Came out to a friend today but....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    I came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:01 AM GMT
    congrats, I did this xmas last yr, to a guy friend (bbf, for 10 yrs, met each other 1 st yr university). It did not change anything, we still joke about everything and anything (including gay jokes which were sooo common b/t us before).

    for your mom and her new bf, pick the right time, right occasion.

    I plan to do it when I have a stable bf, and even better if mom met him before and liked him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    Congrats man!

    If you really think this would be a huge problem with your family, I'd honestly wait until you can handle the "worst case scenario" on your own. (have a job, can afford your own place, etc)

    I think some might disagree with that, but it's an unfortunate reality that some parents deal with having a gay offspring in this manner. It looks like you're right in the middle of the bible belt, so that can't make things any easier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    15kewalker saidI came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!

    Dont tell them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out! It takes a huge weight off your shoulders, and you almost want to tell the whole world for a while... but be careful who you tell, and how you tell them from here. If you don't want your parents to know; don't tell anyone who may know someone they know; unless YOU can trust them. Homophobic relatives are the worst thing for you as young gay man. Just be happy that you can tell close friends; if that, for now. Make a game plan to get yourself to a place of independence, where you can have what contact you want with your parents. Once you come out, there's no going back in; unless you lose your gay or bi/sanity.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Jul 19, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    Dude..you're 18...wait to tell them...What's the rush..Time changes situations..you got the time...kick back...develop your insight and esteem....My 2
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    CABucky said

    I think some might disagree with that, but it's an unfortunate reality that some parents deal with having a gay offspring in this manner. It looks like you're right in the middle of the bible belt, so that can't make things any easier.


    I am caught in the middle, I was raised that gay is bad and they tried (obviously failed) to not be gay. So I am stuck haha its not fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    torontoblue saidcongrats, I did this xmas last yr, to a guy friend (bbf, for 10 yrs, met each other 1 st yr university). It did not change anything, we still joke about everything and anything (including gay jokes which were sooo common b/t us before).

    for your mom and her new bf, pick the right time, right occasion.

    I plan to do it when I have a stable bf, and even better if mom met him before and liked him.


    Very nice ;) I'm gonna wait awhile and try to find the right time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    Caslon20000 said
    15kewalker saidI came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!

    Dont tell them.


    I have considered that but it wouldn't fair to a guy that I'm dating to have to hide it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:54 AM GMT
    JR_RJ saidCongrats on coming out! It takes a huge weight off your shoulders, and you almost want to tell the whole world for a while... but be careful who you tell, and how you tell them from here. If you don't want your parents to know; don't tell anyone who may know someone they know; unless YOU can trust them. Homophobic relatives are the worst thing for you as young gay man. Just be happy that you can tell close friends; if that, for now. Make a game plan to get yourself to a place of independence, where you can have what contact you want with your parents. Once you come out, there's no going back in; unless you lose your gay or bi/sanity.


    Thanks icon_smile.gif I did feel like telling the world haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 5:55 AM GMT
    mybud saidDude..you're 18...wait to tell them...What's the rush..Time changes situations..you got the time...kick back...develop your insight and esteem....My 2


    Sounds like a great plan to me haha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 6:09 AM GMT
    mybud saidDude..you're 18...wait to tell them...What's the rush..Time changes situations..you got the time...kick back...develop your insight and esteem....My 2


    This. I'm out to my mom and my dad I'm not yet, and my relatives are not the most welcoming of our kind. To put it this way, my cousin is a Christian writer who moved to Alabama and I don't even live in the bible belt. Therefore, I'll probably want to have enough money saved up to be fiscally responsible for my well-being and maybe enough to change my last name in case something went wrong in the coming out process. (I always liked my mom's maiden name anyway. Just saying.) icon_lol.gif Don't come out now until you're fiscally stable and ready.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Jul 19, 2012 6:13 AM GMT
    15kewalker said
    Caslon20000 said
    15kewalker saidI came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!

    Dont tell them.


    I have considered that but it wouldn't fair to a guy that I'm dating to have to hide it


    A Guy you're dating would understand. If not, maybe he isn't the right guy. Coming out can be an incredibly difficult and stressful event. Considering how you anticipate the reaction of your parents, anyone who expects you to already be open is being unrealistic. In the mean time, we're here for you (for whatever that's worth to you).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 6:20 AM GMT
    Thanks guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 6:22 AM GMT
    Bullwinklemoos said
    mybud saidDude..you're 18...wait to tell them...What's the rush..Time changes situations..you got the time...kick back...develop your insight and esteem....My 2


    This. I'm out to my mom and my dad I'm not yet, and my relatives are not the most welcoming of our kind. To put it this way, my cousin is a Christian writer who moved to Alabama and I don't even live in the bible belt. Therefore, I'll probably want to have enough money saved up to be fiscally responsible for my well-being and maybe enough to change my last name in case something went wrong in the coming out process. (I always liked my mom's maiden name anyway. Just saying.) icon_lol.gif Don't come out now until you're fiscally stable and ready.


    I completely relate! I like maiden name too haha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 7:53 AM GMT
    Bullwinklemoos saidDon't come out now until you're fiscally stable and ready.

    Or at least have some support plan to fall back on if you get kicked out or something. In the end, your parents really do love you, otherwise they wouldn't get upset. Of course, they may feel guilty, etc. It may take them time to adjust to the new reality; give them time to process. They're people too and need time to come to terms with such news. So if space is what they might need to do that, be prepared to give them that space.
    God bless you as you decide how and when to come out! icon_smile.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 8:03 AM GMT
    A few general points:

    When coming out to someone who may not take it well, don't preface it with: "I have bad news". That will just reinforce their negativity. You could spin it the other way: "The good news is that I'm gay and comfortable with it". If it fits the people involved, you can joke that "hopefully there's no bad news and you'll be OK with it".

    Keep in mind, though, that you didn't accept yourself overnight. Give them time. And odd as it may seem (a reversal), help them work through it.

    Lastly, especially if you expect a bad reaction, wait to tell them until you are comfortable with yourself. If you are still working through accepting yourself, you don't need their negativity to weigh you down. And if you're unsure about something or another... they may exploit that. (This can also include the situation that you are financially dependent on them.)

    Congrats on taking that first step and good luck with the rest of them!
  • jessetse

    Posts: 4

    Jul 19, 2012 9:10 AM GMT
    congrat!

    It is great to be yourself.

    For your mom and her new husband,I guess you could pick the right time and right occasion.

    If you could afford your daily cost, It could be better for your situation.

    If not, don't be afraid. you r still her son.

    My mom cried and beat me up when I came out to her.
    She didn't communicate with me for around two days. but. you know, finally, she made a concession. and then, likes nothing happened.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jul 19, 2012 11:07 AM GMT
    There are many ways and times to tell your parents.

    I recommend writing them a letter and not giving it to them. Rewrite that letter several times over weeks or months. When you are ready (weeks, months, years .... you are in control) you can either give them the letter but more than likely by then you will know what to say.

    Do not apologize in any way for the news you deliver, the timing of it, or the delivery of it. You have nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for.

    You will be far better off in the long run if you tell them rather than someone else telling them. I received an incredibly warm and loving reaction from my father. I pray you will have the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 12:55 PM GMT
    First, make sure you are ready to do it. I was just as nervous to come out to my family since the F and Q words frequented their vocabulary. It actually took me 4 months after telling the last of my friends to finally tell my family. I made sure I was out of the house and independent financially before, just in case.

    My family took it amazingly. My mom and sister tried very hard to make me feel comfortable. My dad told me he still loves me and wants me to be happy but doesn't talk about it all the time, which is fine. My mom will want to know who I am dating and has told my extended family too.

    The fact is, every family is different. A negative reaction IS possible. But at least with every story I heard where the family did not support them, things turned around after some time. But it feels GREAT to finally be out and able to live my life how I want it. My only regret is not coming out sooner
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 1:09 PM GMT
    Good job and good luck with your mom. If you think it will be really bad, there's no harm in waiting till you're a little older.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    You need to attain financial independence before telling them. It is something that can't be held over you then. Also, it affords your parents the chance to reflect for a couple of days or weeks without feeling that they have to come to a decision on their beliefs too quickly because you're there everyday.

    Also they then understand that if they really want you in their lives, they have to adapt. If your still at home, they feel that they have to power to control you and try to force you into some program or som such.

    My son is eighteen. Of course, I am the gay one, but I will say that I have to really work to balance my approach with him. I sometimes have to remind myself that I can't make all his decisions for him and that he owns his own life. It is natural for parents to feel they can "fix" the situation (whatever issue it is) instead of allowing your young adult to find their own path.

    Anyway, move forward carefully and know that there are many of us who are sending our hopes and positive thoughts your way and you are never alone.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    15kewalker saidI came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!
    Give your mom my phone number.. she'll be fine after thaticon_wink.gif trust me!

    CONGRATS.. IT JUST GETS BETTER!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    15kewalker said
    Caslon20000 said
    15kewalker saidI came out to the first person tonight. She said that she wouldn't treat me any different and a bunch of other stuff! It was a huge relief to tell someone! I'm just worried about telling my Mom and her new husband. Both are extremely homophobic, I don't know what to do! Any help would be great!

    Dont tell them.


    I have considered that but it wouldn't fair to a guy that I'm dating to have to hide it


    Your guy should definitely understand. If I was dating someone like that, I wouldnt pressure him...that wouldnt be fair to him and I wouldnt want to be around the negativity and homophobic people anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    Congrats buddy!!! I came out to my friends first before I came out to my mother. I was 16 when I first came out... so junior yr of high school... an then at the end of junior yr, I was fully out to everyone... family and friends. Mother took it pretty hard and we had some rough times but it took time for her to understand it and accept it.... and now... 5 yrs later her and I are best friends!!! She loves going to the gay bars with me and hanging out with my gay posse haha. Definitely wait until you're ready to tell them... maybe have a friend be with you? Or if you have siblings... tell them first maybe? Good luck!! Message me if you have any questions about my process with coming out.