Stressed Out

  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 22, 2012 8:03 PM GMT
    Mentoring these 2 brothers can be very stressful when it comes to helping them make good decisions. I tend to take it too personal if they slip up and make a bad decision. I think its because of how much time us 3 talk about making good decisions and the advice I give them that they "say they will listen to"

    Both of them have already gotten themselves into some shit in the past year and have both made so much progress but in an instant can change the good flow they have going to do stupid shit.

    Im not naive, I know thats what teenagers are about. not long ago I was one.

    They both tell me how much I mean to them and how important I am to them but here and there they lie to me about things (if they go party and things like that) that im starting to take it personal.

    They are both doing great but sometimes mess up shit they cant afford to mess up on by doing STUPID SHIT.

    The things they say to me sometimes mean the world and really make me feel like im having an impact on their lives and then boom they do something that completely contradicts what they told me they "would not do" and it makes me very hurt.

    I dont know just thought i would rant on here because I mentor them on my own and dont go through an agency. So I dont have a specialist to check in with for support and and advice.

    Sorry guys had to get it off my chest.
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    Jul 22, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    comical44 said


    It more than likely has nothing to do with you, some kids just have to learn from experience. If you warn them not to do something and they go ahead and do it, that's their fault, not yours and there's really nothing you can do about it. Keep trying though! Whether they show it or not, they're listening. Good luck!! icon_smile.gif
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 22, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    Thanks Black Cat.

    I understand that, I really do.

    For example the one brother "swore to god " to me that he wouldnt go to this guys house party this weekend (the reasons behind this guy and his party are very sketchy and him and his brother could get into some serious trouble).Hes on such a good path not smoking or drinking ect ect and if he goes to this guys house he will DEF do those things. He shook my hand and promised me.

    The next day I asked him if he went and he said no he played video games with a different friend.

    I find out from his mother that he went and didnt get in till 5 in the morning. She very so upset that he lied she didnt speak to him.

    So not only didnt he break a promise with me but he also lied to me. Should I be upset ?because I take that very personal
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 22, 2012 8:24 PM GMT
    I dont know, Like I said I know I take things personal but it makes me feel like a shitty mentor and most of all that for some reason if they lie to me or dont take my advice that they dont really Like me.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 22, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    I really could use some peoples persepctives and responses
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    Jul 22, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    Welcome to parenting (or in your case, mentoring with the same parenting type issues) at the toughest stage in kids life. Believe it or not, Blackcat is right, don't stop trying they are listening.

    Teenagers are under a lot of pressure from all over. They're bombarded with what is right, wrong, good, bad and most don't really understand why. Add in schooling, family pressures, peer pressure and you and they're really confused.

    The most important part of parenting is building a strong foundation. Normally this begins at a very young age but given your situation, it might be happening now or at least trying to make a sturdy foundation out of what is there. Pick your battles with them as they are NOT going to be perfect. They will fall and they will need to be accountable however the best thing you can do is to be there when they do fall, not to fix what they do wrong but to let them know that you do care and the strengthen their belief in what you say.

    When they do lie or do something else that you catch, don't berate them but explain to them why it's important that they don't go down that road. Allow them to think about their actions (whether it's what they did or them not telling you the truth). Explain to them what might have happened if things had gone wrong but do this in a conversing way and not a demeaning or condescending way.

    Don't give up on them, you're probably exactly what they need but also, don't take it personally and don't expect every person you mentor or parent to be a perfect success. Some will improve and change, some will continue to make bad decisions but be able to fit into society without issues, others will fail the system (and you) and end up in a bad place. This is not your fault. You tried but some just can't seem to understand how to build on the foundation provided, in a way that will bring them security and safety. Good for you to give of yourself to help these guys.

  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 22, 2012 11:00 PM GMT
    @eb925guy

    Thankyou for your response. It really makes me feel better. These brothers have had to deal with some serious shit in their past. some of it was not their fault and some of it they brought on themselves.

    It just bothers me that for monthes straight they can be doing the right thing ad then BAM they are really doing some shitty things and making bad decisions. In this specific situation these brothers mean the world to me. They do not have really anyone in their life except their mother,step dad and little sister and THATS IT. Im heavily involved with them and their family so its not like Im not up to date with whats going on with them. I wanna think I mean a lot to them. They come to me with/for things that they would come to a big brother or even a parent about so its weird...sometimes I get the feeling Im a huge part of their life and then other times they do little things to me that hurt my feelings.

    They are both very emotional so when something bothers me or hurts my feeling they will pick up on it or if their mother tells them they really dont like it when they do this to me and it makes them feel like crap.

    Its jst that they KNOW what they need to do and THINGS they need to avoid and they will be doing great and then they SWITCH. It just makes me feel frustrated and I take it personal.

    They both could be BIG PEOPLE and achieve BIG THINGS in this world. They dont fully see it though....makes me sad
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 23, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    Also what tactics are most useful for preventing and making them stop smoking pot?
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 23, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    come on guys...This is important. i need advice
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    Jul 23, 2012 3:27 PM GMT
    They're teenagers so you're going to get good days and bad days of decision making. The fact that they feel bad about disappointing you says a lot about them, they do care. If they didn't, they wouldn't care about how you feel. You're doing the right thing, just keep up the pressure but don't demean them. Encouragement and praise for the positive things they do, disappointment for the bad things.

    As for smoking pot, just share with them the reason NOT to do it. Again, at that age and with the peer pressure, they're going to do it. If that's the only thing they're doing, then count your blessings. If you get wind of other drugs, then definitely you'd want to counsel them about that. Talk to them about why they smoke it and what they feel the get out of it. If they like getting high, find out why. What is so bad in real life that they think getting high feels better. What would they do to make every day a better day so they didn't need to get high. Let them tell you, talk to them, help them open up.

    You're not going to stop them from being a teenager, so quit trying. Continue to firm up the foundation and they will find their own way. The longer you work with them (with them), the more they'll come to appreciate what you're saying and start reflecting that in what they do. Good luck!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 23, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    Get them involved in community service ... such as a soup kitchen
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 23, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidThey're teenagers so you're going to get good days and bad days of decision making. The fact that they feel bad about disappointing you says a lot about them, they do care. If they didn't, they wouldn't care about how you feel. You're doing the right thing, just keep up the pressure but don't demean them. Encouragement and praise for the positive things they do, disappointment for the bad things.

    As for smoking pot, just share with them the reason NOT to do it. Again, at that age and with the peer pressure, they're going to do it. If that's the only thing they're doing, then count your blessings. If you get wind of other drugs, then definitely you'd want to counsel them about that. Talk to them about why they smoke it and what they feel the get out of it. If they like getting high, find out why. What is so bad in real life that they think getting high feels better. What would they do to make every day a better day so they didn't need to get high. Let them tell you, talk to them, help them open up.

    You're not going to stop them from being a teenager, so quit trying. Continue to firm up the foundation and they will find their own way. The longer you work with them (with them), the more they'll come to appreciate what you're saying and start reflecting that in what they do. Good luck!


    I am slowly realizing this. They do have great days and not so great. Some weeks I feel like they are ona great path and other weeks I get so worried by some of their choices that it stresses me out. They have some baggage from their past so I think thats why I worry so much and stress to them that they have a lot at risk. Im so protective over them.

    Yea pot has caused some issues with both of them in the past...I mean typical teenage smoking but they both got into some shit n one seperate occasions each due to smoking pot.

    I praise them constantly for their good choices, they accomplishments and just the great people they truly are. I want them to show everyone how I see them. They both have told me after I found out that they have lied to me about things that they only lied because they knew I would be dissapointed in them. One of them told me that I cant leave his life because he needs me for the advice and the friendship and actually introduces me and talk about me to others as "his older brother" so naturally. Its kind of cool lol.

    The other one ...reminds me of myself at his age and even know. I have a soft spot for him. Hes been the intrverted one since the beginning and it took me a LONG time for him to open up to him and we have gotten so close. He told me recently that Im the best role model in his life(even better than his parents) and he told me yesterday after a conversation I had with him that he loved me, which meant a whole lot because he is the introvert.

    I just stress and dont have a professional person like most mentor programs have. I do this through their parents and someone who help me set it up at their school. I can be hard on myself because Ive never been a "mentor" so I give myself a hard time when they slip....

    Thanks for the advice. Its greeat.

    Please guys more advice will help even more! Thankyou
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 23, 2012 7:04 PM GMT
    I really would like more peoples response and perspective on this. It would mean a lot to me Thank you everyone
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    Jul 23, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    comical44 saidI really would like more peoples response and perspective on this. It would mean a lot to me Thank you everyone


    I lost a little brother to heroin abuse several years ago. We were very close. I think one of the main things I did wrong was in romancing the idea of being a mentor. I was selfish about the facts whether I had good or bad intentions.

    My advice is let whatever happens, happen naturally. Sometimes the better responses happen spontaneously rather than gathering a whole list of possible responses on a community forum. By the time you use one, the opportunity will be outdated.

    I should know, not a thing will bring back my little bro.

  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 23, 2012 9:38 PM GMT
    Sustenance said
    comical44 saidI really would like more peoples response and perspective on this. It would mean a lot to me Thank you everyone


    I lost a little brother to heroin abuse several years ago. We were very close. I think one of the main things I did wrong was in romancing the idea of being a mentor. I was selfish about the facts whether I had good or bad intentions.

    My advice is let whatever happens, happen naturally. Sometimes the better responses happen spontaneously rather than gathering a whole list of possible responses on a community forum. By the time you use one, the opportunity will be outdated.

    I should know, not a thing will bring back my little bro.



    Im sorry for your loss, I truly am.

    Im pretty good at handling a lot of the crazy things these guys get in because grwing up I was an "angel". Ive been through things, experimented and have been a teenager.

    Im not really looking for responses I guess. More so peoples advice/perspective and support seeing as though I dont have a ton when it comes to these two.

    But dont you think being a mentor is better than not being one? Theirs tons of evidence that it works
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    Jul 24, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    You remind me of my older Sister.
    She's 12 years older and did a lot for my brother and I, she was more like a 2nd mother and she always tried to motivate us and love is unconditionally. Her hubby is like a brother and they've been together for more than half my life.
    We are nothing she expects us to be. I feel like a burden sometimes, as far as my niece and nephew are concerned. Ive been wreckless. I really need to be a good influence for them, I owe a lot to my sister (and her husband)

    I'm sure your brothers will be there for you too in the long run. icon_wink.gif
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 24, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    @BP201

    Thats so nice to hear and very interesting as well.

    I dont know why But I feel VERY protective of these two. Lie We were all suppose to me. For me to look out for them. i just want whats best for them and want them to not live like they have in the past and not be like their parents (bad choices and struggling financially) ya know?

    Theirs been time that I feel like if I wasnt there for them NO ONE would be and im not even saying that to give myself credit but more so realized how they have no positive support in their lives. They get it for the most part and they show appreciation but I also dont think that they are USE TO someone consistently being there who is doing bad to them or around them.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 24, 2012 3:37 AM GMT
    @BP201-Yea dude she probably also just wanted the best for you. You should def alsways try to show her tht you appreciate her and love her. Let her know that you recognized how much she looked out for you and I bet she will smile...or cry
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Jul 24, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    Stick with them. The bond will grow stronger and more respectful with time. More than the risky behavior, I think it's the lying that has to stop. You're not a parent, you're a mentor, and you can't do that effectively without mutual honesty. Demand it and respect the honesty, even when it's not something you're pleased to hear.

    As far as drug use goes, the cat's out of the bag. You might find and share the research showing how particularly harmful it is to young people. Just say no is BS. Drug use is pervasive in our culture. A convincing argument might be made to wait until their brains are fully developed though. It's their choice but the lifetime consequences of juvenile drug and alcohol abuse can be demonstrated. It probably won't stop them. But, a graphically convincing case could be made against it and perhaps result in moderation.

    I'm mentoring my fatherless nephew right now...learning on the fly. I let him make mistakes but whenever possible I try to point out consequences. Those include the damage that can be done to even a relationship with unconditional love. He's very loving but can also be very disrespectful of my sister
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    Jul 24, 2012 4:25 AM GMT
    You sir ..have to take a step back before you get frustrated to the point where you become useless to these 2..
    So are they slowly coming around..??..Just not fast enough..??
    Not at the pace you envisioned..??
    You sound like me.. "Change Now" !!!
    ..These things take time..and remember the teenage brain is like a hurricane..
    ..If you wan't to stay the course..you have to prepare yourself to put up with a lot of crap..be patient..i wish you luck !!
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 24, 2012 12:15 PM GMT
    @ Wild sky-I plan on sticking with them, theirs been times when Ive almost taken a short break from them because I was frustrated but like yourself and what others have told me dont turn your back on them. I plan on being in their lives hopefully forever and people said no matter what stick with them. Ive been mentoring these 2 for almost 9 monthes, seems longer and I WILL SAY I think the fact that im sticking around (when others have abandoned them) is being realized by both of them and I think it makes them really like me more? I think

    As far as the lieing they dont lie to me about everything its mainly about things that they think will "dissapoint" me say if they slip up and smoke a cigg or party or something which I guess i can understand but I told them Id rather you just be able to have an honest conversation with mesaying you made a mistake or something then lie ya know?

    I always tell myself that their brains are stll deveoping so I cant expect them to understand everything and respond the way I want and that too can be frustrating because I hold them both to such a high standard. They do understand a lot about what drugs can and will do to them but the other side of them that scares me is that they are so influenced and from time to time can really follow others because they are "afraid of saying no".

    thats really great what your ding for your nephew I guess I would tell you the same thing you told me, stick with him. Its a really selfless thing your doing and im sure it will make a great bond between you two.

    @Anocxu-I really do see a lot of change and improvement with these 2, I know its not going to be over night and it does take time. I think by them being around me, my lifestyle and hearing my advice its opened up their mind a little to other types of living that they might not see. Ive noticed they do do things differently in some area and one of them specifically seems much more happier. The other one told me Ive motivated him to keep a job and handle hi business. They both slip up and revert back to their old habits ever now and then and thats what can be frustrating because I envision the world for them.

    Thank you guys, see your responses and support realy help me out a lot. They give me perspectives I NEED So please keep them coming
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    Profile pic..??
    What are you C.I.A??
    There are a few agents on here...
    Put up a pic..come on..!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 24, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    Sounds like you are getting some good input.... I would say try and remember how much your assistance will help them long term... hopefully they will show you what it has meant for the rest of their lives! If there is any way you can occasionally get away for a little time with friends, I'm sure that will be helpful. Keep up the great work!
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 24, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    I hope some of what I teach them stays with them long term ya know. I mean they have such a lack of good influence and sometimes their parents(even though they mean well) arnt always giving them the best info or doing alot for them or with them. I kind of feel like like if they mess up by smoking pot or getting in troublewith cops or something its my fault? I
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Jul 24, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    GordonLee90232 saidAlways it is a good thing to take a break and also make sure you get alot of sleep and eat well and then you will be able to handel the stress much much better.


    I know I tend to forget to do that sometimes.