 AM GMT
    Best of luck to you
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    Jul 16, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    Good luck - it's a hard thing for someone with your background, and it takes bravery. Let us know how it goes, and how you feel afterward.
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    Jul 16, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    I like how you are being practical about your dad yet opening up to the rest of your family. Hard to imagine him not overhearing something once that cat's out of the bag but at least, hopefully, enough supportive structure will have a chance to assemble within your family to help him through it if that should ever happen.

    Whenever I hear a coming out story I think of a phrase said during Passover seder: "next year in Jerusalem" which is the eternal hope of coming home.

    Every coming out, the eternal hope of being accepted into our own families, the hope that one day we might be known naturally for who we are without our having to announce it.

    Until then, they owe us a party.
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    Jul 16, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Snoop_Dawg_Cranky said
    theantijock saidWhenever I hear a coming out story I think of a phrase said during Passover seder: "next year in Jerusalem" which is the eternal hope of coming home.

    My dad would never read that part. He'd say "Who the hell wants to go there?" So at the end of our seders it was always "Next year in Miami Beach."


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    Jul 16, 2012 5:39 AM GMT
    Good luck! As for your father - if the rest of the family knows, he will sense something is up and it will only be a matter of time until he finds out.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    Firebrand saidGood luck! As for your father - if the rest of the family knows, he will sense something is up and it will only be a matter of time until he finds out.


    It may come to that but for now its the best solution for the time being to keep him in the dark.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidWell, good luck or whatever.

    This seems kinda strange in several ways:

    1) your mom already knows, but you're coming out to her;

    2) you're 29, but this still sounds traumatic to you;

    3) You live in Canada where I thought they had moved passed all the drama. Apparently, not.



    Coming out isn't for the other people in your life.....it's something you do for yourself. And saying those words can be difficult at any age.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    Congrats !!..So tell us what do you expect to change after coming out..??..(its a legit question..)

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    Jul 16, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    Caslon20000 saidWell, good luck or whatever.

    This seems kinda strange in several ways:

    1) your mom already knows, but you're coming out to her;

    2) you're 29, but this still sounds traumatic to you;

    3) You live in Canada where I thought they had moved passed all the drama. Apparently, not.


    1. Everyone's mom knows (or at the very least, suspects) before you come out. You still have to do it anyway.

    2. Age means very little when it comes to coming out. I have a friend who is 48, and he's still coming to terms with it. It's pretty traumatic to him, but part of that is he's married and has a family.

    3. Just because a country has "moved passed all the drama," it doesn't make it easy for everyone. Not everyone figures it out as easily as my cousin who came out at 12. (Two weeks after I came out at 26, btw.) Plus, regardless of wide-acceptance, families sometimes react differently when they find out it's their son, daughter, brother, sister, etc. who is gay. Additionally, religious factors (as insanely irrational as they may be) also come into play, regardless of the family.

    Look, I'm as big of an asshole as anyone around (trust me, I've been told I'm dead inside), but you come off as callous and bitter in this post.

    To the OP, ignore Caslon20000. Good luck to you. Still, you can't hide it from your dad. He'll figure it out. When he does, it'll be a lot tougher for everyone because they were involved in a cover up. Go ahead, and tell him later. Just tell him though.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    Snoop_Dawg_Cranky said
    theantijock saidWhenever I hear a coming out story I think of a phrase said during Passover seder: "next year in Jerusalem" which is the eternal hope of coming home.

    My dad would never read that part. He'd say "Who the hell wants to go there?" So at the end of our seders it was always "Next year in Miami Beach."


    We were already in the promised land, Highland Beach (kidding). But growing up I did have relatives in Miami and if you've never sat through what in my memory was a six hour orthodox seder as a 14-year-old drinking nothing but wine spritzers and praying for nothing but dinner to be finally served, well, you've never really lived the Jewish life. Thank God in my immediate family we'd just read a few pages from the front of the Haggadah--dripped some blood and smited some first borns--then read some from the back and promptly served our guests. Passovers and Thanksgivings in our house most often had more than 20 for dinner so you really don't want to keep that horde waiting.

    Mom's side was descendant of a wife beating, child beating pre-state orthodox Zionist zealot, who raised my grandmother & her many siblings in poverty so that most financial resources would redirect towards building Israel. Only generations later do my cousins find ourselves still holding the original homestead there, now, apparently, zoned condo. I only learned a few years ago when a great aunt finally fessed up before dying in her 90s that my greatgrandfather was not actually a horse thief: That horse thief!

    Most of that large family subsequent to their wretched upbringing switched from orthodoxy to at least conservative, mine included, if not reformed or not even that, thus the liberalization of that side of my family. Dad's side was secular humanists from probably as far back as can be traced, though my paternal grandmother made her own chopped liver and my father did celebrate high holy holidays, which were my parents' only time in temple aside from Bar Mitzvahs, though they sent me to Hebrew school for many years so I'd have the background, because they are hugely into learning and because, I suppose, it was simply the thing to then do in the pre-helicopter-soccer era when we still had some structure but also our own latchkeys.

    So I lucked into an extremely liberal household and my sexuality was a complete nonissue for all of them but for my inhibited brother who is not even comfortable with his own heterosexuality.

    Even when mom remarried a guy who I always thought Republican, a Jewish redneck construction guy, the cowboy rabbi, he'd always surprise me by exhibiting when least expected some very progressive views. I actually liked him a lot. I tested him when I was a teen on his views towards gays and he slapped me down without hesitation, letting me know for certain that he felt that someone's sexual orientation was their own business and not to be judged by others but to be respected. A good man.

    So even though I still had to eventually make the announcement myself, all of my upbringing paved my way out of the closet. Never taking my own luck in that for granted, I've always been hugely sensitive to gays less fortunate, who have something real to fear and not just fearing the unknown.

    I didn't have to deal with betrayal until late in life and I've a very difficult time with it. I have no idea how kids survive it. How do we love those who would hate us for who we are? This world owes us so much for that burden. Mazel tov to those born into unaccepting families yet who muster the courage to face them in truth. You pave our way.
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidCongrats !!..So tell us what do you expect to change after coming out..??..(its a legit question..)



    Change is that they are going to see every guy I interact with differently. Mum already texted me about the guy on my facebook profile pic (footballhawk) and I flat out told her that he's my best friend icon_lol.gif. Plus if I want someone to meet a future boyfriend, I'm going to have to see if they are willing to meet him.

    Also MARRIAGE

    I dunno what their views will be until I formally acknowledge it but what will happen is that to rest of relatives, I'll forever remain a bachleor. Marrying a guy is still in their minds a strict no no.

    As for my dad, he's become more religious as the days go by. He and I are on speaking terms for past few years. Coming out to him will only do more harm than good so I know its best for him to not to know.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    Please keep us updated. Very sorry to hear about your Dad and his behavior. Good luck and best wishes!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 16, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    Fivealive said
    Anocxu saidCongrats !!..So tell us what do you expect to change after coming out..??..(its a legit question..)



    Change is that they are going to see every guy I interact with differently. Mum already texted me about the guy on my facebook profile pic (footballhawk) and I flat out told her that he's my best friend icon_lol.gif. Plus if I want someone to meet a future boyfriend, I'm going to have to see if they are willing to meet him.

    Also MARRIAGE

    I dunno what their views will be until I formally acknowledge it but what will happen is that to rest of relatives, I'll forever remain a bachleor. Marrying a guy is still in their minds a strict no no.

    As for my dad, he's become more religious as the days go by. He and I are on speaking terms for past few years. Coming out to him will only do more harm than good so I know its best for him to not to know.


    I see where you head is...Cool..!..It's good to see you coming out has a lot to with solidifying the relationship between you and your parents..
    Some people come out to lift a burden.. You actually have progressive plans...cool..!
    You sir are a sweetheart!..
    Call me !! icon_redface.gif
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    Jul 16, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    Snoop_Dawg_Cranky saidMy dad would never read that part. He'd say "Who the hell wants to go there?" So at the end of our seders it was always "Next year in Miami Beach."

    LOL! I only attended my first Seder last year, and my understanding is that it was done quite according to tradition. We all had copies of the Haggadah and recited our parts, and I don't recall anyone mentioning Miami Beach, except that our leader was born & raised there. But we weren't very far away, anyhow, in Fort Lauderdale/Wilton Manors, if we really wanted to go there we could just jump in our cars.

    Seriously, I found it a very lovely and moving ceremony. And even though a few of the Jewish participants themselves commented how they didn't much care for some of the ritual food items, I enjoyed every bit. I hope my partner & I are honored to be invited again this year.

    And BTW, the group around the Seder table included both gay & straight couples, some the family of our hosts, and everyone is out. In fact, the hosts were out to both their families from before the age of the OP, in an era when that was less acceptable & common. And the families were totally supporting, no one critical or estranged over it. Indeed, all 4 parents (now deceased) were part of the gay couple's social lives. I dunno, maybe "Next year in Miami Beach" really is a blessing.
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    Jul 16, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    I hope everything goes well with your coming out and that they will support you. As always, give them time to digest the 'news'. It took you years to come to terms with it, so don't expect PFLAG membership-applications to be signed.

    Good luck.
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    Jul 17, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    Everyone's mom may suspect, but once it is a fact, it can be harder for them to deal with.

    Best wishes.
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    Jul 17, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    So this Afternoon the talk happened. I expected it to be on Wednesday but they did this today.
    Here's the summary, after a range of logical, heated to emotional, my family members need time to adjust. They are being supportive as they can be as well wanting me to remain with the family.

    Its going to be difficult for sure now but we're trying to reach a half way point.