I came out to my parents, now the questions and disagreements start..

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    Jul 19, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    To cut a long story short, I came out to my parents, cried like a bitch, and it went extremely well.
    Read the green text to get to my question lol

    Mum made the normal funny assumptions of "If you're gay why isn't your bedroom clean all the time?" haha... she was serious..
    Then my dad and I have begun talking more and more, extremely openly which is really great.
    He admits he doesn't understand how it all works, and why I would put myself through all the suffering and and prejudices all just to be gay. He thinks that love can be found with either a man or woman, he wants to me to try dating other girls and see if I get an emotional connection with them. Basically he thinks that love is almost completely emotionally based, physical only comes in to play after an emotional connection is established.
    I obviously disagree with this haha, I said "If you lined a bunch of girls up and showed me their face, boobs, butt, whatever, nothing would happen, no physical attraction at all" With guys that just isn't the case. lmao..

    Then, he said he had read a few articles where it mentioned that being gay is like being an alcoholic, they think beer tastes better than water, even though it is unhealthy, therefore they can be trained to go back to water and "suppress" the need for alcohol, thus, ending the cycle. The same can be applied to being gay, being gay "feels" right, but it is unhealthy and people can be trained to like women, like water...

    All I could say was I know what I like, he likes women, I like men, and I've known for a loooong time....

    What else could I say to explain what it's like???/
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    Jul 19, 2012 5:02 AM GMT
    If your dad has read a few articles, it probably means he's been wondering about you before you told him you are gay. Live your life the way you always have been, just now as an out man. Seeing the normalcy of your life compared to heterosexuals will eventually make your parents come to terms with your sexuality..
  • Streicher

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    Jul 19, 2012 5:14 AM GMT
    I would say that all people are different and being gay is not like being alcoholic. If you like girls, you can't change or control it. It's inside you. The same I can say about gay people. If the guy likes guys, that's who he is and that's his nature. And by the way, bi guys are double junkies, according to your dad LOL
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    Jul 19, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    Some people are born left handed but can be trained to write with their right hand. That doesn't make them right-handed.

    You're gay. No amount of "whatever" will ever change that. It's how you're wired.
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    Jul 19, 2012 12:46 PM GMT
    A lot of people have difficulty accepting and understand feelings of others that are different than their own feelings. It seems like he is mainly just worried about you. Let him know that you are sure what you want and that you would just be unhappy if you didn't finally live your life the way you want to. The "gay life" doesn't have to be nearly as difficult as some people assume it is. I moved to an area with a significant gay population so even most straights don't bat an eye seeing me walk down the street holding hands with a guy.

    My dad thinks I am just confused and I thought to myself "I can give him some references to prove to him that I am DEFINITELY not confused about what I like" icon_razz.gif
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    Jul 19, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies everyone.
    I was so shocked that they were fine with me being gay that I was expecting all this anyway. It feels like just another topic to discuss around the dinner table lol.
    For the point about moving to a gay population, that's what he seems most worried about. He doesn't believe they exist and that wherever I go my life will be 10x worse when people find out I am gay. He also said that "overt gay" men (in his experience) tend to be much happier because they are so open about their sexuality, but that isn't how I am at all.
    I'm sure it will work out well in the end, it's nice to be discussing it with my parents now at least.
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    Jul 19, 2012 2:59 PM GMT
    Sounds like your dad is going through denial. He'll keep hoping to convince you for a while but stand your ground and eventually he'll figure it out.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    The comparison of an alcoholic and a homosexual is hysterical. Unfortunately, whoever came up with that idea doesn't understand the difference between an alcoholic with a drinking problem and an alcoholic without a drinking problem. The problem is you're always an alcoholic. No amount of training or learning can change that; it's only through acquiring a new life that an alcoholic can not pick up the first drink one day at a time. They can still love alcohol and admire alcohol, but just not use it.

    The only similarity I suppose is abstinence from fulfilling your sexual desires. Some do just that, and it doesn't mean you're not a homosexual. You're just abstinent.

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    Jul 19, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Daas saidSome people are born left handed but can be trained to write with their right hand. That doesn't make them right-handed.

    You're gay. No amount of "whatever" will ever change that. It's how you're wired.


    I thought you developed your stronger hand while young.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    wangwang saidThanks for the replies everyone.
    I was so shocked that they were fine with me being gay that I was expecting all this anyway. It feels like just another topic to discuss around the dinner table lol.
    For the point about moving to a gay population, that's what he seems most worried about. He doesn't believe they exist and that wherever I go my life will be 10x worse when people find out I am gay. He also said that "overt gay" men (in his experience) tend to be much happier because they are so open about their sexuality, but that isn't how I am at all.
    I'm sure it will work out well in the end, it's nice to be discussing it with my parents now at least.


    Well your dad just seems extremely misinformed. You gotta do what you want to do and he will see that he was wrong. I have recently come out too so my parents had the same fears. Does he mean "overt" gay men as in feminine ones that you can tell instantly they are gay? You don't have to be that way to be open about your sexuality. I will tell people who ask or tell them if the topic comes up and am not afraid to be affectionate in public and I am happy. You can also be happy by keeping it all in the bedroom but being open to those you know.

    No offense but your dad doesn't know what he is talking about. It's time for you to go find out for yourself what it's like
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    I've always been confused by this comparison, because alcohol in excess is obviously bad for your health; this is not true of being gay.

    @Op: Iceblink had some great advice. Just live your life as the person they've always known and loved, only now as an out gay man. They will eventually see that you are no different than them.

    If you need more help processing, then PFLAG is a great source as others have mentioned.

    deltalimen saidThe comparison of an alcoholic and a homosexual is hysterical. Unfortunately, whoever came up with that idea doesn't understand the difference between an alcoholic with a drinking problem and an alcoholic without a drinking problem. The problem is you're always an alcoholic. No amount of training or learning can change that; it's only through acquiring a new life that an alcoholic can not pick up the first drink one day at a time. They can still love alcohol and admire alcohol, but just not use it.

    The only similarity I suppose is abstinence from fulfilling your sexual desires. Some do just that, and it doesn't mean you're not a homosexual. You're just abstinent.

  • Bigolbear

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    Jul 19, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    Tell him to test out that theory first by switching to liking men and if it works you'll give it a go.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:24 PM GMT
    Tell your dad to try "choosing" guys for a while and see if he can "train" himself to want men more than women.

    It's blunt, but this is not an addiction like crack, meth, or even alcohol. It damn well isn't a choice. The only choice you make is to be true to yourself or try to be something that you are not.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:25 PM GMT
    I guess Bigolbear and I were typing at almost the same time with the same idea.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    Crankyella saidIf your dad thinks that sexuality can be trained one way or another, ask him what it would take to train him to desire men.

    This is much along the line of "when/why did you CHOOSE to be gay".
    My answer is "when did you choose to be straight? Didn't you just grow up (or be born) that way?"
    If there is any hesitation... the other person is bi. And chose to suppress half of himself.

    wangwang, it sounds like your dad is just looking out for you and wants the best for you. Tell him that the happiest gays aren't those who are out and flaunt it, but those who have the love and support of their family!
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    Who cares what scientist fuck said about whatever study on a group of people who wanted to see if the study would affect them... this is your life. If the last girl you were with didn't change your mind back to being straight or even make you bi; but the last guy you were with made you like you knew you were gay; than no study done on some lab rat can change that. You're gay, until years living either lead you back to women, or you find jesus in a broken condom dispenser, you'll have to accept that. Everyone else in your life is going to have to accept that too.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    Crankyella saidIf your dad thinks that sexuality can be trained one way or another, ask him what it would take to train him to desire men.
    Or be like, "So when was the last time you chose not to suck a cock?" icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    uoft23 saidSounds like your dad is going through denial. He'll keep hoping to convince you for a while but stand your ground and eventually he'll figure it out.


    Yea, I'll say - denial of his own homosexuality

    "He thinks that love can be found with either a man or woman, he wants to me to try dating other girls and see if I get an emotional connection with them. ." I told myself the exact same thing resulted in a 22 year marriage. I was completely faithful to my wife and marriage vows, but never got over (as if you can) my attraction to men. By his admitting that love can be found with either a man or a woman, it makes me suspect he's doing the same thing I did.


    "Basically he thinks that love is almost completely emotionally based, physical only comes in to play after an emotional connection is established." That's odd thinking for a man and really the way a woman thinks. Men, in general, form emotional attachments after a satisfactory sex parter is found. The emotional bond for men is reinforced by the physical. Men who become dissatisfied with their spouses in bed will stray or leave the relationship. As my wife became less and less interested in sex my attraction to men became more and more to the fore.

    As Iceblink said, "If your dad has read a few articles, it probably means he's been wondering about you before you told him you are gay." However, my experience was that I was reading the same such articles because I was looking for validation that my decision to supress my homosexuality was the right one. He could be doing the same thing.

    But all of what I just said is beyond the point. The bottom line is that they are your parents and they probably love you very much. In time they will come to accept you as you are. You are lucky in that it sounds like there are open lines of communication between you and your parents. I never felt I could ever go to my parents and talk to them about what I was going through in my teen years. It would have been wonderful if I had had two people in my life who cared more about me than what others would think of them as parents. But it was a different place and time.

    If what I suspect about your dad is true, he may harbor some resentment that you were able to do what he was never able to, so things may take more time with him. But he will come around. Be patient.

    You did the right thing in telling them. Living your life as someone you are not is terrible hard and draining on the soul.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world.
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    Jul 19, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    If gay really was like being an alcoholic, the money I'd save would make me rich. icon_biggrin.gif

    (j/k, before the haters jump all over that)
  • vintovka

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    Jul 19, 2012 4:12 PM GMT
    Look up PFLAG, and refer your parents to them. I can't think of a better resource.
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    Jul 19, 2012 4:17 PM GMT
    vintovka saidLook up PFLAG, and refer your parents to them. I can't think of a better resource.


    I agree. They wrote the book.....literally. There are books there.
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    Jul 19, 2012 4:29 PM GMT
    your parents so far have taken it MUCH more in stride than mine did when i came out at age 17 ("came out" seems such a dull descriptor for what actually happened. it was more like "drove an H1 Humvee through the closet door"). The next four years were nothing but "you're going through a phase" and "you're not 'experienced enough' to make that determination". My mum's admitted recently she's still not 100% okay with it. Give your parents time and make sure they have access to legitimate literature, case studies and articles and not stuff along the lines of what Anita Bryant and her crew were spewing back in the 1970s. Finding a way to introduce them to other accepting parents of gay children would probably be a good idea too. They sound like they'll eventually come around icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 19, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    Idk his alcohol-water argument sounds pretty convincing... icon_lol.gif

    They are still adjusting, give it time.
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    Jul 19, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    What is all comes down to is time. You have known that you were gay for awhile. You finally reached the point where you were comfortable enough to come out. Perhaps for your parents it's more of a surprise and they need time to process all of this. When I came out to my parents five years ago, they had a similar reaction. My mom said that it would "be a difficult lifestyle" and whatnot. She's done a complete 180 degrees since then. Just a few months ago she and I were talking about my dating life (yeah---can you imagine?) and she said something like "well, being gay and straight is as simple as the difference between blood types." Sometimes friends and/or family of gay people have to go through their own coming processes. Give them time. You don't have to try to explain anything.
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    Jul 19, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    "... that being gay is like being an alcoholic". This is the only thing you need to debunk in your fathers statement. It is false, sexuality to me is like breathing; a natural innate physical bodily response. Sure you can train yourself to be with a women but that does not mean that your natural inclination will be driven away.

    We are not born desiring alcohol, pizza, mediterranean cusine. Those are learned responses.

    You need to teach him that being gay is NOT a choice. I hate when people refer to gay as a Lifestyle choice. It is not, it is no less equivalent then my need to breathe. My attraction or physical desires seem as natural as that of a heterosexual desiring to be with the opposite sex. Besides to call it a choice would mean that they; as a parent, had some influence in creating/making you gay. So their inner struggle becomes about them not you. They need not blame themselves but to accept you and to be a part of you in every way.