getting your ex to be your wingman?

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jul 17, 2012 8:01 PM GMT
    My ex and i broke up between 4 and 10 months ago. I had to move away for a year due to a co-op placement, so we were thinking of picking up where we left off after I move back (like a half open-relationship half broke-up scenario), even though neither of us got very far with any other dates. But with 4 months left I realized I wasn't attracted to him anymore, though I wanted us to remain close friends like we were before we started dating. I made that clear during one of our phone conversations, so he knew it was over, 4 months ago.

    When I moved back, he said that I looked at him differently and that he could see it in my eyes. We had a series of long talks, where I finally had the chance to answer his questions as to what changed, all the information made him really depressed, and he stayed at home for a couple days while his friends and I hung out over the long weekend.

    It got better a few days later and he was willing to rejoin us for our usual festivities... meanwhile I became really attracted to a new guy who joined our circle of friends during my absence. I'm kinda socially retarded haha, and like the other guy to make the first move. My ex used to be my wingman before he asked me out... is it too soon lol?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 17, 2012 8:05 PM GMT
    You are what might be termed toxic relationship. You keep the guy hanging on the edge so you will have some one to use while you have your fun on the side. And he clings on hoping you will fall in love with him. All you are going to do is destroy him, so do him a big favor and leave him alone.

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jul 17, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    are you sure you aren't projecting past experiences onto my situation? We officially broke up 4 months ago. Lots of ex-boyfriends remain as good friends. Actually a bunch of his ex-bfs still regularly hang out with us lol.

    edit: before finding my new apartment I crashed at his place for a few days when I first moved back. He's one of my closest friends, but actually, thinking back, that was probably a bad idea. His place is convenient and he said he had a spare room w/ an air mattress, which is why I chose there over crashing at any of my other friends' couches, but when I arrived he also offered the option of sleeping on his bed (presumably next to him).

    I chose the spare room lol, so my intentions were clear. Maybe it was too cold of me, maybe two gay guys who used to sleep together can sleep on the same bed just to have platonic friend converations...
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    Jul 17, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    My ex is not a pilot, therefore he can't be my wingman.
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    Jul 17, 2012 9:28 PM GMT
    Seems super healthy to me. This is why I never check luggage on long flights either, I love to look at all my baggage for as long as humanly possible and hope that others too will notice and take sympathy.
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    Jul 17, 2012 9:32 PM GMT
    I cut ties with exes, i don't want anything from them after the relationship is over. Just let it be done.
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    Jul 17, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    Two thoughts:

    1. There's NO WAY WHATSOEVER this scenario could end badly.

    2. "My ex and I broke up between 4 and 10 months ago..." - WTF?!?

    Hope that helps.
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    Jul 18, 2012 12:22 AM GMT
    Shell saidI cut ties with exes, i don't want anything from them after the relationship is over. Just let it be done.


    None of your exes are your friends..???
    (that's telling)

    Apologies Op..You two still have a deep emotional connection...and with all due respect an unhealthy one..Do you actually think your ex will be ok with you grovelling over some guy..in his presence...and why are you looking within your circle of friends for your "next ex"..Because truthfully that's what it will be if you two dont start setting clear boundaries for each other !!
    Prime example.. i had my ex set me up on a date...which i thought was creepy..and then try to sabotage it when he found the guy really liked me...Keep exes out of your future relationships..No bond is harder to break than an emotional one..Hugz..
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    Jul 18, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    Why does the ex have to be the wingman? This post doesn't make you look like a very good person to be honest... You talk to him about how things changed, he goes into a depression and you spend the weekend with HIS friends, and then just a few days after things START to get better you are already contemplating using him as a wingman?

    It may be four months, but clearly he felt differently than you did. While it may start to get easier now, it doesn't mean that your friend (or you in this matter) is not vulnerable to collapsing into a depression again.

    My advice is to get over your social "retardation" and approach the guy yourself.
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    Jul 18, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    Oh hell no. My ex is a total perv and would make a point of hitting on anyone I was interested in. Hell. NO.
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    Jul 18, 2012 7:30 AM GMT
    Super idea! You should make your ex your wingman so he can sabotage your potential dates, not that he would.

    At some point this might work, but you should give your ex some time. Hang out together just as friends first before you try getting him to help you replace him.
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    Jul 18, 2012 7:50 AM GMT
    Daas saidOh hell no. My ex is a total perv and would make a point of hitting on anyone I was interested in. Hell. NO.
    That means he can pick up the hotties for 3-ways. I don't see the problem with that.
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    Jul 18, 2012 8:09 AM GMT
    Jerry-Mouse-Facepalm%5B1%5D.jpg
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    Jul 18, 2012 1:54 PM GMT
    Daas saidOh hell no. My ex is a total perv and would make a point of hitting on anyone I was interested in. Hell. NO.


    This. So now we have 2 things in common.
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    Jul 18, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYou are what might be termed toxic relationship. You keep the guy hanging on the edge so you will have some one to use while you have your fun on the side. And he clings on hoping you will fall in love with him. All you are going to do is destroy him, so do him a big favor and leave him alone.



    i do agree. the "dreaded" ex is a gift and a curse. he will b ur best friend and ur worst enemy at the same time. i understand ur intentions of not getting involved again with ur ex but not everybody feels that is a trustworthy situation because so many people still fool around with their ex or the ex still wants them back and the "other guy" knows it. personally, i cut ties with ex's just so they dont hinder any future prospective relationships because i dont want them "getting in the way" so to speak. either way, its a hairy situation so i hope you make the right decision.
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    Jul 18, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    No matter how good a friend you are with an ex, in some zones of life the ex needs to be just that- an ex. As in excised, expired, extent from a situation.
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    Jul 18, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    lonesomepidgeon said...meanwhile I became really attracted to a new guy who joined our circle of friends during my absence. I'm kinda socially retarded haha, and like the other guy to make the first move. My ex used to be my wingman before he asked me out... is it too soon lol?

    Perhaps it's your ex who needs a wingman. And maybe not you as his wingman, if you're "socially retarded", but someone to help separate you two by getting him involved with another guy.

    I did that with an ex. I broke it up because he wouldn't agree to a monogamous relationship with me, one of these guys who has to prove he's desirable to other men by always having his dance card full. But neither would he let me go completely, and I'll admit I was still drawn to him, difficult to say no when he'd ask me out between his other dates.

    But his date choices were disastrous, as he'd admit to me, and then he'd be asking my advice how to patch things up with them, or alternately, to avoid them. Better, I thought, to just steer him to some decent guys and find his ideal man, to get him off my hands and make both of us happier.

    My plan was moderately successful, but because he still can't settle into an LTR, the nicer guys eventually lose interest in him like I did. The problem was finally settled for good, at least for me, when I simply moved away.

    No, I don't think he should be your wingman. That's very insensitive on your part, because it appears he still has feelings for you. Rather, see if anyone among your circle of friends would like to be his wingman, to help him get started in a new direction without you.
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    Jul 18, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    LIEV said
    2. "My ex and I broke up between 4 and 10 months ago..." - WTF?!?

    LOL.. thats what I thought too when I read that statement.

    I don't think he should be your wing-man. It appears that he still has feelings for you.

    lonesomepidgeon said Actually a bunch of his ex-bfs still regularly hang out with us lol...

    Hanging out all together with a bunch of friends as friends is one thing. Having him be around while you are trying to get into someone elses pants is another thing.
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    Jul 18, 2012 3:24 PM GMT
    Isn't it unhealthy to go show boating that dead dog in public, and expecting it to not get it in the way when you find your yourself in the heat of a passionate moment?

    Being friends is good and all, but lacks all practicality; unless you've got lines drawn and strong foundation on who you are, and what you want out of life next. Not saying you shouldn't be friends with an ex; but there are so many reasonable forms a former lover/boyfriend/partner/husband can take before you find yourself in over your head; and one of you is bearing the weight of regret, in secret, or in the other's face.

    But this is up to you discover for yourself. Maybe this won't happen to you; or maybe it already has, but you have to be able to ask guys out on your own at some point in your life.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jul 18, 2012 6:34 PM GMT
    thanks for all the responses, though I was hoping someone would point out other factors I haven't already considered. I know in the end only I can judge his character well enough to know what to do, but it'll be good to know what I may have missed.

    A more fuller disclosure: During our "break" over the past 10 months, we were reporting back various dates and giving each other advice on them, so I doubt any other relationship had eased into a break-up as gradually as ours did.

    What made him depressed wasn't the break-up in itself, but my reasons (that I could no longer overlook the fact that his character is unsuitable for a long term relationship, as fun and lovable as he was; what I used to find attractive about his personality became risk factors)

    But as a wingman he was naturally talented. I usually resign myself to not knowing whether someone's a top or bottom until it comes to it, but with the guy I was interested in, somehow my ex smoothly got the answer from him while we're all together as a group. It makes him perfect for me, my ex declared along with several other reasons (with the other guy momentarily away from the room but well enough within earshot to respond "I heard that!"). So he already did half the work without me asking, just because he knew I liked the guy, but is it too much to ask that he tell him that I'm interested lol?

    Btw, this happened shortly before our long conversations/his depression.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Jul 19, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    so many people think easing into a break-up will make it less painful, but it only wastes time. Never heard of a 6-month "easing period" though... yikes
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    Jul 19, 2012 5:09 PM GMT
    "but is it too much to ask that he tell him that I'm interested lol?"

    u really need to read this because not tryin 2 put you down but that is a very immature statement. hell, he mine as well go out with the guy himself b/c from what your sayin, hes doin most of the "work" anyway. i mean ur only 19 so you do have a lot of growing and maturing to do but frankly, if you can't be a man and let the guy ur interested in hear those words come out of your mouth, then that should tell him something about you as well......
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Jul 23, 2012 7:47 AM GMT
    I'm just afraid that if I express my interest, i'll be awkward and not subtle enough about it. Heck, he is probably sending me a ton of signals and I'll have no idea. Last time I hit on a guy, I flat out told him "I think you're hot, just wanna say hi", and he was clearly unimpressed "yeah, you need to work on that flirting haha", I walk back to friends in shame lol.

    With my ex, before he asked me out (very fortunately), I also pondered over having a mutual friend tell him privately "psst, he likes you but is too socially retarded to make the frist move, don't tell him I told you"
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    Jul 25, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    as long as ur honest with him and if he's any kindi of good man, he'll appreciate dat you told him urself, no matter how retarded or backwards u may sound. u can even set it up like "i dont kno exactly how to say this so im just gonna tell u the best way i can". at least that lets him know that ur not about playing games and ur just bein upfront and honest instead of being "hooked up" thru a 3rd wheel that is in a way still attached to you. dont get me wrong, who doesn't like to be flirted with but i guess with my personality, if im interested in someone, i tell them myself, which takes things to a whole new level. but good luck with that, hope it works out.