I'm a straight gal who dated a gay guy without knowing...

  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 21, 2012 8:33 PM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    I dated this guy for a few months who was very charming, romantic, and affectionate.

    After a few months, I found out he was gay. I didn't confront him but broke up with him a few days after a nice, normal date. I didn't tell him why I was breaking up and he didn't ask why, either. It was almost as if he didn't want to ask.

    I don’t think he was emotionally invested in me overall as much as I was in him. Although he acted very affectionate and caring to me in person when we were together, he would go MIA regularly and I felt that something else was definitely going on in his life that I don’t know.

    Now, although I was the one who broke up, and I fully understand he's gay, I still miss him and I wonder why he wanted to date me in the first place, and why he was so affectionate and caring to me when he didn't really care that much about me after all.

    About a month after the breakup, I contacted him suggesting we still remain as friends and catch up once in a while as friends, but he didn’t seem willing to. If he once liked me enough to spend time with me as a girlfriend, why would he not want to stay as friends with me at least? This puzzles me especially because I know for certain that he didn’t date me for sex.

    To recap, my questions are: How and why was he so affectionate and romantic to me when he didn’t really care about me all that much? And why doesn’t he want to be friends with me now?

    Thanks for reading.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 21, 2012 9:12 PM GMT
    How and why was he so affectionate and romantic to me when he didn’t really care about me all that much?

    Maybe he cared about you as a person. Maybe he was doing it out of a sense that that is what he supposed to do....date women. Maybe he has a touch of bi in him.?


    And why doesn’t he want to be friends with me now?

    ummmm.....you broke up with him. He may be feeling rejected.....or maybe relieved. Maybe he didnt like you that much after all but didnt want to hurt your feelings and be the one to break it off.


    As you can see, there could be lots of answers to your questions. Only he can tell you for sure.
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    Hi Caslon20000

    Thanks for your response. I thought finding out he was gay was enough of a closure but his lack of reaction to my decision to break up and the fact that he no longer wants to talk to me hurt my feelings and make it difficult to move on.

    I guess emotional detachment doesn't happen mechanically just because you found out about the other person's sexual orientation. I still miss his company a lot - he was so much more fun compared to all my straight ex's. icon_cry.gif

    By the way, I think he's still closeted and I'm wondering if that's a part of the reason why he doesn't want to deal with me because he sensed that I knew?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    sunshine789 saidHi everyone,

    I dated this guy for a few months who was very charming, romantic, and affectionate.



    was that the give away icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    Maybe he's still trying to figure himself out.icon_confused.gif
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    lucky_sevn said
    sunshine789 saidHi everyone,

    I dated this guy for a few months who was very charming, romantic, and affectionate.



    was that the give away icon_wink.gif


    lucky_sevn - Definitely! He was very charming - handsome, intelligent, talented in everything from sports to dancing. He was also super romantic and affectionate which made me feel certain he was in love with me until he would go MIA.

    Really, he had it all - all the qualities that every girl dreams of and I thought he was too perfect to be true. Interestingly, former wives or girlfriends of closeted gay men tend to say the same thing: "He was too good to be true."

    Oh why oh why can you guys love us women!!! icon_mad.gif
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    Buster57 saidMaybe he's still trying to figure himself out.icon_confused.gif


    I think he already figured himself out in terms of his sexual orientation but he's been trying to work out a way to live a straight life. He was all about building a family, with 2-3 kids, a pretty house and all that...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    lol
    well at least its not too devastating for you as it can be an extraordinarily difficult thing to accept for some/most.

    but in truth i think he would have felt guilty by the sounds of things. if he decieved you like this he might not have known that you know, and even if he does then it would be really awkward on his part, and wierd that you would want to be friends at all.

    i can see why it is confusing for you, but i can also understand his reluctance to continue a relationshiip of any kind. he doesnt sound like a dick that just doesnt care, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably just embarresed by the whole situation.

    icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 5:59 PM GMT
    sunshine789 saidBy the way, I think he's still closeted and I'm wondering if that's a part of the reason why he doesn't want to deal with me because he sensed that I knew?

    Could he be closeted because he's not gay at all, but actually straight? What proof-positive do you have that he's gay? You evidently didn't hear it from him, and you say you never confronted him with it, so that he could answer you.

    And after you broke it off, he might have gotten involved with another woman. It may be difficult to accept, but maybe he just wasn't all that into you after a while. Gay guys on this site have to face that possibility all the time. I'm sure you've dated guys before in whom you lost interest, too. Could this just be the same thing?
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    lucky_sevn saidlol
    well at least its not too devastating for you as it can be an extraordinarily difficult thing to accept for some/most.

    but in truth i think he would have felt guilty by the sounds of things. if he decieved you like this he might not have known that you know, and even if he does then it would be really awkward on his part, and wierd that you would want to be friends at all.

    i can see why it is confusing for you, but i can also understand his reluctance to continue a relationshiip of any kind. he doesnt sound like a dick that just doesnt care, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably just embarresed by the whole situation.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    lucky_sevn - Thanks for your insight. I've never been in this situation before and this is a situation that not many people I know can relate to. So your comment helped a lot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    sunshine789 said
    lucky_sevn saidlol
    well at least its not too devastating for you as it can be an extraordinarily difficult thing to accept for some/most.

    but in truth i think he would have felt guilty by the sounds of things. if he decieved you like this he might not have known that you know, and even if he does then it would be really awkward on his part, and wierd that you would want to be friends at all.

    i can see why it is confusing for you, but i can also understand his reluctance to continue a relationshiip of any kind. he doesnt sound like a dick that just doesnt care, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably just embarresed by the whole situation.

    icon_rolleyes.gif


    lucky_sevn - Thanks for your insight. I've never been in this situation before and this is a situation that not many people I know can relate to. So your comment helped a lot.

    youre not the first and you certainly wont be the last. sexuality is strange and difficult for some people and i cant see that changing. if it is something that is upsetting you still have you tried looking at forums for this specific thing. i had a similair experience myself, only the other way around, it was only after i booked a couples holiday together, about 5 months in. i got an angry phonecall from his wife teling me how i had destroyed the kids' live etc. that was really tough to take as i had no idea about any wife obviously or i wouldnt have gotten involved.

    i know it can be wierd but you sort feel responsible or guilty or something, for pressuring him. idk anyway hope it all works out for you

    x
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    sunshine789 saidBy the way, I think he's still closeted and I'm wondering if that's a part of the reason why he doesn't want to deal with me because he sensed that I knew?

    Could he be closeted because he's not gay at all, but actually straight? What proof-positive do you have that he's gay? You evidently didn't hear it from him, and you say you never confronted him with it, so that he could answer you.

    And after you broke it off, he might have gotten involved with another woman. It may be difficult to accept, but maybe he just wasn't all that into you after a while. Gay guys on this site have to face that possibility all the time. I'm sure you've dated guys before in whom you lost interest, too. Could this just be the same thing?


    Hi Art_Deco,

    In fact, your scenario was the initial thought I had a little while before I found out with a solid evidence when I was staying at his place one night. Until then, I was totally unsuspecting of him being gay. That's why it's still unsettling and kinda difficult to accept the whole thing. Until him, I never thought a gay guy would date a woman.

    I wonder whether your scenario would have made me feel worse than I do now. All breakups are hard regardless of the reasons if you were emotionally invested in the other person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    sunshine789 saidReally, he had it all - all the qualities that every girl dreams of and I thought he was too perfect to be true. Interestingly, former wives or girlfriends of closeted gay men tend to say the same thing: "He was too good to be true."

    Oh why oh why can you guys love us women!!! icon_mad.gif

    gaytrifoil80.jpg ... just saying
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 6:27 PM GMT
    Caslon20000 said
    sunshine789 saidReally, he had it all - all the qualities that every girl dreams of and I thought he was too perfect to be true. Interestingly, former wives or girlfriends of closeted gay men tend to say the same thing: "He was too good to be true."

    Oh why oh why can you guys love us women!!! icon_mad.gif

    gaytrifoil80.jpg ... just saying


    Caslon20000 - This is funny and sad at the same time!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    sunshine789 saidCaslon20000 - This is funny and sad at the same time!!!

    ummmm.....maybe for you.

    Sorry. Couldnt resist. icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 6:35 PM GMT
    sunshine789 said
    Art_Deco said
    sunshine789 saidBy the way, I think he's still closeted and I'm wondering if that's a part of the reason why he doesn't want to deal with me because he sensed that I knew?

    Could he be closeted because he's not gay at all, but actually straight? What proof-positive do you have that he's gay? You evidently didn't hear it from him, and you say you never confronted him with it, so that he could answer you.

    And after you broke it off, he might have gotten involved with another woman. It may be difficult to accept, but maybe he just wasn't all that into you after a while. Gay guys on this site have to face that possibility all the time. I'm sure you've dated guys before in whom you lost interest, too. Could this just be the same thing?


    Hi Art_Deco,

    In fact, your scenario was the initial thought I had a little while before I found out with a solid evidence when I was staying at his place one night. Until then, I was totally unsuspecting of him being gay. That's why it's still unsettling and kinda difficult to accept the whole thing. Until him, I never thought a gay guy would date a woman.

    I wonder whether your scenario would have made me feel worse than I do now. All breakups are hard regardless of the reasons if you were emotionally invested in the other person.

    What exactly was this "evidence"? If you say found anal lube then that doesn't mean he's gay - it means he knows how to get himself off. All men posses a prostate after all.

    Could he be that perhaps he's bisexual? And sunshine...that was a bit naive on your part. Haven't you ever heard of a closeted Republican politician? icon_wink.gif

    If he is 100% gay then you were his beard to make him seem straight since he is obviously insecure.
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    [quote]
    What exactly was this "evidence"? If you say found anal lube then that doesn't mean he's gay - it means he knows how to get himself off. All men posses a prostate after all.

    Could he be that perhaps he's bisexual? And sunshine...that was a bit naive on your part. Haven't you ever heard of a closeted Republican politician? icon_wink.gif

    If he is 100% gay then you were his beard to make him seem straight since he is obviously insecure. [/quote]

    IceBucket - The evidence was more solid than anal lube but I'd prefer not to disclose it here. ;) I'm not completely crossing out the possibility that he's bi. Maybe he is and maybe I wasn't his type after all... but I know for sure he's into petite blonde guys, who I would never be able to compete against. icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 7:43 PM GMT
    sunshine789 said[quote]
    What exactly was this "evidence"? If you say found anal lube then that doesn't mean he's gay - it means he knows how to get himself off. All men posses a prostate after all.

    Could he be that perhaps he's bisexual? And sunshine...that was a bit naive on your part. Haven't you ever heard of a closeted Republican politician? icon_wink.gif

    If he is 100% gay then you were his beard to make him seem straight since he is obviously insecure.


    IceBucket - The evidence was more solid than anal lube but I'd prefer not to disclose it here. ;) I'm not completely crossing out the possibility that he's bi. Maybe he is and maybe I wasn't his type after all... but I know for sure he's into petite blonde guys, who I would never be able to compete against. icon_mad.gif[/quote]

    ar you arent getting much sympathy lol.

    i kind of get it i was with a guy i really really liked for 5 months. he was so "normal". hard to find. anyway it wasnt until i had paid for a couples holiday and emailed him the reciept as a gift, i recieved a repl and subsequent phone calls and txts from his wife, telling me how i had destroyed his children and her etc. i felt like dying with guilt (i had literally not a clue) not even a suspicion.
    i was left with a mixture of guilt, regret, embarrassment, and alot of shame as i had unknowingly been a homewrecker.

    have you considered looking at forums for women who have dated gay guys etc. you might find a more sympathetic ear there.
    or you could always pm me if you want

    good luck
    x
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    [/quote]

    ar you arent getting much sympathy lol.

    i kind of get it i was with a guy i really really liked for 5 months. he was so "normal". hard to find. anyway it wasnt until i had paid for a couples holiday and emailed him the reciept as a gift, i recieved a repl and subsequent phone calls and txts from his wife, telling me how i had destroyed his children and her etc. i felt like dying with guilt (i had literally not a clue) not even a suspicion.
    i was left with a mixture of guilt, regret, embarrassment, and alot of shame as i had unknowingly been a homewrecker.

    have you considered looking at forums for women who have dated gay guys etc. you might find a more sympathetic ear there.
    or you could always pm me if you want

    good luck
    x[/quote]

    Lucky_sevn - Thanks for sharing your story and your support (or sympathy lol). icon_smile.gif Actually I've been to a forum where women share their experiences dating a gay man. For some strange reasons, I find it more consoling to get responses here than there. But this probably will be my first/last post in here. I'd love to PM you though if more questions come up. icon_smile.gif
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 8:26 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]IceBucket said

    And sunshine...that was a bit naive on your part. Haven't you ever heard of a closeted Republican politician? icon_wink.gif

    [/quote]

    IceBucket: I think I was totally naive in thinking that those Republican politicians who came out after marrying a woman and having kids did so because he didn't realize he was gay until later. icon_redface.gif
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 8:29 PM GMT
    Caslon20000 said
    sunshine789 saidCaslon20000 - This is funny and sad at the same time!!!

    ummmm.....maybe for you.

    Sorry. Couldnt resist. icon_redface.gif


    Caslon20000: You are too funny! And the diagram really is sad news for me.icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 8:35 PM GMT
    sunshine789 said...but I know for sure he's into petite blonde guys, who I would never be able to compete against. icon_mad.gif

    If it's any consolation, a LOT of us would never be able to compete against petite blond guys. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    Sunshine you should have come right out and said..

    "I know your'e gay"

    "I know you like giant penises"

    "I know every time you hear the word 'Bone'..you giggle"

    "I know George Clooney has a better chance with you than i do"

    "I know there's enough DNA on your bed sheets to repopulate the earth"

    "I know every Thanks Giving when you see a turkey with its legs in the air ..you get a woody"

    "I know you saw Magic Mike"

    I know your'e a homo..Dammit.!!...
    I KNOW..!!..I know..i know !!!!!
    Now take me shopping BITCH!!!!

    I hope it all works out..
    Hugz..icon_biggrin.gif
    (i'm not taking my meds today..)icon_biggrin.gif
  • sunshine789

    Posts: 14

    Jul 22, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    sunshine789 said...but I know for sure he's into petite blonde guys, who I would never be able to compete against. icon_mad.gif

    If it's any consolation, a LOT of us would never be able to compete against petite blond guys. icon_sad.gif


    Art_Deco: LOL what you said DOES console me a little. Am I bad? ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 22, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    sunshine789 saidCaslon20000: You are too funny! And the diagram really is sad news for me.icon_cry.gif

    That's supposed to be a recurring lament among straight women, that the nicest guys (and often the best looking) are gay. I suppose gays may be better housebroken than our straight brothers, but then if you read these forums you'd find we have our own litany of complaints about living with each other. So maybe in the end it's a wash, despite Caslon's diagram. icon_confused.gif